FWP: He’s Back… Momentarily

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Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Gangstaaas, what’s up guys?  Another week without me last week?  Did you cope okay?  Well, I was involved in getting my good friend, Buffalo, hitched.  Luckily, EDay was gracious enough to step in and pinch-hit for me.  This has obviously been a big week, with all the MLB trades going down.  Manny is taking his act to Hollywood (get it, act… Hollywood…), Griffey Jr. curiously goes to the White Sox and this happened.  Today actually is TGC’s birthday, I wish I could get him the one thing he really wants: a man sandwich with 2SL and I this trade to be undone.  I have some calls in to Dave Dombrowski and Brian Cashman, I’ll see what we can do.  No decisions have been made on if our site will have a new name due to the catastrophic event.  Let’s just move on to the weekend: baseball, NASCAR and an old friend of FWP makes a less than triumphant return.  It’s go time…

  • The Mets will continue to… what is it they do again?  Seriously, they play well, then they don’t, then they win ten in a row… who knows what the hell is going on?  Some wins against the Astros would help this weekend, since there was obviously no help needed at the trade deadline!?  The bullpen of Aaron Heilman, Joe Smith and a bunch of other fuck-ups will surely be good enough in September again.
  • Having Olympic fever, Carl Edwards will win at Pocono on Sunday.  Oh, Hot Carl, how we loathe you and all your douche-ness.  The biggest thing I’ve never been able to figure out is how you pull hot chicks.  You look like a tool, sound like a tool and really are just a humongous tool.  Either way, you once dated Amanda Beard and her upcoming 4th Olympics will propel you to victory.
  • Brett Favre will not exactly keep you riveted.  Blah blah blah.  Is this shit over yet?  25 million bucks NOT to play football?  Deal.  Signed, sealed, delivered I’m yours… right, Stevie?
  • The US Olympic Basketball team will impress you.  Watch them.  This team is much better than any team the US has put on the court since 1996.  Kobe, LBJ, Carmelo and a very healthy looking D-Wade have looked very impressive in two exhibitions.  Their biggest ‘flaw’ is they over-pass on occasion.  Take that flaw any day of the week.
  • Chris Henry will get arrested.  No kidding.  What a clown.  Moving on.
  • Natalie Gulbis will win the Women’s British Open.  Actually, at last check, she was only three shots off the lead.  But, Natalie is known for much more than just her golf skills.  She’s also smart.  Ha, only joking, it’s because she’s hot.  Also, I will find any way in the world to put this picture up.  Good gosh almighty.
  • Josh Jarboe will find a new home.  You probably don’t know who Jarboe is, but he just got kicked off of Oklahoma’s football team (first time that’s ever happened).  Josh, I’d just like to say there’s a school in Ann Arbor, MI that would love to have you.  Plus, you can carry your gun around wherever you like.  Also, there’s a chance that Shav Beaver will be throwing the ball to you next year.
  • EDay will keep the countdown going towards college football.  The A’s haven’t exactly kept E enthralled with the baseball season since unloading their entire starting pitching staff, so he’s uber-excited about the Cats and Cards on August 31.  Just remember: bourbon at 10AM, grill starts at 2PM and bourbon again at 10PM.
  • Big Brown will not win the Haskell.  Oh yes, our good friend is back.  Big Fucking Brown.  He’s gotten a lot of pub around these parts.  He was mentioned here and here and here; then laughed at your ass here.  Well, Atoned is going to kick your ass at Monmouth on Sunday and I cannot wait.  Big Brown, “From Horse of the Year to the glue factory in only two months!”
  • No man in their right mind will go see Mamma Mia.  Amanda Seyfried could make me do a lot of things.  She was really dumb-sexy in Mean Girls, she’s really innocent-sexy in Big Love and most of all she is just sexy.  However, she’s not sexy enough to make me go watch a musical.  Close, but she’s not Blake Lively, for her I would do anything.
  • Billy Gillispie will coach against your sixth grade AAU team, then sleep with your girlfriend.  Okay, that’s a little gross, but he will sleep with your mom for sure.  Yes, Coach G is going to coach Robby Albarado and Kent Desormeaux against the Texas Titans.  Apparently, the jockeys won last year.  I say the Titans get them this year as BCG will probably be checking out the ladies a little more than he’ll be coaching.  Kids, warn your mothers or you may have a new daddy.

That’ll do.  Have a good weekend.  Drink some brews and sit by some sort of water.  Also, find TGC and wish him a happy birthday.

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