Archive for the ‘Straight Cash Homey’ Category

Afternoon Wake Up Call: It’s Almost Over

March 31, 2009

wakeupKentucky basketball has been everywhere recently.  From the WWL to UK message boards and fan sites, the Interwebs have been abuzz with UK’s men’s basketball coaching search.  It all kicked off Friday afternoon when Billy Gillispie was officially shown the door by UK.  Since then the server for about every UK blog, fan site, and even many actual news outlets have been shitting all over themselves.

The big question remains: who will replace Gillispie at the helm?  Most reports have John Calipari of New Jersey Nets fame.  In fact, the ever-reliable Wikipedia already has him as the head coach (as of the time of this post).  ESPN still has Coach Cal as undecided so we’ll go with that today.

One thing that is absolutely true is that Cats fans are salivating at the idea of having Calipari on the sidelines next year.  A potential first ten of Wall, Meeks, Miller, Orton, Patterson, Hood, Harris, Stevenson, Galloway, and Cousins would make any fan smile.  That appears to be a strong possibility if Lee Todd and Mitch Barnhardt do indeed tap Calipari for the head man job.

There’s not much to say about this that hasn’t been discussed but let’s think for a moment what would occur if Calipari does get the job.  First, the UK-UL rivalry would ratchet up another notch as the old Memphis-UL rivalry was pretty heated when they were CUSA opponents (they’re even in a commercial together).  A second rivalry is the UK-UT showdown.  Bruce and John had turned the Memphis and Tennessee face-offs into serious games.  Just two years ago the teams were ranked #1 and #2 in the nation and playing on ESPN.  There appears to be no love loss between these two men either.  So UK’s main rivalries could be getting another shot in the arm with the addition of Calipari.

In other news (yes, there is other sports news) baseball kicks off in less than a week.  This particular blogger could not be more excited.  In fact, the old MLB.tv account will be paid up tonight to avoid any last second rush on Monday.  Can’t miss the A’s (and Tigers) first games now can we?

On the A’s front, young pitching is the name of the game.  It appears that all 5 members of the opening day starting rotation will be 25-years-old or younger.  That sure as Hell makes a guy feel old when his entire starting staff is younger than he is!  The off season acquisitions of some big name position players should give the youngsters some time to settle in, and even if they don’t there is a stable full of arms down in Sacramento just waiting for their opportunity.

The Tigers want to show everyone that 2008 was an anomaly.  With one of the best lineups in baseball again this year, and a heatly Sheffield, the Tigers will look to score in bunches again.  Offseason acquisitions of Jackson and Lyon will help push the pitching over the hump as well.  Don’t sleep on the Tigs in the AL Central this year as that race will be hotly contested again in 2009.

The Final Four also kicks off this weekend.  Give me UNC to hold off Jay Wright and his band of midgets.  Then give me Roy Boy to take down the sleigh dogs.  Just a hunch.

Our favorite thing today is going to be Pizza Hut.  This is only because it is about to be my dinner and absolutely no other reason.

That’s all for today folks.  Go out and enjoy the weather before the rain gets here.

NOTE:  While typing this ESPN has reported Calipari will take the UK job and Sheffield was released by the Tigers.  The sports world has gone nuts in the last 15 minutes.

TAGMAT!: College Football Must Do Better

September 25, 2008

TAGMAT (They are giving money away today!) is a weekly column done every week by APIAS.net’s resident gambling addict, Smoothron.  This site in no way advocates gambling, especially excessively.  Smoothron’s degenerate friend, who will refer to as Casino Bobby also gives you his picks for the week.  If we can tell you anything, bet against both of them and you should be able to retire within the first month of the season.


Remember back in college when you used to get laid?  You can think of that one special weekend (back when weekends started on Thursday) when you brought home girls who were smoking hot and you started feeling really good about yourself?  Yeah, that was last weekend in college football.  There were good games on all day long; we at the APIAS headquarters had 3 TVs rolling all day and at times had to flip back on forth on one of them.  The SEC West was possibly won, UGA proved they could dominate the Pac-10 and Florida finally made a friend realize it might be time for Fat Phil to waddle off into the sunset.

But, then there were those other weekends that weren’t so special.  You went out, but your game didn’t have quite as much salt.  Your go-to ladies were out of town or not responding to your many (MANY!) text offerings.  You ended up just getting absolutely hammered drunk, got back to the house and passed out while attempting to jerk off.  Welcome to this weekend of college football.  There are plenty of games that have little-to-no appeal at all, no more than seven games which might be construed as interesting and only ONE must-watch game (Bama @ UGA).  Is there something ADs can do?  Maybe not, but one would hope that weekends like this would be more and more rare as we get further into the season.

The positive is always that no matter how bad the game is, Buffalo @ Central Michigan can turn into the Rose Bowl if you put enough on it.  Follow along and as usual, Casino Bobby and I will give you the best of what we can find. 

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TAGMAT!: Let’s Just Start Making a List

September 11, 2008

TAGMAT (They are giving money away today!) is a weekly column done every week by APIAS.net’s resident gambling addict, Smoothron.  This site in no way advocates gambling, especially excessively.  Smoothron’s degenerate friend, who will refer to as Casino Bobby also gives you his picks for the week.  If we can tell you anything, bet against both of them and you should be able to retire within the first month of the season.

Well, that didn’t take long.  Throughout different gambling seasons, there are times to find a team that is good against the spread, and then there are teams/coaches you cannot bank on under any circumstance.  Last week, we found Gambling Enemy #1, in Sly Croom.  It didn’t take too long after that, to find #2.  My partner in kind-of-crime (depending on where you are), Casino Bobby, and I both absolutely loved West Virginia over East Carolina.  To me, it was the easiest bet of the weekend.  Vegas had overreacted to ECU’s beating of Virginia Tech the week before and West Virginia had the two best players on the field (Pat White and Noel Devine).  I was calling people, proclaiming West Virginia as the lock of the year (Sorry again, TGC, about that $9.86 gone out of your BetUS account).  Bill Stewart is going to run West Virginia into the ground faster than Bob Huggins will run his new Benz into a telephone pole after a long night in Morgantown.  Congratulations, Bill Stewart, you have joined an elite club of terrible football coaches that is sure to gain more members week by week.

It’s a fabulous week for college football.  Two historical top programs play each other when Michigan goes to Notre Dame, Georgia tries to make Spurrier be 0-2 in the SEC (already!!) and two of the best three coaches in the country face off.  Yes, Ohio State is going out to L.A. to play USC.  Not only do these teams both like beating the shit out of Michigan, but they also happen to be ranked in the top 5 in the country right now.  If there’s a big game like that, you can be sure that CB and I are taking opposite sides.  Jump along to win some straight cash, homey.

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Florida Dillard’s Not Safe Just Yet

March 6, 2008

rivas.jpgA few months ago, TGC told you about an upstart professional football league.  This quaint idea seemed like something that could actually work.  Put guys from the region they played college football on teams in that same area.  As a Michigan Football fan, Garrett Rivas kicking for the Michigan team in the AAFL would totally draw me to a game (if I lived in Michigan, of course).  Every Kentucky football fan remembers Bobby Blizzard, who transferred to UNC.  If you’d only knew then that the spurn of the big TE leaving could one day be turned around by a short drive to Knoxville to see him playing in the AAFL.  I don’t mean to be sarcastic (okay, not that sarcastic), I actually really do like the idea of this.  It’s kind of like having a single-A baseball team.  The product on the field won’t be worth a damn, but I’m sure they’ll have cheap beer and mascots running around everywhere.  What could stand in the way of this masterpiece?  Well, in the wise words of freshly re-signed Randy Moss, “Straight cash homey.”

Since inception, the League’s finances have been indirectly tied to the $300 billion federally guaranteed student loan asset backed securities market. In August, the sub prime mortgage crisis began spreading into other sectors such as municipal bonds and federally guaranteed student loans. The situation, which was considered to be temporary at the time, has continued to worsen. 

The release then goes on to say that the league needs a TV deal to insure the league can go in ’08, or they may have to postpone the league until ’09.  Now, I didn’t take a business class during my 5-plus-years at THE University of Kentucky, and am not really sure what that whole indented part means, but I do know things look bleak.  And let’s be honest, if a disclaimer is already put on the website, your league is totally f*&$ed.  I am sorry AAFL.  I am sorry Team Texas QB Eric Crouch.  Most of all though, I am sorry to all the Dillard’s in Florida, because we all know that Team Florida WR Peter Warrick is going to be hitting you up for some discounted Tommy Hilfiger just a little bit longer.

The only thing I’m not sorry for is hopefully TGC will quit trying to get me to go to Knoxville for the big Team Michigan vs. Team Tennessee opener.  I mean, like I could leave this place the weekend of the BlueGrass Stakes!

[ AAFL ]

Ramel Bradley – Rap Star… Of Course He Is

February 11, 2008

Sometimes, the internet just brings things that you can’t take your eyes off. No, I’m not speaking of midget porn from The Realm. I speak of that one video of a certain local athlete doing something other than playing sports. Ramel Bradley taking the stage at the Singletary Center on the campus of the University of Kentucky definitely fits in that category. Without further ado, I give you Ramel Bradley and Jonathan Webb:

The audio isn’t the best, but Ramel obviously wants you to STAND UP! Further investigation led me to find out that Ramel was not just a one-hit wonder. He is scheduled to perform at the “Jonathan Webb Music Festival 2008” which is scheduled for April 12th. Sounds awesome to this guy.

One question: Who would schedule a music festival in the middle of Keeneland?… Especially on the day of the Bluegrass Stakes?

Jonathan Webb Music ] [ Facebook ]

Sunday Assault ReportS: Glenn Rice

January 13, 2008

glennrice.jpgIn this additions of SARs, we examine news that W may find quite shocking.  Everyone’s favorite round shooting guard was recently arrested for assault.  Now what could possibly get the big, cuddly Glenn Rice to physically assault someone?  Apparently, Glenn Rice does not like it when you play hide-the-cucumber with his estranged wife.

Alberto Perez was found by Rice “hiding in the closet of his estranged wife.”  Wow.  Just W.O.W.  Rumors are that Rice then immediately went to answer the front door where a white man with a curly ‘fro stated “I’m here for the gang bang.”

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The Truth Comes Out about Oregon Athletics

September 12, 2007

 duck_dirty_football_money.jpg

There have been many reports that Phil Knight of Nike regularly donates millions to the Oregon Athletics Fund, or OAF (as I have just made up).  But what is not known about the financial support system for the OAF is who has be been engaging in secret deals with behind closed doors.

All the under-the-table cartoon royalties, child labor kickbacks, and gay-duck-mascot prostitution ring led by one famous water-dwelling beast… A beast so fowl that his oily slicked-back black hair and poor English grammar call up fearful daymares of 1920’s Chicago and backroom assassinations for most of us (well, what we saw in movies anyway).

The culprit, the proof, and the SHOCK!! after the jump.

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Clinton Portis and the boys…

August 29, 2007

In a world where the internet provides the public with every local commercial in the country/world, we at APIAS.net bring you this gem from Easterns Motors. Easterns Motors is an automotive group in the Virginia/Maryland area; and apparently is pretty profitable. We’ve all seen local auto commercials with one, maybe two local stars, but, well take a look for yourself…

Thanks to Nittany Lions homer, Merritts, for the EXCELLENT tip.

Fulmer Family on par with Dr. Evil

August 28, 2007

It was announced today that Phil and Vicky Fulmer will donateONE MEEEEELION DOLLARS to UTK.

While everyone can agree it’s admirable to give back to the educational community and his alma mater, some critics might suggest that this donation will only end up back in the Great Pumpkin’s hands in the form of meal per diems, recruiting travel and team sweatsuits (thank you Wandering Thomas for the set you stole for me in 2001). 

Supporters will applaud the generous gesture to the school that has recently educated his three daughters.

APIAS will point out that when announcing this giant gift, nobody at UTK PR bothered to check the grammar.

donation_to_help_correct_aliterracy.jpg

Bladdaaaww.

[The University of Tennessee]