Archive for the ‘Ohio Smells Funny’ Category

Can This Actually Be Happening?

April 16, 2009
Brady...Harbaugh...Grbac...Henne...This Guy?

Brady...Harbaugh...Grbac...Henne...This Guy?

Irony hates me.  It absolutely wants to watch me squirm and burn in hell.  When all of you were ripping on Greg Paulus for the last four years while he flopped around Duke, I was trying to take the high road.  “He’s the type of guy you hate to watch play for someone else, but if he were on your team you would absolutely love him… He’s a coach’s dream.”  Yeah, whoops.  ESPN relays this quote,

“There has been an opportunity given there,” Paulus said Thursday morning on a conference call with reporters. “I thought it was a really good visit. It was really helpful to get to be on a campus and meet with coach [Rich] Rodriguez and see the system and understand what types of opportunities are out there.”

Now, as a Michigan Football fan, I am forced to come to grips with myself.  Can I actually root for this tiny bastard?  Hmm… do the numbers 3-9 mean anything to you?  Look, if the guy can win the Wolverines some more games, I could care less how many times he was getting dunked on in Cameron Indoor.  And as hard as it is to say, the guy is a hell of a leader.  He has played on some of the lesser Duke teams, but that’s still not an easy job to have.  Then, when forced into a backup role midway through this past season, he took his demotion gracefully.  So, I guess I’ll support the little guy.  What the hell else do Michigan fans have to lose?  10 games in a season?

[ESPN]

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TAGMAT!: Lesson #147, Trends

October 23, 2008

TAGMAT (They are giving money away today!) is a weekly column done every week by APIAS.net’s resident gambling addict, Smoothron.  This site in no way advocates gambling, especially excessively.  Smoothron’s degenerate friend, who will refer to as Casino Bobby also gives you his picks for the week.  If we can tell you anything, bet against both of them and you should be able to retire within the first month of the season.

Not exactly the greatest week if you decided to follow the picks of Casino Bobby and myself.  Our combined 1-6-1 record didn’t exactly help anyone’s economic troubles, except for Vegas’.  Of course, the week previous I went 3-1; apparently, much like my least favorite coach in the world (Sly Croom), I cannot put two straight weeks together.  Casino Bobby just hasn’t been the same after he spent some time in the slammer.  His thinking has been off, and Governor Beshear is still going to outlaw online gambling in the great state of Kentucky.  As you can see (if you read titles), I wanted to talk for a moment about trends.  If you are really looking for a trend, it may be that we suck at picking games against the spread.  HOWEVER, don’t bail on us just yet, we’re going to figure this whole thing out.

The kind of trends we need to start looking at are things like schools not winning at another school’s campus in a while.  There were two great examples of this last weekend: UNC @ UVA and Mizzou @ Texas.  UNC looked like a lock (to me) at Virginia.  Virginia sucks and UNC is pretty good.  UNC was actually up 7 points late in the 4th quarter, but Virginia got a late TD, forced OT and won by 3.  UNC hasn’t won in Charlottesville since 1981.  I wasn’t even born then.  Whoops.  Then, Missouri goes to Texas and everyone is talking about how the Tigers will respond after losing to OK State and might beat the Longhorns.  That was enough to scare me off.  Texas put up 35 before MU even knew the game had started.  Also, Missouri hasn’t won in Austin in 114 (ONE HUNDRED AND FOURTEEN!) years.  I’m not even sure if John McCain was alive then.  Also, Mack Brown hasn’t lost a game at Texas after the Red River Shootout.

The main point of this is this: You probably want to find these trends, because I plan on giving reasons for betting on games like, “USC will be uninspired because there aren’t any hot chicks in Oregon.”  Sorry, maybe next year we’ll do better.  On to the picks, if you dare.  (more…)

TAGMAT!: Let’s Just Start Making a List

September 11, 2008

TAGMAT (They are giving money away today!) is a weekly column done every week by APIAS.net’s resident gambling addict, Smoothron.  This site in no way advocates gambling, especially excessively.  Smoothron’s degenerate friend, who will refer to as Casino Bobby also gives you his picks for the week.  If we can tell you anything, bet against both of them and you should be able to retire within the first month of the season.

Well, that didn’t take long.  Throughout different gambling seasons, there are times to find a team that is good against the spread, and then there are teams/coaches you cannot bank on under any circumstance.  Last week, we found Gambling Enemy #1, in Sly Croom.  It didn’t take too long after that, to find #2.  My partner in kind-of-crime (depending on where you are), Casino Bobby, and I both absolutely loved West Virginia over East Carolina.  To me, it was the easiest bet of the weekend.  Vegas had overreacted to ECU’s beating of Virginia Tech the week before and West Virginia had the two best players on the field (Pat White and Noel Devine).  I was calling people, proclaiming West Virginia as the lock of the year (Sorry again, TGC, about that $9.86 gone out of your BetUS account).  Bill Stewart is going to run West Virginia into the ground faster than Bob Huggins will run his new Benz into a telephone pole after a long night in Morgantown.  Congratulations, Bill Stewart, you have joined an elite club of terrible football coaches that is sure to gain more members week by week.

It’s a fabulous week for college football.  Two historical top programs play each other when Michigan goes to Notre Dame, Georgia tries to make Spurrier be 0-2 in the SEC (already!!) and two of the best three coaches in the country face off.  Yes, Ohio State is going out to L.A. to play USC.  Not only do these teams both like beating the shit out of Michigan, but they also happen to be ranked in the top 5 in the country right now.  If there’s a big game like that, you can be sure that CB and I are taking opposite sides.  Jump along to win some straight cash, homey.

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FYCFP: The Time Has Come

August 25, 2008

Typically, I write FWP on Fridays predicting what will transpire over the weekend.  I am stepping things up and am going out on a limb to predict what is going to happen this year in college football.  If you’ve spent any time around this site, you know we are huge college football fans and love the four months over which it spans.  What’s not to love about the upcoming football season?  There are no less than eight teams with legitimate national title hopes and a bunch of guys gunning for the Heisman Trophy.  Who will come out on top?  Let’s find out…

  • The preseason #1 team in the country (Georgia) will not finish the season at the same place.  Hey, the talent that Georgia has is second to none.  Matt Stafford at QB is solid and the Moreno kid at RB is just nasty.  They were playing as good as anyone in the country at the end of last year, but their schedule is ridiculous.  They play at South Carolina (rivalry game), at #15 Arizona St., #24 Alabama, at #7 LSU, #5 Florida in Jacksonville and at #10 Auburn.  That’s a damn gauntlet, but that’s the curse of playing in the SEC.  If Richt can get double-digit wins with that schedule, he should get a medal.
  • Mark Mangino will eat more doughnuts than could fit in Memorial Stadium.  Yes, for those of you know didn’t know (I had to Wiki it), the Jayhawks play at Memorial Stadium.  Mangino is a favorite around the site, because of his mammoth size.  What a fat bastard!  The Jayhawks were a one-hit wonder last year and I look for them to plummet quickly back to Earth.  This will cause Adidas to make the largest pullover in history as Mangino copes by investing even more money in Krispy Kreme.
  • The winner of the Ohio State/USC game on September 13 will play in the national championship.  I love the fact that these teams are playing this game.  Neither team is scared to play a big game early in the year.  Ohio State has played a home-and-home with Texas in the last few years and USC had one with Nebraska.  Both teams play in conferences which are subpar, so the winner is in the driver’s seat to the title game.  If Ohio State is that winner (which I think they will be), the entire country may vomit if they have to watch them play in the national championship game again.

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The Bengals Never Cease to Amaze

August 21, 2008

What – like the Bengals need another challenge entering this season? It’snot as if we’re talking about a perennial playoff contender who is making some small adjustments to move forward. This is a team with one playoff appearance since 1990, a team who went 7-9 last year, and a team whose defense allows teams to score as easily as Brad Pitt at a women’s prison (thanks to Dave Barry for that one). Not to mention the fact that they spent much of their off-season “getting tough” with star Chad Johnson, not giving into his trade demands. With an unpredictable and volatile Johnson back in Cincy for another season, and with the team floundering, and with everyone questioning Coach Marvin Lewis’ ability, and with a tough schedule, and with very low expectations for the team…why not re-sign an underachieving felon who has had 13 incidents with police in the last 3 years?

Even better, why not sign a felon that the team waived only four months ago, saying they could no longer tolerate his off-field problems? What – did he become a Boy Scout since April? I must have missed the story where he saved all those children from the burning orphanage, and then donated his free time to work at the soup kitchen…when he wasn’t delivering Sunday sermons and giving motivational speeches at schools. And Mike Brown wonders why he presides over one of the worst franchises in professional sports. With decisions like this, he’s quickly working his way into Isiah Thomas territory. I can’t wait to see his next move. Is OJ available? They could use a back-up for Rudi Johnson. Why not bring in Unabomber to be offensive coordinator? Maybe he could even convince Barry Bonds to be the team trainer. Ron Artest could be the team chaplain. I’m sure Michael Vick wouldn’t mind organizing social outings for the players on off days (dog track anyone?), and who wouldn’t agree to have Amy Winehouse in charge of the post-game buffet?

Obviously, the re-signing of Chris Henry is sure to be nothing short of a comedic adventure. A bad team, lots of explosive personalities, a disgruntled fan base, a moron who can’t stay out of handcuffs, who was once arrested (this is still hard to believe) wearing his own jersey…this is can’t miss. Rumors are that souvenir stands at Paul Brown Stadium will also be selling bulletproof vests this year – discounted for fans within range of the home team’s sideline. Also, keep an eye out for Week 7 this year – first 10,000 fans to PBS receive a free can of mace, and in Week 13, all kids 12-and-under can redeem their ticket stubs for a free tour of Henry’s latest jail cell.

So my advice for you Bengals fans, as we count down the days until kickoff? Forget about playoffs this year (if you haven’t already) – just enjoy the show.

Predicting the 2009 NASCAR Driver Carousel

July 1, 2008

With the news last week that Casey Mears is out at All-Star Team Hendrick Motorsports at the end of the 2008 season, this officially begins the annual switcheroo of drivers and teams.  (No, not that bullshit switcheroo, that one 2ndStoryLloyd pulls on you the first night you move into a new town, and he invites you over to introduce you to a chick he met at a bar last weekend– whom you find out later he’s already boned–then Ninja smokes you and disappears upstairs with the hot one while you are forced to babysit the grenade and talk about your asshole friend who’s up there doing who knows what with the Holy Grail, no not that switcheroo.)

At any rate, let’s take a quick look at last year’s changes before we dive into the prognostications.

Kyle Busch out at Hendrick to make room for Junior.  Busch to Joe Gibbs Racing. This was by all accounts a win-win trade for both JGR and Hendrick.  The loser here was DEI, which Dale Jr. bailed on due to his step-mom’s ridiculous need to stay involved in motorsports.  Dale won his first race in two and a half years a few weeks back under an HMS Chevy, and Kyle has won 5 (as many this year as in his career) and is the current points leader in a JGR Toy.

Kenny Wallace forced out at Furniture Row Racing in favor of Joe Nemechek.  Not a bad move for FR here, with Nemecheck a proven veteran driver with some wins.  But don’t we all miss Kenny interviewing other drivers after the race for the SPEED network… after coming in 40th himself?  I know I do.

2009 predictions after the jump…

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Halfway point brings turtle head out for Tigs

June 30, 2008

On the day of the season’s 81st game, the Tigers pull out of loserdome and into a winning record.  With a 3 game sweep of the Rockies (who’s season couldn’t get much rockier… boo..) the Rock City Cats poke out one game over .500 to 41-40.

As I alluded to back in May, the day the Tigs climbed out of the cellar for the first time, 2SL’s ill-advised public faith in the Cubs, Eday’s consistency with his support of the Elephants (cheap shots be damned), and Smooth’s positive outlook for the Manuel era… all these things make baseball season around APIAS headquarters great.

Well, and hotdogs and beer too… obviously.

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Dropping Bombs; Tigs sweep Park Rangers

April 25, 2008

The get-out-of-town game couldn’t end quickly enough for the Texas Rangers’ pitchers.  After shredding them for 29 runs in the first 2 games, the Rock City Cats took another approach Thursday afternoon dropping 5 bombs on them, 2 by Magglio.  That is the most in a single game by any team in the  bigs so far this year.

Even Grando, on his second day back, pitched in, knocking the first pitch of the 1st inning over the left field wall.  Guess the finger is okay.

This is the kind of offense Tiger fans have been salivating for since December.  One can only hope it keeps up.

The 4 in a row drives the record to 10-13 and puts them a game up from the cellar, currently occupied by Cleveland (which is in Ohio, which already smells funny).

Tonight brings struggling Tiger Nate Robertson (0-2) against red-hot Ervin Santana (3-0) who just licked the Mariners for 3 H, 0 BB, 8K in 8 strong.

Then again, the Mariners didn’t put 5 free baseballs in the outfield stands on Thursday.