Archive for the ‘Douchebaggery’ Category

A summer plea for college sports

July 6, 2009

Nobody needs to see this

I thought I’d take a quick look around this morning to see how college sports blogs are handling the dry “boys of summer” months.

How’d it go?  Er, make your own calls.

Take a look at Rocky Top Talk’s Jimmy Clausen fashion exposé… if you dare.

Over at EDSBS, examined are the merits of Ben Franklin, The Kool Aid Man, Fried Chicken, Evil Knievel, coitus with old ladies, and Raising Arizona.  Yeah, I don’t know either, but it made me feel a little more patriotic than I was before I read it.

We Want the Lion takes a look at tailgating games, so that you may be more prepared the next time you go to Lowe’s (and with plenty of notice no less).  Washers, Ladder Golf, and (our favorite) Cornhole are covered.  All of which can be built in your garage with PVC, 2×4’s, plywood and elbow grease.  If you are the type of pretentious jerk that buys them pre-made, steer clear of our tailgates this fall or risk wearing the residuals of a Jack & Coke on your Lacoste shirt and croakies.

I’ll keep looking around the web in search of College Sports news for you guys as we plug through the humidity and dial in to August.

Happy 6th of July, all.  May your weekend hangovers end promptly before dinner tonight.  And let’s all pray the hillbillies a block down from me have finally extinguished their 2009 firework allotment so I can watch baseball outdoors in peace tonight.  Assholes.

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Out-Duked by Ronald on a Tuesday

April 21, 2009

Usually when we find and share stories around here, they are somehow sports related.  For instance, the story from ESPN.com today about Elijah Dukes (yes that one) getting $500 from a local Washington-area Little League for an appearance in which he signed a few autographs, watched a parade, and jetted. 

Not interesting?  Okay, well he ended up being late to the game, was fined $500 and suspended by manager Manny Acta. 

Still not interesting?  Well, the Little League he was visiting PAID HIS FINE FOR HIM! 

They held a fundraiser.  Of course they did.  After all, Dukes is only making $415,500 this year (ESPN).  What a guy.  Makes me wonder how a guy like that could ever threatened his wife and kids, or impregnate a 17-year old on his grandmother’s couch and throw a Gatorade bottle at her. 

As good as that story is today, I actually have one to top it.  Follow along after the jump for the headline of the week.

(more…)

Opening Week: Best and Worst, episode 2

April 15, 2009

Best Math: Yahoo! Sports’ Jeff Passan.  According to Passan, the Cleveland Indians have hit the “Panic Number.”  Which is 1-6.  Which is technically two numbers. 

See why we call 1-6 the Panic Number?

It gets uglier when looking at the full seasons of the wild-card era. Since 1996, only three teams have finished above .500 after starting 1-6: the ’04, ’06 and ’07 Phillies, who seem to have a knack for reversing ugly starts.

It’s an interesting read.  Check it out.

Worst season opening scheduling:  Detroit.  The Tigers are in the midst of a 6-game 1pm start time streak, to be followed by 10pm, 9pm, 4pm (Sunday) and then three more 10pm games.  What’s a guy got to do to watch the Tigers on the back porch after work and not be up til 3am?  Sheesh.

Best Relief Pitcher-Hitter:  Nick Swisher.  In the throws of a 15-5 rout by the Rays, Swish pitched a scoreless 8th inning for the Yanks (oh, and homered).  He’s also hitting .458 with 4 dingers so far on the year.  And Eday had a beer with his dad in 2006.  What a guy!

Worst Relief Pitcher Hitter: Gabe Kapler.  Struck out against the first non-pitcher to throw in a game since Wade Boggs did it in 1997 (also for the Yankees).

Best APIAS homers surprise:  BobWicket’s Reds.  They’ve looked good and they are above .500.  Those two things haven’t been said in the same season since 2005.  I love the makeup of this team, now if only Dusty B would play more small ball.

Worst APIAS disappointment:  TIE Smooth’s Metropolitans and 2SL’s Cubbies.  The Mets have struggled in the close ones (3-4 overall), but the pitching is coming around and Johan is going to be fantastic.  The Cubs didn’t go undefeated.

Best Week Ever Ever:  Patrick Schuster. All Schuster did last week was throw 3 no-hitters.  No shit.  THREE NO HITTERS!  And his coach couldn’t be less enthused.  “He’s on a roll and he’s got confidence in every pitch he’s throwing right now,” Mitchell head coach Scot Wilcox said of his ace. “That’s why we’re seeing so much success out of him.”  Yeah, and I guess Scarlett Johanssen isn’t the ugliest girl in the bar tonight.  Schuster is a University of Florida signee, but something tells me he might not make it to Gainesville.

NOTE:  MLB has forced the takedown of all Youtube video of Nick Swisher pitching.  I’m thinking Steinbrenner had something to do with that…

UT Hoops: They’re serious this time

March 12, 2009

wayne_chism_ernie1

Just as I was starting to wonder what the premier men’s basketball team in my home state was up to the night before their ’09 SEC Tourney debut, the all-knowing folks at Raycom Sports showed me.

The team is, as they should be, scouting the ‘Bama-Vandy game.

But are they representing my beloved alma mater with class and respect?  Of course.

Only Wayne Chism would know where to buy a Sesame Street “Ernie” hat.   Though, I’m still not sure if that’s better or worse than the yarmulke headband.

Oh dear.  Glad to see they’re taking it seriously this year.

Feel free to open up your weekend schedules, Vol fans.

Again.

Not pictured, Josh Tabb with 2 cell phones hanging from his left wrist and Bobby Maze in 4 gold chains and a do-rag. I’m serious.

SEC-ret no more! Cats’ foes crying wolf… again

March 12, 2009
I tried to told ya!

I tried to told ya!

Lookout Tampa! The Cats are on the loose, doing what they do better than anyone (to the tune of more than triple the number of championships as the next highest school).  Not to mention that the Lexington crew has the best setup of all (1pm games all week, and UF, UT, and Auburn all in the other bracket). 

Mississippi State is steadily dismantling the leftovers of the Felton crew, which will put this Cowboy 2-for-2 in the tourney.  Tonight’s winners will be Alabama and Florida, if you want to get your bets in.

But overall… I’m saying Lookout Central-Westernish Florida!  Billy’s on the hunt!

Somebody’s mixing some kool-aid and I know who it is and what color it is. 

Don’t be left out in the rain, holding the bag, with egg on something.

… steers and racism? That can’t be right.

February 5, 2009

I expected this from Ole Miss… not a Travis Ford coached Oklahoma State.

From last nights Ok State vs. Texas Tech game.  Nobody thought to mention anything when they waved him through the gate, into the student section, and then down to the 3rd row? 

Then again, Ed Gallagher and Henry Iba always were pro-free speech.

bface1

Lloyd Blows McMahon

January 6, 2009

FWP: It’s Festivus Time in the City

December 19, 2008

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

It’s a beautiful night at the APIAS.net headquarters.  From the lineage of Frank Costanza, we will celebrate Festivus tonight and it is guaranteed to be glorious.  Put all of us (minus Bru) in a room with some ladies and our friends and 300 beers… what could go wrong?  But, that isn’t to say that the sports world can be forgotten while we air our grievances (“I got a lot of problems with you people!”) and display feats of strength (“Festivus is not over until somebody pins me!”).  If you don’t know the story of Festivus, I have a few suggestions: 1) Watch Seinfeld, it’s a really good show. 2) Watch the video below, it’s worth your time.

 I, for one, will be keeping an eye on the TV tonight during the holiday with two great NBA games on.  If you haven’t heard yet, the NBA is back.  Remember when you were a kid and loved watching Jordan, Barkley and (young) Shaq?  Yeah, tune in and watch Kobe, LeBron, Dwight Howard and Steve Blake.  Okay, maybe not the last guy, but the NBA has become very watch-able again, so quit being the “It’s-not-good-basketball” guy.  Along with NBA, there is a full slate of college hoops, a bunch of huge NFL games, one hilarious name and a bad prediction on a terrible television show.  On to the prognosticating…

  • Seven year-olds all over the state of Kentucky will laugh and laugh during the UK game.  I’ve got this sort-of nephew.  You know, when your friends have kids and you become a sort-of uncle to them?  Well, Zeke is the man and is seven.  He also thinks words like ‘butt’ are really funny.  He’s in luck tomorrow as Appy State brings Ike Butts to town as their starting center.  Seriously, though, Butts… that’s funny.
  • barryoStrangely, no one will talk about this picture.  Barack Obama… smoking a fatty… in a picture… in TIME Magazine… and this isn’t a national news story??  I hate getting political on our kind of sports blog, but seriously?  If there were a picture of George W. in the same room as a joint, it would be on the cover of every newspaper in the country.  This must be the first step to “change.”
  • Eric Devendorf will have some time to hang out, if you’re interested.  TGC’s Big East Player of the Year pick has been suspended indefinitely by Syracuse.  I, for one, am not shocked.  How the hell was he kicked out of school and still playing anyway?  Oh well, enjoy the time off.  Maybe he can start calling some teams in Austria… they don’t care if you beat your wife in Austria, right?
  • The Titans and Panthers will win their respective conferences.  Have we not learned yet?  Talk about how bad a team has gotten or how they’ve peaked and they will inexplicably play well.  Well, that means the Titans are about to beat the Steelers by twenty.  Also, the Giants are done (yes, I see the irony).  They may be playing without their two best offensive players against the hottest team in the NFL and they teetering on the edge of becoming UK 2001-02 (Team Turmoil).  By the way, Roger Goodell, in every way possible, will NEVER let a Tennessee/Carolina Super Bowl happen.
  • College football will return!  Who cares if it’s Wake and Navy playing for the second time this year?  College football is back, baby! 
  • erinandrewspinkErin Andrews will be working.  She was supposed to be my date for tonight’s festivities, but, sadly, she’s working.  Can you believe she would be working an NHL game on a Friday night?  I didn’t think so either.  But, apparently, she was desperately needed at the last minute and couldn’t make it.  Crazy, especially since ESPN doesn’t show the NHL anymore.  Oh well, my girlfriend is still so hot.
  • Mark Teixeira will sign with the Red Sox.  I love how John Henry came out and said the BoSox were out of the Mark T. stakes.  Who couldn’t see that as a ploy?  “No, Mark, sorry, we just can’t afford you.  Have fun playing for the NATIONALS for the next decade, though!”  Sure, he’s from there, but who wants to live in DC?  There are like four homeless people for people with homes.
  • Vol fans will have a great weekend.  First, they’re probably going to get another football commitment before the basketball game tomorrow.  Then, they’ll beat the crap out of Belmont.  Then, get another 4-star recruit.  Lane Kiffin was a terrible hire, wasn’t he John Clay?  Oh, no, you’re just a terrible writer.  Glad we got that settled.
  • The Celtics will win and win… and if they played again, they would probably win that one too.  Seriously, Rondo is really really good.  Supposedly, the talk in Boston is if Rondo is better than Ray Allen.  Who cares, they’re all good.  And to think, they have one of the five worst coaches in the league, imagine what they would do with someone like…. me at the helm.
  • You better hope this isn't your girl.
    You better hope this isn’t your girl.

    Billy Gillispie will dodge the App State bullet, then sleep with your girlfriend.

      Yes, I’m well aware.  My two favorite teams in the whole world are Kentucky Basketball and Michigan Football.  The parallels between the two programs right now are eerily similar, but that’s for another day.  Everyone knows what happened last football season in the Big House and it just won’t happen tomorrow.  The biggest laugh the Mountaineer crowd will enjoy will be when “Butts” is said during the starting line-ups (and that’s because everyone who goes to ASU is a pothead).  UK should win easily and coast into their showdown with their Jan. 4th meeting with Earl Clark, I mean Louisville.  Also, if you live in Louisville, hide your girlfriend… you know who will be lurking in the darkness.

That will do, people.  Have a hell of a weekend, seriously.  We’re going to have the best Festivus any of us could ever dream of.  Next FWP won’t be until after Hanukkah has started, after Christmas has passed and on the day of Kwanzaa, so happy holidays.  Also, one last time, buy your friend/spouse/mistress/lover/aunt/all of the above some TOMS Shoes.  Every pair that you buy means a kid in Africa gets a pair of shoes they desperately need!  Hell of a cause, really.  Be safe, drink a beer and HAPPY FESTIVUS!

Kiffin Commentary; week three

December 16, 2008
Raiders Cable Football

My tiny jewelry is driving me crazy!

We’re another week into the Kiffin regime on the Hill, and things are continuing to materialize with recruiting decisions, fan reactions, a budding rivalry between the Vols and Raiders (heh, yeah) and a grandfather generally accepted as a defensive genius donning PMS 151 in 2009.

First, on the recruiting front, the Vols “planted the first stake” in the fence around Tennessee getting a commitment from DB Eric Gordon out of Nashville.

“His visit to my house was big,” said Gordon, who was the offensive MVP of the BlueCross Bowl. “We talked about school, plays and what I would learn at UT. He said I’m definitely a cornerback there, but he would love to get the ball in my hands at slot receiver or running reverses. And I could definitely return kicks.”

#2 overall Running Back Jarvis Giles chose a school, South Carolina.  Says Giles, “Tennessee just didn’t feel like the place for me any longer.”  I’m betting #1 overall RB and Vol commit David Oku didn’t mind much.

As I mentioned before, a chief instrument in the development of the Tampa 2 defense (which is widely used across the NFL these days), and good ole dad to Coach, Monte Kiffin informed Jon Gruden that he’ll be leaving the Bucs to join the Vols staff at the end of the season.  Gruden isn’t thrilled to be losing his D-Coordinator, but is handling  the loss of a coach immensely better than interim head coach of the Raders, Tom Cable. 

Kiffin hired away O-Line coach James Cregg, who notified Cable and Al Davis that he’s heading to Knoxville this week, and not after the season.  Like most things in the Raider organization, this news created another (standard) EVERYBODY PANIC!!

“I’m pissed,” Cable said. “That’s the best way to put it. Quite frankly, that’s the only way I can put it.

“You got to understand offensive linemen. This is our world. If I can speak freely here, it’s about pride, it’s about commitment, it’s about trusting everybody next to you. So, to walk your (expletive) out of here is about as bad a deal as you could possibly do to that group of guys.”

No comment yet from Al Davis, but then again, he may not be awake yet.  Or have taken his pills.

Will this end with the once-proud Raiders refusing to take NFL-eligible Volunteers in future drafts?  We can only hope.

More on Kiffin Commentary next week.

[Tennesseean] [USA Today] [SF Gate]

FWP: Oh Hell Yes, FWP Has Returned

December 5, 2008

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Seeing as I prophesied this would return in December, I figured I ought to actually make sure it happened.  There are going to be some tweaks and changes to make this better, though.  Remember the first season of Friends?  It was pretty good; Matthew Perry was pre-drug/fat funny, David Schwimmer was self deprecating and Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox were both really hot (and coincedentally both banging Adam Duritz, but that’s for a different time).  The writers of the show knew they had something good going, but certainly there was something they could do to make sure the show had staying power… just… what was it??  BINGO!  Make sure every Cox’s and Aniston’s nipples were visible through whatever shirt they might be wearing.  Perfection.  Nine years later, they were all millionaires.  And to think, it was all because they took off their bras.  Well, you asked for it and you can have it!  I will do my damnedest to have more hot ladies in FWP.  It may be a difficult task, but I will try.  I’m here for you people, I have heard your demands and I will come through.  Along with the ladies, this is a great weekend to start back!  Conference championships in college football highlight the weekend, and then possibly the biggest game of the NFL season, college and NBA hoops, the MLB hot stove cooking up something big (Boo, I know) and a guy who some think finally got what he deserved.  Hell, this could be 10,000 words by the time we’re all said and done.  Okay, I won’t make you suffer that long.  On to the prognosticating…

  • North Carolina will keep hearing hyperbole… and deserve it.  Seriously, this is the best college basketball team I’ve seen since UK in ’96.  They are DAMN good.  Keep in mind, they are dominating every team they play, including an absolute ass whipping of Michigan State the other night in Detroit.  Oh yeah, they’re doing this all after losing a 5-star player in their second game (STILL NOT A DIRTY PLAY, BRU!).  They’re real.
  • jessicasimpsonNot even Jessica Simpson will be able to save the Cowboys.  The Cowboys don’t exactly have great mental toughness.  Their leaders are guys like TO, Tank Johnson and The Marshmallow Man Wade Phillips.  Tony Romo has looked pretty good since returning from injury, but hell, Brad Johnson was his replacement.  How could he not have looked good?  The Steelers D is #1 against the run AND the pass.  Dallas’ starting RB may or may not have broken his toe last week, their QB is recovering from a broken pinkie and their best TE has broken ribs.  Enjoy, fellas!  Steelers by ten.
  • OJ Simpson will meet a new girlfriend… in jail.  Whoops!  Yeah, I’m sure that whole other trial thing didn’t play a part in this verdict.  Nope.  Not one bit at all.  Hey, at least he’s got someone else to murder now.
  • Rajon Rondo will continue to dominate NBA games.  In return, redneck UK fans will place blame in one of two places: 1) Tubby Smith!  Of course they will.  “Tubby couldn’t coach him!  Look at him now!  He’s the best player on the best team in that NBA League!”  2) Rajon Rondo.  “He used the University of Kentucky!  He didn’t give two shits about us when he played here!”  Those are actual quotes from made-up relatives of mine in Western KY.
  • UK Football fans will not be happy.  Seriously, Nashville on New Years last year was a hell of a time.  Memphis on New Years means this man is WAY too scared of Memphis to ever go there.
  • elishacuthbertSean Avery will continue to be awesome.  Hell, I don’t know anything about the guy except for this video.  That is classic stuff.  Let’s also mention, he’s talking about the lovely Elisha Cuthbert.  Apparently, after her and I broke up, she got a thing for hockey players.  Go figure.  Anyway, instead of suspending Avery indefinitely, the NHL should have given him a statue for increasing their relativity level above SlamBall’s.
  • The Yankees and Red Sox will take a fat guy to dinner… and he doesn’t want to play for either of them!  CC Sabathia is supposedly being courted by both teams this weekend before the owners’ meetings next weekend.  Sure, money isn’t an object to either of them, but I bet the dude will make those meals count.  He made his cash in September of last year, like he cares about his weight anymore.  Has anyone seen a picture of him since the season?  Didn’t think so.  Vegas set the O/U on his weight at 300lbs and I gladly put $100 on the over.
  • Lacey will finally get kicked off of Rock of Love Charm School.  What?  You don’t watch?  No one does?  Um… awkward… um… let’s move on.
  • A conference championship football game will be played and you won’t be able to name 10 players… and I’m not even talking about the MAC game tonight.  Seriously, name 10 players in the ACC Champioship game without looking it up.  Hmm… Tyrod Taylor.  Sean Glennon.  Macho Harris.  Yeah, I’m done.  The ACC sucks.
  • Billy Gillispie will have two games and two big nights sleeping with your girlfriend.  Gosh, it had been so long since I got to write about BCG sleeping with people’s girlfriends.  It felt so good.  It felt like when you go on a trip and you can’t… Whoops.  I thought I was writing for my sex blog a story about a guy I used to know.  Anyway, the Cats play two games this weekend.  One is of little importance (Mississippi Valley State) and the other is big (Miami).  They need to win both.  Especially since they don’t play a game of significance for another month.  Watch out, though, don’t get slapped!
  • A little close there, douchebag.

    A little close there, douchebag.

    Nick Saban’s deal with the Devil will finally run out.

      I can’t put this any other way:  Florida is going to kick Alabama’s ass.  It’s going to be awesome.  Bama’s freshmen will finally look like freshmen (except for Julio Jones, who is actually 37 years old).  Florida will be so much faster than the Tide, whether Harvin plays or not.  Just believe me on this one.  Give the ten points.  There’s a reason all the hardcore gamblers move the spread from 8.5 to 10 in an hour; they know something.  Believe them.  Believe me.  If it doesn’t work out, I’ll stop giving gambling advice.  Okay, the last part isn’t true.  You know why else UF is going to win?  Because Erin Andrews went there!  Wow.  Wow.  Wow.

There you go, folks.  First one back is over and done with.  I know, it was a little rusty (that’s what she said… and kind of weirded me out).  Not to get all whatever on you, but if you’re looking for Christmas/Channukah/Kwanzaa/Festivus gifts, you should check out TOMS Shoes.  In brief, when you buy a pair of shoes, a kid in a country who needs shoes also gets a pair.  At least go watch the video.  Soapbox over.  Have a hell of a weekend, drink beer and watch sports.