Archive for the ‘Olympics’ Category

Brazil Beats USA in Soccer… Of Course They Do

June 18, 2009

Surprising no one in the entire world, Brazil beat the USA 3-0 in the Confederations Cup today. The USA had exactly zero shots on goal, while the Brazilians had eight (8!). Two guys who go by only one name scored for the winners. I think I have figured out the problem.

Hmm… a bunch of tiny looking guys, no? What if they looked like this..?

Can you imagine how could LeBron, Kobe and Chris Paul would be on a soccer field? Tayshaun Prince would be the best goalie since… um, I don’t know of any great goalies in soccer history. But, he’d be pretty damn good. I would almost guarantee last year’s Olympic Champion “Redeem Team” could give a better effort than the current USA Soccer “team.” Hell, we might even let Coach K coach them, if they could actually get a shot on goal.

Venezuela Tigers have Puerto Rico on ropes

March 17, 2009
No doubt longing for the smoky halls of Joker Marchant. (SB Nation)
No doubt longing for the smoky halls of Joker Marchant. (SB Nation)

The team from the Rich Port is in danger for the first time in this tournament, losing 2-0 last night.  Stymied by a solid pitching effort out of Venezuelans Felix Hernandez, Enrique Gonzales, and K-Rod himself throwing 1 1/3 hitless to close it out, Pudge’s boys are one loss from elimination.

Tonight’s game between the ‘Ricans and the ‘Merkins will be the second time in 4 days the two teams have met with PR taking a 11-1 mercy-rule win back to the HoJo on Saturday.
In the past two days, the United States has seen four players go down with ailments — Dustin Pedroia (left oblique strain), Chipper Jones (right oblique strain), Ryan Braun (right side) and Matt Lindstrom (strained right rotator cuff).

Scheduled to pitch for the injury-riddled USA is Ted Lilly, who gave up only 3 hits and 1 run–a solo homer–in his first start (against Venezuela).

Call me unpatriotic (and if you do, say the same thing about Todd Helton, Andy Sonnanstine, Tim Lincecum, etc), but tonight I’m just hoping for a game that goes the full 9-innings. 

The Tigers are already in the semis.


FWP: No Football, No UK… More Beer

February 6, 2009

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Hmm… last weekend was… interesting.  The Cats didn’t show up at home against the Cocks (in what is starting to look like a trend), the Vols dismantled the Gators and the refs won the Super Bowl.  Seriously, the NFL puts on the biggest game of the season and can’t give us good refs?  A game of that magnitude decided by people who are obviously incompetent is a damn joke and a slap in the face to viewers.  And I guess it is possible that I’m a little upset that I don’t live in Tucson and didn’t get to see the porno during the boring zebra show.  The game showed so many black stripes I thought it was being played in the damn Safari Jungle.  I keep trying to think of other ways to rip the Super Bowl, but I’ve kind of lost them all and it was five days ago so it’s not exactly relevant.  There is stuff going on this weekend, even without a real football game or even a UK basketball game.  College hoops is in full swing, baseball will inch closer, the Celtics will put up 200 in New York and it’s Pro Bowl weekend!!! 

  • auburngirlsBrian Williams will once again lead the Vols to victory.  Can my favorite big man in the country not get some pub from the national media?  The dude’s only been playing hoops for a couple years and is developing into a hell of a player.  Plus, he gives America hope… at least more than Barack Obama does.  The game won’t be pretty, mainly because it’s being played in Auburn and Auburn follows the SEC West rule: All teams’ gyms’ lights must be set to dim.  The Tigers keep it close for a while, but can’t match Big Beezy or the rest of the Vols’ athleticism.  Vols 76 Tigers 68.
  • Rich Rodriguez will hope and pray that his freshmen will be ready to contribute in seven months.  Will Campbell and Tate Forcier are both already on campus and are the two most needed contributors from Rivals #7 class.  Campbell is a 5-star DL and is a physical specimen.  Forcier is a dual-threat QB who expects to compete for the starting job.  Can we all hope and pray these guys are ready?  I mean, who really wants to see the Buckeyes win again?
  • The Celtics will absolutely crush the Knicks tonight.  The C’s got screwed by the refs last night, KG’s last foul was an abomination.  So now, the defending champs are going into the arena that has given us two of the best performances of the year in back-to-back games… and not by Knick players.  In case you don’t watch the NBA, NY isn’t exactly known for its defensive prowess so this could get ugly quickly.  Boston wins by 30+.
  • aishwarya-rai-bachchan-may-17-3The Pink Panther 2 will come out, not be as good as the cartoon.  Can we stop making old-school cartoons into movies?  When was this ever a success?  The Flintstones, Scooby Doo, yeah… exactly.  Steve Martin used to be a funny guy.  We’re talking about the guy who was in The Jerk!  The guy was classic on SNL and now he’s doing this.  As TGC always says, “The economy’s rough on everybody.”  If you do for some reason go see this “film,” check out Aishwarya Rai.  The former Miss World is also in the movie and also to the right.  Look at the pretty girl, now keep reading.
  • The World Baseball Classic will inch closer, making all of us desperate for baseball.  If you haven’t already, a nice way to pass the time at work is to check out all the rosters for the WBC.  There are a lot of questions that come out of the rosters.  How is Japan so good with so few MLBers?  How is Venezuela so damn stacked?  Can the Dominican Republic be stopped?  Could I actually make Australia’s roster?  Answers to come soon.
  • Lane Kiffin will NOT make a trip to Gainesville.  I’ve got a thin line to walk here, seeing as Vol homers and a Gator homer all write for the site.  Is Kiffin making any friends by spouting off like that?  No, not with other SEC coaches, but he is getting the alumni and Vol fans excited about football again after a very long year.  The only thing I would advise is to not make up recruiting violations… also, don’t be upset when Tebow is throwing TD passes late in the 4th quarter of an 84-3 game.
  • hawaiiangirlBilly Gillispie will take a weekend off, fly out to Hawaii to watch the Pro Bowl and then sleep with your girlfriend.  Why does UK have a random Saturday off in the middle of conference play?  Maybe a three game losing streak was planned by BCG to get a week full of practice before a HUGE game against Florida.  The game against the Gators could be what gets the Cats in the tournament, or keeps them out.  Yikes.  On the other hand, its the Pro Bowl on Sunday night!  Woohoo!  If you like NFL players going half speed, not tackling and wanting to be at the beach… this game is totally for you!  It’s going to be the swan song for Hawaii and this event.  I’m not sure what the 500 fans who attend every year will do without this.  Surely, they can find some hot Hawaiian chicks to hang out with.

If that’s not enough entertainment for you this weekend, surely you can take bong hits with Michael Phelps!  Oh Snap!  WEEKEND!

Whatever happened to that guy? – Ramar Smith

January 26, 2009
Drive, draw, and dish... where have ye gone?
Drive, draw, and dish… where have ye gone?

As we noted before in our search for leadership and hustle out of the 2009 version of Tennessee basketball, we lamented for the days of long long ago last year.  2 fiery, intelligent players roamed “The Summitt” and did not render one defeat.  Those 2 players are gone (dismissed for puffing the cheebah), and APIAS is tracking them down.

Duke Crews was located alive and well, playing PF for D-II Bowie State.

It appears that, as of July last year, Ramar Smith had intended to go to 2 time defending NAIA National Champ Oklahoma City U.

Former Tennessee point guard Ramar Smith has enrolled at Oklahoma City University, according to sources close to the situation. (Knoxville News-Sentinel)

He then turned up in Poland in October (no that is not the beginning of a WW-II joke), playing three games for AZS Koszalin.  He averaged 22 minutes, shot 18% from the foor, and 40% from the FT line before leaving town.  According to

2008-2009: in Sep.’08 signed at AZS Koszalin (Poland-DBE, starting five), left next month

That’s where the paper trail ends.  I recall seeing an article that suggested Smith had personal factors in his decision to give up pro basketball, but no further info.

sharp PG play and defense

Missing: sharp PG play and defense

If anyone has further information regarding the whereabouts of Ramar Smith, dial your local police shoot us an email at apiasdotnet (at) yahoo (dot) com.

In future installments of “Whatever happened to that guy?” we hope to include the current whereabouts of Lang Wiseman, all-time Kentucky 3-point percentage holder Todd Svboda, Ron Slay, Wade Houston, and Steve Hamer.

UPDATE: Scott Ross posted on “Ramar is in Nashville…..he was looking into TSU and/or MTSU, but neither worked out…”

FWP: New Year, Same Sh… Stuff

January 2, 2009

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Happy New Year, APIAS enthusiasts!  2009 has arrived; and not much has really changed.  I usually put some sort of build-up for the week in this spot, but things are going to be just a touch different.  I had totally intended to write a “Smoothron’s Top 10 Moments that Had to do With Sports that I was a Part of,” post, but that never happened.  And by part of, I mean watched… or saw or… whatever.  Well, really quick, here’s a short list:

  • USA Basketball Team Gold Medal Game: Bru and I were more excited about this game than anything else that happened all year.  I made the trek to NKY so we could watch together.  Lots of beers, one hell of a game, some drunken tears shed after the game and seeing the sun rise.  One hell of a night.
  • First Saturday of Keeneland Spring Meet -> Final Four Games:  The whole APIAS crew was around for this one.  We had the craziest tailgate of all time, won some cash at the track and later that night there might have been some basketball games on television.  TGC, 2SL and I also participated in the greatest session of texting about a girl in the same room ever.  1984 UK Basketball sweatshirt is all I need to say.
  • Music City Bowl: Technically, this was the last day of 2007, but it was a LONG day of drinking which led to 2008.  APIAS friend, Boski, and I made the trip to Nashville and met up with some people.  We got $10 tickets from a homeless couple and never made the 4 mile trek up to our seats.  After the game, all my friends bailed on me while I paid $40 to go into a shitty bar.  The things I will do for college girls in hot pants… ahh, memories.
  • First Saturday of College Football: There was a 9AM breakfast for the ages, which only could have been better if someone had made some damn eggs!  There was so much hope back then for all our teams.  Maybe RichRod would have Michigan ready.  Maybe Crompton was the answer for the Vols.  Maybe Mike Hartline could pick up where Woodson left off.  No, no and no.  Anyways, there was a ton of beer consumed that first Saturday.  The kitchen at APIAS headquarters looked like a damn war-zone afterwards.
  • BobWicket’s Bachelor Party: There was an NCAA Football 09 tournament, a golf outing, a cornhole tournament and 14 guys in their mid-twenties screaming at the television when Michael Phelps won his eighth (8TH!) gold medal.  Add that to the 3,000 beers drank and the “Roast of BobWicket,” and this was an all-time weekend. 

Enough of the looking back, it’s the first FWP of 2009!  Let’s roll!

  • BCS or no BCS, the Song Girls are #1.
    BCS or no BCS, the Song Girls are #1.

    USC will deserve to be playing Florida next Thursday.


      They were REALLY impressive last night against Penn State.  The Trojans were dominant on both sides of the ball, even after Joe McKnight got hurt and was out for the better part of the game.  All the bitching will never stop until there’s some sort of playoff, but USC and Florida are the two best teams in the country and should be playing instead of Oklahoma.  Also, Song Girls.

  • The Celtics will make a terrible decision.  Boston is supposedly looking into signing Stephon Marbury.  How is this possible?  Why would they want to do that?  This guy has killed every locker room he’s ever been in, and now the best team in the league wants to sign him?  He’s going to back up Rajon Rondo… and not bitch about it?  Don’t they already have Sam Cassell to bitch about not playing?  And, don’t give me the, “Their locker room is too strong to be broken, kind of like the Patriots with Randy Moss,” argument.  Doc Rivers couldn’t wash Bill Belichick’s half sweater.
  • Mid-major football programs will be humiliated.  First, Boise State lost their bid for a perfect run.  Now, Alabama will lay the wood to Utah.  I watched Utah play a few times this year and they definitely don’t have SEC speed.  I expect Julio Jones to not be tackled tonight.  Also, I watched Utah only beat Michigan by two points.  Michigan wasn’t very good this year, hell, Toledo beat them by more than two.  If this game isn’t within 4 TDs, I vote no non-BCS conference team can play in BCS games any longer.  Agreed?  Thanks.
  • With Anna around, Kris was a little better.
    Hooray, Anna!

    Derek Lowe will wake up and sign with the Mets.


      Hello, Derek?  It’s me, Smoothron.  I’d like to remind you that no one is really interested in you except for the Mets right now.  Also, our country is in a serious recession and the $12 million bucks they are offering is ridiculous for our economy.  Take the deal!  Seriously, the Mets need you.  If not, New York may have to go with Kris Benson again.  Or, on second thought, if he brings wife Anna with him, that might not be so bad.

  • All four road teams will not win this weekend in the NFL.  First of all, two rookie QBs aren’t winning on the road in the playoffs.  So, the Cardinals and Dolphins are winners already.  Secondly, Tarvaris Jackson is not winning a playoff game in the NFL no matter where they play it.  The Eagles are winners.  Lastly, Peyton Manning isn’t losing.  You want to know why?  Because I took him first overall in my postseason fantasy league.  If you know me and my hatred of Manning, this is a big deal.  The Colts are winners.  Two road teams win, two don’t.  Bet on those.
  • Tennessee will sneak out of Phog Fieldhouse with a win.  It won’t be pretty, but Bruce and the boys will not lay another egg like they did a few weeks ago on a Saturday afternoon on ESPN.  Kansas is down, but not terrible and will provide some trouble for UT, but they’ll be tough down the stretch and get a W.  Life will be good, and TGC will be drunk.  Everybody wins.
  • My new girlfriend, Kaley, will be cheering for the Cats.
    Kaley loves the Cats.

    Billy Gillispie will beat the Cards, then sleep with your girlfriend.


      It’s time for the biggest rivalry the Cats have.  No offense to Florida or recently Tennessee, but Louisville is the biggest rival for UK.  It will definitely not be easy for the Cats, now that the Cards are coming off an embarrassing home loss to UNLV.  It’s never good to have to play a Pitino team after a bad loss.  Practices after losses like that were staples when he was at UK.  I still think UL was overrated to start the year (by the experts and myself) and they don’t play as a team.  Edgar Sosa absolutely kills any offensive flow they have and will probably end up making Ricky P. bald.  Cats get five-point win in the Ville.  I hate the Ville and I think that’s a sentiment held by all of APIAS.  Oh yeah, after the game, Billy G. will be ready to go.  Hide your special lady!

There you have it.  First one of 2009 and it felt a lot like 2008 and 2007.  Did we even do this in 2007?  Go out and continue celebrating the new year.  The Cats play football in about 2.5 hours and I have a half of a keg left to drink.  Cheers!

Olympic Video Recap: same place I keep the champagne!

August 27, 2008

A look back on the Olympic dominance on the track and in the pool by Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps.

And the commentary gold medal goes to Tennis: “‘One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my God, what have I just said?”

See you in London.

FYCFP: The Time Has Come

August 25, 2008

Typically, I write FWP on Fridays predicting what will transpire over the weekend.  I am stepping things up and am going out on a limb to predict what is going to happen this year in college football.  If you’ve spent any time around this site, you know we are huge college football fans and love the four months over which it spans.  What’s not to love about the upcoming football season?  There are no less than eight teams with legitimate national title hopes and a bunch of guys gunning for the Heisman Trophy.  Who will come out on top?  Let’s find out…

  • The preseason #1 team in the country (Georgia) will not finish the season at the same place.  Hey, the talent that Georgia has is second to none.  Matt Stafford at QB is solid and the Moreno kid at RB is just nasty.  They were playing as good as anyone in the country at the end of last year, but their schedule is ridiculous.  They play at South Carolina (rivalry game), at #15 Arizona St., #24 Alabama, at #7 LSU, #5 Florida in Jacksonville and at #10 Auburn.  That’s a damn gauntlet, but that’s the curse of playing in the SEC.  If Richt can get double-digit wins with that schedule, he should get a medal.
  • Mark Mangino will eat more doughnuts than could fit in Memorial Stadium.  Yes, for those of you know didn’t know (I had to Wiki it), the Jayhawks play at Memorial Stadium.  Mangino is a favorite around the site, because of his mammoth size.  What a fat bastard!  The Jayhawks were a one-hit wonder last year and I look for them to plummet quickly back to Earth.  This will cause Adidas to make the largest pullover in history as Mangino copes by investing even more money in Krispy Kreme.
  • The winner of the Ohio State/USC game on September 13 will play in the national championship.  I love the fact that these teams are playing this game.  Neither team is scared to play a big game early in the year.  Ohio State has played a home-and-home with Texas in the last few years and USC had one with Nebraska.  Both teams play in conferences which are subpar, so the winner is in the driver’s seat to the title game.  If Ohio State is that winner (which I think they will be), the entire country may vomit if they have to watch them play in the national championship game again.


Gold standard

August 24, 2008

It may have just been a photo op, but perhaps the most telling snapshot of Team USA’s 2008 journey to gold was captured just after the medal ceremony, in the wee hours Sunday morning in the U.S. Shortly after the players were presented their gold medals, all 12 walked over to Coach Mike Krzyzewski, and draped their medals around his neck, a show of team unity that was the hallmark of the team during the Olympics. Since the coaches don’t receive medals, it was a great gesture to show just how much Coach K meant to this team, and how united this team really was.

Watching every second of every game, I couldn’t have been more proud to see our players take home the gold Sunday. For four years, since the disaster in Athens, all we’ve heard about is how U.S. basketball players are too selfish, too worried about highlights, can’t play defense, can’t sacrifice for their teams, don’t play with the same passion as international players, etc.  We’ve heard how the rest of the world has caught up, and in some people’s eyes, passed us.

Let’s dispel one myth right now. Losing in Athens was terrible to be sure, but I hardly think that demonstrated the rest of the world has caught us. I don’t think anyone can argue that the 2004 team was a representation of our best players. I like Richard Jefferson and Lamar Odom as much as the next guy, but are they really the best we have? Of course not. So while that 2004 team was certainly talented enough to win gold, coming home with a bronze was not an indication that basketball was off the map here. Yes, the world could beat our second-tier players, but these games showed that when our best compete, we still set the standard.

And it’s quite a standard they set. Not only did Team USA win their games by an average of 28 points, they did everything the “right way”…playing unselfishly, making the extra pass, keeping their composure, respecting opponents, and in general – playing for the name on their front of their jersey. There were superstars LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Dwyane Wade and Carmelo Anthony, who are all used to having the ball in their hands, playing brilliantly off of each other, demonstrating terrific teamwork and adding to their legends in the process. There was Chris Paul, the NBA MVP runner-up last year, accepting coming off the bench, something he’s probably never done in his life. There’s Deron Williams, one of the best young point guards in the game, playing heavy minutes at the off-guard. There’s Dwight Howard, the center of the Orlando Magic franchise now, accepting his role as merely a defender and rebounder on this team. Carlos Boozer, one of the NBA’s premier forwards, playing only six minutes per game, and yet still being the first one off the bench to high-five his teammates. On and on down the roster, every player made sacrifices to their games to help Team USA capture gold, and that’s something that shouldn’t be overlooked.

Off the court, this team was great too. While the 2004 team was branded “aloof” for keeping their distance from the games (is it really surprising that a team with Stephon Marbury had attitude problems??), this team was determined to take in the Olympic experience. There’s the now famous video of Kobe and LeBron cheering like star-struck fans at a Michael Phelps race. There was Jason Kidd, braving the rain to watch the U.S. women’s volleyball team take home gold. There’s pictures of Wade and Chris Bosh posing for photographs on the Great Wall, with the fans’ smiles only slightly larger than the ones the players wore.

I could go on and on about this team ( and I may have in some early morning texts or phone calls…sorry if I woke anyone), but I’ll just go back to that snapshot of Coach K with all the gold medals. After all the grief the 2004 team took, most of it deserved, we should be standing and applauding this team for their teamwork, unity and character. They were a team in the truest sense of the word, and they took home the ultimate prize for it. As a fan, I couldn’t be more proud.

So, to Jason Kidd, LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Carmelo Anthony, Dwight Howard, Chris Paul, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, Deron Williams, Tayshaun Prince, Michael Redd and Carlos Boozer, I say congratulations for the gold, and thanks for representing our country with pride and passion. Wearing U-S-A across your chest is a big responsibility and a great honor, and you all earned it every step of the way.

FWP: It’s Not Goodbye…

August 22, 2008

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Well, folks, this is the last FWP until December.  Don’t cry, though, as this means two things: 1) College Football is back!  and 2) The return of Sandwich Pick ’em Scramble!  I know you love some FWP, but Pick ’em is probably the highlight of this site, other than 2SL’s grammatical errors.  I will be making my “fearless” gambling predictions on Thursday of every week.  Tune in, read my picks, then go bet the opposite and become rich.  It’s a simple theory.  I’m just here to get you through the last weekend without real football.  Luckily there’s a lot of shit going on: the Olympics are wrapping up, baseball is heating up, the Travers Stakes, NASCAR and a new Scarlett Johansson movie.  One last time… thumbs up, let’s do this!

  • The Mets will just play baseball.  Things are good in NY right now (well, not for the Yankees) so I don’t want to do anything to anger the baseball gods (you know, like this).  The Cubs, however, play the Nationals so they’re guaranteed to win all three this weekend.
  • Dale Jr. will win in Bristol on Saturday night.  Dale has been a favorite of FWP through the NASCAR season because of his incredible luck with the ladies.  He looks like someone scrunched his face together, but he has banged some of the hottest chicks around.  What a joke!  I still think his crowning achievement was Marissa Miller.  She is absolutely heavenly.  Why would a Trolldoll lookalike break up with her?  You got me.  So go win this weekend, DEJ, EDay would appreciate it.
  • The US Basketball Team is going to kick Spain’s ass.  Gold medal glory will return where it’s supposed to be.  Spain can make all the changes they want, but that changes nothing.  They’re not exactly gaining forty points in a week.  Also, can anyone figure out why some of them have their first names on the back of their jerseys while others have their last?  They are goobers.
  • Shawne Merriman is going to use steroids.  It’s not like he hasn’t used them before and now he’s got a tear in his knee?  I can almost see the syringes lying around his house.  It’s a sure bet that he fails a drug test this season.
  • Vicky Cristina Barcelona will send guys to the movie like never before.  Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz in the same movie?  Yes, please.  Super sexy, check.  Who cares if the movie is any good or not… I’ll watch the damn thing with no sound.  Please enjoy picture directly to the right.
  • Chris Henry will celebrate his new contract with the Bengals. …By getting arrested!  ZING! 
  • You will get through the weekend without college football just fine.  Just think about all the bad things associated with it:  Lou Holtz’s lisp, Holly Rowe in HD, Verne Lundquist in HD, Pam Ward talking over a game and drinking all day.  Wait, drinking all day is a good thing.  Fine, just think about Mark Mangino naked.
  • Pyro will win the Travers Stakes.  Ahh, yes, my Derby pick is back in the game.  He’s the 7-2 favorite in the biggest race of the summer and should be a clear-cut winner.  At least I hope so… you know… if I gambled.
  • Billy Gillispie will see your girlfriend win a bunch of medals, then sleep with her.  Of course I’m talking to you, whoever is lucky enough to be dating Nastia Liukin!  You had to see it coming.  She’s out there flaunting it every night, being athletic, wearing that tight suit… delicious!  If Billy seems a little more excited this week, it’s because he just doinked Nastia on the balance beam.

That’ll do, people.  It’s been a fun ride and hopefully we’ll catch back up soon enough.  Hell, I may even do a Fearless College Football Predictions next week (I believe that’s called a tease in the business), but you’ll have to check back.  Have a good weekend, drink some beers, watch some baseball and enjoy yourselves.


August 20, 2008

NAME:  Andrew Bogut

DATE OF BIRTH:  November 28, 1984

LOCATION(S):  Melbourne, Australia/Milwaukee, Wisconsin/NBA Draft Lottery

WANTED FOR:  Stealing approximately $72 million from the Milwaukee Bucks basketball club, impersonating a quality NBA center

DISTINGUISHING MARKS:  Australian accent, bad haircut, terrible stench, lack of coordination

LAST SEEN:  Crying on Australia’s bench after a 116-85 loss to Team USA

CASE DETAILS:  On or about July 5, 2008, suspect signed a five-year extension to continue “playing” basketball for the Milwaukee Bucks professional basketball club (hereinafter referred to as the Bucks).  Contract is reported to be worth at least $60 million, and could reach $72.5 million if suspect reaches agreed-upon incentives.  Bucks officials were believed to have been drugged at the time said contract was signed, given that Bogut posted only measly averages of 14.3 points per game and 9.8 rebounds per game.  Furthermore, the Bucks won only 26 games last year, providing only more evidence that Bucks officials were not able to think clearly in paying extravagantly to bring back a core member of that team.

In his time in Milwaukee, suspect has reportedly alienated teammates and fellow NBA employees with surly attitude, and incomprehensible arrogance.  Furthermore, his greasy haircut continues to bring down the entire league, threatening all sense of style in cities across the United States.  Finally, suspect has shown little to no remorse for stealing fans’ money with said contract, despite being a mediocre center (at best) on a bad team.

CRIMINAL HISTORY:  In 2005, while attending the University of Utah, suspect was also believed to have been behind a heist that allowed the John R. Wooden and the James Naismith College Player of the Year awards to be falsely presented to him, over candidates such as Chris Paul, Sean May or Francisco Garcia.  Suspect received awards under false pretenses, as he played in a community college-level conference with little quality competition.