Archive for the ‘Old Balls’ Category

Not Available at U-Idaho

June 16, 2009
callme

Booster money well spent.

Okay, so this is fun for hours.  I’ve already sent the call to everyone on the crew, so now I feel comfortable publishing it for your harassment/usage.

Thanks Holly!

Update: after you do it you’re gonna wanna see these, EDSBS.

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Geriatric hoopster ruled ineligible

February 20, 2009
Photo credit: News-Sentinel

Photo credit: News-Sentinel

An NJCAA school in East Tennessee must forfeit its last game due to the use of an ineligible player.  I’m not sure which is more troubling, that a JuCo has eligibility rules, or that the player in question is 73 years old.

Ken Mink has been on the Roane State Community College team for just this one season, but his career spans over a half-century when he was kicked off the Lees Junior College team in 1956 for (allegedly) shaving-creaming the coach’s office.

The latest bout of controversy is due to a failing grade in Spanish and the attempt to make up the credits at online Strayer University.  But alas, his exploits were revealed, and thus endeth his dream of trading sweat with young African-American males everyday at 3pm.

Just goes to show you, once a trouble-maker, always a trouble-maker.

By the way, did anyone know JuCo’s had academic review boards? 

Learn something every day.

[Knoxville News-Sentinel]

Dennis Ray Boyd would like 15 minutes of your time

February 17, 2009
Boyd keeping in shape with his training partner.

Boyd keeping in shape with his training partner.

If any of you are as big a baseball fan as I am, that name started spinning wheels in your head, and in a few moments, you realized who it is.  The Oil Can.   While Oil Can Boyd would be an interesting focus for a “Whatever happened to that guy?” column, he’s about to make it unneccessary.

The Can is shopping his 49 year old arm around to all MLB teams this spring training. 

Yes, the man who once uttered “That’s what they get for building a park on the ocean,” after having a game postponed at a foggy Cleveland Municipal Stadium, is looking for a new deal.

He’s claiming Satchel Paige as motivation for this endeavor.  I’m betting boredom and senility are somewhere in the top 5 though.

“I wasn’t on the field, started gaining weight. All of a sudden, my arm has healed. The arm strength is there and it’s there consistently. The more I throw, the better it feels.”

If there’s a GM out there willing to take a flier on this, and there may well be, I’m betting his name rhymes with Silly Dean.

Got any more room on the DL?

Oh dear.

[Fox]

Thursday timekillers

January 15, 2009
Image of Bru's car via edsbs.com

Image of Bru's car via edsbs.com

Not much going on in the world of sports today (or this week really).  Have some good clean fun with yourself below.

Bom Bom Bom Bom Wooooo!

Chattanooga Football (with a TO sighting, and probably the coolest–and longest–self-running flash window around) [LWS]

Will Forte on the BCS [With Leather]

A dog that walks like people walk

And of course, Van On Fire!

TAGMAT!: Let’s Just Start Making a List

September 11, 2008

TAGMAT (They are giving money away today!) is a weekly column done every week by APIAS.net’s resident gambling addict, Smoothron.  This site in no way advocates gambling, especially excessively.  Smoothron’s degenerate friend, who will refer to as Casino Bobby also gives you his picks for the week.  If we can tell you anything, bet against both of them and you should be able to retire within the first month of the season.

Well, that didn’t take long.  Throughout different gambling seasons, there are times to find a team that is good against the spread, and then there are teams/coaches you cannot bank on under any circumstance.  Last week, we found Gambling Enemy #1, in Sly Croom.  It didn’t take too long after that, to find #2.  My partner in kind-of-crime (depending on where you are), Casino Bobby, and I both absolutely loved West Virginia over East Carolina.  To me, it was the easiest bet of the weekend.  Vegas had overreacted to ECU’s beating of Virginia Tech the week before and West Virginia had the two best players on the field (Pat White and Noel Devine).  I was calling people, proclaiming West Virginia as the lock of the year (Sorry again, TGC, about that $9.86 gone out of your BetUS account).  Bill Stewart is going to run West Virginia into the ground faster than Bob Huggins will run his new Benz into a telephone pole after a long night in Morgantown.  Congratulations, Bill Stewart, you have joined an elite club of terrible football coaches that is sure to gain more members week by week.

It’s a fabulous week for college football.  Two historical top programs play each other when Michigan goes to Notre Dame, Georgia tries to make Spurrier be 0-2 in the SEC (already!!) and two of the best three coaches in the country face off.  Yes, Ohio State is going out to L.A. to play USC.  Not only do these teams both like beating the shit out of Michigan, but they also happen to be ranked in the top 5 in the country right now.  If there’s a big game like that, you can be sure that CB and I are taking opposite sides.  Jump along to win some straight cash, homey.

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TAGMAT!: Let’s At Least Learn Something

September 4, 2008

TAGMAT (They are giving money away today!) is a weekly column done every week by APIAS.net’s resident gambling addict, Smoothron.  This site in no way advocates gambling, especially excessively.  Smoothron’s degenerate friend, who will refer to as Casino Bobby also gives you his picks for the week.  If we can tell you anything, bet against both of them and you should be able to retire within the first month of the season.

Ahh, the tale of two weeks.  Casino Bobby gives you three winners and one outright loser.  I give you one winner and three outright losers.  If you’re actually investing in these picks, I hold nothing against you when you bet against me.  It actually makes a lot of sense at this point.  I thought perhaps after a nine-month sabbatical I could have at least won one week, alas it wasn’t to be.  The SEC goes 10-2 overall on the weekend, and somehow I pick the two losers of the weekend.  Unreal.

Well, as a good friend acquaintance of mine likes to say, “Back in the game!!!”  Am I going to let a poor Week 1 showing stop me?  Of course not.  The world is full of analogies filled with people bouncing back after a poor start.  I am not going to take the time to look them up right now, but you get the idea.  If anything, there has to be a lesson taken from a poor start.  The lesson, as always, is to NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES bet on Sly Croom.  I should have known better, but that’s a Week 1 mistake and one that I will not make again.  Now that we’ve all learned something, let’s jump along to the picks.

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Yo Linda! Bring me a beer!

July 8, 2008

Not sure how this would pan out around the Cowboy household–probably not well–but here’s to tryin’.

HT – LWS

FWP: An Extra Day to… Study?

May 23, 2008

fwp.jpgFearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

I guess I must first issue an apology.  Sorry for putting up an NSFW picture last week.  Actually, I’m not really sorry, Jessica Simpson is hot and that’s more nipple than I’ve seen in months.  I didn’t do so bad last week: Boston lost on the road, the Mets beat the Yankees (twice!), the NASCAR jinx remains steady and Billy G railed your girlfriend (who is now your ex-girlfriend).  Big Brown, however, was quite impressive in a “race” that was never a race.  We’ll get back to the cunt of a trainer named Rick Dutrow in a week or so, but this is a big weekend.  First off, it’s a national holiday on Monday, which means an extra day of drinking!  It also means more sports for all of us to enjoy.  NBA Conference Finals, tons of baseball, night racing in Charlotte and much more.  An extra long weekend calls for extra long FWP…

  • The Spurs will regroup and win in LA tonight.  I really just want the NBA Finals to be Detroit vs. San Antonio.  For one, I will be closer to winning my bet with BobWicket.  Secondly, David Stern might shit himself.  And thirdly, Brubaker (who has been doing such a fabulous job writing the NBA Playoff Banter with me, I think I owe him a reacharound) could possibly go on a tri-state killing spree if he sees the Spurs celebrating another Western Conference Championship.
  • Natalie Gulbis will win the Corning Classic.  You may be asking yourself, what is the Corning Classic?  Well, of course, it’s this weekend’s LPGA event!  This is an FWP first, jinxing LPGA members.  I’m pretty sure if you look to the right, you’ll be able to figure out why we chose to start this practice and why we chose Natalie Gulbis.  WOW.  (Thanks to humanitysucks.com for the picture.)  Ed. Note: Click image to.. er… enlarge
  • The Mets are going to fire Willie Randolph.  Things went really well after Billy Wagner’s Bluetooth-inspired rant last weekend.  Two wins over the Yankees had them second in the division behind the Marlins.  Four losses in Atlanta later, the Mets are a game under .500 and they’re playing in the launchpad known as Coors Field (it’s still called that, right?).  I hope Willie finds work again soon and lets go of all the racist shit.
  • Z Humor will win the Met Mile.  There are a couple reasons he’s going to win.  For one, he’s not trained by Rick Dutrow.  Two, he is owned by Ahmed Zayat.  Ahmed Zayat is one of the richest men in the world and when he wants something, he usually gets it.  You can’t rig the Kentucky Derby, the Met Mile is a little bit easier.
  • Dario Franchitti is going to win the Indy 500.  This, of course, has nothing to do with Dario.  Sure, he won the race last year, but that doesn’t matter.  What matters is that he’s married to top-five-in-the-world cougar, Ashley Judd.  Not only is Ashley (yeah, we’re on a first name basis) a cougar, but she’s also a University of Kentucky grad.  The Tony Delk, Nazr Mohammed and Scott Padgett rumors aside, she’s a fabulous looking woman.  Good luck, Dario!
  • Michael Beasley is going to sandbag his NBA Draft workouts.  Let’s analyze this.  He can spend the next three or four winters in Chicago (#1 pick) or Miami (#2 pick).  The average winter in Chicago has below zero temperatures, snow everywhere and girls wearing parkas.  Conversely, Miami has 80 degree days in January, warm beaches and girls in bikinis.  I can’t imagine where he would want to be.
  • Boston, Minnesota and Pittsburgh are all going down this weekend.  No, those aren’t the names of strippers at 2SL’s favorite strip club.  They are the unfortunate opponents of Oakland, Detroit and the Chicago Cubs, respectively.  Yes, I’m going out on a limb (and will probably get hit with it afterwards) and picking TGC’s, EDay’s and 2SL’s favorite teams to win this weekend.  You probably know TGC and EDay from this wonderful site.  2SL used to write for it until he got fired for drinking a beer.
  • Everybody wins at the 69th Senior PGA Championship!  Either everyone wins or no one wins.  See it’s funny because in 69, everyone wins.  But, it’s seniors, so no one wins.  You know, because they have old balls.
  • I am going to destroy ESPN.com.  Doesn’t everyone in the world know that I hate needles?  And they go and put a damn needle on their frontpage?  Bastards! 
  • Tony Stewart will win in Charlotte.  I have held off on T-Stew for a while, but seeing as he hasn’t won in a while, I figure the FWP jinx can’t hurt him any worse.  I’m not a big NASCAR guy, but Stewart seems like a guy I could drink some beers with.  I’d also like to drink a few beers with his sometimes girlfriend, Tara Roquemore.  Oh to be a gray sweater.
  • Boston will keep losing on the road.  Detroit is good and Rodney Stuckey is the next Dwyane Wade (just ask Jeff Van Gundy).  Boston has a ton of talent, but they have three stars who have never sniffed the NBA Finals and it’s not going to happen this year either.  The Big Three of Boston have always been losers, they are losers and they’re always going to be losers.  It’s something you’re born with, like being smooth.
  • Billy Gillispie will get you out of your commitment from USC and then sleep with your girlfriend.  I’m talking to you, Malik Story.  Per usual, Matt Jones of KSR is on the ball.  KSR is reporting Malik Story might be a possible Wildcat for the 2008 season.  The never crazy or blue-blinded commenters over there are now comparing Story to former Cat, Alex Legion.  I think everyone knows what happened there.  Malik, would you rather go to LA and bang Jenny McCarthy or have Coach G bang the Tri-Delt you start dating?  Screw it, I love sorority week in Lexington, too!  See you in Lexington!

There you have it, folks.  1000 words to get you through the weekend.  Live it up, watch some sports, remember those who let us have the freedoms like writing crazy shit on websites and dammit, have fun!

5 things you need to know about Louisville v. Tennessee

March 25, 2008

It’s no secret around here that I’m a Tennessee homer, and heck yeah I’m glad and proud that the Fightin’ Pearls are in the Sweet 16 (NCAA Seeding Conspiracy be damned).  But I’ll try my best to give you an impartial preview of, what most people agree, should be the most fascinating Sweet 16 matchup of this year’s tourney.

1. Matchup to watch: Tyler Smith v. Earl Clark.  The Cardinals’ imposing 6-10 presence in the lane will make it difficult on Tyler’s slashing and back-picking inside game.  In order for T-Smith to come close to his 14 ppg average, he’ll need plenty of help from Wayne Chism and Duke Crews to get open looks inside 15 feet, and avoiding the Cardinals’ patented post traps. 

Clark (16 ppg – 20 boards in the tourney so far) is no slouch on the offensive end either, and will run Smith around the baseline, working his above-average interior passing game with Terrence Williams and David Padgett.

2. Derrick Caracter is the X-factor.  For a guy who’s had quite the roller coaster career under Pitino, Caracter can make it all a memory by showing up against Tennessee.  He spent last fall tearing it up (averaging over 22 minutes and 16 points a game) but hasn’t seen the floor much since (zero games with 20+ minutes in 2008) and notched only 15 total points in Louisville’s first two rounds (both blowouts).

3-5 after the jump. (more…)

Ladies and Gents, your lone Cat voter, “Hoops”

March 11, 2008

 I’m sure you’ve all noticed that the new poll is out and sure enough, right there hanging around the bottom having received 3 points is an 18-11 Kentucky Wildcat squad.

This morning, between work smoke breaks and work NASCAR news, we thought we’d take the time to investigate for you where those 3 points came from… which guys are liking what they’re seeing out of the old Blue ‘n White?

Well, as it turns out, its only one dude, Dick Weiss (ballot here), and he voted the Cats #23 (which is 3 points).  Dick, among other things, is a basketball blogger for the New York Daily News.  From his bio:

Dick Weiss – better known as “Hoops” – has been covering college basketball for 40 years, and since 1993 for the NYDN. He is a past president of the College Football and Basketball Writers’ Associations and is a member of the USBWA college basketball writers’ Hall of Fame.

blog_header_weiss.gif

Well hell, he’s a freakin’ hall of famer!  And look at that hairpiece man!  No wonder he ended up nicknamed “Hoops.”

After a bit more research I was able to come across gems such as these on his blog:

We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves, but we think Kevin Willard of Iona is destined to be a hot commodity by this time next year.

Holy crap, a Yankee John Clay!

Okay folks, enough is enough.  In all sincerity, Kentucky fan, send your cards, letters, flowers and candy to: NY Daily News c/o “Hoops” Weiss, 450 W 33rd St, New York, NY 10001.

 And I’ll send mine to the 2 Pulitzer Prize winners who voted the Vols at #1:  Brett Jensen from CUTigers.com and Dan Wolken at the Memphis Commercial Appeal.  What’s that?  They don’t have Pulitzers?  Well they should.  Matter of fact, get one for Fran Fraschilla too!

[NY Daily News] [AP] [APIAS]