Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.
The Super Bowl is Sunday, what else can I say? Well, actually, can I even say that? Apparently, NBC and its advertisers are the only people who can actually use the words, “Super Bowl.” That is one of the single dumbest things ever. As if when ABC advertises its Wipeout Bowl: Cheerleaders vs. Couch Potatoes to come on, “…after the big game on Sunday night,” no one will know what the hell they’re talking about. Oh, you mean they’re NOT talking about the North Carolina State at Virginia Tech women’s college basketball game on Sunday afternoon (FoxSportsSouth)? Seriously? That isn’t the big game they’re talking about? Even dumber than that may be that churches supposedly aren’t allowed to advertise, “Super Bowl Parties.” You don’t have to like church to know that’s idiotic. The “big game” isn’t the only thing going on this weekend, though. UK hosts South Carolina, Tennessee hosts GameDay and Florida, the most unlikely trend in America takes over and there are hot women to ogle. Sweet. Yep…
- Vol fans will need directions to Thompson-Boling Arena. When most Knoxvillians (Knoxvillites?) heard GameDay was coming to town, they figured the football Vols were so important that ESPN would send them down just to be there. Sadly, they were mistaken and are now left to have to wake up early to go inside (and have to sneak Jack in). All the hoopla aside, the Vols desperately need a win. They’ve lost two in a row at home and four out of their last five there. I remember a trip to the Winch last year when the Gators came to K-town and got their ass run. Hopefully, the same will happen again (for TGC’s health’s sake). Vols 84 Gators 73.
- The Snuggie will take over the world. Are you people fucking serious? The fucking Snuggie? That thing has sold 4 MILLION products? This must be a damn joke. Hmm… a warm thing with sleeves? Ever try a sweater? Or putting on a robe backwards? Who in the hell wants to look like a druid while sitting around watching TV? I am absolutely stunned. I have nothing else to say, ever, about the fucking Snuggie.
- The APIAS headquarters might not be covered in ice. Ice and snow really suck, unless you’re in school and you get out because there is so much. Sadly, your APIAS contributors are all past their schooling prime… except of course for 2SL. Everyone’s favorite student teacher has done nothing all week. Congratulations.
- The Cardinals will win the Super Bowl. There is no stopping Kurt Warner and Jesus. Let’s look at this analytically; Florida won the first championship of the year. Who is their media darling? Tim Tebow, who loves Jesus. Who is the Cardinals’ media darling? Kurt Warner, who loves Jesus. Take the Cardinals on the moneyline and make yourself a lot of money. Just don’t forget to give 10% of your winnings to JC.
- The temptation of The Uninvited will not be strong enough to get you to set down your beer. Can I be honest? I have no clue anything about this movie, except for one thing. Arielle Kebbel (the future Mrs. Smoothron) stars in it. The Uninvited is not good enough to watch at the theaters, but if Arielle’s other films are any indication, it will be great for a Sunday afternoon. I don’t like to admit this too often, but John Tucker Must Die is strangely re-watchable. Arielle Kebbel is sexy, look at the picture, then let’s move on.
- UConn will be the next team to claim the #1 spot in college hoops. A game against Providence is the only thing standing between the Huskies and the top spot in all the land. Of course, they go to Louisville on Monday and will probably give the ranking back up, but it will be fun for the four hours they have it.
- Johan Santana will get a little more ready for Spring Training. Baseball is almost here. The nights of a patio full of guys, laptops (labtops) on their… laps, beers in their hands, watching their favorite baseball team on MLB.tv (using the same username) and enjoying life are almost upon us. I can’t wait.
- Something will seem like a good idea, it won’t be. Sometimes, I get upset when I drink. It might be a sporting event gone awry, running out of beer or an ex-girlfriend which makes me irate; but it happens. Often, I like to release this anger, and my old phone (The Tank 2005-2008 R.I.P.) took the brunt of my ire. Sadly, I got a new phone which probably won’t do so well if I throw it across the living room. Last weekend, a jump-kick to my recliner seemed like the best idea at 1AM. One broken elbow (is that even possible??) later… Whoops.
- Billy Gillispie will make fun of your hat, then sleep with your girlfriend. Remember when those white hats were really in style for frat boys? Did they go out of frat style? The “cool” ones were from Oregon State (Beavers), Fordham (FU) and South Carolina (Cocks). I had none. The Cocks come to Lexington tomorrow for their annual beatdown in KY. Darrin Horn (Tates Creek alum) will not enjoy his first trip as a Cock to Rupp. The Cats are coming off a terrible effort against Ole Miss the other night and are looking to take some aggression out by beating the Cocks handily. Watch out after the game, as always, for BCG. He’s especially ready to rail your girlfriend after a loss. Who the hell would leave Columbia, SC anyway? Go to the Horseshoe, play your guitar and smoke a bowl… not that I’ve ever done that.
It could be one long weekend if you plan on drinking tonight (you know, because it’s Friday), all day tomorrow (Cats @ 3PM, Vols @ 9PM) and Super Sunday (Super Sunday). Enjoy it all!