Archive for the ‘Profanity’ Category

A summer plea for college sports

July 6, 2009

Nobody needs to see this

I thought I’d take a quick look around this morning to see how college sports blogs are handling the dry “boys of summer” months.

How’d it go?  Er, make your own calls.

Take a look at Rocky Top Talk’s Jimmy Clausen fashion exposé… if you dare.

Over at EDSBS, examined are the merits of Ben Franklin, The Kool Aid Man, Fried Chicken, Evil Knievel, coitus with old ladies, and Raising Arizona.  Yeah, I don’t know either, but it made me feel a little more patriotic than I was before I read it.

We Want the Lion takes a look at tailgating games, so that you may be more prepared the next time you go to Lowe’s (and with plenty of notice no less).  Washers, Ladder Golf, and (our favorite) Cornhole are covered.  All of which can be built in your garage with PVC, 2×4’s, plywood and elbow grease.  If you are the type of pretentious jerk that buys them pre-made, steer clear of our tailgates this fall or risk wearing the residuals of a Jack & Coke on your Lacoste shirt and croakies.

I’ll keep looking around the web in search of College Sports news for you guys as we plug through the humidity and dial in to August.

Happy 6th of July, all.  May your weekend hangovers end promptly before dinner tonight.  And let’s all pray the hillbillies a block down from me have finally extinguished their 2009 firework allotment so I can watch baseball outdoors in peace tonight.  Assholes.

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Memorial Day Weekend; Bull Durham style

May 23, 2009

Ah yes, a long weekend filled with baseball, beer, hotdogs, and racing.  The Tigers are on a winning streak and Tony Stewart is feelin’ the flow in Charlotte. Let’s have some fun goddamit.

And don’t forget to let a stranger drive you around (and sing Biz Markie) if you have a few too many cold beverages.

Oh yeah, it wouldn’t be the same unless I left you with a weekend-song-stuck-in-head. Here you go, you magnificent bastards! Wear those bad-boys all weekend.

Pearl’s Announcement via Youtube

May 7, 2009

Holly found video of the announcement earler.  I particularly enjoy the profanity and the “gates” joke, thought I’m not sure Miss Miller did.

I need someone more Biblically inclined to explain whether the officials joke is a Jew joke or a blind joke.

Out-Duked by Ronald on a Tuesday

April 21, 2009

Usually when we find and share stories around here, they are somehow sports related.  For instance, the story from ESPN.com today about Elijah Dukes (yes that one) getting $500 from a local Washington-area Little League for an appearance in which he signed a few autographs, watched a parade, and jetted. 

Not interesting?  Okay, well he ended up being late to the game, was fined $500 and suspended by manager Manny Acta. 

Still not interesting?  Well, the Little League he was visiting PAID HIS FINE FOR HIM! 

They held a fundraiser.  Of course they did.  After all, Dukes is only making $415,500 this year (ESPN).  What a guy.  Makes me wonder how a guy like that could ever threatened his wife and kids, or impregnate a 17-year old on his grandmother’s couch and throw a Gatorade bottle at her. 

As good as that story is today, I actually have one to top it.  Follow along after the jump for the headline of the week.

(more…)

FWP: The enormously long trumpet thing edition

April 3, 2009

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

That special time of the year is finally upon us.  It is opening day at Keeneland.  A week ago I promised you an in-depth preview from resident horse racing/tailgating guru Smoothron.  Of course, he’s already at the track this morning, and when I followed up via text message I received this in return: “It got deleted somehow.  I don’t have the heart/sobriety to start over.”

It was 10:32am.

Last call for bets!

Last call for bets!

For the rest of us trapped in offices and cubes today, we’ll be venturing out tomorrow, dressed to the nines, to experience the short dresses, magnificent beasts, overpriced Bud Light, warm cups of Burgoo, betting lines with TSH and Santa, and “Meet Me At The Clock.”

By the way, what is that really long trumpet thingy called anyway?

On to the predictions!

Keeneland will see its first TGC-Break-Even day since 2006.  For those of you unfamiliar, that means winning enough on the ponies to cover beer, burgoo, and lost wager costs.  It is a seldom accomplished feat, but not unprecedented.  I’m feeling good about it this year!

John Calipari will referee an intrasquad game. As many of you know, Kentucky hired Coach Cal away from Memphis this week, and as his first order of post-double-press conference action, he–of course–held practice.  According to sources inside my local thirst quenching establishment, he’s committed to having spots for any senior that wishes to return.  No, that does not include you Josh Harrellson.

Sorry Eday, Kotsay (s wife) is in Boston.

Sorry Eday, Kotsay ('s wife) is in Boston.

The Tigers, Mets, A’s, Cubs, and Reds will all win their Opening Day games.  Yes! You are God Damn Right.  Baseball season is here!  We made it!  The long boring month of February between Football and Baseball is over.  March Madness is wrapping up.  Clear out a spot for me on the patio!  It’s baseball time! 

Smooth will ask me if I put up a picture of a hot chick.  Yes.

Nate Robertson will run out of tissues.  The same Nate Robertson who tallied a 6.35 ERA (highest in the bigs for starters pitching over 162 innings) last year.  The same who gave up 5 runs in 3 innings last week.  The same who is making a guaranteed $17 million.  The same who lost his job as a starter (finally!) and is now crying that he needs to go somewhere else to be appreciated (I’m thinking Toledo).  Grow a sack Nate.  Or learn how to pitch.  Either way, STFU.

Well, it’s almost noon here on the East Coast.  The sun is starting to peek through the clouds.  The first post call (with the trumpet thing) is due in about an hour.  And I’m sure somewhere Smoothron is shuffling little squares of white paper in between brews and hourly shots of moonshine.

I’ll see you there tomorrow morning at 9am.

I can’t wait.

FWP: Never to be Seen in Tampa Again Edition

March 13, 2009

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Hooray!  It’s Conference Tournament Championship weekend!  The Big Six Conferences will all crown their champions by 6PM on Sunday and then Seth Davis will be able to rip apart every team in the NCAA Tournament except for Duke (he’s sure they’re going to make a big run this year).  I like to look at this weekend as just a warmup for next.  Hell, I worked yesterday and am writing this from work right now.  If you think I’m going to work next Thursday or Friday, you must be as drunk as I’m going to be in about six hours.  Thank Mitch for the interweb, though, as I was able to listen to the Cats take down the Rebels yesterday.  Hopefully, I’ll be out of this place soon enough and can stop getting paid to blog (unintentionally).  This is a great weekend for all those who like to talk shit about things that don’t really matter.  Sure, Kansas, Oklahoma, Connecticut and Pittsburgh all got knocked out of their conference tournaments before ever winning a game.  Does that hold any weight at all?  Aren’t all of those teams still going to the Dance?  Even with those losses, it wouldn’t be a shock to see any of them in the Final Four.  Conference tournaments for BCS schools are all about money and are superfluous at best.  Is it fun to watch some good games?  Sure!  Can you tell me who won the 2006 Big XII Tourney (without checking out Wiki)?  I didn’t think so.  Watch the games, but don’t get your hopes up or down because of how well your team plays.

While this may be a basketball-heavy weekend, Round 2 of the WBC gets going, Tiger is golfing again and we all gear up for the only day of the year where drinking green beer would be encouraged.  Yep…

  • osugirls1Oklahoma State will win the Big XII Tournament; Lexington, KY will explode.  It’s no secret that UK fans are less than pleased with Coach Billy Gillispie right now.  The crazed fanbase is ready to hire anyone with UK ties (Pat Riley’s name has been mentioned which is just inane).  What do you know?  Travis Ford coaches the Oklahoma State Cowboys who just beat a top 10 team!  If you don’t think coaching for a job in Lexington is motivating enough for Ford, you were never at Redmon’s on Thursday nights when Ford coached at Eastern Kentucky.
  • Wake Forest will win the ACC Tournament.  They are definitely the most athletic team in the conference with Ty Lawson out for UNC.  Duke is obviously a bunch of whiny bitches who don’t have the cajones to play well three days in a row.  Lawson’s injury will be too much for UNC to overcome (have you seen Larry Drew II play PG for them…yikes!) and Roy-Boy will not want to get anyone hurt already knowing he has a #1 seed locked up.
  • The Netherlands will fall back to reality when it comes to baseball.  Look, it was a hell of a run.  No one not named Fjord thought they could beat the Domincans (twice!) to make it from Pool D to Pool 2 (See what they did there?  Lettered Pools to Numbered Pools.  Nice.), but the run ends at Pool 2.  The USA and Venezuela emerge from the almighty Pool 2 to take on Japan and Korea in Pool Triangle… or something like that.
  • asugirlsNo one will know the Pac-10 Tournament is actually going on, but Arizona State will win anyway.  How bad is basketball out West this year?  The Pac-10 has two teams in the top 15 and they both suck.  They just happened to have beaten all the really bad teams out West to move up the rankings.  Ugh, moving on.
  • Few will be awake to see Wisconsin win the Big 10 Tournament.  Oh, sorry, I just woke back up.  I accidentally turned on the Michigan St./Minnesota game.  The game clock read 3:35 left to play and the score was 27-26, so I guess it was the 2nd half.  Bo Ryan is the best coach in the conference and will find a way to get his team into the Dance.  Raise your hand if you like defense!  Actually, put both hands up, it’s better for your defensive stance.
  • Tiger Woods!!! Wooooo!!!!  The sound of schoolgirls yelping was actually that of golf executives when they heard El Tigre would be playing this weekend.  Sadly, he’s tied for 40th right now and I’m pretty sure that doesn’t put him in the final pairing on Sunday.  Bru still owes me his car.
  • Villanova will beat West Virginia in the Big East Championship game.  Louisville is over-hyped and Syracuse will be dead tonight so both will lose.  Jay Wright is a hell of a coach, Bob Huggins is a hell of a drinker; Wright wins on Saturday night because Huggins will be thirsty.  Real quick tangent, just because a basketball game is long does not mean it is great.  If a baseball game goes 20 innings, do people call it the greatest game ever?  No, because you usually see pitchers that are terrible and would never play in any other circumstance.  Thus, in a basketball game, you see players making plays they would never make because they are exhausted and have no energy.  They are not playing at a high level and the quality of the game goes down.  UK/Duke is still the greatest game ever played and Syracuse/UConn might crack the top 15.  Tangent… out!
  • lsugirlLSU will win the SEC Tournament and then Billy Gillispie will sleep with your girlfriend.  Look, everyone knows every team in the SEC has flaws.  Kentucky is inconsistent.  Florida doesn’t have consistent inside play.  Tennessee’s guards couldn’t guard me.  LSU lost twice last week.  South Carolina has Devan Downey and… I can’t think of anyone else on their team.  Mississippi State is coached by Rick Stansbury.  Auburn is coached by Jeff Lebo.  Alabama’s coach is afraid to yell at the refs because his mommy might get mad.  LSU won more games all year, so hell, I’ll take them to win it.  Also, ladies, watch out, this could be BCG’s last SEC Tourney.  He’ll be looking to go out with a bang!  Get it, “bang?”

Okay, I’m at work at UK/LSU is about to start.  I better start getting sick in a hurry so I can get the hell out of here.  Have a fabulous weekend you beautiful bastards.

FWP: No F*#%ing Football

January 23, 2009

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Oh, it’s that dreaded week with no football.  The NFL, for some ridiculous reason, has a bye week between the conference championships and the Super Bowl.  Why in the hell?  I don’t think there is a good reason.  Oh!  But next year there will the Pro Bowl to fill our football needs!  Whatever, the Pro Bowl won’t help the void then and nothing helps fill it now… not even the NHL All-Star game, which is Sunday for those who didn’t know.  Oh, you don’t care?  Yeah, neither does the rest of America.  Hopefully a slate of college hoops, the dumbest discussion ever and the scent of baseball in the air will keep you occupied.  Yeah, let’s do this.

  • anaivanovicAna Ivanovic will not play tennis… and no one will be better for that.  How pissed are you if you flew all the way to Australia to see this hot Serbian babe play tennis and then she gets ousted early?  I wouldn’t be happy either.  Let’s be honest, the only reason Ana is being mentioned (let alone tennis for that matter) here is because she is smoking hot.  Take a look at the picture of the sexy Serb and then keep reading.
  • China will issue some crazy edict against its people.  Remember when Yao used to blow the rest of the NBAers out of the water in all-star voting?  It was never even close.  Now, Dwight Howard is the leading vote getting receiving all-star of all time and Yao finished 6th on the ballot.  This won’t go over well in the communist nation.  And, hey, Yi Jianlian didn’t even get voted in!!  There will be hell to pay, Chinese people!
  • The And1 tour will be broadcast on national television.  Yes, Memphis is playing at Tennessee on CBS!  Ooooh snap!  See what I did there?  They are both streetball teams, get it?   More seriously, there will be a lot of athletes on the court for this one.  More importantly though, is the matchup of Big Brian Williams and Pierre Henderson-Niles.  There will be about 600 lbs. of man throwing itself around when those two get together.  Memphis tries to play the revenge factor, but they just aren’t very good.  Vols win another close one, 81-76.
  • marisatomeiYou will probably go see The Wrestler.  I won’t, but you probably will.  I don’t like to let things like movies get in the way of my drinking, but apparently movies are what Americans do on weekend nights.  Who would have known?  Have they ever tried to drink 25 beers in a night?  You can’t go see a movie and drink 25 beers!  In other words, Marisa Tomei is in it and I have heard she has trouble keeping her clothes on in movies anymore.  Hell, maybe I’ll go see it on Recovery Sunday.
  • The dumbest sports debate of the year will rage on.  Waaaaaaaah!!!  We got beat 100-0, please feel sorry for us!  Please talk about us incessantly on sports talk radio.  Please rip the coach of a winning team for letting his girls play when… that’s what they’re supposed to do.  Take the quote of a mom on the LOSING team and publish it for the entire country to see, not that she would be biased or anything.  Whatever, get the fuck over it.  You suck at basketball.
  • Pitchers and catchers will start loosening up the arms.  Watch out, baseball is just around the corner.  You can see our cool counter to the right that tells you just how quick it’s coming.  I’m going out on a limb and predicting a Tigers/A’s ALCS and a Mets/Cubs NLCS.  The Mets will win the NL, of course, and whoever drinks more tonight between EDay and TGC can pick the winner of the AL.  BASEBALL!!!
  • alabamagirlsBilly Gillispie will come to your college town, beat your college basketball team, then sleep with your college girlfriend.  The Cats play in Tuscaloosa and Oxford back-to-back, so you better turn up the brightness on your television sets.  In other news, Ronald Steele has opted out of finishing his senior year at Alabama.  His AARP benefits kicked in, so he figured he could go ahead and start seeing the world.  Jodie gets 37, PatPat gets 22 and the Cats get 76.  Sadly (if you are a Tide fan), Bama will only get 65.  Also, I’m sure you’re really proud of that blonde girl you started dating last semester and it’s lasted all the way through second semester, but BCG is coming to town.  I wouldn’t let her out of sight.

Hell yeah!  Weekend!  Beer!  Exclamation points!

John Daly does his best Otis Campbell

October 30, 2008

The police in Mayberry Winson-Salem picked up a drunken John Daly over the weekend from, where else, passed out, outside the neighborhood Hooters.  They took him to jail to sober up, then sent him on his merry way.  I wonder if this counts as a mandatory photo-op in his Hooters contract?

From the CBS report:

While at the restaurant, police said Daly “appeared extremely intoxicated and uncooperative,” refused repeatedly to be taken to the hospital and was asked to leave the restaurant by several workers.

Daly was taken to the Forsyth County Law Enforcement Detention Center for a 24-hour stay, until he was sober.

 No word yet if there was a dynamite-eating goat in the cell with him.

[CBS]

Lou’s got piss and vinegar, even at 71

October 13, 2008

Long before he was sweet ol’ Dr. Lou, Coach Holtz was a National Championship winning head man at the second all-time winningest football program ever.  We saw a spark of that fiery man this weekend.

I won’t bother to redo all the research that Matt Hinton did so well over at Dr. Saturday, but I did want to share this video with you.  Even at 71 years old he’s still as sharp as a syrienge filled with ‘roid.

Hinton:

When he has a job to do, he’s stopping at nothing — including basic civility on national television — to see it’s done. This was the secret to his coaching success:

[Dr. Saturday]

TAGMAT!: Oh, Hell

October 9, 2008

TAGMAT (They are giving money away today!) is a weekly column done every week by APIAS.net’s resident gambling addict, Smoothron.  This site in no way advocates gambling, especially excessively.  Smoothron’s degenerate friend, who will refer to as Casino Bobby also gives you his picks for the week.  If we can tell you anything, bet against both of them and you should be able to retire within the first month of the season.

Some people would throw in the towel at this point.  A subpar gambling season would cause some to run to the hills exclaiming, “I’m never gambling again!”  That is about the same as the time you were a college freshman and got sick in the dorm and you told your roommate, “I’m never drinking again.”  You serious, Clark?  Everyone knows that you drank the next night and everyone knows you’ll be right back checking the lines the next week.  Don’t get discouraged, find some sort of silver lining.  Isn’t there something to gain from weeks and weeks of picking losers?  Sure there is.

The good thing about this season is that teams have played five or six games.  We are starting to figure teams out, we know who they are.  Some teams aren’t as good as we thought they might be: Clemson, Auburn and Wisconsin.  Others teams ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!: Oklahoma, LSU and Texas.  So, it’s time to quit looking at expectations and now look at what teams are this season.  West Virginia isn’t very good, so don’t bet on them just because they have Pat White and Noel Devine.  Nick Saban IS very good, so don’t bet against them just because they play fifteen (15!) true freshmen.  Figure out who a team is for this year, not what they were or should have been, and then bet on them.  Hey, I tried.

Here goes nothing… or something… but probably nothing. (more…)