APIAS Pickem Scramble Week 3: Woops I drank Smooth’s birthday

 

So this bad boy is going up late, and is being typed at 2:34 a.m. East Coast time on Saturday morning.  Regardless of the fact that we still have yet to see picks from 3 of the players… it’s still Smoothron’s birthday and BobWicket was making it rain in [LOCATION REDACTED].  Honestly, the fact that I can still work the keyborad should garner a standing ovation.

I would however like to apologize to Marikka’s and [FORMER KENTUCKY SHOOTING GUARD REDACTED]’s house for drinking all their beer.

Also Burnsy apparently just told Smooth via facebook chat (yeah… gay!) that all his roommates were trying to bang the same chick.  (While he was facebook chatting) Nice effort B.

Per Eday’s advice, I’ll throw this up on the front page.  Upon reading the email that reminded SPS participants that picks were due in a few hours, I got this back from sell-out and ESPN The Mag writer ERIC!!! ANGEVINE!!! (Extra P to those who knew him before, Yoda to those who discussed the post-Wilco Jay Farrar live on Super Monday.)

 To show you what a nerd I am, I have a to-do list for every day, and one of the items on it is APIAS.

Also, I think Holly’s winning.

AWAYERS

 

HOMERS

 

This week’s best from the Aristocracy:

(also thanks to Bru for putting all his quotes in “quotes”)

Kansas @ USF
Can you imagine the sweat rolling down Mangino’s FUPA right around gametime? – SR
FACT – Mark Mangino’s pants are larger than the USF campus. – Burnsy
I had a donut for breakfast this morning, so Mangino it is. – 2SL
“Two things to keep an eye on in this matchup. One, how will Kansas fare playing against a real team out of conference? Two, how much will Mark Mangino sweat in the Florida heat?” – Bru
As a Georgia fan, I continue to feel residual Glen Mason hatred for ruining Christmas Day 1995 for me, which is reason enough for me to root/pick against the Jayhawks. Also, the Bulls are the better team. – tkk
South Florida, because upon hearing the name Bulls, Mangino will want to go to the nearest steakhouse. -The W
We started the season beating Florida International 40-10. Using special logarithmic calculations and adjusting for Mangino’s gravitational pull, this should be a narrow 23-17 Kansas win. – xp
South Florida, out of spite, because I’m nine kinds of eyerolling at Petejayhawk getting liquored up and railing at the SEC.  -Holly

Navy @ Duke
This game will be more brutal than your typical M*t* S*s*m*n LiveBlog over at that one site…- SR
“That’s right. I’m picking Duke to win a football game. Before you question me, I think my track record speaks for itself here.” – Bru
I picked Duke to win a sporting event before December, what is the world come to? – 2SL
Wouldn’t it be more fun to pick UCF’s bye week than this game? – Burnsy
If the Midshipmen can’t beat the Dukies, the War on Terror is already lost. If you pick the Blue Devils, I have just one question for you: “Why do you hate America?” – tkk
The Academy is going to run a Tailhook on Duke. – xp
Duke [requisite Coach Cut fawning goes here]  -Holly

Georgia @ SoCarolina
Georgia, by a mile. Ok, maybe a half a mile. -The W
“Spurrier used to love playing the Bulldogs when he was at Florida. Of course, he also had a quarterback and good receivers for those matchups.” – Bru
I really don’t have anything for this other than I’ll always have a warm spot for South Carolina because that’s where Erin Andrews winked at me. And even though she lets Tebow pound it home, I still believe she’ll come home to me someday. – Burnsy
There’s a name-based hierarchy in this world, and Smelley is a comic-book store manager, not a quarterback. Jawja wins. – xp
The Ol’ Ball Coach 0-2 in the SEC?  Goodbye Smelley, Hello, Augusta.-SR
 We’re their second-biggest rival. They’re our fifth-biggest rival in the years we don’t play Clemson. When I used that fact to explain why the Gamecocks always played my alma mater tough on EDSBS Live back in April, Peter Bean told me that was bullshit, to which I reply, “Oh, yeah? Then how come y’all keep losing to A&M at everything?” In an infuriating, aggravating, heart-rending nailbiter of a game, the Bulldogs prevail. First team to 20 wins. – tkk

UCLA @ BYU
Wow, this is a tough one, but I’m taking UCLA, because anybody that struggles to beat Ty Willingham doesn’t deserve to be ranked. -The W
“I’m pretty sure UCLA is starting a 9th string QB for this game”  – Bru
It’s like the guys at BYU have sold their soul to the devil to be this good.  Hold on, excuse me?  What?!?-SR  (Ed. It’s okay, apparently they have more.)
BYU does what Tennessee can’t, play defense for 4 quarters, catch passes, and hit open receivers. -2SL
 If you’re going to establish a religion that allows for more than one wife, doesn’t it make a whole lot more sense to do so in southern California instead of Utah? Angelenos win. – xp
Hot California girls or big-bushed Mormons? I believe this is what Jesus called a no-brainer. – Burnsy

Ga Tech @ Va Tech
BEEEEEEEEES  -Holly
Really, Frankie B?  You think you have a better chance with T. Taylor at QB?  What a novel idea, you FFF.-SR
“The real loser here will be the fans, who are subjected to an all-ACC matchup” – Bru
I’m going with Tech. The Yellow Jackets are shockingly mediocre. Fortunately for them, that’s good enough to win this game, and maybe good enough to win the A.C.C. – tkk
I’ll take the litte Beamers in this one, but this is probably the 2nd most unwatchable game this week behind….-The W
 Look out, Hokies, this isn’t  some cupcake like Eastern Carolina. Oh, wait. – xp (Ed. Are there more Skip Holtz childhood pictures involved?)

Michigan @ Notre Dame
This quite possibly could be the most unwatchable game ever, even worse than that Army-Temple matchup in Week 1. I would take Satan in this game, since he has both Weis and Rodriguez’s souls, but since I have to pick a winner, I’ll toss a coin and say……Notre Dame (heads won)- The W
Michigan, due to the Red Dawn Football Corollary.  -Holly
Picking this game would be like laying odds on the Special Olympics. It’s unsporting and ill-mannered. I abstain and I urge you to do likewise. – tkk
TO HELL WITH YOU, YOU FAT FUCKING BASTARD!!!-SR
“Three certainties in life. Death, taxes, and me never ever ever picking Notre Dame for anything” – Bru
jesus. Can you remember when tickets to this game would have cost the GNP of Myanmar? Now, you can’t give them away at an orphanage – xp
After the game, all of the players will gather around the campfire and tell tales of when both programs were worth a squat. – Burnsy

Oregon @ Purdue
Jesus. Remember when I would have had an amusing bon mot for a game like this? Now I can’t even wring something out of Ducks and Boilermakers. At an orphanage. – xp
Oregon, because their uniforms are cooler, Emilio Estevez is their coach, and Charlie has finally perfected that triple deek.- The W
“Purdue’s QB Curtis Painter is underrated. Oregon’s uniforms are…umm…interesting. Go with the home team here” – Bru
Remember when Joe Tiller tricked people into thinking he was a football coach? – 2SL
Remember when Purdue played “Basketball on Grass?”  That was a cute little idea, wasn’t it?-SR (Ed. Remember when you and 2SL started every sentence the same way?  You guys should just go tongue on tongue, see what happens and get it all over with.)
The Sun Bowl keeps getting earlier and earlier every year. The Ducks win in a walk (or a waddle). – tkk (Ed. At least TKK knows the difference between ducks and beavers)
I Purdue not give a crap about this game *raises hand, waits for high five* – Burnsy (Ed. I, for one, feel like you were almost close to a good joke there.)

MTSU @ Kentucky
Which mob of blue-clad goatfuckers do you root for here? Wow. When did I become so bitter? Kentucky. – xp
Kentucky, because I’m a homer, that’s why. And oh yeah, fuck Mark May…and salt!- The W
Middle Tennessee is like Middle Earth except the English is worse. – Burnsy
“I love how UK fans are questioning why the team isn’t ranked. Seriously?? Beating a bad Louisville team and then Norfolk State?? (by the way – Norfolk is not a state. I checked.) Enjoy it now Wildcats…SEC play starts soon” – Bru
Kentucky over MTSU, please tell me that game isn’t on tv. -2SL
UK wins, but nowhere near covers the needed 16.5.  Also, I hope everyone goes and boos their hearts out if they so fucking desire.  Because they can.-SR

Ohio State @ USC
USC.  I hate poor people.  -Holly
The Trojans had last week off and are playing at home. The Buckeyes struggled with Ohio (Ohio) and their star player is at less than 100 per cent. This one is going to work out about as well for the Buckeyes as Maurice Clarett’s post-Fiesta Bowl career. – tkk
Hey, you got your Buckeye in my Trojan! Well, you got your Sanchez in my Beanie!!! Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, SC. – xp
Just seems a little too obvious for the Trojans.  Surely that little bastard has something hidden in that sweater vest for this one.-SR
“Everyone will pick the Trojans. I think USC is a better team. They’re playing at home. They’re well-rested. OSU’s best player might not be 100%. OSU chokes in big games out of conference. Perfect recipe for a Buckeye win.” – Bru
It’s Beanie vs. The Beaner. Trojans win big and Carson Palmer will spend the rest of the year wishing he was still on college, because well, they’re better than the Bengals. -The W
The smart pick is USC but don’t count out the power of the sweater vest.  I mean Tressel has a chance, USC isn’t in the SEC. – 2SL
The NCAA should put the BCS trophy on the field just so Ohio State is extra motivated to lose. – Burnsy

Badgers @ Fresno St
“A Bulldog would definitely beat a Badger in a fight – right?” – Bru (Ed. “Yep”)
You all can have the game, I’ll watch the brawl of Pat Hill vs Bret Bielema after the game.  -SR
True Story: I met Bret Bielema at a Ruby Tuesday in Madison last year. OK, maybe it’s not true, but it’s still the most exciting sentence ever written about Bret Bielema. – Burnsy
I believe Ron Dayne will rumble for 250 yards in this one, but David Carr will pull it out for Fresno with a late play-action pass into the end zone. – xp
I heard the green V stood for Valley, but I still believe it is a ringing endorsement against VD. If so, stay away from 2SL by any means necessary. Fresno St. wins- The W
It was the West Coast Bulldogs’ 2001 win over the Badgers in Madison that vaulted F.S.U. into the national consciousness as the 3-0 mid-major that had beaten three straight B.C.S. conference teams to open the season. In the Raisin Capital of the World, Fresno State will treat Wiscy to a repeat performance. In the postgame interview, Pat Hill will exclaim, “Badgers? We don’t need no stinking Badgers!” (Did you know that Fresno elected as its mayor the actor who used to play Bubba on “In the Heat of the Night”? Strange but true!) – tkk