Archive for the ‘Golf’ Category

Friday Afternoon Questions: There They Go

June 19, 2009

questionsHere’s a quick peek at what APIAS writer’s are wondering this afternoon.  Step into their brains for a moment.

TGC wonders, “will Tiger make a come back at the Open?”  Well Mike Weir is eating Beth Page Black up with a 6 under 64 in his first round and Phil is one under.  Tiger’s opening round +4 leaves him a lot of work but we’ve all seen the guy catch fire before and the playing conditions for his first round were not ideal.  The magic eight ball says “outlook not likely” but we say don’t count that man out until Sunday comes and goes.

Smoothron ponders, “now that Kobe has finished off the Magic what will I do with my sports viewing time?”  Well Smooth you’ll just have to tune in to the Metros games a bit more often.  But with them sitting at 4-6 their last ten you might as well watch A’s games with myself because it’s going to be a long summer for us both if this continues.

eDay thinks to himself, “why are elephants scared of the National League?”  That’s simple, the A’s are 8-3 against the AL in the month of June and 1-5 against the NL.  The bats put up only 14 runs in 6 games on the NL road trip.  That will not win you ball games no matter how good your young pitching is (only given up 27 in that time frame).

2SL would like to know, “how sweet are the beaches in San Diego and is Iowa really that boring?”  Our fourth writer is about to hit the road for a couple weeks so you won’t be hearing from him much over that time.  But to answer his questions, the beach in San Diego is about as awesome as the California burritos and I had a brother that lived in Cedar Rapids so yes, Iowa is that boring.

FWP: I’ve Missed You All

May 15, 2009

fwpFearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

I guess it’s been a while since I did one of these bad boys (that’s what she said). I think I did FWP last in March, the month before April – the month that Keeneland is open. Keeneland was absolutely insane, 30,000+ people were there the last two Saturdays which makes the place almost not that fun. Of course, saying Keeneland isn’t fun would be like saying a date with Smoothron isn’t fun; and if I had been on a date in the last six months, I’m sure the nice, young, cougar would tell you I’m huge… I mean great. There has been a lot of stuff going on in the last month or so that we need to catch up on. The baseball season has gotten in full swing, a certain basketball coach has begun tweeting the day away, the NBA Playoffs are as good as they’ve been in my lifetime, the NHL Playoffs are trying to be relevant but can’t and we’re in the middle of the Triple Crown. To mark my return, this could be the longest FWP of all time. Fasten your safety belts, ladies. Yep…

  • vanessabryantKobe Bryant will come out with an epic performance in Game 7. After last night’s stinkbomb, isn’t another thrashing in the cards for the Lakers? The Rockets can’t play well two games in a row, no matter how much we all want to see a team that has lost Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming beat the best team in the Western Conference. Also, can you imagine how pissed the NBA would be if Houston played Denver in the Conference Finals? Goodbye ratings! Oh well, Lakers win big. Vanessa Bryant approves almost as much as we approve of her… and her forgiving heart.
  • TGC and EDay will come to fisticuffs. Oakland and Detroit only play twice during the regular season and the MLB chose the weekend that EDay and TGC would be out of town with big internet questions. MLBTV may not be in the cards for one of the biggest weekends of the season for my two compadres and that makes me said… until I remember they’re playing 72 holes of golf this weekend. Then, I want to vomit.
  • Kasey Kahne will win the All-Star NASCAR dealio Saturday night. I opened up the NASCAR website and he was the first person I saw. I have no reason to believe he will do anything well this weekend, mainly because NASCAR has regressed more than any sport in these tough economic times. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I haven’t heard anything about car racing this spring. Come on, rednecks, show your support and give NASCAR some more cash! Also, I don’t think Kahne has a hot significant other, no picture.
  • MariaVerchenovaaria Verchenova will begin her reign to rule the world. How to rule the world in three easy steps: 1) Be born attractive. 2) Be good enough at golf to move the hell out of Russia. 3) Date Smoothron. Check, check and… almost check. Apparently, everyone just found out about Maria and we should expect nothing less than the Kournikova/Sharapova/Williams Sisters  treatment. You’ll probably all be sick of her soon enough, as Mrs. Smoothron and I grow old together.
  • The Celtics will win their second Game 7 of the 2009 Playoffs. It’s absolutely remarkable that the Celtics will end up playing 28 games in two rounds in two years of playoffs. I’m almost sure that last sentence made sense too. The Magic are just losers, plain and simple. No player on that team has ever won anything memorable in their entire career. Hell, their coach won an NBA Title and then was run off by his players. Good effort, Orlando, now go back to being irrelevant. Please.
  • Brett Favre, Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez and Michael Phelps. I don’t have anything to say here, but I bet you every dollar I have ever made you hear at least two of these names this weekend.
  • The New York Mets will not give Johan Santana any run support. The guy has lost two games this year. He has given up zero (0) (that looks like a boob, haha) earned runs in those two losses. You’ve got to be kidding me. I understand batters seeing their starting pitcher throwing darts and not going their hardest, but my gosh, the guy has lost two games and done nothing wrong! Be better, hitters.
  • JT will win Survivor. What? No one watches this show anymore? Well, it still sucks me in every f*#&ing time. This season was actually pretty good, oh who am I kidding, no one cares.
  • Friesan Fire will win the Preakness. He may have run 18th (out of 19) in the Derby, but this is still a champion horse. My buddy, Ludt, wouldn’t run him if it weren’t a real possibility that he could win. That’s at least what I will tell myself when I’m with all the other scum bastards at the Drive-Thru Betting line tomorrow.
  • ukcheerleaderJohn Calipari will tweet you, but not sleep with your girlfriend. Wow, I didn’t think I’d say that last part about a UK Basketball coach so soon. But, Calipari has come to Lexington and absolutely taken over the city and state. He’s on Twitter giving people motivation, he’s recruiting the #1 class in America, he’s getting Patrick Patterson to come back to school and he’s trying to take over China. He’s a hell of a guy in my book. It also helps me feel better that if I ever date again, the coach of my favorite basketball team won’t try and rail my special lady.

Enjoy your weekend, people. Whether you’re playing golf, coaching basketball or killing your liver… make it the best it can be. Sorry, all of Calipari’s motivational tweets must have gotten into me there.

Peter Falk, you have my number

May 14, 2009

The APIAS crew is out of pocket for the weekend.  Let’s be honest though, you guys should be out by a pool drinking Coronas or on the golf course anyway.  It’s A’s/Tigers this weekend, so pick your Eday/TGC sides now. 

If you need me, I’ll be cursing the diety somewhere in central Tennessee. 

Have a good weekend you magnificent bastards.

(Maybe if you get lucky, you’ll hear from Smoothron or Bru.  If you do, let me know where they’re hiding.)

Afternoon Wake Up Call: Rain Out Edition

April 20, 2009

wakeupWhen you’re baseball team plays in a small market on the West Coast you get a little fired up to watch them in prime time, HD coverage on ESPN.  It was not to be tonight as the Yanks-A’s game was postponed.  Boo the rain people.  Boo it!  Okay, the sports world goes on so we’ll tone it down a bit.

The state of Kentucky continues to watch the basketball recruting process closer than people watched the birth of a baby panda on the interwebs.  John Wall is living it up.  One day he’s going to UK, now he’s talking to Billy D, and the NBA still beckons.  He might even end up in Europe.  All I know is that this guy knows how to market the John Wall brand.  I love it.  I’ve pretty much stopped keeping up with it from day-to-day because the information changes on a daily basis, but it will be fun to see where he ends up.  UK fans are also closely following the recruitment of the Henry brothers.  They’re almost as much as an enigma as everyone knows they’re down to KU and UK but that changes constantly.  Will they visit Lexington?  Who’s knows at this point, but they’ll eventually be somewhere and that will be another fun signing for one of those universities.

Baseball is being played in a few places and a few of the web site’s teams are still going strong.  The Tigers are still first in a close Central.  The Reds aren’t playing too bad.  The A’s are in a bit of a lull offensively but the bats will wake up.  Hopefully the pitching holds out.

Golf has slowed a bit after the Masters but the Pudge Cup kicks off this week.  We might drop an update for you from time to time and let you know who’s playing adequately.  Let’s be honest, none of the guys in this league are shooting 70’s, but it’ll be fun.

The NBA playoffs are in full swing.  The Mavs and Spurs are fighting it out again tonight and I expect TGC’s boys down in Dallas to get the better of their Texas breathren before it’s over.  Duncan is hobbling and Sir-Flops-A-Lot is out for the Spurs as well.  Not looking good to pick up #5 this year for my boys in Silver and Black.  I just hope Lebron gets it from Kobe in the Finals.  I haven’t liked that guy since he stole J.R. Rider’s dunk in the Slam Dunk Contest at All-Star weekend.  Yes, the alleged rape, his general attitude, and everything else that comes with disliking Kobe does not bother me as much as him stealing the East Bay Funk Dunk to win a dunk contest.  I’ve never pretended to be sane or fair folks.  It’s just the way I am.

Our favorite thing today will be Tiger Woods 2008 on the Playstation.  TGC is fervently trying to play his way up to face off against the virtual eDayStat.  Who needs to pay 60 bones for a new game when you can play last year’s golf game for next to nothing?  The only standing rule is no one plays with Vijay Singh.  It’s get ugly if I had to tackle someone in the middle of a round.  Have a few drinks, enjoy some playoff basketball, and if you can find some baseball on TV then bless you.  Enjoy the night folks.

February sports have gone ’round the bend

February 25, 2009



Found this on The Golf Channel just now.  Are we really struggling for sports news this bad?  Geez.

Is Opening Day here yet?

Screw it, I’m going to hit the links.

FWP: Alex Rodriguez Took Steroids

February 20, 2009

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Typically, we try to not do the breaking news thing here.  If you take a look at our collective “breaking news posts,” I would guess you wouldn’t find many of them came to actual fruition.  But, I feel really confident on this one.  Alex Rodriguez, baseball’s golden boy, took steroids for a period of time.  He will claim to have only done them when he was playing for the Rangers.  The years he will say will be sometime from 2001-2003, when he will say he was “24…25…26.”  Sadly, A-Rod turned 24 in 1999 and was never that age in 2001, 2002 or 2003.  Look, I know it sounds weird, but this will happen, mark it down.  Even weirder, he’ll say he sent his cousin to get the drugs in the Domincan Republic over-the-counter, but those drugs weren’t even sold OTC in the D.R. in those years.  Crazy, right?  How the mainstream media hasn’t gotten a hold of this is mind boggling.  I know none of this makes sense, but just listen to A-Rod and don’t ask any questions, especially follow-up ones, and everything will be just fine.

As fun as that crap will be to follow all weekend, thankfully the sports world is giving us something other than the travelling A-Rod circus.  College hoops is in full swing, a website is divided, the NFL combine, a big NBA showdown and tomorrow is Bracket Buster Saturday!  If you can’t get excited about Bracket Buster Saturday, then you’re a lot like I am.

  • battle lines will be drawn.  If you’ve been to the site ever before, you know that we all have different rooting interests in a lot of different teams.  None of those interests, however, run as deep as those for UK and UT.  Alas, TGC and 2SL will be rooting on the Vols as hard as they can tomorrow.  EDay and I will be praying for 2Pat’s ankle.  Bru will be texting all of us with hilarious, snide comments because UNC is so much better than both of those teams… combined.  Prediction below (I believe that’s what those in the business refer to as a ‘tease.’)
  • marisamillerDale Earnhardt Jr. will win the NASCAR race at Fontana Sunday night.  First off, let me say how embarrassed NASCAR should be for calling their biggest race of the season with 48 laps to go.  They had the national stage, on their biggest day of the year and let a little rain ruin things.  After getting lambasted by the national media all week, I would expect some changes to occur in the next month or so.  I will give them a little slack for having to travel cross-country for this weekend’s race.  I fully expect DEJ to do really well in the face of his former girlfriend, Marisa Miller, out in California.  I know I’ve asked before, but I’ll ask it again: How did a redneck like Dale Jr. bag a goddess like her?  Oh, right, because he’s rich.  Emmanuel Negedu’s #1 fan’s ex-boyfriend wins at Fontana!
  • The Waaaaaaaambulance will leave D.C.  Mountain West Conference commissioner, Craig Thompson, visited our nation’s capital for the past two days to cry about the BCS not letting his conference have a chance.  Without using any expletives, I’d like to tell Mr. Thompson to shut the hell up.  Is he serious?  How about the MWC be a real football conference, and then they can expect to play for national championships?  Yes, Utah beat Alabama.  Does any right-minded football fan think ‘Bama gave two craps about that game?  Utah would have gotten drilled by Florida, Oklahoma, USC, Penn State, Texas and possibly even Ohio State.  Be a real conference, then play in real bowl games.
  • Boston fans will hold their collective breaths.  Down goes Garnett!  Down goes Garnett!  Hey, Doc Rivers is a good coach, he knows what he’s do… HAHAHAHAH, sorry, I tried to get that all the way out, I just couldn’t.  Doc Rivers is a functioning retard with a really good team that would be hard to screw up.  If the Celtics had a good coach, they would sit KG for a month, lose some games, but still be okay with being in the top three in the Eastern Conference with a month left in the season.  What will Doc do?  How the hell would I know what that idiot is thinking?
  • annalynnemccordYou probably won’t go see Bring it On 3.  Oh, it’s called Fired Up?  Well, you probably won’t go see that one either.  It’s a little troubling though, in these economic times, that this kind of mindless shit can still be produced, edited and made into a movie.  The worse part is that people actually pay money to go see this stuff.  I’ll bet there’s some sort of life lesson learned by the protagonist at the end of the movie, there save your $12.  Sorry if I ruined the end for you.  If you’re forced to go, check out my latest love interest, AnnaLynne McCord.  In the wise words of TGC, “Rawwwwr.”  Watch out though, she’s a preacher’s kid and you never know about them… right, JBob?
  • Phil Mickelson will win the Northern Trust Open.  Hell, why not?  Is he not the luckiest man in America?  He plays golf for a living, is rich, has a hot wife, loves to gamble and has a hot wife.  He’s got it all, crown him the champ!
  • Pittsburgh will annihilate DePaul.  I try not to get emotional when watching hoops other than UK.  I usually do pretty well, until I watched Pitt this year.  DeJuan Blair is the next Charles Barkley, Levance Fields could find and kill Osama bin Laden in about two days if given the opportunity, and Sam Young is the most explosive jumper in all of college basketball.  What’s not to love?  Not to mention, this Pitt team even knows how to score!  UK is my allegiance, UNC is my pick to win it all, but Pitt is my favorite team to watch.
  • brucepearlgirlYou will make the trip up from Knoxville, coach and win a basketball game, but then Billy Gillispie will sleep with your girlfriend.  I’m talking to you, Bruce Pearl!  Do you really think you can take pictures with girls like this and think BCG isn’t going to take aim at your ladies?  Ha, nice try.  Look, I really want UK to win this game, but I just don’t see it.  First of all, UT has the revenge factor.  For a month, every time Kentucky plays, the highlights of Jodie dropping 54 on the Vols is shown.  That probably doesn’t elate the likes of BMaze, TSmith and WChis.  Okay, WChis doesn’t have a great ring to it, but I digress.  Secondly, Patrick “Beans” Patterson may not play.  I’ll take Smith, Chism and the best pound-for-pound player in college basketball, Brian Williams, against Josh Harrellson, Perry Stevenson and Jared Carter.  Lastly, I’m going to the game with BobWicket and just feel like UK is going to choke.  Dammit, that’s going to suck.  We will be looking for Gillispie and Pearl at all the Lexington eateries tomorrow night though, hoping to get some of their “leftovers.” 

Yep.  Weekend.  Enjoy.

Thursday timekillers

January 15, 2009
Image of Bru's car via

Image of Bru's car via

Not much going on in the world of sports today (or this week really).  Have some good clean fun with yourself below.

Bom Bom Bom Bom Wooooo!

Chattanooga Football (with a TO sighting, and probably the coolest–and longest–self-running flash window around) [LWS]

Will Forte on the BCS [With Leather]

A dog that walks like people walk

And of course, Van On Fire!

Lloyd Blows McMahon

January 6, 2009

Blogging Without Television (The First Week)

August 19, 2008

Harold Wilson is thought to have said, “A week is a long time in politics.”  For the current administrations of Georgia, Russia, and the U.S. this may never have been more true.  Well, we don’t do politics over here (for stuff like that check out our boys at Red, White and Dude) but if you ask me I’d say, “A week is a long damned time without any TV in your house.”

Yes, it’s been just a shade over a week since the old cable boxes were turned in and my sweet plasma tee vee has set motionless since.  Well, except for when SmoothRon or myself were playing MLB08: The Show on it.  In any event, I missed a lot of great sporting events this week.  I also actually found a way to catch a few sporting events as well.  For the run down of my first week going cold turkey jump with me.


FWP: He’s Back… Momentarily

August 1, 2008

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Gangstaaas, what’s up guys?  Another week without me last week?  Did you cope okay?  Well, I was involved in getting my good friend, Buffalo, hitched.  Luckily, EDay was gracious enough to step in and pinch-hit for me.  This has obviously been a big week, with all the MLB trades going down.  Manny is taking his act to Hollywood (get it, act… Hollywood…), Griffey Jr. curiously goes to the White Sox and this happened.  Today actually is TGC’s birthday, I wish I could get him the one thing he really wants: a man sandwich with 2SL and I this trade to be undone.  I have some calls in to Dave Dombrowski and Brian Cashman, I’ll see what we can do.  No decisions have been made on if our site will have a new name due to the catastrophic event.  Let’s just move on to the weekend: baseball, NASCAR and an old friend of FWP makes a less than triumphant return.  It’s go time…

  • The Mets will continue to… what is it they do again?  Seriously, they play well, then they don’t, then they win ten in a row… who knows what the hell is going on?  Some wins against the Astros would help this weekend, since there was obviously no help needed at the trade deadline!?  The bullpen of Aaron Heilman, Joe Smith and a bunch of other fuck-ups will surely be good enough in September again.
  • Having Olympic fever, Carl Edwards will win at Pocono on Sunday.  Oh, Hot Carl, how we loathe you and all your douche-ness.  The biggest thing I’ve never been able to figure out is how you pull hot chicks.  You look like a tool, sound like a tool and really are just a humongous tool.  Either way, you once dated Amanda Beard and her upcoming 4th Olympics will propel you to victory.
  • Brett Favre will not exactly keep you riveted.  Blah blah blah.  Is this shit over yet?  25 million bucks NOT to play football?  Deal.  Signed, sealed, delivered I’m yours… right, Stevie?
  • The US Olympic Basketball team will impress you.  Watch them.  This team is much better than any team the US has put on the court since 1996.  Kobe, LBJ, Carmelo and a very healthy looking D-Wade have looked very impressive in two exhibitions.  Their biggest ‘flaw’ is they over-pass on occasion.  Take that flaw any day of the week.
  • Chris Henry will get arrested.  No kidding.  What a clown.  Moving on.
  • Natalie Gulbis will win the Women’s British Open.  Actually, at last check, she was only three shots off the lead.  But, Natalie is known for much more than just her golf skills.  She’s also smart.  Ha, only joking, it’s because she’s hot.  Also, I will find any way in the world to put this picture up.  Good gosh almighty.
  • Josh Jarboe will find a new home.  You probably don’t know who Jarboe is, but he just got kicked off of Oklahoma’s football team (first time that’s ever happened).  Josh, I’d just like to say there’s a school in Ann Arbor, MI that would love to have you.  Plus, you can carry your gun around wherever you like.  Also, there’s a chance that Shav Beaver will be throwing the ball to you next year.
  • EDay will keep the countdown going towards college football.  The A’s haven’t exactly kept E enthralled with the baseball season since unloading their entire starting pitching staff, so he’s uber-excited about the Cats and Cards on August 31.  Just remember: bourbon at 10AM, grill starts at 2PM and bourbon again at 10PM.
  • Big Brown will not win the Haskell.  Oh yes, our good friend is back.  Big Fucking Brown.  He’s gotten a lot of pub around these parts.  He was mentioned here and here and here; then laughed at your ass here.  Well, Atoned is going to kick your ass at Monmouth on Sunday and I cannot wait.  Big Brown, “From Horse of the Year to the glue factory in only two months!”
  • No man in their right mind will go see Mamma Mia.  Amanda Seyfried could make me do a lot of things.  She was really dumb-sexy in Mean Girls, she’s really innocent-sexy in Big Love and most of all she is just sexy.  However, she’s not sexy enough to make me go watch a musical.  Close, but she’s not Blake Lively, for her I would do anything.
  • Billy Gillispie will coach against your sixth grade AAU team, then sleep with your girlfriend.  Okay, that’s a little gross, but he will sleep with your mom for sure.  Yes, Coach G is going to coach Robby Albarado and Kent Desormeaux against the Texas Titans.  Apparently, the jockeys won last year.  I say the Titans get them this year as BCG will probably be checking out the ladies a little more than he’ll be coaching.  Kids, warn your mothers or you may have a new daddy.

That’ll do.  Have a good weekend.  Drink some brews and sit by some sort of water.  Also, find TGC and wish him a happy birthday.