FWP: Sunglasses at Night Edition

June 19, 2009 by

fwpFearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

It’s 8AM, I’ve been at work for two hours and I am ready to go home. Hopefully, a little FWP will help pass the time until noon or whenever I deem a good time to head home. One place I will not be heading is to Louisville for “Downs After Dark” tonight. Yes, Churchill Downs, home of the most famous horse race in the entire world, will try out night racing for the first time tonight. My guess is that it will be a racing success and a social disaster. From a racing standpoint, it’s an absolute no-brainer. We’re in a terrible economy, where discretionary income is lessened every day. For many people, that means they won’t be able to go out to drink and gamble like they might once have. Well, when you put horse racing on a Friday evening, people can use their dinner money for drinking and gambling (much like I do everyday). Crowds will be absolutely killer and Churchill has already jacked up their admission prices to ensure they make every last dime they possibly can. Also, let’s not forget that you cannot watch Churchill on television live… anywhere, not on TVG or HRTV or even HGTV. So, the hardcore gamblers (the ones with jobs at least) will finally be able to actually see the races they are betting on. That is the part with this that I am totally on board, a homerun. Now, to the part that is going to suck: the people that are going to be there. One thing that Churchill Downs prides itself on (except for the Derby, of course) is their crowd is mostly people who are there for the races. It’s not like a Keeneland crowd where people go for drinking, socializing and to show off their new dress (Bru). Well, now it is going to be “the place to be seen.” I would say there will be a lot of dudes wearing their sunglasses at night (video below). Granted, Churchill doesn’t care who shows up as long as they get their $10 from each person through the turnstile, but that’s not a scene I want to be a part of. If Douchebag-Facebook-Status-Updates are any indication of the types of losers that are going to be there, I’ll be fine sitting on the couch with Blevs and Turner doing my gambling from 76 miles away. Lastly, Nick Nicholson better not be getting any ideas.

No choice but to move on, let’s do this.

  • elinwoodsTiger Woods will dominate the US Open. Bru and I went double-or-nothing on our car bet from last year. If you’re new, Bru and I bet last year on the number of majors that Tiger would win. The O/U was 1.5. He took the over and lost, I took the under and won his car. I decided to let him double down. As TGC pointed out in the early spring, “Bru, in about 10 years, you might be opening Smoothron’s Ford dealership.” Fine by me. Also, we all love Elin, Tiger’s sexy, Swedish, nanny wife. Well, done Tiger… as if you didn’t have enough going well in your life.
  • The NHL Playoffs will continue being irrelevant. Um, excuse, someone is telling me something. What’s that? They’re actually over? Oh, I would have thought someone would have said something about that. In all seriousness, I watched the last ten minutes of Game 7 last Friday night. Hockey just doesn’t do it for me. The only hockey story of note this year was that one guy calling Elisha Cuthbert his sloppy seconds. That made hockey important for about six hours.
  • Jodie Meeks will pray and pray and then pray some more. On Monday, Jodie crushed Big Blue Nation by not returning to UK and opting to keep his name in the draft. I really wish the best for Meeks, he was a bright spot on a very rough 2008-09 season, but this is a bad decision. After Meeks’ breakout performance against Tennessee (did you see that game, TGC?), defenses keyed on him. He struggled many times to get shots off against mediocre SEC defenses. I think he could have gotten quite a bit better under Calipari this year, especially his ball handling, but he’s gone. Now, Jodie will just have to hope and wait that some team will draft him in the first round where he will be guaranteed a contract. If not, he might want to brush up on his Arabic.
  • oliviawildeYear One will usurp The Hangover and become the #1 movie in America. Have you heard of Year One? It’s the movie that was advertised every f*#%ing commercial break during the NBA Finals. Michael Cera is one of the funniest people on the planet, but even I got a little sick of his “I’m awkward and don’t know what to say about sports” schtick at some point. The producers and studio must be praying this movie opens well or many heads will roll. The best part of the movie has to be that it features the uber-hot Olivia Wilde. Oh, Olivia, look how far you’ve come since you were playing hot, bi-curious Alex on The OC.
  • Bruce Pearl will prepare for an odd appearance in the coming week. NBA TV has hired Pearl as a Draft Analyst for the week. I don’t mean to rip on Tennessee too much this morning, but in what world does this make sense? Does Pearl, the basketball coach at UT, give NBA TV a big draw? More Vol fans would watch if Lane Kiffin were giving his analysis than Pearl. Thankfully, Bruce tweeted to let us know that he will be wearing a shirt.
  • Donte’ Stallworth will just be chilling in the clink. I’m not positive if clink is still used to describe prison, but it makes me seem like I have street cred. You would think, with all the media there is these days, that someone would compare the Mike Vick case to the Stallworth case. You know, because the two are so very similar. Either way, this really sucks for everyone involved. What? Stallworth went to Tennessee? Oh man, TGC is going to beat me.
  • lakergirlsThe second worst NBA Champs of the decade will keep celebrating. Yes, 2009 Lakers, you just beat out the ’06 Heat to NOT be the worst Champs of the 2000’s. How bad was that Heat team? DWade, Shaq and a bunch of clowns. Antoine Walker and Gary Payton got valuable minutes for that team. In reality, the teams are very similiar. They each have a superstar guard (Wade/Bryant), an aging PG (Payton/Fisher), a great big man (O’Neal/Gasol), an athletic swing man who can defend (Posey/Ariza) and an enigmatic pothead (Walker/Odom). I will give the Lakers the benefit of the doubt because I don’t think Dwyane Wade would shoot 573,829 free throws again. Hopefully, Garnett will return to form and LeBron will get some help next year so we can get away from non-memorable champions.

Hey, it’s almost 9:30 and I haven’t done anything at work so I better pretend to work for thirty minutes or so. Get by a pool, play some golf, hug your dad, help W move and drink one for me. Weekend!

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Brazil Beats USA in Soccer… Of Course They Do

June 18, 2009 by

Surprising no one in the entire world, Brazil beat the USA 3-0 in the Confederations Cup today. The USA had exactly zero shots on goal, while the Brazilians had eight (8!). Two guys who go by only one name scored for the winners. I think I have figured out the problem.

Hmm… a bunch of tiny looking guys, no? What if they looked like this..?

Can you imagine how could LeBron, Kobe and Chris Paul would be on a soccer field? Tayshaun Prince would be the best goalie since… um, I don’t know of any great goalies in soccer history. But, he’d be pretty damn good. I would almost guarantee last year’s Olympic Champion “Redeem Team” could give a better effort than the current USA Soccer “team.” Hell, we might even let Coach K coach them, if they could actually get a shot on goal.

Not Available at U-Idaho

June 16, 2009 by
callme

Booster money well spent.

Okay, so this is fun for hours.  I’ve already sent the call to everyone on the crew, so now I feel comfortable publishing it for your harassment/usage.

Thanks Holly!

Update: after you do it you’re gonna wanna see these, EDSBS.

Silver Screen Debuts; “Himself”

June 15, 2009 by

You may already be aware that there is a movie coming out this fall based on the Michael Lewis book The Blind Side.  What you may not know is that the movie will be featuring three SEC coaches playing themselves.

Tennessee’s Phil Fulmer, Ole Miss’ Ed Orgeron, and LSU’s Nick Saban (not one still affiliated with his previous school) will don the logos and colors of Universities Past for their big screen debuts.

Check out Hey Jenny Slater (via Holly) for a great rundown of wish-list actors, were the SEC head men not already spoken for in the film.

In my version, Saban is played by Gargamel

gargamel

Orgeron is played by Mr. Bean

 

and Fulmer is portrayed by Janet Reno.

You know you’d watch it.

FWP: The Moral Dilemma Edition

June 12, 2009 by

fwpFearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Well, it has been a few weeks. Last time we met was before Memorial Day weekend. Lots of things have happened since then. I went to Block Island, Rhode Island (which is about as modern as its website) for my cousin’s wedding. My cousin is an Irish-Jew and he married a Jamaican girl. They were both in the minority fraternity/sorority in college. Let’s just say the single, white females were NOT out in full force. And, of course the hottest one there caused me to have a major moral dilemma. But, I’m from Kentucky… and we’re not blood related… so, whatever. Then, last weekend, Bru’s sister got married at Keeneland. Yeah, you can guess what that was like. The great thing was the reception was in the same room that my friend, Regis, and I once went to the 2003 Taste of the Bluegrass. It was $75/plate and by “went to,” I mean we snuck in. Oh well, we had a great time. (Smoothron note: I had this great opening typed up until the internet crapped out on me. I don’t have the effort to re-write. Let me say again, she is NOT blood related.) Let’s do this…

  • amymickelsonPhil Mickelson will play golf and that is awesome. Look, I know I usually (try to) be funny or whatever on here. But, Mickelson is playing golf during a time when his family is going through a terrible time. We’re all praying that Amy Mickelson gets better soon and keeps being a cougar for many years to come.
  • Yankee fans and Met fans will brawl all weekend. Both teams just lost big series to their biggest division rivals. The Yankees haven’t beaten the Red Sox all year. The Mets are starting to look like the ’08 A’s with all the guys they’re putting on the DL. The Yankees new stadium is giving up more HRs than a 2SL prom date. Met fans are born angry. The economy is bad. El Nino is back. Yeah, it’s going to be a sight to see in NY this weekend. I almost wish I would have gone, but… nah.
  • Pete Carroll will be invincible. One coach has a former player that is accused of receiving over $300k while playing college athletics. Another coach gives a guy a thousand bucks. Who would you think would be let go (Yeah, I’m sure he “resigned”) first? Well, Tim Floyd lost his job this week and Pete Carroll will continue to be the face of USC. Good job, Tim Floyd! I would like to announce my candidacy for the next Head Coach at USC. I will not cheat, I will let Carroll be the BMOC and will lose 30 40 lbs. for the USC coeds.
  • carrieprejeanCarrie Prejean will not have much to do. Oh, poor Carrie. She lost her Miss California crown this week, now what the hell is she supposed to do? I could think of a few things I would love to do with her. Anyways, let me ask one question. If you are gay (not that there’s anything wrong with it), do you really want Perez Hilton championing any cause you have? Seriously? That guy? Whatever, I will marry the former Miss California tomorrow.
  • Phish will rock at Bonnaroo. Yes, I love Phish. I really wanted to go to Bonnaroo, but there’s just something about not showering for four days that I can’t handle. I also really like my cell phone, my TV, my computer and my bed. I almost wish I would have gone, but… nah. (Also, don’t know if you like Phish or not, but this clip below is sick. Flat out nasty!)

  • The Nationwide Series will run in Kentucky. One would think that NASCAR and the Commonwealth of Kentucky would be a match made in heaven. Sadly, it isn’t so. I have a possible idea for why that is. Because I live in KY and haven’t heard anything about the race until today! Granted, I’m not the biggest NASCAR fan in the world, but you would think people would be abuzz talking about a race less than 90 minutes from my house. Nope, but everyone can sure tell you the two guys who are off the UK Basketball team as of yesterday (Matt Pilgrim and Kevin Galloway).
  • lakergirlThe Lakers won’t win the NBA Title. These predictions are just for the weekend, remember? Yes, the Magic will get one more win (even without Mickael Pietrus, the dirty Frenchy) on Sunday night. That will allow more money for ABC and the NBA and also allow the Lakers to celebrate their title in LA. We will then get to hear all the Kobe-lovers talk about how great he is. And he is great, but he’s still not (and never will be) Jordan. Let’s not forget, Kobe doesn’t have the signature shot in his career like MJ has about 15. Seriously, try and think of the greatest Kobe shot ever. Um… yeah. Now, think of the greatest MJ shot. Over Russell in ’98? Over Ehlo in ’89? Hell, you could even throw in the one from the ’82 NCAA Title game. Chew on that, Kobe-lovers.

There you go. I have been stealing money all day at work, so I better do something for the last hour or so that I’m here (yes, it’s 12:30PM as I type this). And, please remember, be better! (And, yes, I do realize that the ladies today are all blondes. I don’t discriminate. Especially to you… because, you know… we ARE NOT blood related. Thanks.)

Goodbye, Mike Brown

June 11, 2009 by
Mike Brown, who is a thief, may be leaving Cleveland

Mike Brown, who is a thief, may be leaving Cleveland

According to Pro Basketball News, the Cavaliers’ front office is thinking about getting rid of NBA Coach of the Year, Mike Brown. Apparently, getting to the Conference Finals was not good enough and Cleveland is pondering who to bring in to replace Brown. This is obviously a strategic move to make LeBron James (a free agent next summer) think that the Cavs are trying to make moves to make the team better so that he doesn’t bolt after next season. Pat Riley is rumored to be at the top of Cleveland’s wish list to replace Brown if he were to be replaced. Riley would be a mediocre (at best) replacement, but an obvious upgrade over thief (you know, because he stole the Coach of the Year award), Mike Brown. Here’s a list of other possible replacements.

  • jeffvangundyJeff Van Gundy: Can you imagine the networks getting to hype  LeBron vs. Howard and Van Gundy vs. Van Gundy in the Eastern Conference Finals for the next decade? We would also get to see the Van Gundy’s dad wearing one of those half-and-half shirts, one side would be a white button-down and the other would be a ribbed t-shirt. It would also lead to a new joke in the lines of, “Did you know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit?” and “Brady Quinn’s sister is dating AJ Hawk.” “Did you guys ever hear that Jeff and Stan Van Gundy are brothers?”
  • Mike Fratello: I, for one, would love to see The Czar of the Telestrator back in the league. He has coached in Cleveland before and would hopefully allow TV crews in all his huddles so that he could draw up his plays for the audience at home. Marv Albert would also probably bite some hooker in the back he would be so excited to call a game that Fratello was coaching.
  • Isiah Thomas: Well, you know, if the Cavs were trying to run LeBron out of town. Did you know Zeke’s middle name is Lord? No, seriously. You can see it right here on his Wiki page. Sometimes, you just can’t make this shit up.
  • bill waltonBill Walton: How great would LeBron feel every day coming out of practice. “LeBron, your moves were absolutely magnificent today. Watching you play is like touring with The Grateful Dead in ’78. Your dribbling reminds me of watching Jerry play “Terrapin Station” to the moon in San Francisco. Your dunk at the end was as powerful as a Bob Dylan lyric!” If LeBron is a jamband fan, Walton is the obvious choice.
  • Tim Floyd: He could give away envelopes of cash to these guys every two weeks and there would be no repercussions! His win totals in the NBA: 13, 17, 15 and 4. Those numbers are absolutely staggering, but if Paul Westphal can get another gig in the league, who can’t?
  • John Calipari: If he wants to dodge all these Memphis allegations, the NBA would be a perfect place to go. We would just have to make sure there were no Mexican reporters in Cleveland.
  • Rick Pitino: Speaking of wanting to get out of the spotlight, Pitino could finally get out of Louisville. It would be really funny to hear Pitino’s opening speech to the Cleveland faithful, “Craig Ehlo isn’t walking through that door… Danny Ferry isn’t walking through that door…!” Danny Ferry (standing next to him) would then remind Pitino that he is the team’s GM.
  • blakelivelyBlake Lively: If the Cavs really want King James to stick around, why not hire a smoking hot girl to keep LeBron entertained. Surely, she could learn Mike Brown’s offense (“Give LeBron the ball, stand around and don’t get in his way.”) and would be a PR success immediately. Hell, I would pool some cash together just to watch her walk up and down the sidelines.
  • Gene Hackman: Did you see Hoosiers? He was magnificent as Coach Norman Dale. If LBJ can’t get excited about running the picket fence (Just don’t get caught watching the paint dry), I’m not sure if he has a pulse. Plus, the Cavs could play that cheesy ’80’s music during games just to keep the feel from the movie going.
  • Smoothron:  I am a valid candidate. I would be cheaper than most other options. I have won two AAU State Championships in the last three years. I would be a great wingman for LeBron at the club after the game. I am pretty sure I am more competent than Mike Brown.
  • Billy Gillispie: Can you imagine? This would be absolutely perfect. BCG wouldn’t have to be a role model like he was supposed to be when he was coaching college kids. His weird smirk would fit right in in the NBA. I have heard there is a TON of Dr. Pepper in Cleveland. I do worry about what would happen if he were to sleep with a player’s girlfriend, though.

1/3 Season Baseball Review

June 9, 2009 by

While you were out on the golf course, or laying by the pool, or working your life away, the Major League Baseball season has kept right on trucking.  This week marks the 1/3 point in the regular season for most teams.  It is safe to say we’ve had a few surprises, a few disappointments, and at least a few what-in-the-hell-were-they-thinking moments.

Let’s take a three-day, partially homerrific look at the good surprises since April.

(1 of 3) Surprises that make GM’s look like geniuses:

Guess he could manage talent after all.

Guess he could manage talent after all.

We can’t have a GM/genius conversation without first mentioning Dodger head man Ned Colletti.  Now, while pulling over a free-agent Joe Torre back in ’07 was more or less a no-brainer, what I’m giving Colletti props for here is locking him up with a 3-year deal, when the all-knowing Steinbrenners wouldn’t even offer two.  All he’s done in LA is produce a playoff baseball team in year 1 and rock out the best record in baseball for most of 2009.  All the while doing most of his damage without Manny Ramirez.

Up by Lake Erie, Dave Dombrowski’s rookie-or-bust campaign seems to be working out.  Of all the preseason prognostications I saw, only 1 (Joe Morgan’s) had the Tigers making the playoffs as AL Central winners.  With plenty of questions in the starting rotation and bullpen, that was admittedly fair to say.  World Champion GM Dombrowski had a few ideas (along with manager Jim Leyland) on how to buck the system:  keep a couple of 19- and 21-year-old rookies with the big club out of Spring Training.

All that has done so far is prove dead on.  21 year old Ryan Perry (he of the 101 mph fastball) has more than done his job in a setup role (with Zumaya out) and in long relief.  He was recently sent down to Triple-A to make room for the return of Jeremy Bonderman, but not due to performance.  My assertion is that it was due to the gigantic (and ridiculous) contracts he already agreed to with Nate Robertson  $7M, Dontrelle Willis $10M, and Brandon Lyon $4M (otherwise known as the “Theiving Bums” around these parts.)

The other was 19 year old high-school pitcher Rick Porcello, who had no experience above Single-A ball before 2009 camp.  Porcello notched 6 straight wins and was in the tops of the AL in several categories for the month of May.  Arm strength duration may become an issue as he gets into the 20’s with games started, but for the first third of ’09, it was clearly the right move to make.  And with the Tigers sitting in 1st place most of the year, who’s to argue?

This way to the show.

This way to the show.

Other happy findings this year have been the surprise Reds with young talent all over the field, currently sitting only 3.5 games out in the NL Central, and the San Francisco Giants with All-World pitcher Tim Lincecum and the (new) ageless wonder Randy Johnson.  Nobody saw the Giants making any kind of splash this year, yours truly included, yet here they sit hovering around the NL Wildcard slot.

Honorable Mention: Zach Greinke (even though the Royals have fallen back to Earth), Roy Halladay, Texas Rangers pitching, the A’s Matt Holliday trade, and Trevor Hoffman.

We’ll continue with 1/3 season disappointments and  strange moments later in the week.  Now get back outside and enjoy the summer air.

I’ll leave you with my June 9, 2009 playoff predictions.  AL – Red Sox, Blue Jays, Tigers, Angels.  NL – Braves, Cubs, Reds, Dodgers

Paging The General; 80 days

June 9, 2009 by

In honor of secondary recruiting violations becoming national news, I would like to remind you that it is only

80days

until the pom-pons fall from the Glocker Haslam Bridge , the  checkerboard flowers are planted outside the UC, and the official inaugration of the new First Orange Family.

Sports Illustrated aptly named

June 8, 2009 by
I guess he's looking into becoming a manager.
I guess he’s looking into becoming a manager.

I’m not sure what’s funnier, that it has already been updated once, or that it is still online a week later.

Lebron Ducks You, Media Goes Crazy

June 3, 2009 by

varejaoBobThe story about Lebron James ducking the Magic and reporters after being ousted from the playoffs is days old now.  Everyone’s had their say on the issue.  Well, almost everyone.  Now it’s our turn.  Here’s the cliff’s notes verison, nobody gives a shit.

That’s right, Lebron didn’t shake hands or talk to reporters.  Is that poor sportsmanship?  You’re damned right.  Will he do it again?  Hell no he won’t.  Was it that big of a deal?  Not really.

The only reason this thing was news was because it was Lebron James.  If Sideshow Bob Varejao doesn’t shake hands, no one says much of anything.  It maybe makes a post on Deadspin and then it dies.  Since it was Lebron everyone in America has to talk about it.

Here’s what really gets me though.  Most everyone was getting down on Lebron saying that was a bad example, etc. etc.  My question:  would you rather your kid look up to a guy doing steroids, a guy who slaps his wife around, or that terrible piece of shit asshole who didn’t slap hands after a playoff game?  Seriously, the media will never learn to let things like this go and thus you people are going to be stuck listening to us bitch about it.  I hope you’re happy with that. 

(note:  that sweet ass image of Ssideshow Bob came from www.deviantart.com  check it out, it’s a cool place and I’m pretty sure they’re not associated with Nazi’s)