Sandwich Pickem Scramble Week 5: has anyone seen my Elliott Smith record?

The king’s crossing was the main attraction
Dominoes falling in a chain reaction
A scraping subject ruled by fear
Told me whiskey works better than beer

It’s been that kind of week.  As Eric once told me, a “lonesome highway kinda sound” kinda week.  A coming-to-terms kind of moment.  A moment of clarity.  Recognition.  Sheer sheer sadness.  I could only, of course, be talking about football.

But as with many things in life, football always promises life anew.  A new week.  A new season.  A new (cough) coach?

Anyway, let’s take a quick look at the standings.  Eday is plowing everybody but Holly.  Holly is plowing everybody else.  And WordPress® still won’t let me hightlight, copy, or paste into a goddam widget, so the standings will be all out of sorts on the right until i get unlazy.

Kyle King for DawgSports.com has bowed out of the competition.  We’ve replaced him with Super Monday regular Sir Richard Claverhouse Jebb, one of the wittiest Irish bastards we ever had the pleasure to discuss major league baseball with. (Yeah, it was odd to us that a thick black Irish like Sir Richard was an MLB fan, but his knowledge was quite impressive, so now we’ll see how he does in CFB.)  We set his points even with PB’s who was in last going into the week (although I still think we might owe him a week’s reprieve after, you know, trying to avoid a hurricane).  More on that later.

Big thanks to E for managing this piece while I was pluggin’ toward the River.

On to this week’s games!

 AWAYERS

 HOMERS

This week’s best from the Aristocracy:

UConn @ Louisville
Louisville – I still contend that UCONN could be more competitive in football if they let the basketball team be their offense.  Can you imagine throwing the Hail Mary to Hasheem Thabeet?  Two words: UN STOPPABLE. – Smooth
Louisville, and every inner city kid in kentucky, over Connecticut. – Sir Richard
UConn over Lville: In a Big East battle of epic proportions that may very well solve the economic crisis and lead Kim Jong Il and Hugo Chavez to a flaming gay marriage. – Burnsy
UConn, because they’ve got a player blogging who’s made my entire day and whom I now want to adopt.  http://lunn65.blogspot.com/  -Holly
That Subway diet must really work.  Lorenzen is looking pretty slim. -BW
Look for a breakout game for Derrick Caracter before he is kicked off the team at halftime – Bru
Lucky Louisville doesn’t lose at PJS. -eDay

Virginia @ Duke
I’ve picked Duke football two weeks in a row now. Clearly, the world is ending – Bru
Coach Cut.  -Holly
Duke, and I can’t believe I’m picking Duke in football….EVER!- The W
Virginia – On the contrary, Duke’s basketball team may make their football team more competitive, but that’s still putting too many white guys on the field. – Smooth
I’m going out on a limb. With Cavaliers getting dismissed left and right, this is Duke’s year to pull the upset. – xp
Virginia over Duke: Does anyone honestly care?
Really Virginia?? Underdog to Duke? -BW (Ed. finally the day when the Football and Lacrosse lines are exactly the same)

Fresno St @ UCLA
It’s like the United Colors of Bennetton, but with trash instead of casual wear. Fresno State?  I guess?  -Holly
UCLA’s abhorrent abortion repeats again at home. -eDay
Fresno State – The Olly girls from Sunset Tan called and said they would be at the game.  I, too, will now be at the game. – Smooth
Fresno State will beat the guys who beat the Vols – Sir Richard
Fresno State over UCLA: Rick Neuheisel is currently looking for any bowl pools, NCAA Tourney pools or swimming pools that he could clean for you to make some extra money before his ass is fired. – Burnsy
Fresno State, because California is like home to them. -BW
I could make a witty remark about how the only team UCLA can beat is Tennessee…but I’ll take the high road – Bru (Ed. )

 

  Houston @ ECU
The East Carolina juggernaut rolls on – xp
The Pirates continue their march to an undefeated…I mean 1-loss…season – Bru
East Carolina – Welcome back to reality, Skip.  You’ll have to downgrade from the hot girls on campus to the sort-of-hot-I-guess-if-I-have-three-more-beers-I-could-talk-myself-into-it types. – Smooth
ECU over Houston: Yeah, this must be the most important CUSA game of the week. – Burnsy

Purdue @ Notre Dame
Purdue puts up points on poor, poor Irishmen. -eDay
Notre Dame – Rumor is, Charlie Weis shaves his FUPA… bald. – Smooth
My favorite Dr. Wheeler quote of all time:  “You should know what a Boilermaker is, son.  You consumed enough of them before entering my classroom.”  Purdue.-Holly
Purdue. The Biolermaker and Steely McBeam ride off into the sunset for a gay union meeting – xp
Purdue – Bet your life on this one. -BW
Purdue will rape NBC – Sir Richard
Purdue over Notre Dame: Pound for pound, Charlie Weis is still the worst F-ing college coach alive. – Burnsy
I will never pick Notre Dame. Ever. Purdue wins this game by 300+ points – Bru

Arkansas @ Texas
Longhorns, baby. It’s a burnt orange time of year. – xp
I wonder if anyone will mention Petrino quitting jobs? – TGC
Texas – This could get ugly.  I’m talking Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend ugly. – Smooth
Texas, big.  Hook ’em.
Texas over Arkansas: Can’t name a player for either team – Burnsy
Texas – Unless Bobby Petrino decides to resign before the game. -BW
After last week’s blowout loss, isn’t it about time for Bobby Petrino to quit and find a new job? – Bru

Colorado St @ Cal
Are the hippies still in the trees? Cal by a dreadlock – xp
I have nothing to say here. I think a Cal-CSU college football matchup speaks for itself – Bru
California – Jeff Tedford and Kirk Ferentz are in a great battle for the title of, “Coach who everyone loves for big-time jobs, but I still can’t figure out why.” – Smooth
Cal over Col St: Ditto.
Cal – Although I like Col St. helmets better. -BW

Alabama @ Georgia
Sabanism is winning converts. Bama wins – xp
Satan slides in to assist Saban steal one from Slobbers. -eDay
Both of these teams would bear the Bengals…easily – Bru
Georgia – Hopefully their jerseys will be clean at game time. -BW
Ugh, I’d rather pick Tennessee-Auburn.  Georgia?  On the strength of seeing Knowshon’s latest trapezeless flight with my own eyes.  -Holly
Georgia – This is the game that makes UK fans really wonder if they can compete in the SEC.  Bama beat Arkansas’ ass and UGA should do about the same to Bama. – Smooth
‘Bama over Georgia: And so begins the Winter of my Saban discontent. – Burnsy

Va Tech @ Nebraska
Ugh, I hate the Huskers, but they will win. – xp
This might be the most random game I’ve ever seen – Bru
Nebraska, the site of my latest Yahoo column, for which I could use the press.  -Holly  (Ed. Not sure if this is “press” per se, but always glad to help.)
Nebraska, although it’s hard to choose disappointment over mediocrity.- The W
How can you hate Huskers over Hokies? -eDay
Nebraska – What’s the Over/Under on this game?  10?  12? – Smooth
Nebraska over VT: Somewhere Bill Callahan likes to think he loosened the lid on the pickle jar. Then the grocery manager told him to get back to stocking those pickle jars. – Burnsy

Stanford @ Washington
Has Holly done the Stanford tailgate scene yet? No? Then Washington wins. – xp
Wiley Willingham wins by one. -eDay
Despite single-handedly triggering the downfall of civilization, causing gas prices to rise, and murdering orphans in his spare time, Ty Willingham has his team ready for this one – Bru
Stanford over Washington: I’m not comfortable in the least having this many picks in common with Burnsy. – Spanklin
Washington – Maybe when Willingham gets fired this year, Charlie Weis can go to Washington and get his fat ass brains beaten in their too. – Smooth
Stanford – Because Captain Comeback says so…and you don’t argue with that man. -BW 
Stanford, in the weekly coin toss game. (heads won)- The W