As the 2008 NCAA tournament gets underway on Thursday, everyone has been calling the APIAS.net staff looking for advice. Smoothron’s great aunt wanted to know if Butler could beat Tennessee in the second round. TGC’s girlfriend’s mom wanted to know what #12 seed had the best chance of an upset. Eday’s niece was questioning her Final Four selections and, my grandmother cussed me out because she disagreed with me on the USC/Kansas State winner. So we have fielded phone call after phone call and answered email after email about this year’s tournament. So without further ado, here is the A-Z you need to know and never hear about the 2008 NCAA Tournament (good teams excluded).
A: American University: American warms up to “God Bless the USA” by Lee Greenwood every game and is constantly reminded of what country music truly brings to America: nothing.
B: Belmont University: The Bruins out of Nashville, Tennessee are known more for their music program rather than their basketball. You’re likely to find more people gathered around a rousing game of hackysack or a hippie playing guitar instead of a basketball game.
C: The County: Maryland-Baltimore County as it turns out, is actually an institution of higher learning, whose nickname is the Retrievers. Seriously, an institution with such a prestigious name should have a more fitting mascot. How about the Maryland-Baltimore County Department of Motor Vehicles, or the Maryland-Baltimore County County Clerks? Can’t you see it, stand in line for hours upon hours just to register for classes. The athletic administration could call themselves, the Department of Recreation.
D: Delta Devils: Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils. Now there is a mascot I can get behind. I’m assuming Delta refers to the Delta Delta Delta sorority(And on the 8th day, God spoke and said, “Let there be sorority pledge day, where everyone wears a white dress.”) OK, so Delta Devils is not a plug for sorority life, but I still understand. What’s more sinful, devious, or scary than a collection of sediment at the mouth of the mighty Mississippi? Exactly.
E: Winthrop Eagles: The Winthrop Eagles are in for the fourth year in a row. Even with a coaching change, the boys from Rock Hill, South Carolina found a way. The self proclaimed Campus of Champions is literally brimming with champions as they have won the Big South Conference four years running. It should be noted they might want to keep winning the conference tournament if they want to continue their NCAA Tourney run; “Big South Conference” and “at-large bid” have never made for a good connection.
F-Z After The Jump…
F: Cal State Fullerton: The last time the Titans were in the tournament, BobWicket was learning all the words to that ridiculous two-minute rap song about the Big Mac. You know, the one that if you sang at McDonalds got you a free Big Mac.
G: University of Georgia: The Bulldogs boast a 4-12 conference record in the SEC but, won 3 games in less than 2 days to return to the NCAA tournament. Hats off to the Bulldogs but, if I have to see one more #44 Pure Bliss T-shirts I’m gonna lose it.
H: St. Joseph’s Hawks: Phil Martelli has his boys back in the dance. Thank God they aren’t a number one seed this time around. Was that not the easiest #1 upset to pick since Kenyon Martin and the Bearcats were a #1 seed?
I: Boise State Broncos: The pride of Idaho needs to patent the first all blue basketball floor, then they may have a chance. No one will fall for the Statue of Liberty anymore.
J: South Alabama Jaguars: The South Alabama Jaguars got an at large bid to this year’s tournament. What song better describes this momentus occasion, Alabama’s Close Enough To Perfect, Give Me One More Shot or Dixieland Delight (no revelancy or play on words with the last song, but damn, its a good one)?
K: Kansas State Wildcats: Freshman sensation Michael Beasley is majoring in How To Spend My Millions of Dollars Next Year. Things are going really well both athletically and academically for him. His 26.5 points a game lead Kansas State and he got an A in Spending the $250K The K-State Booster Gave Me, an independent study class designed to directly help him with his major.
L: Arizona Wildcats: Lute Olsen takes a sabbatical from coaching basketball and leaves the program in Kevin O’Neills hands. The former Tennessee coach, well, he looks like a douche-bag. I mean seriously.
M: Mount St. Mary’s: The Mount St. Mary’s Mountaineers are the glorious victors of the play in game. Obviously it was a slow day for the nuns and priests when they decided on the school mascot. The Mount St. Mary’s Mountaineers? Really?
N: ‘Nova Wildcats: Villanova Coach Jay Wright is known for his ties. The best dressed coach in college basketball is known for his array of neckties. He’s also known for his ties to the ‘Nova coeds.
O: Oral Roberts Golden Eagles: This Tulsa team draws its inspiration from those incredible large praying hands and the oddly designed golden buildings on its campus. If I went to Oral Roberts, I would pray to transfer somewhere else.
P: George Mason Patriots: George Mason returns to the tournament after its Cinderella run to the Final Four two years ago. Foget Cinderella’s slipper, if I’m Coach Larranga I want the key to Sleeping Beauty’s house, that whore will make sure all 7 of my recruits have a good time.
Q: San Diego Toreros: Question….The Toreros? Really, so what population sect do you all target?
R: Cornell Big Red: The excitement of dethroning the Penn/Princeton dynasty was overwhelming. So much so that only this picture on the athletics website could convey how much they cared about their basketball team.
S: Siena Saints: I knew a girl named Siena once, she could do amazing things with an ice cube and some pop rocks. (A moment of reflection) She was no saint.
T: Texas-Arlington Mavericks: The school in Arlington, Texas (obviously) boasts the school wide slogan, “Be A Maverick.” Does that include the constant gambling and drinking? If so, are scholarships awarded on achievements in those two areas? (Yes, Smoothron, they are mailing you an informational packet.)
U: University of Kentucky Wildcats: The once national power snuck into the field of 64 behind a 12-4 SEC record. First year coach Billy Gillispie has enjoyed his first year in Lexington noting, “college girls here love basketball, they’ll sleep with me just because I’m the basketball coach. Hell, I had to go to the bars with Coach Fran at Texas A&m just to get blown.”
V: Portland State Vikings: VICTORY!!!! – Johnny Drama
W: Western Kentucky Hilltoppers: What the hell is that thing? It’s in all the mascot commercials but no one knows what it is. I do feel that Grimace has fornicated with her once or twice, though.
X: Temple Owls: In grand Family Feud fashion, Temple gets the old fashioned X.
Y: Austin Peay Governors: (Oh, the ‘Y’ is silent) The University was named after Tennessee governor, Austin Peay. That must have been a drunken bet. The school’s official chant “Let’s Go Peay” can be heard not only at basketball games, but also eminating from the back corner of the frat bar in downtown Clarksville by a group of scantily clad Delta Devils (girls must go in groups).
Z: Baylor Bears: ESPN called Baylor basketball one of the feel good stories of college basketball this season. This feel good story has turned heads in Waco, Texas where the Bears have created a cult following….they are calling it, “Branch Drew-ians” after Head Coach Scott Drew. (Too soon???) Yes, I realize there is no relation between Baylor and the letter Z but come on I got the rest of them covered, cut me a break.