APIAS Road Trip: Detroit Holy Shit

That's why its antihero comes in a convenient cup

Well, we’re back. Barely. Somewhere between Detroit and Toledo the brakes on the ‘Rango decided to… what’s the word here… FALL OFF THE FUCKING CAR! So that was awesome. A trip that took us right at 5 hours (and one big air high five to Big Butter Jesus) to get there returned at approximately 7.5 hours. But hey, you guys don’t care about the rolling death trap we charted through three storms and endless Dayton traffic anyway.

You’re sitting there thinking, wrap it up, TGC, where’s the recap… where’re the pictures?  Okay okay.  I’m getting to that.

First let me ramble a little bit about the Greektown Casino.  This story ends with it being my fault for continuing to open my wallet up and pull money out, but before that, let’s go over the details.

Think about it… it makes sense

Get used to this--and the gutter--vol fans

Take a big step with me here.  Let’s make plenty of assumptions.  Let’s assume Bruce Pearl isn’t as loyal as he’d want the Big Orange to think and just evaluate the purported offer on the table.  Let’s assume he got his audience with Memphis higher-ups and the FedEx CEO.  Let’s assume somewhere in East Memphis is a nice country club.  You still with me?

WMC in Memphis is reporting U-Mem has offered BP a $21 Million dollar, 7-year deal. 

How could he not take it?

You get to take a step down in competition.  The SEC East sure as hell didn’t get any easier with the 2 highest-paid coaches in the game currently planning for the ’09-’10 tourney. 

Memphis just won about 145 straight conference games, en route to consecutive top 2 seeds (read, a much easier path to a Final Four).  And as my bud Smooth points out, Memphis is a basketball school.  While UT is toiling in the land of never-been-past-the-sweet-16, Memphis just played for a National Championship 2 seasons ago.

And that was far from their first taste of success.  The Tigers have banners for 3 Final Four appearances and 2 National Runners-up.

Hell, if not for having to live in or around Memphis, even I’d take that job, and I hate Tiger Blue.

So it’s settled then.  Pearl to Memphis.

Now who’s his replacement on Rocky Top?  Usually, I’d let 2SL take this one, but it’s my alma mater, and I want to take a first guess.  Follow me to freedom.

Tuesday Afternoon Sponsor Shout-out: Urine Gone

We like to think we give the Interwebs quite a bit from time to time.  Laughter, insight, and a little bit of jackassery (we even have a category for it!) now and then.  What we don’t do enough of is thank the people that bring you APIAS.  That’s all going to change.

Today, we’d like to thank Urine Gone.  This wonderful little product has cleaned up many a Pudge stain (and a few of the writers around here as well).  Seriously, you can’t be around to monitor your cat, dog, or drunk friend all the time can you?  Of course not.  It even says on the label that it’s for pet or people stains.  You can’t beat that.  Remember, for those times when someone (or something) just can’t hold it, reach for Urine Gone!  You’ll be glad you did.

Is this a cleansing?

No one can find Burnsy.  Abby disappeared last fall.  Deadspin has taken a (cough) interesting turn since Will left (I’m looking at you Sussman).

Last month S2N packed up and set sail from Blogfrica to the shiny glowing shores of real journalism.

And now it’s happened to Run Up The Score! too?  What the hell?!?

If you guys are starting a new super-secret something somewhere and didn’t invite me, I’m going to be pissed.

Or maybe our blogroll is a dormant carrier for the AIDS?

I miss the Extrapolater.

FWP: All-Star Edition

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Who doesn’t love the NBA’s All-Star Weekend?  Friday night gives us the “Celebrity Game.”  The word ‘celebrity’ should be used VERY liberally with the likes of James Denton (Desperate Housewives), Zach Levi (Chuck, the show which I still claim that 2SL is the only person in America who watches) and Rick Fox (LA Lakers legend).  Now, I don’t usually throw around the word ‘legend’ like that, especially when it concerns Rick Fox.  NBA.com did that for me!  When I think of the Lakers, it usually goes: Chamberlain, Jerry West, Kareem, Magic and after about 1,200 other players, I might think of Rick Fox.  Are they serious with that?  Friday also features the Rookie vs. Sophomore game, which is a glorified playground game.  Saturday night has the skills competition, dunk contest, 3-point contest and the new addition, HORSE.  HORSE should be awesome, unless the NBA finds a way to screw it all up.  And then on Sunday, the actual game.  I love the All-Star game, mainly because the 4th quarter of the game is the best basketball you can watch all year long.  There’s plenty of other stuff going on: college hoops, a Valentine’s Day tradition has its 5th birthday and NASCAR returns.

• Jimmie Johnson will win the Daytona 500.  Hell, why wouldn’t he?  The guy is absolutely dominating his sport, so he may as well win the biggest race of the year.  Also, am I the only one who thinks it’s dumb that NASCAR has its biggest race of the season first?  Shouldn’t the racing season gear up to the biggest event and now ramp down from it?  Just a thought… here’s another thought, Chandra Johnson is hot.  How did a tool like Jimmie bag her? 
• Jason Kapono will win his third straight 3-point contest.  Larry Bird is not walking through that door!  Seriously, this isn’t exactly a murderer’s row of shooters we have lined up for Saturday night: Kapono, Daequan Cook, Mike Bibby, Danny Granger, Rashard Lewis and Roger Mason.  Yeah, I’ll take the guy who’s won it two years in a row.
• Big Beezy will dominate the Commodores, Vols will dominate the Commodores.  Come on people, there is still room on the Brian Williams bandwagon.  EDay showed us the other day what he could if he got more minutes.  Vanderbilt isn’t very good, so the Vols should continue their winning ways.  Vols 73 Vandy 59.
• No one in America will watch Wisconsin/Ohio State.  ESPN isn’t dumb.  There’s a reason they chose to go to the Big 10 game the same night as All-Star Saturday.  Wisconsin 13 Ohio State 10.
• Dwyane Wade will start making plans to move to NYC in 2010.  Yeah, nice work Miami, bringing in Jermaine O’Neal is definitely going to entice him to stay.  Wade definitley wants to play with a lazy, always injured center who’s past his prime.  LeBron and Wade to the Knicks, mark it down.
• Friday the 13th will be a box office hit.  Why not?  It deserves its day, doesn’t it?  I’m not really into horror movies, but I do love the hot chicks that are in them.  In this instance, my new love is Julianna Guill.  HELLO!  I guess I should try and get her number so we can start dating.  Eh, I’ll wait until after All-Star weekend.
• Rudy Fernandez will win the Dunk Contest.  I thought I was picking a dark horse when I picked Rudy, then someone told me he has almost half the votes on the NBA.com poll.  Well, there goes my underdog scenario.  Here’s why he will win: Nate Robinson won’t get the opportunity to try dunks 48 times before actually putting the ball in the basket.  Dwight Howard won’t be able to just do lay-ups this year.  JR Smith isn’t smart enough.  Also, did you see Fernandez’s dunk in the Gold Medal game in August?

• Baseball will keep inching closer.  I, for one, am ready.  This FWP is going to be damn near all basketball… not that that’s a bad thing.  I do love predicting a Mets’ sweep over a weekend then watching them lose and lose and lose.  Yay baseball!
• Kevin Durant will win HORSE.  I love watching KD play and just feel like he’s going to win.  NBA.com also doesn’t have the list of the other participants and I am sick of looking around on the internet.
• Billy Gillispie will beat your basketball team and sleep with your girlfriend.  I’m talking to you Razorback fan.  Picture this… You get a big Valentine’s Day planned for you and your special lady.  You make her breakfast in bed, and surprise her with tickets to the big game against UK.  Dinner and romance are scheduled for after the game.  Sadly, your seats are just too good.  Billy G eyes your girlfriend the whole game and all of a sudden she’s “sick” and has to take a rain-check on the rest of VDay.  Whoops!  Add that to the fact that Jodie Meeks just dropped 43 on your team and that’s a rough day.  Also, your coach looks like 2SL.  Guess you shouldn’t have chosen to spend your college years in Fayetteville, Arkansas.  UK 78 Suuuueeeeeey 61.

Hey, don’t spend all weekend drinking beer and watching basketball, take care of your special lady as well.  Valentine’s 09 makes for the 5th year in a row one or part of the APIAS crew will be bowling with some unsuspecting whores.  It’s a great tradition.  Drink up!

California Pederast Arrested

The only thing this has to do with sports is that a college softball team was practicing.  The only thing that this has to do with this web site is that 2SL will be doing 18 months in a Southern California pen.

Via Deadspin

            “While retrieving books from her car parked next to his, she saw him in the driver’s seat, committing the lewd act with his shorts down.”

FWP: What a Super Weekend

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

The Super Bowl is Sunday, what else can I say?  Well, actually, can I even say that?  Apparently, NBC and its advertisers are the only people who can actually use the words, “Super Bowl.”  That is one of the single dumbest things ever.  As if when ABC advertises its Wipeout Bowl: Cheerleaders vs. Couch Potatoes to come on, “…after the big game on Sunday night,” no one will know what the hell they’re talking about.  Oh, you mean they’re NOT talking about the North Carolina State at Virginia Tech women’s college basketball game on Sunday afternoon (FoxSportsSouth)?  Seriously?  That isn’t the big game they’re talking about?  Even dumber than that may be that churches supposedly aren’t allowed to advertise, “Super Bowl Parties.”  You don’t have to like church to know that’s idiotic.  The “big game” isn’t the only thing going on this weekend, though.  UK hosts South Carolina, Tennessee hosts GameDay and Florida, the most unlikely trend in America takes over and there are hot women to ogle.  Sweet.  Yep…

• Vol fans will need directions to Thompson-Boling Arena.  When most Knoxvillians (Knoxvillites?) heard GameDay was coming to town, they figured the football Vols were so important that ESPN would send them down just to be there.  Sadly, they were mistaken and are now left to have to wake up early to go inside (and have to sneak Jack in).  All the hoopla aside, the Vols desperately need a win.  They’ve lost two in a row at home and four out of their last five there.  I remember a trip to the Winch last year when the Gators came to K-town and got their ass run.  Hopefully, the same will happen again (for TGC’s health’s sake).  Vols 84 Gators 73.
• The Snuggie will take over the world.  Are you people fucking serious?  The fucking Snuggie?  That thing has sold 4 MILLION products?  This must be a damn joke.  Hmm… a warm thing with sleeves?  Ever try a sweater?  Or putting on a robe backwards?  Who in the hell wants to look like a druid while sitting around watching TV?  I am absolutely stunned.  I have nothing else to say, ever, about the fucking Snuggie.
• The APIAS headquarters might not be covered in ice.  Ice and snow really suck, unless you’re in school and you get out because there is so much.  Sadly, your APIAS contributors are all past their schooling prime… except of course for 2SL.  Everyone’s favorite student teacher has done nothing all week.  Congratulations.
• The Cardinals will win the Super Bowl.  There is no stopping Kurt Warner and Jesus.  Let’s look at this analytically; Florida won the first championship of the year.  Who is their media darling?  Tim Tebow, who loves Jesus.  Who is the Cardinals’ media darling?  Kurt Warner, who loves Jesus.  Take the Cardinals on the moneyline and make yourself a lot of money.  Just don’t forget to give 10% of your winnings to JC.
• The temptation of The Uninvited will not be strong enough to get you to set down your beer.  Can I be honest?  I have no clue anything about this movie, except for one thing.  Arielle Kebbel (the future Mrs. Smoothron) stars in it.  The Uninvited is not good enough to watch at the theaters, but if Arielle’s other films are any indication, it will be great for a Sunday afternoon.  I don’t like to admit this too often, but John Tucker Must Die is strangely re-watchable.  Arielle Kebbel is sexy, look at the picture, then let’s move on.
• UConn will be the next team to claim the #1 spot in college hoops.  A game against Providence is the only thing standing between the Huskies and the top spot in all the land.  Of course, they go to Louisville on Monday and will probably give the ranking back up, but it will be fun for the four hours they have it. 
• Johan Santana will get a little more ready for Spring Training.  Baseball is almost here.  The nights of a patio full of guys, laptops (labtops) on their… laps, beers in their hands, watching their favorite baseball team on MLB.tv (using the same username) and enjoying life are almost upon us.  I can’t wait.
• Something will seem like a good idea, it won’t be.  Sometimes, I get upset when I drink.  It might be a sporting event gone awry, running out of beer or an ex-girlfriend which makes me irate; but it happens.  Often, I like to release this anger, and my old phone (The Tank 2005-2008 R.I.P.) took the brunt of my ire.  Sadly, I got a new phone which probably won’t do so well if I throw it across the living room.  Last weekend, a jump-kick to my recliner seemed like the best idea at 1AM.  One broken elbow (is that even possible??) later… Whoops.
• Billy Gillispie will make fun of your hat, then sleep with your girlfriend.  Remember when those white hats were really in style for frat boys?  Did they go out of frat style?  The “cool” ones were from Oregon State (Beavers), Fordham (FU) and South Carolina (Cocks).  I had none.  The Cocks come to Lexington tomorrow for their annual beatdown in KY.  Darrin Horn (Tates Creek alum) will not enjoy his first trip as a Cock to Rupp.  The Cats are coming off a terrible effort against Ole Miss the other night and are looking to take some aggression out by beating the Cocks handily.  Watch out after the game, as always, for BCG.  He’s especially ready to rail your girlfriend after a loss.  Who the hell would leave Columbia, SC anyway?  Go to the Horseshoe, play your guitar and smoke a bowl… not that I’ve ever done that.

It could be one long weekend if you plan on drinking tonight (you know, because it’s Friday), all day tomorrow (Cats @ 3PM, Vols @ 9PM) and Super Sunday (Super Sunday).  Enjoy it all!

Cake or Death? UK Basketball Chooses Both

The beginning of this UK basketball year saw the Wildcats turning the ball over like Andrew DeClercq turns over burgers these days.  For the first 5 games of the season UK was turning the ball over at an unbelievable rate.  Then, things calmed down a bit, the competition got a little worse, and the team has been able to right the ship in the turnover category to some extent.  What they haven’t done well all year is stop teams from piling up offensive rebounds.

That brings us to the point of today’s discussion class.  Which is worse, a turnover or giving up an offensive rebound.  We have our own theories on this, of course, but we’ll use the Kentucky 2008-2009 team’s current stats as a guideline for answering this question.  After all, they’ve made their share of turnovers and allowed entirely too many offensive rebounds on the year.  To continue following us down the rabbit hole that is UK basketball statistics and analysis make the jump.

Lloyd Blows McMahon

Pickem Scramble Week 13 – It’s Thankstaking! You’re welcome!

 

It is almost that time of year.  And around here, it means that it IS that time of year…

The APIAS.net crew will be celebrating a epic tradition this weekend, Thankstaking.  Starting with Friday night’s Thankstaking feast, which has all the charm of your normal Thanksgiving feast–turkey,  ham, devilled eggs, booze, fistfights, blood, cops–you know, the usual, with one charming exception.

We’re not thankful. You are. 

Today is the day when we reflect on all the good and great things we’ve given the world this year.

Here’s a brief list from your neighborhood cowboy.  More during the official carving of the beast.

Tennessee football, you’re welcome.  You’re welcome for my purchase of ESPN Gameplan to watch 7 (and counting) losses. 

Tigers baseball (and mlb.tv) you’re welcome for the $20 a month eDay and I dropped to watch the Tigs and A’s lose a collective 174 games (and yes, this includes the play-in game).  

Blogfrica, you’re welcome for all the ADD wit and charm we supply you with on a semi-regular basis.   Oh and for the completely and semi-ridiculous live-blogs.

Eday, 2SL, and Smooth, you’re welcome for all my failed attempts to teach you how to use Excel and Paint.  Seriously guys?!? 

SPS Field, you’re welcome for my giving you plenty of time to get your ten (10!) picks and a few witty comments in and for not reaching through the internet’s tubes at you for causing me to have to throw it together late, and without complete graphics, almost every week.  You’re all welcome.

To anyone I’ve forgotten:  You’re welcome.  And do a better job of getting me to notice you next year.

I’m taking this week off from calculating totals and whatnot, but I think E is still rolling the field.  Whatever.

On to this week’s games.  And you’re welcome.