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FWP: Sunglasses at Night Edition

June 19, 2009

fwpFearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

It’s 8AM, I’ve been at work for two hours and I am ready to go home. Hopefully, a little FWP will help pass the time until noon or whenever I deem a good time to head home. One place I will not be heading is to Louisville for “Downs After Dark” tonight. Yes, Churchill Downs, home of the most famous horse race in the entire world, will try out night racing for the first time tonight. My guess is that it will be a racing success and a social disaster. From a racing standpoint, it’s an absolute no-brainer. We’re in a terrible economy, where discretionary income is lessened every day. For many people, that means they won’t be able to go out to drink and gamble like they might once have. Well, when you put horse racing on a Friday evening, people can use their dinner money for drinking and gambling (much like I do everyday). Crowds will be absolutely killer and Churchill has already jacked up their admission prices to ensure they make every last dime they possibly can. Also, let’s not forget that you cannot watch Churchill on television live… anywhere, not on TVG or HRTV or even HGTV. So, the hardcore gamblers (the ones with jobs at least) will finally be able to actually see the races they are betting on. That is the part with this that I am totally on board, a homerun. Now, to the part that is going to suck: the people that are going to be there. One thing that Churchill Downs prides itself on (except for the Derby, of course) is their crowd is mostly people who are there for the races. It’s not like a Keeneland crowd where people go for drinking, socializing and to show off their new dress (Bru). Well, now it is going to be “the place to be seen.” I would say there will be a lot of dudes wearing their sunglasses at night (video below). Granted, Churchill doesn’t care who shows up as long as they get their $10 from each person through the turnstile, but that’s not a scene I want to be a part of. If Douchebag-Facebook-Status-Updates are any indication of the types of losers that are going to be there, I’ll be fine sitting on the couch with Blevs and Turner doing my gambling from 76 miles away. Lastly, Nick Nicholson better not be getting any ideas.

No choice but to move on, let’s do this.

  • elinwoodsTiger Woods will dominate the US Open. Bru and I went double-or-nothing on our car bet from last year. If you’re new, Bru and I bet last year on the number of majors that Tiger would win. The O/U was 1.5. He took the over and lost, I took the under and won his car. I decided to let him double down. As TGC pointed out in the early spring, “Bru, in about 10 years, you might be opening Smoothron’s Ford dealership.” Fine by me. Also, we all love Elin, Tiger’s sexy, Swedish, nanny wife. Well, done Tiger… as if you didn’t have enough going well in your life.
  • The NHL Playoffs will continue being irrelevant. Um, excuse, someone is telling me something. What’s that? They’re actually over? Oh, I would have thought someone would have said something about that. In all seriousness, I watched the last ten minutes of Game 7 last Friday night. Hockey just doesn’t do it for me. The only hockey story of note this year was that one guy calling Elisha Cuthbert his sloppy seconds. That made hockey important for about six hours.
  • Jodie Meeks will pray and pray and then pray some more. On Monday, Jodie crushed Big Blue Nation by not returning to UK and opting to keep his name in the draft. I really wish the best for Meeks, he was a bright spot on a very rough 2008-09 season, but this is a bad decision. After Meeks’ breakout performance against Tennessee (did you see that game, TGC?), defenses keyed on him. He struggled many times to get shots off against mediocre SEC defenses. I think he could have gotten quite a bit better under Calipari this year, especially his ball handling, but he’s gone. Now, Jodie will just have to hope and wait that some team will draft him in the first round where he will be guaranteed a contract. If not, he might want to brush up on his Arabic.
  • oliviawildeYear One will usurp The Hangover and become the #1 movie in America. Have you heard of Year One? It’s the movie that was advertised every f*#%ing commercial break during the NBA Finals. Michael Cera is one of the funniest people on the planet, but even I got a little sick of his “I’m awkward and don’t know what to say about sports” schtick at some point. The producers and studio must be praying this movie opens well or many heads will roll. The best part of the movie has to be that it features the uber-hot Olivia Wilde. Oh, Olivia, look how far you’ve come since you were playing hot, bi-curious Alex on The OC.
  • Bruce Pearl will prepare for an odd appearance in the coming week. NBA TV has hired Pearl as a Draft Analyst for the week. I don’t mean to rip on Tennessee too much this morning, but in what world does this make sense? Does Pearl, the basketball coach at UT, give NBA TV a big draw? More Vol fans would watch if Lane Kiffin were giving his analysis than Pearl. Thankfully, Bruce tweeted to let us know that he will be wearing a shirt.
  • Donte’ Stallworth will just be chilling in the clink. I’m not positive if clink is still used to describe prison, but it makes me seem like I have street cred. You would think, with all the media there is these days, that someone would compare the Mike Vick case to the Stallworth case. You know, because the two are so very similar. Either way, this really sucks for everyone involved. What? Stallworth went to Tennessee? Oh man, TGC is going to beat me.
  • lakergirlsThe second worst NBA Champs of the decade will keep celebrating. Yes, 2009 Lakers, you just beat out the ’06 Heat to NOT be the worst Champs of the 2000’s. How bad was that Heat team? DWade, Shaq and a bunch of clowns. Antoine Walker and Gary Payton got valuable minutes for that team. In reality, the teams are very similiar. They each have a superstar guard (Wade/Bryant), an aging PG (Payton/Fisher), a great big man (O’Neal/Gasol), an athletic swing man who can defend (Posey/Ariza) and an enigmatic pothead (Walker/Odom). I will give the Lakers the benefit of the doubt because I don’t think Dwyane Wade would shoot 573,829 free throws again. Hopefully, Garnett will return to form and LeBron will get some help next year so we can get away from non-memorable champions.

Hey, it’s almost 9:30 and I haven’t done anything at work so I better pretend to work for thirty minutes or so. Get by a pool, play some golf, hug your dad, help W move and drink one for me. Weekend!

Brazil Beats USA in Soccer… Of Course They Do

June 18, 2009

Surprising no one in the entire world, Brazil beat the USA 3-0 in the Confederations Cup today. The USA had exactly zero shots on goal, while the Brazilians had eight (8!). Two guys who go by only one name scored for the winners. I think I have figured out the problem.

Hmm… a bunch of tiny looking guys, no? What if they looked like this..?

Can you imagine how could LeBron, Kobe and Chris Paul would be on a soccer field? Tayshaun Prince would be the best goalie since… um, I don’t know of any great goalies in soccer history. But, he’d be pretty damn good. I would almost guarantee last year’s Olympic Champion “Redeem Team” could give a better effort than the current USA Soccer “team.” Hell, we might even let Coach K coach them, if they could actually get a shot on goal.

FWP: The Moral Dilemma Edition

June 12, 2009

fwpFearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Well, it has been a few weeks. Last time we met was before Memorial Day weekend. Lots of things have happened since then. I went to Block Island, Rhode Island (which is about as modern as its website) for my cousin’s wedding. My cousin is an Irish-Jew and he married a Jamaican girl. They were both in the minority fraternity/sorority in college. Let’s just say the single, white females were NOT out in full force. And, of course the hottest one there caused me to have a major moral dilemma. But, I’m from Kentucky… and we’re not blood related… so, whatever. Then, last weekend, Bru’s sister got married at Keeneland. Yeah, you can guess what that was like. The great thing was the reception was in the same room that my friend, Regis, and I once went to the 2003 Taste of the Bluegrass. It was $75/plate and by “went to,” I mean we snuck in. Oh well, we had a great time. (Smoothron note: I had this great opening typed up until the internet crapped out on me. I don’t have the effort to re-write. Let me say again, she is NOT blood related.) Let’s do this…

  • amymickelsonPhil Mickelson will play golf and that is awesome. Look, I know I usually (try to) be funny or whatever on here. But, Mickelson is playing golf during a time when his family is going through a terrible time. We’re all praying that Amy Mickelson gets better soon and keeps being a cougar for many years to come.
  • Yankee fans and Met fans will brawl all weekend. Both teams just lost big series to their biggest division rivals. The Yankees haven’t beaten the Red Sox all year. The Mets are starting to look like the ’08 A’s with all the guys they’re putting on the DL. The Yankees new stadium is giving up more HRs than a 2SL prom date. Met fans are born angry. The economy is bad. El Nino is back. Yeah, it’s going to be a sight to see in NY this weekend. I almost wish I would have gone, but… nah.
  • Pete Carroll will be invincible. One coach has a former player that is accused of receiving over $300k while playing college athletics. Another coach gives a guy a thousand bucks. Who would you think would be let go (Yeah, I’m sure he “resigned”) first? Well, Tim Floyd lost his job this week and Pete Carroll will continue to be the face of USC. Good job, Tim Floyd! I would like to announce my candidacy for the next Head Coach at USC. I will not cheat, I will let Carroll be the BMOC and will lose 30 40 lbs. for the USC coeds.
  • carrieprejeanCarrie Prejean will not have much to do. Oh, poor Carrie. She lost her Miss California crown this week, now what the hell is she supposed to do? I could think of a few things I would love to do with her. Anyways, let me ask one question. If you are gay (not that there’s anything wrong with it), do you really want Perez Hilton championing any cause you have? Seriously? That guy? Whatever, I will marry the former Miss California tomorrow.
  • Phish will rock at Bonnaroo. Yes, I love Phish. I really wanted to go to Bonnaroo, but there’s just something about not showering for four days that I can’t handle. I also really like my cell phone, my TV, my computer and my bed. I almost wish I would have gone, but… nah. (Also, don’t know if you like Phish or not, but this clip below is sick. Flat out nasty!)

  • The Nationwide Series will run in Kentucky. One would think that NASCAR and the Commonwealth of Kentucky would be a match made in heaven. Sadly, it isn’t so. I have a possible idea for why that is. Because I live in KY and haven’t heard anything about the race until today! Granted, I’m not the biggest NASCAR fan in the world, but you would think people would be abuzz talking about a race less than 90 minutes from my house. Nope, but everyone can sure tell you the two guys who are off the UK Basketball team as of yesterday (Matt Pilgrim and Kevin Galloway).
  • lakergirlThe Lakers won’t win the NBA Title. These predictions are just for the weekend, remember? Yes, the Magic will get one more win (even without Mickael Pietrus, the dirty Frenchy) on Sunday night. That will allow more money for ABC and the NBA and also allow the Lakers to celebrate their title in LA. We will then get to hear all the Kobe-lovers talk about how great he is. And he is great, but he’s still not (and never will be) Jordan. Let’s not forget, Kobe doesn’t have the signature shot in his career like MJ has about 15. Seriously, try and think of the greatest Kobe shot ever. Um… yeah. Now, think of the greatest MJ shot. Over Russell in ’98? Over Ehlo in ’89? Hell, you could even throw in the one from the ’82 NCAA Title game. Chew on that, Kobe-lovers.

There you go. I have been stealing money all day at work, so I better do something for the last hour or so that I’m here (yes, it’s 12:30PM as I type this). And, please remember, be better! (And, yes, I do realize that the ladies today are all blondes. I don’t discriminate. Especially to you… because, you know… we ARE NOT blood related. Thanks.)

Goodbye, Mike Brown

June 11, 2009
Mike Brown, who is a thief, may be leaving Cleveland

Mike Brown, who is a thief, may be leaving Cleveland

According to Pro Basketball News, the Cavaliers’ front office is thinking about getting rid of NBA Coach of the Year, Mike Brown. Apparently, getting to the Conference Finals was not good enough and Cleveland is pondering who to bring in to replace Brown. This is obviously a strategic move to make LeBron James (a free agent next summer) think that the Cavs are trying to make moves to make the team better so that he doesn’t bolt after next season. Pat Riley is rumored to be at the top of Cleveland’s wish list to replace Brown if he were to be replaced. Riley would be a mediocre (at best) replacement, but an obvious upgrade over thief (you know, because he stole the Coach of the Year award), Mike Brown. Here’s a list of other possible replacements.

  • jeffvangundyJeff Van Gundy: Can you imagine the networks getting to hype  LeBron vs. Howard and Van Gundy vs. Van Gundy in the Eastern Conference Finals for the next decade? We would also get to see the Van Gundy’s dad wearing one of those half-and-half shirts, one side would be a white button-down and the other would be a ribbed t-shirt. It would also lead to a new joke in the lines of, “Did you know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit?” and “Brady Quinn’s sister is dating AJ Hawk.” “Did you guys ever hear that Jeff and Stan Van Gundy are brothers?”
  • Mike Fratello: I, for one, would love to see The Czar of the Telestrator back in the league. He has coached in Cleveland before and would hopefully allow TV crews in all his huddles so that he could draw up his plays for the audience at home. Marv Albert would also probably bite some hooker in the back he would be so excited to call a game that Fratello was coaching.
  • Isiah Thomas: Well, you know, if the Cavs were trying to run LeBron out of town. Did you know Zeke’s middle name is Lord? No, seriously. You can see it right here on his Wiki page. Sometimes, you just can’t make this shit up.
  • bill waltonBill Walton: How great would LeBron feel every day coming out of practice. “LeBron, your moves were absolutely magnificent today. Watching you play is like touring with The Grateful Dead in ’78. Your dribbling reminds me of watching Jerry play “Terrapin Station” to the moon in San Francisco. Your dunk at the end was as powerful as a Bob Dylan lyric!” If LeBron is a jamband fan, Walton is the obvious choice.
  • Tim Floyd: He could give away envelopes of cash to these guys every two weeks and there would be no repercussions! His win totals in the NBA: 13, 17, 15 and 4. Those numbers are absolutely staggering, but if Paul Westphal can get another gig in the league, who can’t?
  • John Calipari: If he wants to dodge all these Memphis allegations, the NBA would be a perfect place to go. We would just have to make sure there were no Mexican reporters in Cleveland.
  • Rick Pitino: Speaking of wanting to get out of the spotlight, Pitino could finally get out of Louisville. It would be really funny to hear Pitino’s opening speech to the Cleveland faithful, “Craig Ehlo isn’t walking through that door… Danny Ferry isn’t walking through that door…!” Danny Ferry (standing next to him) would then remind Pitino that he is the team’s GM.
  • blakelivelyBlake Lively: If the Cavs really want King James to stick around, why not hire a smoking hot girl to keep LeBron entertained. Surely, she could learn Mike Brown’s offense (“Give LeBron the ball, stand around and don’t get in his way.”) and would be a PR success immediately. Hell, I would pool some cash together just to watch her walk up and down the sidelines.
  • Gene Hackman: Did you see Hoosiers? He was magnificent as Coach Norman Dale. If LBJ can’t get excited about running the picket fence (Just don’t get caught watching the paint dry), I’m not sure if he has a pulse. Plus, the Cavs could play that cheesy ’80’s music during games just to keep the feel from the movie going.
  • Smoothron:  I am a valid candidate. I would be cheaper than most other options. I have won two AAU State Championships in the last three years. I would be a great wingman for LeBron at the club after the game. I am pretty sure I am more competent than Mike Brown.
  • Billy Gillispie: Can you imagine? This would be absolutely perfect. BCG wouldn’t have to be a role model like he was supposed to be when he was coaching college kids. His weird smirk would fit right in in the NBA. I have heard there is a TON of Dr. Pepper in Cleveland. I do worry about what would happen if he were to sleep with a player’s girlfriend, though.

FWP: ’09 Memorial Day Weekend Edition

May 22, 2009

fwpFearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

It’s about 10AM on Friday morning as I begin to write this. Yes, I am at work. Yes, I am on the clock. No, I don’t care that I am stealing money. There, I’m glad we got that cleared up. I’d like to clear something else up as well. It is very fun to talk about recruiting rankings, especially now that UK is being talked about as having one of the great recruiting classes of all time, but they don’t a damn thing. The Fab Five from Michigan is hailed as the greatest recruiting class ever; how many NCAA Titles did they win? Zero. Isn’t that what it’s all about? The Fab Five were awesome and they revolutionized basketball, but they never won a title so why do we consider them so great? Let’s look at 2004, another great time for Kentucky recruiting. Tubby Smith (who is lambasted for his “poor” recruiting) landed the top class in the country according to Rivals.com‘s rankings. That class never got past the Elite Eight (which they did as freshmen) and was filled with turmoil the years they were there. Randolph Morris played the Hokey-Pokey (one foot in…one foot out) with the NBA before finally bolting for good and Rajon Rondo was percieved as selfish during his two years in Lexington. The two guys who made it all four years at UK, Joe Crawford and Ramel Bradley, were forced to play with lackluster talent after their classmates left for the league and struggled mightily their senior year with new coach Billy Gillispie after Smith left for Minnesota. I’m not trying to be a buzzkill and I think UK’s class this year is totally different, mainly because their won’t be a huge talent dropoff in next year’s recruiting class, but let’s keep our expectations tempered UK fans. Enough with the ranting, let’s do this…

  • jillnuggetsThe Lakers will lose two games in Denver. LA is in big, big trouble. They struggled with a Houston team that didn’t have its stars and have been outplayed the first two games against Denver. I know I’m not the first person to say to say this, but their point guard play is awful. Derek Fisher is a shell of the guy who was there earlier this decade. He is absolutely killing them right now. And, somehow, the Nuggets are outplaying them in every facet of the game. Where did the Nuggets come from? I have no idea, but I feel like they’re here to stay… at least for this year.
  • The Mets will get humiliated in Boston. The Mets cannot score runs anymore. Jose Reyes and Carlos Delgado both get hurt and the runs stop going on the board; it’s not a coincedence. Now, they have to go play an AL team that puts up runs in its sleep. I’m sure Santana will be a stud tonight, but expect the Red Sox to put up about 746 runs on Saturday and Sunday. Things were great when the Mets went 16-4 over a 20 game stretch, things could get really ugly soon.
  • People will talk about hockey? I have this sneaking suspiscion that ESPN will soon be airing hockey again. They have led SportsCenter with it in the last couple weeks, on the same night as good NBA Playoff games. The WWL is slowly trying to drum up interest again in a bad product. Hockey sucks and Southerners don’t care about it. Please, spare us all.
  • laylakiffinLane Kiffin will commit a minor NCAA infraction. I can’t say exactly what it will be this time. Will it be an inappropriate tweet? Will he call out another SEC coach? Will he Superman some ho? Who knows? The only thing I know is that my UT friends are hoping his bark is like his bite… or just that the Vols win some football games this fall. Sidenote: his wife is still smoking hot.
  • Jake Peavy will not want to come to your city. Think about if you are Jake Peavy. You are 28 years old, you are a millionaire and you live in San Diego. You are living the dream about as well as anyone can live the dream. Why in the hell would you want to move to Chicago, especially if you have to play for crazy ass Ozzie Guillen? You would stay in San Diego unless some team came with a hell of a deal and was definitely going to contend for the World Series.
  • LeBron will tell his teammates to stop standing around. What the heck happened the other night? The Cavs were clicking for the first half, kicking absolute ass in the first half; the next thing you know, the Magic have chipped away at the lead and end up winning. Their offense was stagnant at best for the entire second half, though. It was awful, and LeBron looked pretty frustrated. I would hope that Mike Brown, who is an inept thief the NBA’s Coach of the Year, would be able to get things figured out. The Cavs win the next two games… easily.
  • The Indy 500 will run. Is there a less relevant sport in the USA right now than Indy racing? Hell, I would watch hockey over this crap. But, it will be all over your TV on Sunday afternoon. Enjoy!
  • calipariJohn Calipari will come to your BBQ, shake hands, kiss babies and still not sleep with your girlfriend. This guy is almost invincible and he’s yet to coach a game. He convinced the #1 PG/player in the country to come to UK after he’d already gotten the #3 PG to come (yeah, I know I’m going against my rant above), he sends out about 15 tweets a day to his 75,000+ followers and seems to be a genuine guy. All this comes before he coaches a game. Wait until he finds out what happens when he loses to Gardner-Webb.

Yes! Weekend! Long weekend! Pools opening! Go have the greatest weekend and always remember to be better.

FWP: I’ve Missed You All

May 15, 2009

fwpFearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

I guess it’s been a while since I did one of these bad boys (that’s what she said). I think I did FWP last in March, the month before April – the month that Keeneland is open. Keeneland was absolutely insane, 30,000+ people were there the last two Saturdays which makes the place almost not that fun. Of course, saying Keeneland isn’t fun would be like saying a date with Smoothron isn’t fun; and if I had been on a date in the last six months, I’m sure the nice, young, cougar would tell you I’m huge… I mean great. There has been a lot of stuff going on in the last month or so that we need to catch up on. The baseball season has gotten in full swing, a certain basketball coach has begun tweeting the day away, the NBA Playoffs are as good as they’ve been in my lifetime, the NHL Playoffs are trying to be relevant but can’t and we’re in the middle of the Triple Crown. To mark my return, this could be the longest FWP of all time. Fasten your safety belts, ladies. Yep…

  • vanessabryantKobe Bryant will come out with an epic performance in Game 7. After last night’s stinkbomb, isn’t another thrashing in the cards for the Lakers? The Rockets can’t play well two games in a row, no matter how much we all want to see a team that has lost Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming beat the best team in the Western Conference. Also, can you imagine how pissed the NBA would be if Houston played Denver in the Conference Finals? Goodbye ratings! Oh well, Lakers win big. Vanessa Bryant approves almost as much as we approve of her… and her forgiving heart.
  • TGC and EDay will come to fisticuffs. Oakland and Detroit only play twice during the regular season and the MLB chose the weekend that EDay and TGC would be out of town with big internet questions. MLBTV may not be in the cards for one of the biggest weekends of the season for my two compadres and that makes me said… until I remember they’re playing 72 holes of golf this weekend. Then, I want to vomit.
  • Kasey Kahne will win the All-Star NASCAR dealio Saturday night. I opened up the NASCAR website and he was the first person I saw. I have no reason to believe he will do anything well this weekend, mainly because NASCAR has regressed more than any sport in these tough economic times. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I haven’t heard anything about car racing this spring. Come on, rednecks, show your support and give NASCAR some more cash! Also, I don’t think Kahne has a hot significant other, no picture.
  • MariaVerchenovaaria Verchenova will begin her reign to rule the world. How to rule the world in three easy steps: 1) Be born attractive. 2) Be good enough at golf to move the hell out of Russia. 3) Date Smoothron. Check, check and… almost check. Apparently, everyone just found out about Maria and we should expect nothing less than the Kournikova/Sharapova/Williams Sisters  treatment. You’ll probably all be sick of her soon enough, as Mrs. Smoothron and I grow old together.
  • The Celtics will win their second Game 7 of the 2009 Playoffs. It’s absolutely remarkable that the Celtics will end up playing 28 games in two rounds in two years of playoffs. I’m almost sure that last sentence made sense too. The Magic are just losers, plain and simple. No player on that team has ever won anything memorable in their entire career. Hell, their coach won an NBA Title and then was run off by his players. Good effort, Orlando, now go back to being irrelevant. Please.
  • Brett Favre, Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez and Michael Phelps. I don’t have anything to say here, but I bet you every dollar I have ever made you hear at least two of these names this weekend.
  • The New York Mets will not give Johan Santana any run support. The guy has lost two games this year. He has given up zero (0) (that looks like a boob, haha) earned runs in those two losses. You’ve got to be kidding me. I understand batters seeing their starting pitcher throwing darts and not going their hardest, but my gosh, the guy has lost two games and done nothing wrong! Be better, hitters.
  • JT will win Survivor. What? No one watches this show anymore? Well, it still sucks me in every f*#&ing time. This season was actually pretty good, oh who am I kidding, no one cares.
  • Friesan Fire will win the Preakness. He may have run 18th (out of 19) in the Derby, but this is still a champion horse. My buddy, Ludt, wouldn’t run him if it weren’t a real possibility that he could win. That’s at least what I will tell myself when I’m with all the other scum bastards at the Drive-Thru Betting line tomorrow.
  • ukcheerleaderJohn Calipari will tweet you, but not sleep with your girlfriend. Wow, I didn’t think I’d say that last part about a UK Basketball coach so soon. But, Calipari has come to Lexington and absolutely taken over the city and state. He’s on Twitter giving people motivation, he’s recruiting the #1 class in America, he’s getting Patrick Patterson to come back to school and he’s trying to take over China. He’s a hell of a guy in my book. It also helps me feel better that if I ever date again, the coach of my favorite basketball team won’t try and rail my special lady.

Enjoy your weekend, people. Whether you’re playing golf, coaching basketball or killing your liver… make it the best it can be. Sorry, all of Calipari’s motivational tweets must have gotten into me there.

Can This Actually Be Happening?

April 16, 2009
Brady...Harbaugh...Grbac...Henne...This Guy?

Brady...Harbaugh...Grbac...Henne...This Guy?

Irony hates me.  It absolutely wants to watch me squirm and burn in hell.  When all of you were ripping on Greg Paulus for the last four years while he flopped around Duke, I was trying to take the high road.  “He’s the type of guy you hate to watch play for someone else, but if he were on your team you would absolutely love him… He’s a coach’s dream.”  Yeah, whoops.  ESPN relays this quote,

“There has been an opportunity given there,” Paulus said Thursday morning on a conference call with reporters. “I thought it was a really good visit. It was really helpful to get to be on a campus and meet with coach [Rich] Rodriguez and see the system and understand what types of opportunities are out there.”

Now, as a Michigan Football fan, I am forced to come to grips with myself.  Can I actually root for this tiny bastard?  Hmm… do the numbers 3-9 mean anything to you?  Look, if the guy can win the Wolverines some more games, I could care less how many times he was getting dunked on in Cameron Indoor.  And as hard as it is to say, the guy is a hell of a leader.  He has played on some of the lesser Duke teams, but that’s still not an easy job to have.  Then, when forced into a backup role midway through this past season, he took his demotion gracefully.  So, I guess I’ll support the little guy.  What the hell else do Michigan fans have to lose?  10 games in a season?

[ESPN]

FWP: What My Cousin’s Friend’s Brother’s Nephew Heard Edition

March 27, 2009

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Sorry about last week.  I’m sure you didn’t miss me.  You were probably at your favorite sports bar just like I was all Friday long.  I would loved to have pulled the laptop (labtop) out at BW’s and write this, but our waitress was smoking hot and I felt I would have ruined my chance if I’d done that (I didn’t get her number).  Anyway, we’re knee deep in the NCAA Tournament and if you live in Central KY, you couldn’t care less about the games.  There is a soap opera going on with your favorite basketball team and you need to know what’s going on.  Thankfully, this may all be coming to an end.  I doubt this will stretch out too much longer.  I would say Billy G will be gone by the end of today (Friday).  While we’re here, let me weigh in on this mess real quick.  First off, Gillispie deserves another year at least.  The product on the court hasn’t been good enough and he’s made an ass out of himself and the program, but people are given second, third and fourth chances all the time.  But, I am also glad that my favorite team doesn’t stand for mediocrity.  A first-round exit from the NCAA Tournament and an NIT bid are not good enough for UK Basketball.  0-2 against Louisville isn’t good enough.  2-2 against Florida isn’t good enough.  2-2 against Vanderbilt isn’t good enough.  3-1 against Tennessee isn’t good enough… okay, maybe that is, but I had to get the shot in.  The bottom line is, UK has tradition and the administration wants things to be better.  You can lose, but if you are a great guy you might keep your job.  You can win and be an asshole and possibly keep your job.  You cannot lose and be a social enigma.

Mercifully, the good Lord has provided us with sports to take our minds off of this disaster.  Twelve NCAA teams will become four, Tiger is playing good golf right before the Masters, baseball spring training hits the home stretch and NASCAR is at Martinsville.  I’m at work, pretending to work… let’s see how long this can be.

  • You will develop a Pavlovian response to the sound of your phone vibrating on your desk.  Okay, maybe that one is just me.  Seriously, today is one of those days where you can never get too many, “You heard anything yet?” texts.  I am more the fan of the fake text.  If you send something like, “BREAKING NEWS: Gillispie out!  Adolph Rupp to coach next season,” you can usually get a rile out of people.  Plus, the Baron appreciates your thoughts on a day like this.
  • louisville-girlLouisville will walk to the Final Four.  How can they be stopped?  T-Will, Edgar (and the guy who paints his hair on everyday), Samardo and Earl see a title in their future.  Ricky Pitino is the best coach in the country and will out-wit both Russ Pennell and Bill Self.  It’s time to start thinking about a party on 4th Street.  Oh, sorry, there’s always a party on 4th Street.
  • New York Mets fans will hate the World Baseball Classic.  Seriously, Oliver Perez?  Get better.  You got way too much money this offseason to start pussing out now.
  • Missouri will press UCONN into a loss and admitting recruiting violations.  No coach in the country can make himself more money next year than Mike Anderson of Mizzou.  Premier jobs are open and the further he goes, the more cheddar he can rake in.  Georgia?  He doesn’t need your Georgia job.  He can start thinking about Arizona with a win in Phoenix over the Huskies.  UConn is finally distracted by the recruiting violation allegations and Hasheem Thabeet looks too slow in the 40 minutes of Hell.
  • whitneyportDenny Hamlin will win the NASCAR race.  He’s won at Martinsville a lot in the past (at least that’s what NASCAR.com told me).  Normally, I would pick a driver who has some hot girl associated with them.  A quick Google search didn’t lend that to me with Hamlin.  In that case, I’ll put up a picture of a smoking hot celebrity I’ve been thinking about lately.  Hmm… how about you, Whitney Port?  Sure, your reality show made me want to take a baseball bat to my nuts, but you are still smoking hot.  Denny Hamlin, do better with the ladies.
  • Villanova will beat Pittsburgh for the second time this year.  Levance Fields isn’t healthy enough to stay with ‘Nova’s guards.  DeJuan Blair looks like he’s just getting tired and Sam Young isn’t elevating like he once did.  Jay Wright’s team is playing really well as of late.  They absolutely locked Duke up last night and looked very efficient on offense.  Villanova marches on.
  • TIGER! TIGER! TIGER!!!   I would not want to be  a professional golfer right now.  The best golfer in the world has been back for a month or so and is just getting really good.  Hmm… that’s odd, the first major of the year is a couple weeks away.  Tiger has always known he would be getting very good around this point.  There should be no doubt in anyone’s mind that he can win the Masters in two weeks.  You heard it here first… or some other time after first.
  • Gonzaga will get to their first Final Four.  It’s time for the Zags.  The build up has happened for too long.  Ten years ago, they were on the cusp of the Final Four, and this is the year they get there.  Mark Few is poised to upset UNC again and will sneak past Syracuse in the Elite Eight.  Congrats to Spokane, WA; success couldn’t happen to a more irrelevant place.
  • kygirlsBilly Gillispie will get fired, then sleep with your girlfriend one last time.  Honestly, I’m feeling a tinge of sadness.   A little over a year ago, FWP started with a recurring joke about BCG railing your girlfriend.  Somehow, it stuck the whole time.  I really hope Gillispie nothing but the best.  He’s a hell of a basketball coach and was put in a very tough situation.  I think if either UK or Gillispie had known what they were getting into, they would have politely declined.  But, sometimes you have to be a man and take what’s handed to you.  Gillispie will find work soon, and probably very good and wealthy work.  Godspeed, Coach… but, on your way out of town, leave some blonde girls for us.

Yeah, weekend!  Be safe, watch sports and get ready for that extra $13 a week Obama is giving you!

UPDATE!  This was found on WKYT.com briefly.  It it now no longer there.  Take it for what you will.

coach-cal

Cinderella Will Miss the Ball

March 23, 2009

Random thoughts from the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament…

  • TP_262134_CASS_acc11_12Not sure where you stand on this, but I love the fact that all #1, #2 and #3 teams have made it to the round of 16.  The media loves to hype “Cinderella stories,” I like watching good basketball teams play.  Honestly, would you want to watch LSU or UNC play Gonzaga?  Unless you live in Baton Rouge, you say UNC.  UNC is better and more fun to watch. 
  • I’m really glad that Jim Calhoun is okay after his one-night stay in the hospital.  But, is anyone really surprised that a guy, who is rumored to be a guy who likes to have a vodka tonic or ten, was put in the hospital for dehydration?  Come on, Coach, you have to keep a Gatorade by your bed when you pass out… I mean go to sleep.
  • BobWicket sent me two texts on Thursday.  One was, “Vision. Roy boy goes down.”  Of course, he was talking about UNC’s Roy Williams.  Of course, Roy Boy and UNC won by about 40.  The second was, “I’ll bet a thousand Calhoun does not win today.”  Even though Jim Calhoun wasn’t there for the Huskies’ game, he is credited for the win.  I’ll take that $1000 whenever.
  • My favorite big man in the country, Brian Williams, took a charge on Friday against Oklahoma State.  It was the third charge he had taken in the last four games.  He is 6’10” and weighs about 275 lbs.  If he keeps that kind of Charge Per Game ratio next year, he’ll be like a black Shane Battier.
  • asucheerleaderArizona State may have only made it to the second round of The Dance, but if you saw their cheerleaders you know that every male at ASU wins every day when they go to class.
  • There was a 90 minute stretch on Friday afternoon where there was no game on at all.  Sixteen games were played on Friday and not one was played from 5:30-7PM.  If I hadn’t already drank 58 beers by that point, I would have been more upset.
  • If you wake up on Friday evening in your bed, with a mattress on top of you (and slept that way for a while), you’ve had one hell of a day so far.  If you still find a way to go out afterwards, you are a man amongst boys.
  • Ty Lawson’s toe looked okay in the 2nd half of the UNC/LSU game on Saturday.  Also, the SEC was as bad as most pundits said it was.
  • For any of you all who don’t live in Kentucky, you don’t know the magic of the Sweet 16 (KY’s basketball state tournament, in which there are no classes).  2SL, BobWicket and I all went down to Rupp on Saturday morning for the semifinals.  None of the four schools that played on Saturday morning come from “big schools” and it was still a magical event.  15,000 people were in Rupp watching kids play their asses off all for the chance to win THE state championship.  If there were six state championships awarded, it wouldn’t be as special.  By the way, Covington Holmes won it all on Saturday night in a double overtime thriller against Louisville Central in the best championship game played in the last five years.
  • Duke, amazingly, still gets the benefit of the doubt on 50-50 calls.  Scheyer looked to be out of bounds when he threw that crazy behind-the-back pass.  Then, the loose ball foul call was just inane.  Granted, if UT had rebounded the basketball, they would have had a shot to tie it, but they got hosed nonetheless.
  • In the past two seasons, Western Kentucky has 3 wins in the NCAA Tournament.  UK has 0.
  • Pitt giving up 49 points in the first half to Oklahoma State yesterday was about as likely to happen as TGC remembering anything after 8PM on Friday night.
  • For anyone that cares, Bru is leading the APIAS Bracket Challenge.  BobW is third, yours truly is 6th and TGC is 7th… of 7.
  • katymixon1Finally, the funniest show on TV, Eastbound & Down had its season finale last night.  First off, it sucked that the season was only six episodes.  Hopefully, HBO was just trying to see if the show caught on before they put a lot of resources into the show.  Everyone I know who has watched it has loved it, so hopefully they’ll have a full slate of shows next time around.  My main point has to do with the opening scene in last night’s finale.  Those were absolutely not Katy Mixon’s boobies.  As sexy as she is and as glorious as those boobies were, there was a reason they didn’t show a face with the boobies.  But, let me repeat again.  Katy Mixon is sexy and those boobies (whoever’s they were) were fantastic.

FWP: Never to be Seen in Tampa Again Edition

March 13, 2009

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Hooray!  It’s Conference Tournament Championship weekend!  The Big Six Conferences will all crown their champions by 6PM on Sunday and then Seth Davis will be able to rip apart every team in the NCAA Tournament except for Duke (he’s sure they’re going to make a big run this year).  I like to look at this weekend as just a warmup for next.  Hell, I worked yesterday and am writing this from work right now.  If you think I’m going to work next Thursday or Friday, you must be as drunk as I’m going to be in about six hours.  Thank Mitch for the interweb, though, as I was able to listen to the Cats take down the Rebels yesterday.  Hopefully, I’ll be out of this place soon enough and can stop getting paid to blog (unintentionally).  This is a great weekend for all those who like to talk shit about things that don’t really matter.  Sure, Kansas, Oklahoma, Connecticut and Pittsburgh all got knocked out of their conference tournaments before ever winning a game.  Does that hold any weight at all?  Aren’t all of those teams still going to the Dance?  Even with those losses, it wouldn’t be a shock to see any of them in the Final Four.  Conference tournaments for BCS schools are all about money and are superfluous at best.  Is it fun to watch some good games?  Sure!  Can you tell me who won the 2006 Big XII Tourney (without checking out Wiki)?  I didn’t think so.  Watch the games, but don’t get your hopes up or down because of how well your team plays.

While this may be a basketball-heavy weekend, Round 2 of the WBC gets going, Tiger is golfing again and we all gear up for the only day of the year where drinking green beer would be encouraged.  Yep…

  • osugirls1Oklahoma State will win the Big XII Tournament; Lexington, KY will explode.  It’s no secret that UK fans are less than pleased with Coach Billy Gillispie right now.  The crazed fanbase is ready to hire anyone with UK ties (Pat Riley’s name has been mentioned which is just inane).  What do you know?  Travis Ford coaches the Oklahoma State Cowboys who just beat a top 10 team!  If you don’t think coaching for a job in Lexington is motivating enough for Ford, you were never at Redmon’s on Thursday nights when Ford coached at Eastern Kentucky.
  • Wake Forest will win the ACC Tournament.  They are definitely the most athletic team in the conference with Ty Lawson out for UNC.  Duke is obviously a bunch of whiny bitches who don’t have the cajones to play well three days in a row.  Lawson’s injury will be too much for UNC to overcome (have you seen Larry Drew II play PG for them…yikes!) and Roy-Boy will not want to get anyone hurt already knowing he has a #1 seed locked up.
  • The Netherlands will fall back to reality when it comes to baseball.  Look, it was a hell of a run.  No one not named Fjord thought they could beat the Domincans (twice!) to make it from Pool D to Pool 2 (See what they did there?  Lettered Pools to Numbered Pools.  Nice.), but the run ends at Pool 2.  The USA and Venezuela emerge from the almighty Pool 2 to take on Japan and Korea in Pool Triangle… or something like that.
  • asugirlsNo one will know the Pac-10 Tournament is actually going on, but Arizona State will win anyway.  How bad is basketball out West this year?  The Pac-10 has two teams in the top 15 and they both suck.  They just happened to have beaten all the really bad teams out West to move up the rankings.  Ugh, moving on.
  • Few will be awake to see Wisconsin win the Big 10 Tournament.  Oh, sorry, I just woke back up.  I accidentally turned on the Michigan St./Minnesota game.  The game clock read 3:35 left to play and the score was 27-26, so I guess it was the 2nd half.  Bo Ryan is the best coach in the conference and will find a way to get his team into the Dance.  Raise your hand if you like defense!  Actually, put both hands up, it’s better for your defensive stance.
  • Tiger Woods!!! Wooooo!!!!  The sound of schoolgirls yelping was actually that of golf executives when they heard El Tigre would be playing this weekend.  Sadly, he’s tied for 40th right now and I’m pretty sure that doesn’t put him in the final pairing on Sunday.  Bru still owes me his car.
  • Villanova will beat West Virginia in the Big East Championship game.  Louisville is over-hyped and Syracuse will be dead tonight so both will lose.  Jay Wright is a hell of a coach, Bob Huggins is a hell of a drinker; Wright wins on Saturday night because Huggins will be thirsty.  Real quick tangent, just because a basketball game is long does not mean it is great.  If a baseball game goes 20 innings, do people call it the greatest game ever?  No, because you usually see pitchers that are terrible and would never play in any other circumstance.  Thus, in a basketball game, you see players making plays they would never make because they are exhausted and have no energy.  They are not playing at a high level and the quality of the game goes down.  UK/Duke is still the greatest game ever played and Syracuse/UConn might crack the top 15.  Tangent… out!
  • lsugirlLSU will win the SEC Tournament and then Billy Gillispie will sleep with your girlfriend.  Look, everyone knows every team in the SEC has flaws.  Kentucky is inconsistent.  Florida doesn’t have consistent inside play.  Tennessee’s guards couldn’t guard me.  LSU lost twice last week.  South Carolina has Devan Downey and… I can’t think of anyone else on their team.  Mississippi State is coached by Rick Stansbury.  Auburn is coached by Jeff Lebo.  Alabama’s coach is afraid to yell at the refs because his mommy might get mad.  LSU won more games all year, so hell, I’ll take them to win it.  Also, ladies, watch out, this could be BCG’s last SEC Tourney.  He’ll be looking to go out with a bang!  Get it, “bang?”

Okay, I’m at work at UK/LSU is about to start.  I better start getting sick in a hurry so I can get the hell out of here.  Have a fabulous weekend you beautiful bastards.