Here’s a quick peek at what APIAS writer’s are wondering this afternoon. Step into their brains for a moment.
TGC wonders, “will Tiger make a come back at the Open?” Well Mike Weir is eating Beth Page Black up with a 6 under 64 in his first round and Phil is one under. Tiger’s opening round +4 leaves him a lot of work but we’ve all seen the guy catch fire before and the playing conditions for his first round were not ideal. The magic eight ball says “outlook not likely” but we say don’t count that man out until Sunday comes and goes.
Smoothron ponders, “now that Kobe has finished off the Magic what will I do with my sports viewing time?” Well Smooth you’ll just have to tune in to the Metros games a bit more often. But with them sitting at 4-6 their last ten you might as well watch A’s games with myself because it’s going to be a long summer for us both if this continues.
eDay thinks to himself, “why are elephants scared of the National League?” That’s simple, the A’s are 8-3 against the AL in the month of June and 1-5 against the NL. The bats put up only 14 runs in 6 games on the NL road trip. That will not win you ball games no matter how good your young pitching is (only given up 27 in that time frame).
2SL would like to know, “how sweet are the beaches in San Diego and is Iowa really that boring?” Our fourth writer is about to hit the road for a couple weeks so you won’t be hearing from him much over that time. But to answer his questions, the beach in San Diego is about as awesome as the California burritos and I had a brother that lived in Cedar Rapids so yes, Iowa is that boring.
Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.
Well, it has been a few weeks. Last time we met was before Memorial Day weekend. Lots of things have happened since then. I went to Block Island, Rhode Island (which is about as modern as its website) for my cousin’s wedding. My cousin is an Irish-Jew and he married a Jamaican girl. They were both in the minority fraternity/sorority in college. Let’s just say the single, white females were NOT out in full force. And, of course the hottest one there caused me to have a major moral dilemma. But, I’m from Kentucky… and we’re not blood related… so, whatever. Then, last weekend, Bru’s sister got married at Keeneland. Yeah, you can guess what that was like. The great thing was the reception was in the same room that my friend, Regis, and I once went to the 2003 Taste of the Bluegrass. It was $75/plate and by “went to,” I mean we snuck in. Oh well, we had a great time. (Smoothron note: I had this great opening typed up until the internet crapped out on me. I don’t have the effort to re-write. Let me say again, she is NOT blood related.) Let’s do this…
Phil Mickelson will play golf and that is awesome. Look, I know I usually (try to) be funny or whatever on here. But, Mickelson is playing golf during a time when his family is going through a terrible time. We’re all praying that Amy Mickelson gets better soon and keeps being a cougar for many years to come.
Yankee fans and Met fans will brawl all weekend. Both teams just lost big series to their biggest division rivals. The Yankees haven’t beaten the Red Sox all year. The Mets are starting to look like the ’08 A’s with all the guys they’re putting on the DL. The Yankees new stadium is giving up more HRs than a 2SL prom date. Met fans are born angry. The economy is bad. El Nino is back. Yeah, it’s going to be a sight to see in NY this weekend. I almost wish I would have gone, but… nah.
Pete Carroll will be invincible. One coach has a former player that is accused of receiving over $300k while playing college athletics. Another coach gives a guy a thousand bucks. Who would you think would be let go (Yeah, I’m sure he “resigned”) first? Well, Tim Floyd lost his job this week and Pete Carroll will continue to be the face of USC. Good job, Tim Floyd! I would like to announce my candidacy for the next Head Coach at USC. I will not cheat, I will let Carroll be the BMOC and will lose 30 40 lbs. for the USC coeds.
Carrie Prejean will not have much to do. Oh, poor Carrie. She lost her Miss California crown this week, now what the hell is she supposed to do? I could think of a few things I would love to do with her. Anyways, let me ask one question. If you are gay (not that there’s anything wrong with it), do you really want Perez Hilton championing any cause you have? Seriously? That guy? Whatever, I will marry the former Miss California tomorrow.
Phish will rock at Bonnaroo. Yes, I love Phish. I really wanted to go to Bonnaroo, but there’s just something about not showering for four days that I can’t handle. I also really like my cell phone, my TV, my computer and my bed. I almost wish I would have gone, but… nah. (Also, don’t know if you like Phish or not, but this clip below is sick. Flat out nasty!)
The Nationwide Series will run in Kentucky. One would think that NASCAR and the Commonwealth of Kentucky would be a match made in heaven. Sadly, it isn’t so. I have a possible idea for why that is. Because I live in KY and haven’t heard anything about the race until today! Granted, I’m not the biggest NASCAR fan in the world, but you would think people would be abuzz talking about a race less than 90 minutes from my house. Nope, but everyone can sure tell you the two guys who are off the UK Basketball team as of yesterday (Matt Pilgrim and Kevin Galloway).
The Lakers won’t win the NBA Title. These predictions are just for the weekend, remember? Yes, the Magic will get one more win (even without Mickael Pietrus, the dirty Frenchy) on Sunday night. That will allow more money for ABC and the NBA and also allow the Lakers to celebrate their title in LA. We will then get to hear all the Kobe-lovers talk about how great he is. And he is great, but he’s still not (and never will be) Jordan. Let’s not forget, Kobe doesn’t have the signature shot in his career like MJ has about 15. Seriously, try and think of the greatest Kobe shot ever. Um… yeah. Now, think of the greatest MJ shot. Over Russell in ’98? Over Ehlo in ’89? Hell, you could even throw in the one from the ’82 NCAA Title game. Chew on that, Kobe-lovers.
There you go. I have been stealing money all day at work, so I better do something for the last hour or so that I’m here (yes, it’s 12:30PM as I type this). And, please remember, be better! (And, yes, I do realize that the ladies today are all blondes. I don’t discriminate. Especially to you… because, you know… we ARE NOT blood related. Thanks.)
Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.
It’s about 10AM on Friday morning as I begin to write this. Yes, I am at work. Yes, I am on the clock. No, I don’t care that I am stealing money. There, I’m glad we got that cleared up. I’d like to clear something else up as well. It is very fun to talk about recruiting rankings, especially now that UK is being talked about as having one of the great recruiting classes of all time, but they don’t a damn thing. The Fab Five from Michigan is hailed as the greatest recruiting class ever; how many NCAA Titles did they win? Zero. Isn’t that what it’s all about? The Fab Five were awesome and they revolutionized basketball, but they never won a title so why do we consider them so great? Let’s look at 2004, another great time for Kentucky recruiting. Tubby Smith (who is lambasted for his “poor” recruiting) landed the top class in the country according to Rivals.com‘s rankings. That class never got past the Elite Eight (which they did as freshmen) and was filled with turmoil the years they were there. Randolph Morris played the Hokey-Pokey (one foot in…one foot out) with the NBA before finally bolting for good and Rajon Rondo was percieved as selfish during his two years in Lexington. The two guys who made it all four years at UK, Joe Crawford and Ramel Bradley, were forced to play with lackluster talent after their classmates left for the league and struggled mightily their senior year with new coach Billy Gillispie after Smith left for Minnesota. I’m not trying to be a buzzkill and I think UK’s class this year is totally different, mainly because their won’t be a huge talent dropoff in next year’s recruiting class, but let’s keep our expectations tempered UK fans. Enough with the ranting, let’s do this…
The Lakers will lose two games in Denver. LA is in big, big trouble. They struggled with a Houston team that didn’t have its stars and have been outplayed the first two games against Denver. I know I’m not the first person to say to say this, but their point guard play is awful. Derek Fisher is a shell of the guy who was there earlier this decade. He is absolutely killing them right now. And, somehow, the Nuggets are outplaying them in every facet of the game. Where did the Nuggets come from? I have no idea, but I feel like they’re here to stay… at least for this year.
The Mets will get humiliated in Boston. The Mets cannot score runs anymore. Jose Reyes and Carlos Delgado both get hurt and the runs stop going on the board; it’s not a coincedence. Now, they have to go play an AL team that puts up runs in its sleep. I’m sure Santana will be a stud tonight, but expect the Red Sox to put up about 746 runs on Saturday and Sunday. Things were great when the Mets went 16-4 over a 20 game stretch, things could get really ugly soon.
People will talk about hockey? I have this sneaking suspiscion that ESPN will soon be airing hockey again. They have led SportsCenter with it in the last couple weeks, on the same night as good NBA Playoff games. The WWL is slowly trying to drum up interest again in a bad product. Hockey sucks and Southerners don’t care about it. Please, spare us all.
Lane Kiffin will commit a minor NCAA infraction. I can’t say exactly what it will be this time. Will it be an inappropriate tweet? Will he call out another SEC coach? Will he Superman some ho? Who knows? The only thing I know is that my UT friends are hoping his bark is like his bite… or just that the Vols win some football games this fall. Sidenote: his wife is still smoking hot.
Jake Peavy will not want to come to your city. Think about if you are Jake Peavy. You are 28 years old, you are a millionaire and you live in San Diego. You are living the dream about as well as anyone can live the dream. Why in the hell would you want to move to Chicago, especially if you have to play for crazy ass Ozzie Guillen? You would stay in San Diego unless some team came with a hell of a deal and was definitely going to contend for the World Series.
LeBron will tell his teammates to stop standing around. What the heck happened the other night? The Cavs were clicking for the first half, kicking absolute ass in the first half; the next thing you know, the Magic have chipped away at the lead and end up winning. Their offense was stagnant at best for the entire second half, though. It was awful, and LeBron looked pretty frustrated. I would hope that Mike Brown, who is an inept thief the NBA’s Coach of the Year, would be able to get things figured out. The Cavs win the next two games… easily.
The Indy 500 will run. Is there a less relevant sport in the USA right now than Indy racing? Hell, I would watch hockey over this crap. But, it will be all over your TV on Sunday afternoon. Enjoy!
John Calipari will come to your BBQ, shake hands, kiss babies and still not sleep with your girlfriend. This guy is almost invincible and he’s yet to coach a game. He convinced the #1 PG/player in the country to come to UK after he’d already gotten the #3 PG to come (yeah, I know I’m going against my rant above), he sends out about 15 tweets a day to his 75,000+ followers and seems to be a genuine guy. All this comes before he coaches a game. Wait until he finds out what happens when he loses to Gardner-Webb.
Yes! Weekend! Long weekend! Pools opening! Go have the greatest weekend and always remember to be better.
Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.
I guess it’s been a while since I did one of these bad boys (that’s what she said). I think I did FWP last in March, the month before April – the month that Keeneland is open. Keeneland was absolutely insane, 30,000+ people were there the last two Saturdays which makes the place almost not that fun. Of course, saying Keeneland isn’t fun would be like saying a date with Smoothron isn’t fun; and if I had been on a date in the last six months, I’m sure the nice, young, cougar would tell you I’m huge… I mean great. There has been a lot of stuff going on in the last month or so that we need to catch up on. The baseball season has gotten in full swing, a certain basketball coach has begun tweeting the day away, the NBA Playoffs are as good as they’ve been in my lifetime, the NHL Playoffs are trying to be relevant but can’t and we’re in the middle of the Triple Crown. To mark my return, this could be the longest FWP of all time. Fasten your safety belts, ladies. Yep…
Kobe Bryant will come out with an epic performance in Game 7. After last night’s stinkbomb, isn’t another thrashing in the cards for the Lakers? The Rockets can’t play well two games in a row, no matter how much we all want to see a team that has lost Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming beat the best team in the Western Conference. Also, can you imagine how pissed the NBA would be if Houston played Denver in the Conference Finals? Goodbye ratings! Oh well, Lakers win big. Vanessa Bryant approves almost as much as we approve of her… and her forgiving heart.
TGC and EDay will come to fisticuffs. Oakland and Detroit only play twice during the regular season and the MLB chose the weekend that EDay and TGC would be out of town with big internet questions. MLBTV may not be in the cards for one of the biggest weekends of the season for my two compadres and that makes me said… until I remember they’re playing 72 holes of golf this weekend. Then, I want to vomit.
Kasey Kahne will win the All-Star NASCAR dealio Saturday night. I opened up the NASCAR website and he was the first person I saw. I have no reason to believe he will do anything well this weekend, mainly because NASCAR has regressed more than any sport in these tough economic times. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I haven’t heard anything about car racing this spring. Come on, rednecks, show your support and give NASCAR some more cash! Also, I don’t think Kahne has a hot significant other, no picture.
aria Verchenova will begin her reign to rule the world. How to rule the world in three easy steps: 1) Be born attractive. 2) Be good enough at golf to move the hell out of Russia. 3) Date Smoothron. Check, check and… almost check. Apparently, everyone just found out about Maria and we should expect nothing less than the Kournikova/Sharapova/Williams Sisters treatment. You’ll probably all be sick of her soon enough, as Mrs. Smoothron and I grow old together.
The Celtics will win their second Game 7 of the 2009 Playoffs. It’s absolutely remarkable that the Celtics will end up playing 28 games in two rounds in two years of playoffs. I’m almost sure that last sentence made sense too. The Magic are just losers, plain and simple. No player on that team has ever won anything memorable in their entire career. Hell, their coach won an NBA Title and then was run off by his players. Good effort, Orlando, now go back to being irrelevant. Please.
Brett Favre, Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez and Michael Phelps. I don’t have anything to say here, but I bet you every dollar I have ever made you hear at least two of these names this weekend.
The New York Mets will not give Johan Santana any run support. The guy has lost two games this year. He has given up zero (0) (that looks like a boob, haha) earned runs in those two losses. You’ve got to be kidding me. I understand batters seeing their starting pitcher throwing darts and not going their hardest, but my gosh, the guy has lost two games and done nothing wrong! Be better, hitters.
JT will win Survivor. What? No one watches this show anymore? Well, it still sucks me in every f*#&ing time. This season was actually pretty good, oh who am I kidding, no one cares.
Friesan Fire will win the Preakness. He may have run 18th (out of 19) in the Derby, but this is still a champion horse. My buddy, Ludt, wouldn’t run him if it weren’t a real possibility that he could win. That’s at least what I will tell myself when I’m with all the other scum bastards at the Drive-Thru Betting line tomorrow.
John Calipari will tweet you, but not sleep with your girlfriend. Wow, I didn’t think I’d say that last part about a UK Basketball coach so soon. But, Calipari has come to Lexington and absolutely taken over the city and state. He’s on Twitter giving people motivation, he’s recruiting the #1 class in America, he’s getting Patrick Patterson to come back to school and he’s trying to take over China. He’s a hell of a guy in my book. It also helps me feel better that if I ever date again, the coach of my favorite basketball team won’t try and rail my special lady.
Enjoy your weekend, people. Whether you’re playing golf, coaching basketball or killing your liver… make it the best it can be. Sorry, all of Calipari’s motivational tweets must have gotten into me there.
All kinds of things are happening in the sports world friends. Some good basketball was played last night, some basketball odds went up, and lots of baseball was played. Let’s get with it.
The NCAA Men’s Championship Game last night was a joke. I watched approximately 5 minutes of both the first and second half and neither small window of viewing could keep me from flipping the old LCD back over to Component 1 and getting my Tiger Woods 08 on. There was only one exciting play in the entire duration of my viewing last night and that was when Raymar got smacked in his broken nose. I literally cringed when that happened, watched the aftermath, and promptly flicked it back to the Playstation.
With the laugher of a title game a distant memory, everyone can now turn their attention to next year’s NCAA season. I heard on the radio today that UNC and UK lead the early props betting lines in Vegas at 12:1 odss for making the Final Four. No one else is even 20:1 right now. That says a lot about Roy’s ability to keep UNC stocked (they could lose 5 guys to the NBA) and Coach Cal’s abilities to bring in talent and coach. I doubt he can turn UK around that fast, but I do appreciate the thought.
Baseball started yesterday and APIAS went 2-2. Our National League teams both won while the American League teams lost. The Tigers fought off the Toronto crowd (damned near literally) en route to a loss. Oakland’s new-look offense didn’t bother to leave Spring Training as the A’s were swept by the Angels. The Mets won a close one and the Cubs started their march to the 2009 World Series Championship behind a 4-2 win over Houston.
The only game I caught much of was the A’s game. It looked like the pitching emphasis from the spring as Dallas Braden hammered the strike zone early and often with a strike percentage around 70% and only one walk in Wuertz and Bailey both pitched perfect innings in relief but it wasn’t enough as the A’s were shut out.
That’ll wrap up Opening Day as frigid weather throughout the Midwest and East make talking about baseball almost strange. It feels like NFL season in these parts. Our favorite thing for today is pretty obvious: baseball Ray. As TGC likes to say it is the perfect game. You’re never out of the game until the final out is recorded and there’s nothing quite like a night or, even better, a day at the park. We’ll definitely be covering a lot of bat and ball sports this summer so stick around for road trips, live blogs that spring from the nether regions of a back porch, and plenty of bitching and complaining depending on how long it takes the Tigs and A’s to win a game. Until next time, stay warm and watch baseball. It’ll only be here for another 7 months folks.
Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.
Sorry about last week. I’m sure you didn’t miss me. You were probably at your favorite sports bar just like I was all Friday long. I would loved to have pulled the laptop (labtop) out at BW’s and write this, but our waitress was smoking hot and I felt I would have ruined my chance if I’d done that (I didn’t get her number). Anyway, we’re knee deep in the NCAA Tournament and if you live in Central KY, you couldn’t care less about the games. There is a soap opera going on with your favorite basketball team and you need to know what’s going on. Thankfully, this may all be coming to an end. I doubt this will stretch out too much longer. I would say Billy G will be gone by the end of today (Friday). While we’re here, let me weigh in on this mess real quick. First off, Gillispie deserves another year at least. The product on the court hasn’t been good enough and he’s made an ass out of himself and the program, but people are given second, third and fourth chances all the time. But, I am also glad that my favorite team doesn’t stand for mediocrity. A first-round exit from the NCAA Tournament and an NIT bid are not good enough for UK Basketball. 0-2 against Louisville isn’t good enough. 2-2 against Florida isn’t good enough. 2-2 against Vanderbilt isn’t good enough. 3-1 against Tennessee isn’t good enough… okay, maybe that is, but I had to get the shot in. The bottom line is, UK has tradition and the administration wants things to be better. You can lose, but if you are a great guy you might keep your job. You can win and be an asshole and possibly keep your job. You cannot lose and be a social enigma.
Mercifully, the good Lord has provided us with sports to take our minds off of this disaster. Twelve NCAA teams will become four, Tiger is playing good golf right before the Masters, baseball spring training hits the home stretch and NASCAR is at Martinsville. I’m at work, pretending to work… let’s see how long this can be.
You will develop a Pavlovian response to the sound of your phone vibrating on your desk. Okay, maybe that one is just me. Seriously, today is one of those days where you can never get too many, “You heard anything yet?” texts. I am more the fan of the fake text. If you send something like, “BREAKING NEWS: Gillispie out! Adolph Rupp to coach next season,” you can usually get a rile out of people. Plus, the Baron appreciates your thoughts on a day like this.
Louisville will walk to the Final Four. How can they be stopped? T-Will, Edgar (and the guy who paints his hair on everyday), Samardo and Earl see a title in their future. Ricky Pitino is the best coach in the country and will out-wit both Russ Pennell and Bill Self. It’s time to start thinking about a party on 4th Street. Oh, sorry, there’s always a party on 4th Street.
New York Mets fans will hate the World Baseball Classic. Seriously, Oliver Perez? Get better. You got way too much money this offseason to start pussing out now.
Missouri will press UCONN into a loss and admitting recruiting violations. No coach in the country can make himself more money next year than Mike Anderson of Mizzou. Premier jobs are open and the further he goes, the more cheddar he can rake in. Georgia? He doesn’t need your Georgia job. He can start thinking about Arizona with a win in Phoenix over the Huskies. UConn is finally distracted by the recruiting violation allegations and Hasheem Thabeet looks too slow in the 40 minutes of Hell.
Denny Hamlin will win the NASCAR race. He’s won at Martinsville a lot in the past (at least that’s what NASCAR.com told me). Normally, I would pick a driver who has some hot girl associated with them. A quick Google search didn’t lend that to me with Hamlin. In that case, I’ll put up a picture of a smoking hot celebrity I’ve been thinking about lately. Hmm… how about you, Whitney Port? Sure, your reality show made me want to take a baseball bat to my nuts, but you are still smoking hot. Denny Hamlin, do better with the ladies.
Villanova will beat Pittsburgh for the second time this year. Levance Fields isn’t healthy enough to stay with ‘Nova’s guards. DeJuan Blair looks like he’s just getting tired and Sam Young isn’t elevating like he once did. Jay Wright’s team is playing really well as of late. They absolutely locked Duke up last night and looked very efficient on offense. Villanova marches on.
TIGER! TIGER! TIGER!!! I would not want to be a professional golfer right now. The best golfer in the world has been back for a month or so and is just getting really good. Hmm… that’s odd, the first major of the year is a couple weeks away. Tiger has always known he would be getting very good around this point. There should be no doubt in anyone’s mind that he can win the Masters in two weeks. You heard it here first… or some other time after first.
Gonzaga will get to their first Final Four. It’s time for the Zags. The build up has happened for too long. Ten years ago, they were on the cusp of the Final Four, and this is the year they get there. Mark Few is poised to upset UNC again and will sneak past Syracuse in the Elite Eight. Congrats to Spokane, WA; success couldn’t happen to a more irrelevant place.
Billy Gillispie will get fired, then sleep with your girlfriend one last time. Honestly, I’m feeling a tinge of sadness. A little over a year ago, FWP started with a recurring joke about BCG railing your girlfriend. Somehow, it stuck the whole time. I really hope Gillispie nothing but the best. He’s a hell of a basketball coach and was put in a very tough situation. I think if either UK or Gillispie had known what they were getting into, they would have politely declined. But, sometimes you have to be a man and take what’s handed to you. Gillispie will find work soon, and probably very good and wealthy work. Godspeed, Coach… but, on your way out of town, leave some blonde girls for us.
Yeah, weekend! Be safe, watch sports and get ready for that extra $13 a week Obama is giving you!
UPDATE! This was found on WKYT.com briefly. It it now no longer there. Take it for what you will.
Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.
Oh, it’s that dreaded week with no football. The NFL, for some ridiculous reason, has a bye week between the conference championships and the Super Bowl. Why in the hell? I don’t think there is a good reason. Oh! But next year there will the Pro Bowl to fill our football needs! Whatever, the Pro Bowl won’t help the void then and nothing helps fill it now… not even the NHL All-Star game, which is Sunday for those who didn’t know. Oh, you don’t care? Yeah, neither does the rest of America. Hopefully a slate of college hoops, the dumbest discussion ever and the scent of baseball in the air will keep you occupied. Yeah, let’s do this.
Ana Ivanovic will not play tennis… and no one will be better for that. How pissed are you if you flew all the way to Australia to see this hot Serbian babe play tennis and then she gets ousted early? I wouldn’t be happy either. Let’s be honest, the only reason Ana is being mentioned (let alone tennis for that matter) here is because she is smoking hot. Take a look at the picture of the sexy Serb and then keep reading.
China will issue some crazy edict against its people. Remember when Yao used to blow the rest of the NBAers out of the water in all-star voting? It was never even close. Now, Dwight Howard is the leading vote getting receiving all-star of all time and Yao finished 6th on the ballot. This won’t go over well in the communist nation. And, hey, Yi Jianlian didn’t even get voted in!! There will be hell to pay, Chinese people!
The And1 tour will be broadcast on national television. Yes, Memphis is playing at Tennessee on CBS! Ooooh snap! See what I did there? They are both streetball teams, get it? More seriously, there will be a lot of athletes on the court for this one. More importantly though, is the matchup of Big Brian Williams and Pierre Henderson-Niles. There will be about 600 lbs. of man throwing itself around when those two get together. Memphis tries to play the revenge factor, but they just aren’t very good. Vols win another close one, 81-76.
You will probably go see The Wrestler. I won’t, but you probably will. I don’t like to let things like movies get in the way of my drinking, but apparently movies are what Americans do on weekend nights. Who would have known? Have they ever tried to drink 25 beers in a night? You can’t go see a movie and drink 25 beers! In other words, Marisa Tomei is in it and I have heard she has trouble keeping her clothes on in movies anymore. Hell, maybe I’ll go see it on Recovery Sunday.
The dumbest sports debate of the year will rage on. Waaaaaaaah!!! We got beat 100-0, please feel sorry for us! Please talk about us incessantly on sports talk radio. Please rip the coach of a winning team for letting his girls play when… that’s what they’re supposed to do. Take the quote of a mom on the LOSING team and publish it for the entire country to see, not that she would be biased or anything. Whatever, get the fuck over it. You suck at basketball.
Pitchers and catchers will start loosening up the arms. Watch out, baseball is just around the corner. You can see our cool counter to the right that tells you just how quick it’s coming. I’m going out on a limb and predicting a Tigers/A’s ALCS and a Mets/Cubs NLCS. The Mets will win the NL, of course, and whoever drinks more tonight between EDay and TGC can pick the winner of the AL. BASEBALL!!!
Billy Gillispie will come to your college town, beat your college basketball team, then sleep with your college girlfriend. The Cats play in Tuscaloosa and Oxford back-to-back, so you better turn up the brightness on your television sets. In other news, Ronald Steele has opted out of finishing his senior year at Alabama. His AARP benefits kicked in, so he figured he could go ahead and start seeing the world. Jodie gets 37, PatPat gets 22 and the Cats get 76. Sadly (if you are a Tide fan), Bama will only get 65. Also, I’m sure you’re really proud of that blonde girl you started dating last semester and it’s lasted all the way through second semester, but BCG is coming to town. I wouldn’t let her out of sight.
Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.
Happy New Year, APIAS enthusiasts! 2009 has arrived; and not much has really changed. I usually put some sort of build-up for the week in this spot, but things are going to be just a touch different. I had totally intended to write a “Smoothron’s Top 10 Moments that Had to do With Sports that I was a Part of,” post, but that never happened. And by part of, I mean watched… or saw or… whatever. Well, really quick, here’s a short list:
USA Basketball Team Gold Medal Game: Bru and I were more excited about this game than anything else that happened all year. I made the trek to NKY so we could watch together. Lots of beers, one hell of a game, some drunken tears shed after the game and seeing the sun rise. One hell of a night.
First Saturday of Keeneland Spring Meet -> Final Four Games: The whole APIAS crew was around for this one. We had the craziest tailgate of all time, won some cash at the track and later that night there might have been some basketball games on television. TGC, 2SL and I also participated in the greatest session of texting about a girl in the same room ever. 1984 UK Basketball sweatshirt is all I need to say.
Music City Bowl: Technically, this was the last day of 2007, but it was a LONG day of drinking which led to 2008. APIAS friend, Boski, and I made the trip to Nashville and met up with some people. We got $10 tickets from a homeless couple and never made the 4 mile trek up to our seats. After the game, all my friends bailed on me while I paid $40 to go into a shitty bar. The things I will do for college girls in hot pants… ahh, memories.
First Saturday of College Football: There was a 9AM breakfast for the ages, which only could have been better if someone had made some damn eggs! There was so much hope back then for all our teams. Maybe RichRod would have Michigan ready. Maybe Crompton was the answer for the Vols. Maybe Mike Hartline could pick up where Woodson left off. No, no and no. Anyways, there was a ton of beer consumed that first Saturday. The kitchen at APIAS headquarters looked like a damn war-zone afterwards.
BobWicket’s Bachelor Party: There was an NCAA Football 09 tournament, a golf outing, a cornhole tournament and 14 guys in their mid-twenties screaming at the television when Michael Phelps won his eighth (8TH!) gold medal. Add that to the 3,000 beers drank and the “Roast of BobWicket,” and this was an all-time weekend.
Enough of the looking back, it’s the first FWP of 2009! Let’s roll!
BCS or no BCS, the Song Girls are #1.
USC will deserve to be playing Florida next Thursday.
They were REALLY impressive last night against Penn State. The Trojans were dominant on both sides of the ball, even after Joe McKnight got hurt and was out for the better part of the game. All the bitching will never stop until there’s some sort of playoff, but USC and Florida are the two best teams in the country and should be playing instead of Oklahoma. Also, Song Girls.
The Celtics will make a terrible decision. Boston is supposedly looking into signing Stephon Marbury. How is this possible? Why would they want to do that? This guy has killed every locker room he’s ever been in, and now the best team in the league wants to sign him? He’s going to back up Rajon Rondo… and not bitch about it? Don’t they already have Sam Cassell to bitch about not playing? And, don’t give me the, “Their locker room is too strong to be broken, kind of like the Patriots with Randy Moss,” argument. Doc Rivers couldn’t wash Bill Belichick’s half sweater.
Mid-major football programs will be humiliated. First, Boise State lost their bid for a perfect run. Now, Alabama will lay the wood to Utah. I watched Utah play a few times this year and they definitely don’t have SEC speed. I expect Julio Jones to not be tackled tonight. Also, I watched Utah only beat Michigan by two points. Michigan wasn’t very good this year, hell, Toledo beat them by more than two. If this game isn’t within 4 TDs, I vote no non-BCS conference team can play in BCS games any longer. Agreed? Thanks.
Hooray, Anna!
Derek Lowe will wake up and sign with the Mets.
Hello, Derek? It’s me, Smoothron. I’d like to remind you that no one is really interested in you except for the Mets right now. Also, our country is in a serious recession and the $12 million bucks they are offering is ridiculous for our economy. Take the deal! Seriously, the Mets need you. If not, New York may have to go with Kris Benson again. Or, on second thought, if he brings wife Anna with him, that might not be so bad.
All four road teams will not win this weekend in the NFL. First of all, two rookie QBs aren’t winning on the road in the playoffs. So, the Cardinals and Dolphins are winners already. Secondly, Tarvaris Jackson is not winning a playoff game in the NFL no matter where they play it. The Eagles are winners. Lastly, Peyton Manning isn’t losing. You want to know why? Because I took him first overall in my postseason fantasy league. If you know me and my hatred of Manning, this is a big deal. The Colts are winners. Two road teams win, two don’t. Bet on those.
Tennessee will sneak out of Phog Fieldhouse with a win. It won’t be pretty, but Bruce and the boys will not lay another egg like they did a few weeks ago on a Saturday afternoon on ESPN. Kansas is down, but not terrible and will provide some trouble for UT, but they’ll be tough down the stretch and get a W. Life will be good, and TGC will be drunk. Everybody wins.
Kaley loves the Cats.
Billy Gillispie will beat the Cards, then sleep with your girlfriend.
It’s time for the biggest rivalry the Cats have. No offense to Florida or recently Tennessee, but Louisville is the biggest rival for UK. It will definitely not be easy for the Cats, now that the Cards are coming off an embarrassing home loss to UNLV. It’s never good to have to play a Pitino team after a bad loss. Practices after losses like that were staples when he was at UK. I still think UL was overrated to start the year (by the experts and myself) and they don’t play as a team. Edgar Sosa absolutely kills any offensive flow they have and will probably end up making Ricky P. bald. Cats get five-point win in the Ville. I hate the Ville and I think that’s a sentiment held by all of APIAS. Oh yeah, after the game, Billy G. will be ready to go. Hide your special lady!
There you have it. First one of 2009 and it felt a lot like 2008 and 2007. Did we even do this in 2007? Go out and continue celebrating the new year. The Cats play football in about 2.5 hours and I have a half of a keg left to drink. Cheers!
Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.
Well, FWP has returned after last week’s Season 2 debut (or something like that). Perhaps I was a little rusty and didn’t get everything just right as I might have liked. But, I kind of think it’s like sex. Wait, no, that’s not it. I don’t know what sex is like anymore. Let’s just say there has been a drought of Biblical proportions, because I haven’t known a female in the Biblical sense in a long, long time (pretty sure my eternal fate is set after that last sentence). Nonetheless, it wasn’t all bad. Florida covered against ‘Bama, Pittsburgh took care of Dallas and Billy G double-dipped (and I don’t mean basketball games). There is one thing missing from this weekend and if you can’t guess, it’s in the title. No college football! Okay, there are D3 playoffs or something, but I have a life and won’t be watching those. For the first time since the end of August, we won’t be able to wake up to Corso, Herbie and Fowler. There won’t be any, “I’m not going to work ever again if I hit this!” parlays. And sadly, you have to find another reason to justify that first beer at 10:27AM. Alas, there are plenty things to fill your weekend: NBA games, MLB signings, college hoops and putting off Christmas shopping. Plus, you get to hear twelve straight hours of Heisman speculation on Saturday instead of getting to watch actual games… sweet! On with the prognosticating:
Cole Hamels will hide in his house. What a dumbass. Is he trying to become more hated in New York than John Rocker? In an interview with an NY radio station, he called the Mets “choke artists.” Good call, Cole. People’s lives in New York aren’t screwed up enough, and now you want to piss them off even more? Whatever, you dug your own grave. (Note: yes, this pisses me off even more because, sadly, it’s true.)
The Cowboys will eke by the Giants in the “Drama Bowl.” Hey, guys, want some off-field shit to stir up your teams’ playoff chances? TO is essentially calling Romo and Witten gay. Brandon Jacobs isn’t playing. Plaxico is still being Plaxico. Wade Phillips is still the world’s highest paid cheerleader (TGC’s joke). Yeah, give the edge to the home team. Actually, give the edge to Mrs. Eli Manning, Abby McGrew. She looks like every other blonde at Ole Miss and I mean nothing bad when I say that. Hell of a job, Eli, hell of a job.
The Celtics will keep winning games. Do they have a chance at 70 wins? Sure they do. They play in a weak conference with only one other legitimate team in it, they have a loaded starting lineup and a decent enough bench and they have a great coach. WAIT A SECOND… one of those isn’t right. Doc Rivers still sucks. Who couldn’t win with Garnett, Pierce, Allen and Rondo? I took six white kids to the AAU National Tournament this summer and finished in the top 20. I’d like to see him do that!
Manny Ramirez will not retire. This isn’t even really a prediction, just a stated fact. Would you rather not take millions of dollars or take millions of dollars? Yeah, thought so. Sure, he might have to play for the Nationals, but it’s a ton of cash and money is money. He should just go play for the Mets. Please?
Colt McCoy will win the Heisman. Should he win? I sure as hell don’t think so, but he probably will. His stats were insane, he beat Bradford head-to-head and people don’t want to see Tebow win it twice. He’s also going to come back to Texas for his senior year, which is a huge mistake. He should go pro as soon as the Fiesta Bowl is over. The senior class for QBs is terrible and his stock couldn’t ever get higher. Remember Brian Brohm? Yeah, first pick to third round. Also, Colt’s girlfriend is very hot. (For the record, I DO think Tebow should win.)
Will Muschamp will have some questions to answer. First, he becomes the hottest name in the could-be-next coaching world. Second, Texas freaks out, gives him a ton of cash to be “Head Coach in Waiting.” Third, it is reported that he is going to be Auburn’s next head coach. Very interesting, Senor Muschamp. I think the whole “Head Coach in Waiting” is a crock of shit anyway, so good for him. Besides, Auburn just interviewed Buffalo’s head coach for the vacancy. If you’re a Tiger fan, do you want Texas’ D-coordinator or Buffalo’s (NOT the Bills) head coach? My point exactly.
Jake Peavy may not may not be traded to the Cubs. He’s going, then the Cubs don’t want him, then he’s going again, then Lou says his rotation is set, then he’s going again, the trade is off, the trade is on, then the Cubs don’t win the World Series for the 101st year in a row. Oh, the last thing hasn’t happened yet? Well, it certainly will.
Bob will win Survivor: Gabon. Yes, I know no one in the world watches Survivor anymore. But, one Thursday night I happened to watch an episode and twelve weeks later, I am really looking forward to the finale Sunday night. Bob is old, nice and everyone likes him. He’ll probably win and hopefully they’ll cancel the show, so I can never get sucked in again. Also, I know it’s bad I watch Survivor, but 2SL watches Chuck, and he is literally the only American I know that watches that shitty show.
The hottest girl to ever attend IU.
Billy Gillispie will make fun of your warm-up pants, then sleep with your girlfriend.
Seriously, Indiana? The warm-up pants still? Some traditions are great (running through the T, dotting the i, etc.), but this is not one of them. You look like a bunch of gay candy stripers who are trying to play basketball. And with this year’s team, let’s emphasize the word ‘try.’ UK needs this one badly as they cannot lose another game at home. IU doesn’t need this game because they aren’t going to be playing in the NCAA Tournament for about another decade. Also, everyone’s favorite coach will be prowling the streets of Lexington after the game, so beware!
That’s it, people. Once again, I’m going to plug TOMS Shoes as what you should be getting people for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus. You buy a pair of shoes, a kid in Africa gets a free pair of shoes. And, as EDay pointed out, they are hippie shoes. If you haven’t seen Phish in concert, then just buy yourself some nice houseshoes, you’ll feel better about yourself. This has all the makings of a great weekend, so build a fire to stay warm. And, if you don’t have a fireplace, drink thirty beers to keep warm.
Bear with me as I try to recap the MLB Winter Meetings in Vegas without succumbing to the use of terrible casino puns.
This year’s baseball winter meetings didn’t have the spark and flair of 2007’s when the blockbuster Willis/Cabrera Tigers trade finally launched the Rock City Cats over the hump and to a world championship… what’s that? Oh… really… last place huh? Willis threw 6 innings all year? Single A?! Well, shit.
Okay, so no front page news this year, but there were some clear winners and clear losers. And some not so clear situations. Let’s take a look.
Winners
The Metropolitans. Oman Minaya, fresh off a contract extension, did nothing but make his team better without giving up any talent. In two days he fixed the bullpen that cost him the NL East the last 2 years. He signed single-season save record holder Francisco Rodriguez as well as traded for JJ Putz, who himself has notched 91 saves over the past 3 seasons.
Here’s a quick peek at what APIAS writer’s are wondering this afternoon. Step into their brains for a moment.
Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.
Phil Mickelson will play golf and that is awesome. Look, I know I usually (try to) be funny or whatever on here. But, Mickelson is playing golf during a time when his family is going through a terrible time. We’re all praying that Amy Mickelson gets better soon and keeps being a cougar for many years to come.
Carrie Prejean will not have much to do. Oh, poor Carrie. She lost her Miss California crown this week, now what the hell is she supposed to do? I could think of a few things I would love to do with her. Anyways, let me ask one question. If you are gay (not that there’s anything wrong with it), do you really want Perez Hilton championing any cause you have? Seriously? That guy? Whatever, I will marry the former Miss California tomorrow.
The Lakers won’t win the NBA Title. These predictions are just for the weekend, remember? Yes, the Magic will get one more win (even without Mickael Pietrus, the dirty Frenchy) on Sunday night. That will allow more money for ABC and the NBA and also allow the Lakers to celebrate their title in LA. We will then get to hear all the Kobe-lovers talk about how great he is. And he is great, but he’s still not (and never will be) Jordan. Let’s not forget, Kobe doesn’t have the signature shot in his career like MJ has about 15. Seriously, try and think of the greatest Kobe shot ever. Um… yeah. Now, think of the greatest MJ shot. Over Russell in ’98? Over Ehlo in ’89? Hell, you could even throw in the one from the ’82 NCAA Title game. Chew on that, Kobe-lovers.
Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.
The Lakers will lose two games in Denver. LA is in big, big trouble. They struggled with a Houston team that didn’t have its stars and have been outplayed the first two games against Denver. I know I’m not the first person to say to say this, but their point guard play is awful. Derek Fisher is a shell of the guy who was there earlier this decade. He is absolutely killing them right now. And, somehow, the Nuggets are outplaying them in every facet of the game. Where did the Nuggets come from? I have no idea, but I feel like they’re here to stay… at least for this year.
Lane Kiffin will commit a minor NCAA infraction. I can’t say exactly what it will be this time. Will it be an inappropriate tweet? Will he call out another SEC coach? Will he Superman some ho? Who knows? The only thing I know is that my UT friends are hoping his bark is like his bite… or just that the Vols win some football games this fall. Sidenote: his wife is still smoking hot.
John Calipari will come to your BBQ, shake hands, kiss babies and still not sleep with your girlfriend. This guy is almost invincible and he’s yet to coach a game. He convinced the #1 PG/player in the country to come to UK after he’d already gotten the #3 PG to come (yeah, I know I’m going against my rant above), he sends out about 15 tweets a day to his 75,000+ followers and seems to be a genuine guy. All this comes before he coaches a game. Wait until he finds out what happens when he loses to Gardner-Webb.
Kobe Bryant will come out with an epic performance in Game 7. After last night’s stinkbomb, isn’t another thrashing in the cards for the Lakers? The Rockets can’t play well two games in a row, no matter how much we all want to see a team that has lost Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming beat the best team in the Western Conference. Also, can you imagine how pissed the NBA would be if Houston played Denver in the Conference Finals? Goodbye ratings! Oh well, Lakers win big. Vanessa Bryant approves almost as much as we approve of her… and her forgiving heart.
aria Verchenova will begin her reign to rule the world. How to rule the world in three easy steps: 1) Be born attractive. 2) Be good enough at golf to move the hell out of Russia. 3) Date Smoothron. Check, check and… almost check. Apparently, everyone just found out about Maria and we should expect nothing less than the Kournikova/Sharapova/
John Calipari will tweet you, but not sleep with your girlfriend. Wow, I didn’t think I’d say that last part about a UK Basketball coach so soon. But, Calipari has come to Lexington and absolutely taken over the city and state. He’s on Twitter giving people motivation, he’s recruiting the #1 class in America, he’s getting Patrick Patterson to come back to school and he’s trying to take over China. He’s a hell of a guy in my book. It also helps me feel better that if I ever date again, the coach of my favorite basketball team won’t try and rail my special lady.
All kinds of things are happening in the sports world friends. Some 
Louisville will walk to the Final Four. How can they be stopped? T-Will, Edgar (and the guy who paints his hair on everyday), Samardo and Earl see a title in their future. Ricky Pitino is the best coach in the country and will out-wit both Russ Pennell and Bill Self. It’s time to start thinking about a party on 4th Street. Oh, sorry, there’s always a party on 4th Street.
Denny Hamlin will win the NASCAR race. He’s won at Martinsville a lot in the past (at least that’s what NASCAR.com told me). Normally, I would pick a driver who has some hot girl associated with them. A quick Google search didn’t lend that to me with Hamlin. In that case, I’ll put up a picture of a smoking hot celebrity I’ve been thinking about lately. Hmm… how about you, Whitney Port? Sure, your reality show made me want to take a baseball bat to my nuts, but you are still smoking hot. Denny Hamlin, do better with the ladies.
Billy Gillispie will get fired, then sleep with your girlfriend one last time. Honestly, I’m feeling a tinge of sadness. A little over a year ago, FWP started with a recurring joke about BCG railing your girlfriend. Somehow, it stuck the whole time. I really hope Gillispie nothing but the best. He’s a hell of a basketball coach and was put in a very tough situation. I think if either UK or Gillispie had known what they were getting into, they would have politely declined. But, sometimes you have to be a man and take what’s handed to you. Gillispie will find work soon, and probably very good and wealthy work. Godspeed, Coach… but, on your way out of town, leave some blonde girls for us.
Ana Ivanovic will not play tennis… and no one will be better for that. How pissed are you if you flew all the way to Australia to see this hot Serbian babe play tennis and then she gets ousted early? I wouldn’t be happy either. Let’s be honest, the only reason Ana is being mentioned (let alone tennis for that matter) here is because she is smoking hot. Take a look at the picture of the sexy Serb and then keep reading.
You will probably go see The Wrestler. I won’t, but you probably will. I don’t like to let things like movies get in the way of my drinking, but apparently movies are what Americans do on weekend nights. Who would have known? Have they ever tried to drink 25 beers in a night? You can’t go see a movie and drink 25 beers! In other words, Marisa Tomei is in it and I have heard she has trouble keeping her clothes on in movies anymore. Hell, maybe I’ll go see it on Recovery Sunday.
Billy Gillispie will come to your college town, beat your college basketball team, then sleep with your college girlfriend. The Cats play in Tuscaloosa and Oxford back-to-back, so you better turn up the brightness on your television sets. In other news, Ronald Steele has opted out of finishing his senior year at Alabama. His AARP benefits kicked in, so he figured he could go ahead and start seeing the world. Jodie gets 37, PatPat gets 22 and the Cats get 76. Sadly (if you are a Tide fan), Bama will only get 65. Also, I’m sure you’re really proud of that blonde girl you started dating last semester and it’s lasted all the way through second semester, but BCG is coming to town. I wouldn’t let her out of sight.
The Cowboys will eke by the Giants in the “Drama Bowl.” Hey, guys, want some off-field shit to stir up your teams’ playoff chances? TO is essentially calling Romo and Witten gay. Brandon Jacobs isn’t playing. Plaxico is still being Plaxico. Wade Phillips is still the world’s highest paid cheerleader (TGC’s joke). Yeah, give the edge to the home team. Actually, give the edge to Mrs. Eli Manning, Abby McGrew. She looks like every other blonde at Ole Miss and I mean nothing bad when I say that. Hell of a job, Eli, hell of a job.
Colt McCoy will win the Heisman. Should he win? I sure as hell don’t think so, but he probably will. His stats were insane, he beat Bradford head-to-head and people don’t want to see Tebow win it twice. He’s also going to come back to Texas for his senior year, which is a huge mistake. He should go pro as soon as the Fiesta Bowl is over. The senior class for QBs is terrible and his stock couldn’t ever get higher. Remember Brian Brohm? Yeah, first pick to third round. Also, Colt’s girlfriend is very hot. (For the record, I DO think Tebow should win.)
APIAS 