Archive for the ‘Drunk’ Category

TAGMAT!: Watch Out Weekend!

October 2, 2008

TAGMAT (They are giving money away today!) is a weekly column done every week by APIAS.net’s resident gambling addict, Smoothron.  This site in no way advocates gambling, especially excessively.  Smoothron’s degenerate friend, who will refer to as Casino Bobby also gives you his picks for the week.  If we can tell you anything, bet against both of them and you should be able to retire within the first month of the season.

Of course, like every other prediction I make, when I said last weekend’s college football wouldn’t be up to par you should have known it would turn the whole landscape upside down.  Although, you really should have known about USC, that was about the only thing I have picked right all year.  Last weekend is gone, so let’s look forward to this weekend.  This weekend begins one of the greatest gambling months of the year.  If you are so lucky to live in APIAS headquarters, you know that Keeneland opens on Friday.  The greatness of Keeneland has been discussed on this site many times, so if you don’t know yet about it, I guess we’ll just never reach you.  There’s just something special about being able to sit in the clubhouse at the racetrack, betting on horses, calling in bets to the football games you’re watching and getting absolutely hammered.  There’s really only one thing that can sum that up: God Bless America.

Let’s turn our attention back to college football, though.  Two games have totally jumped off the page at me: WVU (-8) @ ECU a few weeks back and Wisconsin (-6) @ Michigan last weekend.  Obviously, being a Michigan fan, I didn’t touch that game, but pretty much everyone I talked to thought the Badgers were the lock of last weekend.  What does this mean?  It means that the people making the lines are getting smarter, which is not good for the casual bettor.  There was no reason West Virginia shouldn’t have gone into ECU and worked the Pirates.  Hell, I probably would have given double-digits in that game with WVU, but Vegas knows a hell of a lot more than most and that’s why they have more money than us.  The same thing happened with Wisconsin last weekend.  Shouldn’t they have beaten Michigan last weekend?  Absolutely, but someone knew something more than the public.  So, if I can say one thing, if a line looks too good to be true… it probably is.

On with the weekend.  This is the weekend we make it all back!  (more…)

APIAS Pickem Scramble Week 3: Woops I drank Smooth’s birthday

September 13, 2008

 

So this bad boy is going up late, and is being typed at 2:34 a.m. East Coast time on Saturday morning.  Regardless of the fact that we still have yet to see picks from 3 of the players… it’s still Smoothron’s birthday and BobWicket was making it rain in [LOCATION REDACTED].  Honestly, the fact that I can still work the keyborad should garner a standing ovation.

I would however like to apologize to Marikka’s and [FORMER KENTUCKY SHOOTING GUARD REDACTED]’s house for drinking all their beer.

Also Burnsy apparently just told Smooth via facebook chat (yeah… gay!) that all his roommates were trying to bang the same chick.  (While he was facebook chatting) Nice effort B.

Per Eday’s advice, I’ll throw this up on the front page.  Upon reading the email that reminded SPS participants that picks were due in a few hours, I got this back from sell-out and ESPN The Mag writer ERIC!!! ANGEVINE!!! (Extra P to those who knew him before, Yoda to those who discussed the post-Wilco Jay Farrar live on Super Monday.)

 To show you what a nerd I am, I have a to-do list for every day, and one of the items on it is APIAS.

Also, I think Holly’s winning.

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TAGMAT!: Let’s Just Start Making a List

September 11, 2008

TAGMAT (They are giving money away today!) is a weekly column done every week by APIAS.net’s resident gambling addict, Smoothron.  This site in no way advocates gambling, especially excessively.  Smoothron’s degenerate friend, who will refer to as Casino Bobby also gives you his picks for the week.  If we can tell you anything, bet against both of them and you should be able to retire within the first month of the season.

Well, that didn’t take long.  Throughout different gambling seasons, there are times to find a team that is good against the spread, and then there are teams/coaches you cannot bank on under any circumstance.  Last week, we found Gambling Enemy #1, in Sly Croom.  It didn’t take too long after that, to find #2.  My partner in kind-of-crime (depending on where you are), Casino Bobby, and I both absolutely loved West Virginia over East Carolina.  To me, it was the easiest bet of the weekend.  Vegas had overreacted to ECU’s beating of Virginia Tech the week before and West Virginia had the two best players on the field (Pat White and Noel Devine).  I was calling people, proclaiming West Virginia as the lock of the year (Sorry again, TGC, about that $9.86 gone out of your BetUS account).  Bill Stewart is going to run West Virginia into the ground faster than Bob Huggins will run his new Benz into a telephone pole after a long night in Morgantown.  Congratulations, Bill Stewart, you have joined an elite club of terrible football coaches that is sure to gain more members week by week.

It’s a fabulous week for college football.  Two historical top programs play each other when Michigan goes to Notre Dame, Georgia tries to make Spurrier be 0-2 in the SEC (already!!) and two of the best three coaches in the country face off.  Yes, Ohio State is going out to L.A. to play USC.  Not only do these teams both like beating the shit out of Michigan, but they also happen to be ranked in the top 5 in the country right now.  If there’s a big game like that, you can be sure that CB and I are taking opposite sides.  Jump along to win some straight cash, homey.

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TAGMAT!: Let’s At Least Learn Something

September 4, 2008

TAGMAT (They are giving money away today!) is a weekly column done every week by APIAS.net’s resident gambling addict, Smoothron.  This site in no way advocates gambling, especially excessively.  Smoothron’s degenerate friend, who will refer to as Casino Bobby also gives you his picks for the week.  If we can tell you anything, bet against both of them and you should be able to retire within the first month of the season.

Ahh, the tale of two weeks.  Casino Bobby gives you three winners and one outright loser.  I give you one winner and three outright losers.  If you’re actually investing in these picks, I hold nothing against you when you bet against me.  It actually makes a lot of sense at this point.  I thought perhaps after a nine-month sabbatical I could have at least won one week, alas it wasn’t to be.  The SEC goes 10-2 overall on the weekend, and somehow I pick the two losers of the weekend.  Unreal.

Well, as a good friend acquaintance of mine likes to say, “Back in the game!!!”  Am I going to let a poor Week 1 showing stop me?  Of course not.  The world is full of analogies filled with people bouncing back after a poor start.  I am not going to take the time to look them up right now, but you get the idea.  If anything, there has to be a lesson taken from a poor start.  The lesson, as always, is to NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES bet on Sly Croom.  I should have known better, but that’s a Week 1 mistake and one that I will not make again.  Now that we’ve all learned something, let’s jump along to the picks.

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TAGMAT!: So it Begins

August 27, 2008

TAGMAT (They are giving money away today!) is a weekly column done every week by APIAS.net’s resident gambling addict, Smoothron.  This site in no way advocates gambling, especially excessively.  Smoothron’s degenerate friend, who will refer to as Casino Bobby also gives you his picks for the week.  If we can tell you anything, bet against both of them and you should be able to retire within the first month of the season.

I am so excited to be able to gamble again.  Yes, I’m aware that gambling is allowed on sports other than college football, but this is the official start of the gambling season.  Get excited!  With no games to recap from the last week, I’ll go ahead and share a story about where the title of this column came from.  Let me take you back to Keeneland, April of 2006.  Casino Bobby, BobWicket, cp22bru, Casino Bobby’s mom and a cast of thousands are tailgating before heading into the races.  I put down about 20 beers in two hours and embarrassed myself incredibly in front of CB’s mom.  Quite impressive, of course.  Somehow, I managed to find my way to the track and was coherent enough to place and win a few bets.  CB and Bru are looking for me and spot me from a balcony looking down at the paddock.  “Smooth!  What the hell are you doing??”  I look up, perplexed, and then realize these are my friends.  “Boys, they are giving money away today!”  I, of course, had won about $37.  Regardless, that’s how we’re looking at this season:  they’re just going to give us the money.  Follow along after the jump if you want to live like Turtle for the rest of your life.

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FYCFP: The Time Has Come

August 25, 2008

Typically, I write FWP on Fridays predicting what will transpire over the weekend.  I am stepping things up and am going out on a limb to predict what is going to happen this year in college football.  If you’ve spent any time around this site, you know we are huge college football fans and love the four months over which it spans.  What’s not to love about the upcoming football season?  There are no less than eight teams with legitimate national title hopes and a bunch of guys gunning for the Heisman Trophy.  Who will come out on top?  Let’s find out…

  • The preseason #1 team in the country (Georgia) will not finish the season at the same place.  Hey, the talent that Georgia has is second to none.  Matt Stafford at QB is solid and the Moreno kid at RB is just nasty.  They were playing as good as anyone in the country at the end of last year, but their schedule is ridiculous.  They play at South Carolina (rivalry game), at #15 Arizona St., #24 Alabama, at #7 LSU, #5 Florida in Jacksonville and at #10 Auburn.  That’s a damn gauntlet, but that’s the curse of playing in the SEC.  If Richt can get double-digit wins with that schedule, he should get a medal.
  • Mark Mangino will eat more doughnuts than could fit in Memorial Stadium.  Yes, for those of you know didn’t know (I had to Wiki it), the Jayhawks play at Memorial Stadium.  Mangino is a favorite around the site, because of his mammoth size.  What a fat bastard!  The Jayhawks were a one-hit wonder last year and I look for them to plummet quickly back to Earth.  This will cause Adidas to make the largest pullover in history as Mangino copes by investing even more money in Krispy Kreme.
  • The winner of the Ohio State/USC game on September 13 will play in the national championship.  I love the fact that these teams are playing this game.  Neither team is scared to play a big game early in the year.  Ohio State has played a home-and-home with Texas in the last few years and USC had one with Nebraska.  Both teams play in conferences which are subpar, so the winner is in the driver’s seat to the title game.  If Ohio State is that winner (which I think they will be), the entire country may vomit if they have to watch them play in the national championship game again.

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Blogging Without Television (The First Week)

August 19, 2008

Harold Wilson is thought to have said, “A week is a long time in politics.”  For the current administrations of Georgia, Russia, and the U.S. this may never have been more true.  Well, we don’t do politics over here (for stuff like that check out our boys at Red, White and Dude) but if you ask me I’d say, “A week is a long damned time without any TV in your house.”

Yes, it’s been just a shade over a week since the old cable boxes were turned in and my sweet plasma tee vee has set motionless since.  Well, except for when SmoothRon or myself were playing MLB08: The Show on it.  In any event, I missed a lot of great sporting events this week.  I also actually found a way to catch a few sporting events as well.  For the run down of my first week going cold turkey jump with me.

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FWP: The ‘Whoops!’ Edition

August 8, 2008

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Yes, friends, “Whoops!”  The word has so many meanings, for so many situations.  Perhaps you stayed out in the sun too long, whoops!  Perhaps you stayed in too long (everyone’s been there before), WHOOPS!  Or, maybe you botched your un-retirement so poorly that you are now stuck playing for the Jets, whoops!  Today, we salute you, “Whoops!” for always being there for us.  Slow week around these parts.  You know the old adage, “When TGC’s away, the rest of the morons just won’t write.”  Well, that was about what happened.  Sorry for the lack of content, but you know we’re just building up all our good ideas for the beginning of college football which is just around the corner.  We do have baseball, road racing and the Olympics to kill the time until then.  Liftoff…

  • No one in their right mind will be able to figure out what the hell the Mets are doing on the baseball diamond.  Win some, lose some… who cares?  The only thing known for sure is that Billy Wagner won’t be pitching and the make-shift bullpen will.  Yay for not doing jackshit at the trade deadline!  The Phillies (first place in respective division) just made a trade with the Cubs (first place in respective division), but the Mets are fine to sit pretty.  It’s like this is the same franchise that fired their manager at 3AM.
  • Tony Gordon will win the race at Watkins Glen.  You know Tony Gordon right?  He’s the guy who has won 8 of the last 11 races at WG, but hasn’t won all year and desperately needs a win?  Wait, hold on, someone is telling me something.  Oh, it’s two different people: Tony Stewart and Jeff Gordon.  So sorry, well good luck boys.  Because, you know, you need it.  Hotter wife status goes to Gordon, so here’s a picture of the beautiful Ingrid Vandebosch.
  • The Chinese government will do something insane.  Does this really need to be said?  They have like 20% of the world in one country, dictate everything anyone can do, but they get to host the most watched television program of all time?  I see no way this can go wrong.
  • You will get your Daily Dicky and love every second of it.  After his diatribe about dreaming about Matt Stafford at SEC Media Days, UK has decided to capitalize on their mildly insane WR (and EDayStat’s favorite Cat of all-time) by putting a video of him up every day.  You can find the DD right here.  This will surely not backfire in UK’s face.
  • Josh Smith will fade into Bolivian.  Thanks, Iron Mike for the quote.  Seriously J-Smoove?  Memphis?  The same place as the Grizzlies?  Enjoy!  Also, without their two Joshes (Smith and Childress) next year, the Hawks should be about as competitive in the NBA as our rec league team would be.
  • You will go see Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 and be surprised.  No, don’t get me wrong, it still sucks very much as a movie.  But, (yes, I went) I totally thought I would go and fawn over the lovely Blake Lively the entire time.  However, Alexis Bledel truly caught my eye.  She’s not Rory from Gilmore Girls anymore!  Oh, you’ve not seen that either, huh?  Well, she’s hot and her IMDB Trivia says she loves the World Equestrian Games.  They are in Lexington in less than two years, this may be meant to be.
  • Brett Favre will hate city life.  Why?  Hmm… if he thought Rachel Nichols hung around too much, wait until the NY media is following him around like that even when this charade isn’t going on.   How about the fact that he’s playing for the Jets?  The Jets.  Gosh, they really suck.  Also, NYC smells like shit.
  • The US Olympic Basketball team will kick China’s ass.  That is something I look forward to.  Waking up Sunday morning, brushing off that hangover while watching Kobe put his nuts in Yao’s face.  And then maybe he’ll dunk on him, too!  Also, I will refuse to ever call them, “The Redeem Team.”  EVER.
  • Your live-blogging needs will be filled.  For our lack of writing this week, EDay and I will be live from the Back Porch tonight giving our thoughts on the Mets, A’s, Tigers, Cubs and any-and-everything else you could want to know.  Stay tuned.
  • Billy Gillispie will laugh at engagement rumors and then sleep with your girlfriend.  I’m talking to you, John Mayer.  Sure, Room for Squares was a pretty good album.  But, then you went all electronic and got way too show-offy.  Also, the faces you make when you play are just uncomfortable.  Even still, you’ve managed to bang a lot of hot chicks in Hollywood and Jennifer Aniston is no exception.  But, as we all know, Billy G laughs in the face of relationships and sleeps with whomever he damn well pleases and I’m sure your girlfriend is no exception.  If I were you, I would head on down to city hall, because Coach BCG is not into breaking up marriages.

That’s all for this week.  It was unexpected, shorter than I thought it would be and not that good (obligatory…), but that’s what you’ve got.  Also, I would have mentioned the PGA Championship, but who even knew that was going on through all this Favre drama?  Sergio wins.  Peace!

 

(Ed Note from eDayStat:  Sorry to jack the bottom of your thread SmoothRon, but everyone stay tuned for a new, ongoing project starting on Monday.  It is sure to be a train wreck (much like the A’s season blog) but surely it should be good for a few laughs.)

FWP: He’s Back… Momentarily

August 1, 2008

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Gangstaaas, what’s up guys?  Another week without me last week?  Did you cope okay?  Well, I was involved in getting my good friend, Buffalo, hitched.  Luckily, EDay was gracious enough to step in and pinch-hit for me.  This has obviously been a big week, with all the MLB trades going down.  Manny is taking his act to Hollywood (get it, act… Hollywood…), Griffey Jr. curiously goes to the White Sox and this happened.  Today actually is TGC’s birthday, I wish I could get him the one thing he really wants: a man sandwich with 2SL and I this trade to be undone.  I have some calls in to Dave Dombrowski and Brian Cashman, I’ll see what we can do.  No decisions have been made on if our site will have a new name due to the catastrophic event.  Let’s just move on to the weekend: baseball, NASCAR and an old friend of FWP makes a less than triumphant return.  It’s go time…

  • The Mets will continue to… what is it they do again?  Seriously, they play well, then they don’t, then they win ten in a row… who knows what the hell is going on?  Some wins against the Astros would help this weekend, since there was obviously no help needed at the trade deadline!?  The bullpen of Aaron Heilman, Joe Smith and a bunch of other fuck-ups will surely be good enough in September again.
  • Having Olympic fever, Carl Edwards will win at Pocono on Sunday.  Oh, Hot Carl, how we loathe you and all your douche-ness.  The biggest thing I’ve never been able to figure out is how you pull hot chicks.  You look like a tool, sound like a tool and really are just a humongous tool.  Either way, you once dated Amanda Beard and her upcoming 4th Olympics will propel you to victory.
  • Brett Favre will not exactly keep you riveted.  Blah blah blah.  Is this shit over yet?  25 million bucks NOT to play football?  Deal.  Signed, sealed, delivered I’m yours… right, Stevie?
  • The US Olympic Basketball team will impress you.  Watch them.  This team is much better than any team the US has put on the court since 1996.  Kobe, LBJ, Carmelo and a very healthy looking D-Wade have looked very impressive in two exhibitions.  Their biggest ‘flaw’ is they over-pass on occasion.  Take that flaw any day of the week.
  • Chris Henry will get arrested.  No kidding.  What a clown.  Moving on.
  • Natalie Gulbis will win the Women’s British Open.  Actually, at last check, she was only three shots off the lead.  But, Natalie is known for much more than just her golf skills.  She’s also smart.  Ha, only joking, it’s because she’s hot.  Also, I will find any way in the world to put this picture up.  Good gosh almighty.
  • Josh Jarboe will find a new home.  You probably don’t know who Jarboe is, but he just got kicked off of Oklahoma’s football team (first time that’s ever happened).  Josh, I’d just like to say there’s a school in Ann Arbor, MI that would love to have you.  Plus, you can carry your gun around wherever you like.  Also, there’s a chance that Shav Beaver will be throwing the ball to you next year.
  • EDay will keep the countdown going towards college football.  The A’s haven’t exactly kept E enthralled with the baseball season since unloading their entire starting pitching staff, so he’s uber-excited about the Cats and Cards on August 31.  Just remember: bourbon at 10AM, grill starts at 2PM and bourbon again at 10PM.
  • Big Brown will not win the Haskell.  Oh yes, our good friend is back.  Big Fucking Brown.  He’s gotten a lot of pub around these parts.  He was mentioned here and here and here; then laughed at your ass here.  Well, Atoned is going to kick your ass at Monmouth on Sunday and I cannot wait.  Big Brown, “From Horse of the Year to the glue factory in only two months!”
  • No man in their right mind will go see Mamma Mia.  Amanda Seyfried could make me do a lot of things.  She was really dumb-sexy in Mean Girls, she’s really innocent-sexy in Big Love and most of all she is just sexy.  However, she’s not sexy enough to make me go watch a musical.  Close, but she’s not Blake Lively, for her I would do anything.
  • Billy Gillispie will coach against your sixth grade AAU team, then sleep with your girlfriend.  Okay, that’s a little gross, but he will sleep with your mom for sure.  Yes, Coach G is going to coach Robby Albarado and Kent Desormeaux against the Texas Titans.  Apparently, the jockeys won last year.  I say the Titans get them this year as BCG will probably be checking out the ladies a little more than he’ll be coaching.  Kids, warn your mothers or you may have a new daddy.

That’ll do.  Have a good weekend.  Drink some brews and sit by some sort of water.  Also, find TGC and wish him a happy birthday.

Paging The General: 34 Days

July 29, 2008

So we all know that the best looking girls are in the SEC… and we also all know that the best looking girls in the SEC hail from (tie) Tennessee and Kentucky, (2) Athens, GA, and (3) Gainesville, FL–Columbia, SC in a close 4th.  But do we have an interview of a newby blonde explaining the misunderstanding of the word tailgaiting?  No! Not until we head back to Knoxville.   It’s okay Lindsey… Lindsay? Whatever.

Some people say it’s only 30 days ’til football season.  Well jackasses, I disagree.  Football season starts Labor Day Night.

Only 34 Days til chasing JD with Pepto, calling in sick on Tuesday, discreetly haniging orange out your Kentucky-alum-roommate’s window, and 24 in a row!

“Volunteer Football 2008 – Straight Outta Cromtpon”