Archive for the ‘Golf’ Category

FWP: The Dark Knight Edition

July 18, 2008

fwp.jpgFearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Sorry, people.  I didn’t mean to leave you all hanging last weekend.  I must have been worn out after the loooong 4th of July weekend.  I may have actually achieved my goal of drinking one hundred beers over the weekend.  As a few people told me, “It’s great you’ve finally found some goals.”  I agreed and moved on.  It’s probably for the best this didn’t go up last week, as I would have told you to bet it all on Curlin in the Man O’ War Stakes.  It’s safe to say that Curlin won’t be racing on turf again any time soon.  Lucky for you, FWP has returned to guide you through post-All-Star-break baseball, the Brett Favre saga, Kelenna Azubuike’s unlikely destination and The British Open (what the hell is The Open?).  Thumbs up, let’s do this…

  • The Mets will play baseball.  Yeah, you thought I was going to talk about that one thing?  That thing that rhymes with men maim spinning meek?  Not a chance in hell.
  • Greg Norman will defy all odds and win the British Open.  Seriously, why is it just called The Open now?  When did this happen?  First, Pluto’s not a planet and now this?  I am not okay with all these changes.  Anyway, Greg’s recent marriage to Chris Evert has sparked him to a lead at the British Open.  Not bad for a guy that’s as old as my dad.  Also, Greg’s sperm brought us his smoking hot daughter, Morgan.  Morgan has previously been linked to Sergio Garcia, no worries if you date Morgan, if you’ve seen Serg play golf you know he probably couldn’t putt it in the hole.  Ohhhh, NO I DIDN’T!
  • Oakland will trade more players.  I still haven’t figured out why GMs answer the phone when Billy Beane calls, but they still do.  Beane will continue to Moneyball the pants off of you, especially if you happen to be a male.  EDay has promised analysis of more A’s trades to be expected over the weekend.
  • The Clippers will try to be the first team to have every player on Injured Reserve.  First, they sign oft-injured Baron Davis.  Then, they traded for Marcus Camby’s legs (it’s not 1996 anymore).  The only healthy player left may be the newly signed (hopefully) Kelenna Azubuike.  In other news, my friends and I used to scream, “Azu-bukkake!!,” after Kelenna dunked on someone.  If you don’t know what bukkake is, I don’t want to be your friend.
  • You will want to do it with Maggie Gyllenhaal.  If the statistics are right, you are probably going to see The Dark Knight this weekend.  Since I’m a loser, I went to a midnight showing last night.  I took away two things from the movie: 1) I shouldn’t have broken up with Maggie Gyllenhaal, she’s hot and her voice is sexy.  2) Heath Ledger is a really good Joker.  As 2SL’s brother so eloquently put the other night, “Man, I heard that Heath Ledger guy is really good in The Dark Knight… He’s really going places.”  Also, our good friend Burnsy is uber excited about this movie.  Go check out his Nerd Boner.
  • Somehow, people will continue to talk about Brett Favre.  Look, I’m not hating on Brett.  The guy had a change of heart, it happens to a lot of people.  But, does it need to be talked about to everyone at every moment of the day?  I was getting busy the other day with a fine female and she axed me what I thought the Packers were going to do with Favre.  Okay, that story isn’t true, but a friend of mine… him and her got it on!!  Whooooeeeee!!
  • The number of days until College Football starts will continue to get smaller.  Seriously, how close is it?  Six weeks?  I am definitely getting anxious.  Who doesn’t love Wisconsin playing on ESPN at noon, Doug Flutie just happy to be somewhere and twelve-team parlays?  Now I’m really anxious.  Also, this is the funniest thing I have seen all year.  Bar none. (link)
  • Billy Gillispie will watch you host The ESPY’S, then sleep with your girlfriend.  Justin Timberlake is living the dream right now.  Everything he does turns to gold, or platinum for that matter.  Like his music or not, the ladies fawn over his voice.  He has a decent acting career starting and for some reason ESPN hired him to host this year’s biggest show in sports awards.  Let’s be honest, though, the reason he’s awesome is that he could probably bang any female on the planet.  My sources tell me his latest female of choice is Jessica Biel.  I give him props for that, as she’s pretty hot.  Unfortunately for him, the only person who has bigger persuasion over the lady is Coach Billy Clyde.  Sorry JT, Billy will leave you a message after he bangs your girl:  Cry Me a River.

That’s it for the weekend in sports.  TGC, 2SL, BobWicket and I will be in Cincy tonight for Reds/Mets.  Enjoy your weekend and remember to stay hydrated, it’s hot out there!

What Do We Do Now?

June 20, 2008

When the NBA finals wrapped up on Tuesday and Tiger stopped being Tiger at least until next year, many of us were left wondering, what do we do now?  What do we watch?  How do we fill that uncontainable desire to “get our sports on?”  Sure there is baseball but we are smack in the middle of the baseball doldrums.  Games matter but we need more than just baseball.  There is of course the Euro Cup but come on……

So how do we as faithful sports enthusiasts pass the time and “get our sports on?”  Returning from my 3 month sabbatical I bring to you 5 things to help you pass the time this summer.

1.  Pick up a new sport.  Of course we here at APIAS.net recommend croquet or softball.  Unless you want to go Barry Bonds on us, spend your weekends at sporting complexes, drop thousands of dollars on matching softball equipment, drink beer in the parking lot, and drag your wife/girlfriend and kids to a tournament where obscenities, chest hair and jorts are the  norm, then we suggest croquet.

2. Spend time with your significant other and/or family…..HAHAHAHAHAHA!  Come on, that was too easy.

3. Read a book.  Of course that sounds crazy but believe it or not, we here at APIAS.net actually can and do read.  Here are a few suggestions to get you through the summer months.

  • My Life On A Napkin” by Rick Majerus
  • Seven Seconds Or Less” by Jack McCallum
  • Money Ball” by Billy Beane
  • Winning Everyday” by Lou Holtz – classic Holtz stories and motivational tactics.  It’s best to read outloud with a lisp to truly get the Holtz experience.
  • Eight Men Out” by Eliot Asinof

 

 

4.  Movies.  Dust off that old collection of classic sports movies or head to the store and start a collection.  Here are some greats that if you haven’t seen, you need to seriously evaluate your sports enthusiasm. 

  • Hoosiers” Is there a better basketball movie? No, there is not.
  • Rudy” Yes, I cry at the end, every time.
  • Remember The Titans
  • Bull Durham” – “Candlesticks always make a nice gift.”
  • Days of Thunder
  • A League of Their Own
  • Major League
  • Pistol: Birth of a Legend
  • Dazed and Confused”  It’s almost a sports movie…remember when the football coach says, “Don’t go gettin’ soft on me this summer, while you’re sittin’ by the pool, chasing the muff around.”

Side note:  Matthew McConaughey was born to play the role of David Wooderson.  Just like Sean Penn was born to play Spicoli.  Are there two better stoners in any movie?  No, and if you give me any character from Half Baked  your credit will be ruined.

5.  Count down the days to college football.  Yes, I said it, college football.  Just hang on for a few weeks then you can start talking practice, the talented freshmen, week one games and how drunk you will be before kickoff.  Ah yes, college football, our saving grace from this summer.

So there you have it, 5 things to help pass the time this summer.  In case that’s not enough there is still plenty of baseball.  Please note I have refrained from any Chicago Cubs homeristic remarks in an attempt to not jinx the northsiders.  Best of luck passing the summer months.

FWP: Things Are Sloooowing Down

June 20, 2008

fwp.jpgFearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

What a week!  Basketball (games) ended until the Olympics, a lot of interleague baseball, 91 holes of golf and I remember something about someone getting fired at 3:15 in the morning.  I actually had one of my better weeks from a prediction standpoint.  Tiger acually did win the US Open (no matter how hard I tried to jinx the bastard), the Mets gave up on the season (see: 3:15AM firing of manager), Chad Johnson’s ankle kept him off the football field, we haven’t heard another peep out of Tim Donaghy after his first little outburst and Billy Gillispie totally railed Cristiano Ronaldo’s girlfriend (sorry about that Cris, oh, and that loss to Germany yesterday).  Basketball ending means the long summer of baseball has begun.  Interleague play gives this weekend a little bit of extra flavor (spicy!).  There’s also a NASCAR road course race, Kentucky football fans set themselves up for a big letdown and EURO 2008 continues (it’s going to be a loooong summer).

  • The Mets season will hinge on this weekend in Colorado.  I know, I just said they’d given up on the season, but if they can just put a little run together…  Oh, who am I kidding?  The team with the fourth highest payroll in baseball is going to finish at .500.
  • Phil Mickelson will be forced to carry the PGA for the rest of 2008.  And with the extra holiday weight he’s been carrying around for the last decade it shouldn’t be too much of a problem.  The PGA desperately needs Mickelson to be in contention for the remaining two majors of the year, as Tiger won’t be in them.  I would also like for more shots of Phil’s wife, Amy.  Amy is a classy babe and is absolutely cougar-ific.
  • The Cubs will begin their slow descent back to reality.  It was a nice run in the beginning of the season for the Cubs, it really was.  Then, Alfonso Soriano never learned how to actually get out of the way of a ball that was going to hit him (but somehow, he manages to do this with every fly ball hit to him in left field).  After that, Carlos Zambrano’s shoulder gave out on him.  Their only saving grace is that they play in the WORST DIVISION IN BASEBALL!  Every team in the NL Central got swept except for the Brewers.  Incredible.
  • There will be big news for the site unveiled on Monday.  First of all, EDay has promised to mediate the results of the bet between Brubaker and I.  I’m just trying to get a new car.  Also, I believe we’ll be adding a new writer to the APIAS staff.  Whatever happened to that 2ndStoryLloyd guy anyway?
  • Jeff Gordon will win the race in Sonoma.  It’s a road course.  One can only hope that means lots of wrecks and lots of drivers bitching at each other on the radio.  That is the best part of racing.  A road course also means the “Said-Heads” will be out in full force.  Boris Said is the Bob Ross lookalike who dominates on road courses.  Unfortunately for Boris, his wife probably doesn’t look like Jeff Gordon’s.  Why would Ingrid Vandebosch marry a douche like Jeff Gordon?
  • Morgan Newton will never sign with the University of Kentucky.  The LHL is reporting today that highly touted 2009 QB, Morgan Newton, is considering Kentucky for college.  Unfortunately for the Cats, South Carolina is also listed in his favorites.  Let me think, when was the last time Steve Spurrier lost anything to UK?  That’s right.  Never.  Keep dreaming.
  • Willie Randolph will continue to try and keep his name relevant.  Look, I understand you weren’t let go in the most polite way ever.  But, you probably got a pretty nice buyout and get the rest of the summer to do nothing.  And you want to bitch about it?  Stop… just stop.
  • EURO 2008 will continue and no one will care.  There’s nothing about this that appeals to Americans.  First of all, it’s soccer.  Second of all, with the name EURO in the title, it’s just that much more unwatchable.  Plus, no more Nereida Gallardo (SFW) means I have no interest.
  • Billy Gillispie will go see Get Smart and then sleep with your girlfriend.  I’m talking to you, um, whoever it is that is lucky enough to be dating Anne Hathaway.  Get Smart has officially reached “I would definitely watch that while taking a nap on a Sunday afternoon” status.  Anne Hathaway has reached a much higher status for me that you probably don’t want to hear about.  But, we all know who will end up railing her, Coach Gillispie.  That guy has all the luck.

It’s summer, so even with a lacking sports schedule tap you should be able to enjoy yourself.  Grab a beer or twenty and go sit by a pool.  I know I will.

Tiger under knife, Smoothron now with 2 cars!

June 18, 2008

Breaking News out of the PGA Tour today.  Tiger will be missing the remainder of 2008 to undergo another knee surgery.

 As mentioned several times before, a certain wager was going to cost one of two prominent bloggers a car.

[4-11-08, FWP with Smoothron]  …because I may have a wager against APIAS.net friend, Brubaker, on if Tiger will win two or more Majors this year. 

 So Bru, hope collegehoops.net is paying well this summer.  As for a salesperson to assist you in finding your new ride, I recommend Megan from Courtesy on Wheels.

More on this story as smooth wakes up to get the news…

[Fox News]