Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.
Well, FWP has returned after last week’s Season 2 debut (or something like that). Perhaps I was a little rusty and didn’t get everything just right as I might have liked. But, I kind of think it’s like sex. Wait, no, that’s not it. I don’t know what sex is like anymore. Let’s just say there has been a drought of Biblical proportions, because I haven’t known a female in the Biblical sense in a long, long time (pretty sure my eternal fate is set after that last sentence). Nonetheless, it wasn’t all bad. Florida covered against ‘Bama, Pittsburgh took care of Dallas and Billy G double-dipped (and I don’t mean basketball games). There is one thing missing from this weekend and if you can’t guess, it’s in the title. No college football! Okay, there are D3 playoffs or something, but I have a life and won’t be watching those. For the first time since the end of August, we won’t be able to wake up to Corso, Herbie and Fowler. There won’t be any, “I’m not going to work ever again if I hit this!” parlays. And sadly, you have to find another reason to justify that first beer at 10:27AM. Alas, there are plenty things to fill your weekend: NBA games, MLB signings, college hoops and putting off Christmas shopping. Plus, you get to hear twelve straight hours of Heisman speculation on Saturday instead of getting to watch actual games… sweet! On with the prognosticating:
- Cole Hamels will hide in his house. What a dumbass. Is he trying to become more hated in New York than John Rocker? In an interview with an NY radio station, he called the Mets “choke artists.” Good call, Cole. People’s lives in New York aren’t screwed up enough, and now you want to piss them off even more? Whatever, you dug your own grave. (Note: yes, this pisses me off even more because, sadly, it’s true.)
- The Cowboys will eke by the Giants in the “Drama Bowl.” Hey, guys, want some off-field shit to stir up your teams’ playoff chances? TO is essentially calling Romo and Witten gay. Brandon Jacobs isn’t playing. Plaxico is still being Plaxico. Wade Phillips is still the world’s highest paid cheerleader (TGC’s joke). Yeah, give the edge to the home team. Actually, give the edge to Mrs. Eli Manning, Abby McGrew. She looks like every other blonde at Ole Miss and I mean nothing bad when I say that. Hell of a job, Eli, hell of a job.
- The Celtics will keep winning games. Do they have a chance at 70 wins? Sure they do. They play in a weak conference with only one other legitimate team in it, they have a loaded starting lineup and a decent enough bench and they have a great coach. WAIT A SECOND… one of those isn’t right. Doc Rivers still sucks. Who couldn’t win with Garnett, Pierce, Allen and Rondo? I took six white kids to the AAU National Tournament this summer and finished in the top 20. I’d like to see him do that!
- Manny Ramirez will not retire. This isn’t even really a prediction, just a stated fact. Would you rather not take millions of dollars or take millions of dollars? Yeah, thought so. Sure, he might have to play for the Nationals, but it’s a ton of cash and money is money. He should just go play for the Mets. Please?
- Colt McCoy will win the Heisman. Should he win? I sure as hell don’t think so, but he probably will. His stats were insane, he beat Bradford head-to-head and people don’t want to see Tebow win it twice. He’s also going to come back to Texas for his senior year, which is a huge mistake. He should go pro as soon as the Fiesta Bowl is over. The senior class for QBs is terrible and his stock couldn’t ever get higher. Remember Brian Brohm? Yeah, first pick to third round. Also, Colt’s girlfriend is very hot. (For the record, I DO think Tebow should win.)
- Will Muschamp will have some questions to answer. First, he becomes the hottest name in the could-be-next coaching world. Second, Texas freaks out, gives him a ton of cash to be “Head Coach in Waiting.” Third, it is reported that he is going to be Auburn’s next head coach. Very interesting, Senor Muschamp. I think the whole “Head Coach in Waiting” is a crock of shit anyway, so good for him. Besides, Auburn just interviewed Buffalo’s head coach for the vacancy. If you’re a Tiger fan, do you want Texas’ D-coordinator or Buffalo’s (NOT the Bills) head coach? My point exactly.
- Jake Peavy may not may not be traded to the Cubs. He’s going, then the Cubs don’t want him, then he’s going again, then Lou says his rotation is set, then he’s going again, the trade is off, the trade is on, then the Cubs don’t win the World Series for the 101st year in a row. Oh, the last thing hasn’t happened yet? Well, it certainly will.
- Bob will win Survivor: Gabon. Yes, I know no one in the world watches Survivor anymore. But, one Thursday night I happened to watch an episode and twelve weeks later, I am really looking forward to the finale Sunday night. Bob is old, nice and everyone likes him. He’ll probably win and hopefully they’ll cancel the show, so I can never get sucked in again. Also, I know it’s bad I watch Survivor, but 2SL watches Chuck, and he is literally the only American I know that watches that shitty show.
The hottest girl to ever attend IU.
Billy Gillispie will make fun of your warm-up pants, then sleep with your girlfriend.
Seriously, Indiana? The warm-up pants still? Some traditions are great (running through the T, dotting the i, etc.), but this is not one of them. You look like a bunch of gay candy stripers who are trying to play basketball. And with this year’s team, let’s emphasize the word ‘try.’ UK needs this one badly as they cannot lose another game at home. IU doesn’t need this game because they aren’t going to be playing in the NCAA Tournament for about another decade. Also, everyone’s favorite coach will be prowling the streets of Lexington after the game, so beware!
That’s it, people. Once again, I’m going to plug TOMS Shoes as what you should be getting people for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus. You buy a pair of shoes, a kid in Africa gets a free pair of shoes. And, as EDay pointed out, they are hippie shoes. If you haven’t seen Phish in concert, then just buy yourself some nice houseshoes, you’ll feel better about yourself. This has all the makings of a great weekend, so build a fire to stay warm. And, if you don’t have a fireplace, drink thirty beers to keep warm.