Archive for the ‘Crime’ Category

Goodbye, Mike Brown

June 11, 2009
Mike Brown, who is a thief, may be leaving Cleveland

Mike Brown, who is a thief, may be leaving Cleveland

According to Pro Basketball News, the Cavaliers’ front office is thinking about getting rid of NBA Coach of the Year, Mike Brown. Apparently, getting to the Conference Finals was not good enough and Cleveland is pondering who to bring in to replace Brown. This is obviously a strategic move to make LeBron James (a free agent next summer) think that the Cavs are trying to make moves to make the team better so that he doesn’t bolt after next season. Pat Riley is rumored to be at the top of Cleveland’s wish list to replace Brown if he were to be replaced. Riley would be a mediocre (at best) replacement, but an obvious upgrade over thief (you know, because he stole the Coach of the Year award), Mike Brown. Here’s a list of other possible replacements.

  • jeffvangundyJeff Van Gundy: Can you imagine the networks getting to hype  LeBron vs. Howard and Van Gundy vs. Van Gundy in the Eastern Conference Finals for the next decade? We would also get to see the Van Gundy’s dad wearing one of those half-and-half shirts, one side would be a white button-down and the other would be a ribbed t-shirt. It would also lead to a new joke in the lines of, “Did you know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit?” and “Brady Quinn’s sister is dating AJ Hawk.” “Did you guys ever hear that Jeff and Stan Van Gundy are brothers?”
  • Mike Fratello: I, for one, would love to see The Czar of the Telestrator back in the league. He has coached in Cleveland before and would hopefully allow TV crews in all his huddles so that he could draw up his plays for the audience at home. Marv Albert would also probably bite some hooker in the back he would be so excited to call a game that Fratello was coaching.
  • Isiah Thomas: Well, you know, if the Cavs were trying to run LeBron out of town. Did you know Zeke’s middle name is Lord? No, seriously. You can see it right here on his Wiki page. Sometimes, you just can’t make this shit up.
  • bill waltonBill Walton: How great would LeBron feel every day coming out of practice. “LeBron, your moves were absolutely magnificent today. Watching you play is like touring with The Grateful Dead in ’78. Your dribbling reminds me of watching Jerry play “Terrapin Station” to the moon in San Francisco. Your dunk at the end was as powerful as a Bob Dylan lyric!” If LeBron is a jamband fan, Walton is the obvious choice.
  • Tim Floyd: He could give away envelopes of cash to these guys every two weeks and there would be no repercussions! His win totals in the NBA: 13, 17, 15 and 4. Those numbers are absolutely staggering, but if Paul Westphal can get another gig in the league, who can’t?
  • John Calipari: If he wants to dodge all these Memphis allegations, the NBA would be a perfect place to go. We would just have to make sure there were no Mexican reporters in Cleveland.
  • Rick Pitino: Speaking of wanting to get out of the spotlight, Pitino could finally get out of Louisville. It would be really funny to hear Pitino’s opening speech to the Cleveland faithful, “Craig Ehlo isn’t walking through that door… Danny Ferry isn’t walking through that door…!” Danny Ferry (standing next to him) would then remind Pitino that he is the team’s GM.
  • blakelivelyBlake Lively: If the Cavs really want King James to stick around, why not hire a smoking hot girl to keep LeBron entertained. Surely, she could learn Mike Brown’s offense (“Give LeBron the ball, stand around and don’t get in his way.”) and would be a PR success immediately. Hell, I would pool some cash together just to watch her walk up and down the sidelines.
  • Gene Hackman: Did you see Hoosiers? He was magnificent as Coach Norman Dale. If LBJ can’t get excited about running the picket fence (Just don’t get caught watching the paint dry), I’m not sure if he has a pulse. Plus, the Cavs could play that cheesy ’80’s music during games just to keep the feel from the movie going.
  • Smoothron:  I am a valid candidate. I would be cheaper than most other options. I have won two AAU State Championships in the last three years. I would be a great wingman for LeBron at the club after the game. I am pretty sure I am more competent than Mike Brown.
  • Billy Gillispie: Can you imagine? This would be absolutely perfect. BCG wouldn’t have to be a role model like he was supposed to be when he was coaching college kids. His weird smirk would fit right in in the NBA. I have heard there is a TON of Dr. Pepper in Cleveland. I do worry about what would happen if he were to sleep with a player’s girlfriend, though.
Advertisements

O.J. Got Paid? Naw!

May 13, 2009

benbenChalk this up, alongside the Manny-busted-for-steroids debacle, for this week’s biggest surprise in sports.  Reports are out that a “confidant” of Mayo’s was given “a grand” by USC coach Tim Floyd to get Mayo to attend USC.  There’s already been a lot of talk about Mayo’s crew receiving large sums of cash from BDA sports firm during his pre-NBA years and now this?  Well color me surprised.

I have to take issue with a few things in this story up front.  First off, the payment was “a grand.”  Let’s look at this situation.  If USC wanted SmoothRon to come teach classes on how to Superman Ho’s an envelope with 10 Benjies wouldn’t do the trick.  And let’s be real honest, Smooth can Superman with the best of them.  He was actually a back up dancer in that video (2 years ago?).  All joking aside, if I’m getting paid to get my one-and-done buddy to come to your school we’re talking 5 figures friend.  I told Coach Cal it’d be at least that to get my boy Wall to UK but he’s playing things close to the vest right now.  Just waiting to hear back from Haith now…

Second on my list of red flags in this story is that Floyd himself made the payoff.  Now I’ve never met Tim Floyd.  His IQ may be on the level of Al Davis but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt here and say he’s a slightly intelligent man.  Given that, it’s hard to believe he would actually hand a man $1,000 in an envelope for “delivering Mayo” to him.  Unless USC runs a really weird system Floyd should have serveral assistant coaches and GA’s to handle shit like that.  I may be naive here but why would he take that chance?

Don’t get me wrong here.  There’s obviously been a lot of money thrown around in this whole business and there are a lot of questions about who got paid and where that dough came from.  But at this point are we to believe that a thousand bones really contributed to a kid of that talent level going to a sunny school in Southern California, where the ladies are reputed to be blonde and gorgeous, the weather is perfect, and you can hang with the stars every night?  I’m just not buying it, no matter how many scorned posse members want to come forward with their stories.

Out-Duked by Ronald on a Tuesday

April 21, 2009

Usually when we find and share stories around here, they are somehow sports related.  For instance, the story from ESPN.com today about Elijah Dukes (yes that one) getting $500 from a local Washington-area Little League for an appearance in which he signed a few autographs, watched a parade, and jetted. 

Not interesting?  Okay, well he ended up being late to the game, was fined $500 and suspended by manager Manny Acta. 

Still not interesting?  Well, the Little League he was visiting PAID HIS FINE FOR HIM! 

They held a fundraiser.  Of course they did.  After all, Dukes is only making $415,500 this year (ESPN).  What a guy.  Makes me wonder how a guy like that could ever threatened his wife and kids, or impregnate a 17-year old on his grandmother’s couch and throw a Gatorade bottle at her. 

As good as that story is today, I actually have one to top it.  Follow along after the jump for the headline of the week.

(more…)

APIAS Road Trips – Summer 2009, part I

March 25, 2009

The air is warming up, the fairways are turning green, the snow is gone (finally), and baseball is around the corner. All of this can mean only one thing. Pounding the pavement.

I want to take a minute to outline the (ever-changing) APIAS Summer Road Tour 2009 schedule.  You’ll remember past tours to Detriot (again), Bristol, and of course Keeneland.  This year’s tour will include venues old and new.

And down the stairs he falls!

And down the stairs he falls!

Not to take away from the preview Smoothron will no doubt write next week, but the first order of business once you switch your thermostat from heat to A/C is, of course, Keeneland in Lexington, KY.  The final few stages of Kentucky Derby prep racing take place April 3-24.  The majors of this meet are the $750K Blue Grass Stakes on April 11, and the $350K Lexington Stakes on April 18.  Burgoo, spirits, short dresses, big hats, bo… sorry, Smooth will get you the preview at a later date.

Gotta love the 2 block walk to the stadium.

Gotta love the 2 block walk to the stadium.

The next order of business will be back to the land of Leyland.  Fuzzybuzz and myself will be jetsetting (read: Dodge Durang0) to Michigan for the Yankees-Tigers series April 27-30.  I don’t care if the Greektown Casino did file bankruptcy, they should better mark their Roulette tables.

I know theres a Jimmy Johns around here somewhere...

I know there's a Jimmy John's around here somewhere...

Soon after that, on May 2, the whole crew can be found on 4th street in Louisville under the Twin Spires.  It’ll be this cowboy’s first time to the Derby, but not the first beer on 4th Street.  Hell, I might even catch a concert or two.  Maybe a nice balcony bike ride.  No promises or apologies either day.  (Race you to York?)

See you there.

Other potential stops include Richmond, VA, Atlanta, GA, Austin, TX, San Diego, CA, Omaha, NE, Cincinnati, OH and Knoxville, TN.  Feel free to weigh in.

UT Hoops: They’re serious this time

March 12, 2009

wayne_chism_ernie1

Just as I was starting to wonder what the premier men’s basketball team in my home state was up to the night before their ’09 SEC Tourney debut, the all-knowing folks at Raycom Sports showed me.

The team is, as they should be, scouting the ‘Bama-Vandy game.

But are they representing my beloved alma mater with class and respect?  Of course.

Only Wayne Chism would know where to buy a Sesame Street “Ernie” hat.   Though, I’m still not sure if that’s better or worse than the yarmulke headband.

Oh dear.  Glad to see they’re taking it seriously this year.

Feel free to open up your weekend schedules, Vol fans.

Again.

Not pictured, Josh Tabb with 2 cell phones hanging from his left wrist and Bobby Maze in 4 gold chains and a do-rag. I’m serious.

FWP: No Football, No UK… More Beer

February 6, 2009

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Hmm… last weekend was… interesting.  The Cats didn’t show up at home against the Cocks (in what is starting to look like a trend), the Vols dismantled the Gators and the refs won the Super Bowl.  Seriously, the NFL puts on the biggest game of the season and can’t give us good refs?  A game of that magnitude decided by people who are obviously incompetent is a damn joke and a slap in the face to viewers.  And I guess it is possible that I’m a little upset that I don’t live in Tucson and didn’t get to see the porno during the boring zebra show.  The game showed so many black stripes I thought it was being played in the damn Safari Jungle.  I keep trying to think of other ways to rip the Super Bowl, but I’ve kind of lost them all and it was five days ago so it’s not exactly relevant.  There is stuff going on this weekend, even without a real football game or even a UK basketball game.  College hoops is in full swing, baseball will inch closer, the Celtics will put up 200 in New York and it’s Pro Bowl weekend!!! 

  • auburngirlsBrian Williams will once again lead the Vols to victory.  Can my favorite big man in the country not get some pub from the national media?  The dude’s only been playing hoops for a couple years and is developing into a hell of a player.  Plus, he gives America hope… at least more than Barack Obama does.  The game won’t be pretty, mainly because it’s being played in Auburn and Auburn follows the SEC West rule: All teams’ gyms’ lights must be set to dim.  The Tigers keep it close for a while, but can’t match Big Beezy or the rest of the Vols’ athleticism.  Vols 76 Tigers 68.
  • Rich Rodriguez will hope and pray that his freshmen will be ready to contribute in seven months.  Will Campbell and Tate Forcier are both already on campus and are the two most needed contributors from Rivals #7 class.  Campbell is a 5-star DL and is a physical specimen.  Forcier is a dual-threat QB who expects to compete for the starting job.  Can we all hope and pray these guys are ready?  I mean, who really wants to see the Buckeyes win again?
  • The Celtics will absolutely crush the Knicks tonight.  The C’s got screwed by the refs last night, KG’s last foul was an abomination.  So now, the defending champs are going into the arena that has given us two of the best performances of the year in back-to-back games… and not by Knick players.  In case you don’t watch the NBA, NY isn’t exactly known for its defensive prowess so this could get ugly quickly.  Boston wins by 30+.
  • aishwarya-rai-bachchan-may-17-3The Pink Panther 2 will come out, not be as good as the cartoon.  Can we stop making old-school cartoons into movies?  When was this ever a success?  The Flintstones, Scooby Doo, yeah… exactly.  Steve Martin used to be a funny guy.  We’re talking about the guy who was in The Jerk!  The guy was classic on SNL and now he’s doing this.  As TGC always says, “The economy’s rough on everybody.”  If you do for some reason go see this “film,” check out Aishwarya Rai.  The former Miss World is also in the movie and also to the right.  Look at the pretty girl, now keep reading.
  • The World Baseball Classic will inch closer, making all of us desperate for baseball.  If you haven’t already, a nice way to pass the time at work is to check out all the rosters for the WBC.  There are a lot of questions that come out of the rosters.  How is Japan so good with so few MLBers?  How is Venezuela so damn stacked?  Can the Dominican Republic be stopped?  Could I actually make Australia’s roster?  Answers to come soon.
  • Lane Kiffin will NOT make a trip to Gainesville.  I’ve got a thin line to walk here, seeing as Vol homers and a Gator homer all write for the site.  Is Kiffin making any friends by spouting off like that?  No, not with other SEC coaches, but he is getting the alumni and Vol fans excited about football again after a very long year.  The only thing I would advise is to not make up recruiting violations… also, don’t be upset when Tebow is throwing TD passes late in the 4th quarter of an 84-3 game.
  • hawaiiangirlBilly Gillispie will take a weekend off, fly out to Hawaii to watch the Pro Bowl and then sleep with your girlfriend.  Why does UK have a random Saturday off in the middle of conference play?  Maybe a three game losing streak was planned by BCG to get a week full of practice before a HUGE game against Florida.  The game against the Gators could be what gets the Cats in the tournament, or keeps them out.  Yikes.  On the other hand, its the Pro Bowl on Sunday night!  Woohoo!  If you like NFL players going half speed, not tackling and wanting to be at the beach… this game is totally for you!  It’s going to be the swan song for Hawaii and this event.  I’m not sure what the 500 fans who attend every year will do without this.  Surely, they can find some hot Hawaiian chicks to hang out with.

If that’s not enough entertainment for you this weekend, surely you can take bong hits with Michael Phelps!  Oh Snap!  WEEKEND!

… steers and racism? That can’t be right.

February 5, 2009

I expected this from Ole Miss… not a Travis Ford coached Oklahoma State.

From last nights Ok State vs. Texas Tech game.  Nobody thought to mention anything when they waved him through the gate, into the student section, and then down to the 3rd row? 

Then again, Ed Gallagher and Henry Iba always were pro-free speech.

bface1

California Pederast Arrested

February 4, 2009

calif_2slThe only thing this has to do with sports is that a college softball team was practicing.  The only thing that this has to do with this web site is that 2SL will be doing 18 months in a Southern California pen.

Via Deadspin

            “While retrieving books from her car parked next to his, she saw him in the driver’s seat, committing the lewd act with his shorts down.”

Nu’Keese Richardson testing dual-school waters

February 4, 2009

In the slightly-creepy all-day infatuation of following and hassling 17 year old kids over their choice of higher education — according to Rivals.com this afternoon — Nu’Keese Richardson became, apparently, the first high school player to commit to 2 different schools on signing day.  The fact that he will be attending and playing for both SEC East division rivals Florida and Tennessee makes the soup a little stewier for the early season contest.

 nukeese_2_school

Some preliminary questions that come to mind:

Will he be required to use 2 years of eligibility per year?  And would that make him NFL eligible by week 6 of 2010?

Which school’s academic criteria must he follow?

If he receives a degree from UF will that dimish the stature of the same from UT?

Can he play for both teams in the annual matchup?

Upon getting arrested in Las Vegas/Knoxville/Tijuana/Jacksonville does he call Urban or Lane?

This should get interesting…

UPDATE: Apparently Nu’Keese settled on a school after all, as Rivals has taken down the Florida commitment.  Oh well, would have been interesting…

“… some kind of genius?”

January 29, 2009

09volshoops1