Archive for the ‘Drunk’ Category

FWP: What Could UK do to Surprise You?

February 27, 2009

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Has the basketball team at the University of Kentucky officially entered Plaxico Burress territory?  When Plax shot himself in the leg a few months ago, the APIAS crew debated what Burress could do at that point that would surprise anyone.  There weren’t many things that we could come up with other than, “Plaxico Burress will be a model citizen and will never be heard from again except for on-field accomplishments.”  With the latest situation regarding AJ Stewart… is he on the team? is he off the team?  did he quit?  did Gillispie kick him off?… has UK gotten to that point?  What can UK do to surprise anyone?  Hell, they went to Columbia the other night to play South Carolina in their biggest game of the year and got absolutely drubbed.  They have beaten Tennessee twice by 15+ points.  They lost to VMI.  Billy Gillispie has caused an outrage by not being nice to a sideline reporter.  Kevin Galloway has gone from outhouse to penthouse to outhouse to penthouse to outhouse to white girl’s house to penthouse to outhouse to still be continued.  DeAndre Liggins refused to go into a game.  Jodie Meeks scored 54 points in a game.  They got beat on a shot from Edgar Sosa from the volleyball line at the buzzer in Louisville.  And now, they have the AJ Stewart situation.  KSR, as usual, was on top of things last night.  As of post time for FWP, there’s still no official word from UK on the situation.  Who the hell knows anymore?  They could lose by 30 or win by 30 tomorrow, and neither would really surprise me.  UK Basketball 2009… feel the excitement!

If the drama of a mediocre sophomore doesn’t excite you, there are other things going on this weekend.  Spring training baseball has begun, free agency in the NFL got off to a ridiculous start, a golf tournament that looks like March Madness, NASCAR goes to Vegas and one NBA team makes an interesting move. 

  • ingridvandeboschJeff Gordon will win the NASCAR race in Las Vegas.  First, hats off to Matt Kenseth for winning the first two races of the year.  That’s something that doesn’t get done very often and that guy should be congratulated.  One thing he should not be congratulated for is his wife, Katie.  Dude, you’re a millionaire NASCAR driver… you have to do better.  One person who did realize their fame and used it accordingly is Mr. Gordon.  He bagged Ingrid Vandebosch for the sole reason that he is rich and famous.  Helll, I’d be okay with it too.  Look at her!  Who cares why she’s with him.  Obviously, Gordon is a lucky dude.  Vegas will be very very good for #24.
  • The Boston Celtics will begin to implode.  Seriously, Boston?  The Celtics have the best trio in the league and a great up-and-coming PG, so why the hell are they trying to kill every good thing they have going?  Yes, I know the Patriots got Randy Moss and he became a stud again who didn’t give up on plays that often, but the Celtics are NOT the Patriots.  Let me say that differently, Doc Rivers is NOT Bill Belichick.  That’s kind of like comparing a coach at the YMCA to Vince Lombardi.  Moss knew when he went to New England that they weren’t going to take any of his crap.  Marbury will do whatever the hell he wants and Doc will be too dumb to do anything.  I hate to say it, but Marbury will get in the way and they won’t win the NBA Championship.
  • Redskins fans will get a false sense of hope.  Good job, Daniel Snyder!  Once again, you have made terrible offseason moves.  Albert Haynesworth is coming off injuries and just got signed for QB money.  The ‘Skins also signed DeAngelo Hall for $40 million.  If you remember correctly, Hall was cut by the Raiders last fall.  The worst franchise in pro sports cut the guy and you’re giving him all that money, I’m sure this will all work out!  Another last place finish in the division is definitely in the cards for Washington.
  • 73704029RB173_The_Masters_RPhil Mickelson will win the match play tournament.  Hell, I don’t know all the sponsors for the thing.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Phil and I live very similar lives.  He’s left-handed, so am I.  He has brown hair, I have brown hair.   He loves to gamble, I’ve made a wager or two in my life.  He regularly shoots under par, I usually shoot under par when I play putt-putt.  He dresses well, I dress better.  He has a smoking hot wife, I like to look at his smoking hot wife.  For all these reasons, I hope Lefty wins this weekend.  Also, Amy Mickelson is sexy.
  • Connecticut politicians will waste your money.  How the Jim Calhoun story is still in the news, I have no idea, but now politicians in CT are calling for the governor to reprimand him?  Give me a gosh darn break (sorry for the salty language).  The whole reason this got brought up is because the state of Connecticut is in economic shambles and now they’re going to waste their time on punishing a basketball coach for telling a photographer to “shut up.”  Whatever happened to freedom of speech?  I will blindly blame Barack Obama.
  • Spring training baseball will make you wish you lived in Florida.  At least, that’s how I feel.  Imagine if you were retired, lived in Florida and could go watch spring traning games all February and March long.  Oh to be old and almost dead… you lucky old bastards.  Seriously, though, the WBC starts at 4AM Thursday morning.  TGC and EDay are planning on live-blogging it.  My live blog will be of me cutting trees down.
  • lsugirlsBilly Gillispie will deny you from clinching the SEC title, then sleep with your girlfriend.  Like I said before, I have no idea what the hell is going to happen with this basketball team, but I really want them to win, so a guy can hope, right?  Sideshow Bob Trent Johnson brings an LSU team to Lexington that only has one SEC loss and is the only ranked SEC team.  That’s not as impressive when you remember they play in the SEC West.  They, of course, have a Temple on their team… and that’s not even a Jewish joke.  Seeing as UK got drilled the other night, one can only assume they’ll come out and play their greatest game of the year.  What the hell else would make sense?  Also, for those ladies still riding the Mardi Gras high, watch out for BCG!

Golf, baseball, basketball, beers.  Weekend.  Cheers!

FWP: All-Star Edition

February 13, 2009

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Who doesn’t love the NBA’s All-Star Weekend?  Friday night gives us the “Celebrity Game.”  The word ‘celebrity’ should be used VERY liberally with the likes of James Denton (Desperate Housewives), Zach Levi (Chuck, the show which I still claim that 2SL is the only person in America who watches) and Rick Fox (LA Lakers legend).  Now, I don’t usually throw around the word ‘legend’ like that, especially when it concerns Rick Fox. did that for me!  When I think of the Lakers, it usually goes: Chamberlain, Jerry West, Kareem, Magic and after about 1,200 other players, I might think of Rick Fox.  Are they serious with that?  Friday also features the Rookie vs. Sophomore game, which is a glorified playground game.  Saturday night has the skills competition, dunk contest, 3-point contest and the new addition, HORSE.  HORSE should be awesome, unless the NBA finds a way to screw it all up.  And then on Sunday, the actual game.  I love the All-Star game, mainly because the 4th quarter of the game is the best basketball you can watch all year long.  There’s plenty of other stuff going on: college hoops, a Valentine’s Day tradition has its 5th birthday and NASCAR returns.

  • chandrajohnsonJimmie Johnson will win the Daytona 500.  Hell, why wouldn’t he?  The guy is absolutely dominating his sport, so he may as well win the biggest race of the year.  Also, am I the only one who thinks it’s dumb that NASCAR has its biggest race of the season first?  Shouldn’t the racing season gear up to the biggest event and now ramp down from it?  Just a thought… here’s another thought, Chandra Johnson is hot.  How did a tool like Jimmie bag her? 
  • Jason Kapono will win his third straight 3-point contest.  Larry Bird is not walking through that door!  Seriously, this isn’t exactly a murderer’s row of shooters we have lined up for Saturday night: Kapono, Daequan Cook, Mike Bibby, Danny Granger, Rashard Lewis and Roger Mason.  Yeah, I’ll take the guy who’s won it two years in a row.
  • Big Beezy will dominate the Commodores, Vols will dominate the Commodores.  Come on people, there is still room on the Brian Williams bandwagon.  EDay showed us the other day what he could if he got more minutes.  Vanderbilt isn’t very good, so the Vols should continue their winning ways.  Vols 73 Vandy 59.
  • No one in America will watch Wisconsin/Ohio State.  ESPN isn’t dumb.  There’s a reason they chose to go to the Big 10 game the same night as All-Star Saturday.  Wisconsin 13 Ohio State 10.
  • Dwyane Wade will start making plans to move to NYC in 2010.  Yeah, nice work Miami, bringing in Jermaine O’Neal is definitely going to entice him to stay.  Wade definitley wants to play with a lazy, always injured center who’s past his prime.  LeBron and Wade to the Knicks, mark it down.
  • juliannaguillFriday the 13th will be a box office hit.  Why not?  It deserves its day, doesn’t it?  I’m not really into horror movies, but I do love the hot chicks that are in them.  In this instance, my new love is Julianna Guill.  HELLO!  I guess I should try and get her number so we can start dating.  Eh, I’ll wait until after All-Star weekend.
  • Rudy Fernandez will win the Dunk Contest.  I thought I was picking a dark horse when I picked Rudy, then someone told me he has almost half the votes on the poll.  Well, there goes my underdog scenario.  Here’s why he will win: Nate Robinson won’t get the opportunity to try dunks 48 times before actually putting the ball in the basket.  Dwight Howard won’t be able to just do lay-ups this year.  JR Smith isn’t smart enough.  Also, did you see Fernandez’s dunk in the Gold Medal game in August?
  • Baseball will keep inching closer.  I, for one, am ready.  This FWP is going to be damn near all basketball… not that that’s a bad thing.  I do love predicting a Mets’ sweep over a weekend then watching them lose and lose and lose.  Yay baseball!
  • Kevin Durant will win HORSE.  I love watching KD play and just feel like he’s going to win. also doesn’t have the list of the other participants and I am sick of looking around on the internet.
  • arkansasgirlBilly Gillispie will beat your basketball team and sleep with your girlfriend.  I’m talking to you Razorback fan.  Picture this… You get a big Valentine’s Day planned for you and your special lady.  You make her breakfast in bed, and surprise her with tickets to the big game against UK.  Dinner and romance are scheduled for after the game.  Sadly, your seats are just too good.  Billy G eyes your girlfriend the whole game and all of a sudden she’s “sick” and has to take a rain-check on the rest of VDay.  Whoops!  Add that to the fact that Jodie Meeks just dropped 43 on your team and that’s a rough day.  Also, your coach looks like 2SL.  Guess you shouldn’t have chosen to spend your college years in Fayetteville, Arkansas.  UK 78 Suuuueeeeeey 61.

Hey, don’t spend all weekend drinking beer and watching basketball, take care of your special lady as well.  Valentine’s 09 makes for the 5th year in a row one or part of the APIAS crew will be bowling with some unsuspecting whores.  It’s a great tradition.  Drink up!

FWP: No Football, No UK… More Beer

February 6, 2009

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Hmm… last weekend was… interesting.  The Cats didn’t show up at home against the Cocks (in what is starting to look like a trend), the Vols dismantled the Gators and the refs won the Super Bowl.  Seriously, the NFL puts on the biggest game of the season and can’t give us good refs?  A game of that magnitude decided by people who are obviously incompetent is a damn joke and a slap in the face to viewers.  And I guess it is possible that I’m a little upset that I don’t live in Tucson and didn’t get to see the porno during the boring zebra show.  The game showed so many black stripes I thought it was being played in the damn Safari Jungle.  I keep trying to think of other ways to rip the Super Bowl, but I’ve kind of lost them all and it was five days ago so it’s not exactly relevant.  There is stuff going on this weekend, even without a real football game or even a UK basketball game.  College hoops is in full swing, baseball will inch closer, the Celtics will put up 200 in New York and it’s Pro Bowl weekend!!! 

  • auburngirlsBrian Williams will once again lead the Vols to victory.  Can my favorite big man in the country not get some pub from the national media?  The dude’s only been playing hoops for a couple years and is developing into a hell of a player.  Plus, he gives America hope… at least more than Barack Obama does.  The game won’t be pretty, mainly because it’s being played in Auburn and Auburn follows the SEC West rule: All teams’ gyms’ lights must be set to dim.  The Tigers keep it close for a while, but can’t match Big Beezy or the rest of the Vols’ athleticism.  Vols 76 Tigers 68.
  • Rich Rodriguez will hope and pray that his freshmen will be ready to contribute in seven months.  Will Campbell and Tate Forcier are both already on campus and are the two most needed contributors from Rivals #7 class.  Campbell is a 5-star DL and is a physical specimen.  Forcier is a dual-threat QB who expects to compete for the starting job.  Can we all hope and pray these guys are ready?  I mean, who really wants to see the Buckeyes win again?
  • The Celtics will absolutely crush the Knicks tonight.  The C’s got screwed by the refs last night, KG’s last foul was an abomination.  So now, the defending champs are going into the arena that has given us two of the best performances of the year in back-to-back games… and not by Knick players.  In case you don’t watch the NBA, NY isn’t exactly known for its defensive prowess so this could get ugly quickly.  Boston wins by 30+.
  • aishwarya-rai-bachchan-may-17-3The Pink Panther 2 will come out, not be as good as the cartoon.  Can we stop making old-school cartoons into movies?  When was this ever a success?  The Flintstones, Scooby Doo, yeah… exactly.  Steve Martin used to be a funny guy.  We’re talking about the guy who was in The Jerk!  The guy was classic on SNL and now he’s doing this.  As TGC always says, “The economy’s rough on everybody.”  If you do for some reason go see this “film,” check out Aishwarya Rai.  The former Miss World is also in the movie and also to the right.  Look at the pretty girl, now keep reading.
  • The World Baseball Classic will inch closer, making all of us desperate for baseball.  If you haven’t already, a nice way to pass the time at work is to check out all the rosters for the WBC.  There are a lot of questions that come out of the rosters.  How is Japan so good with so few MLBers?  How is Venezuela so damn stacked?  Can the Dominican Republic be stopped?  Could I actually make Australia’s roster?  Answers to come soon.
  • Lane Kiffin will NOT make a trip to Gainesville.  I’ve got a thin line to walk here, seeing as Vol homers and a Gator homer all write for the site.  Is Kiffin making any friends by spouting off like that?  No, not with other SEC coaches, but he is getting the alumni and Vol fans excited about football again after a very long year.  The only thing I would advise is to not make up recruiting violations… also, don’t be upset when Tebow is throwing TD passes late in the 4th quarter of an 84-3 game.
  • hawaiiangirlBilly Gillispie will take a weekend off, fly out to Hawaii to watch the Pro Bowl and then sleep with your girlfriend.  Why does UK have a random Saturday off in the middle of conference play?  Maybe a three game losing streak was planned by BCG to get a week full of practice before a HUGE game against Florida.  The game against the Gators could be what gets the Cats in the tournament, or keeps them out.  Yikes.  On the other hand, its the Pro Bowl on Sunday night!  Woohoo!  If you like NFL players going half speed, not tackling and wanting to be at the beach… this game is totally for you!  It’s going to be the swan song for Hawaii and this event.  I’m not sure what the 500 fans who attend every year will do without this.  Surely, they can find some hot Hawaiian chicks to hang out with.

If that’s not enough entertainment for you this weekend, surely you can take bong hits with Michael Phelps!  Oh Snap!  WEEKEND!

FWP: What a Super Weekend

January 30, 2009

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

The Super Bowl is Sunday, what else can I say?  Well, actually, can I even say that?  Apparently, NBC and its advertisers are the only people who can actually use the words, “Super Bowl.”  That is one of the single dumbest things ever.  As if when ABC advertises its Wipeout Bowl: Cheerleaders vs. Couch Potatoes to come on, “…after the big game on Sunday night,” no one will know what the hell they’re talking about.  Oh, you mean they’re NOT talking about the North Carolina State at Virginia Tech women’s college basketball game on Sunday afternoon (FoxSportsSouth)?  Seriously?  That isn’t the big game they’re talking about?  Even dumber than that may be that churches supposedly aren’t allowed to advertise, “Super Bowl Parties.”  You don’t have to like church to know that’s idiotic.  The “big game” isn’t the only thing going on this weekend, though.  UK hosts South Carolina, Tennessee hosts GameDay and Florida, the most unlikely trend in America takes over and there are hot women to ogle.  Sweet.  Yep…

  • utgirlsVol fans will need directions to Thompson-Boling Arena.  When most Knoxvillians (Knoxvillites?) heard GameDay was coming to town, they figured the football Vols were so important that ESPN would send them down just to be there.  Sadly, they were mistaken and are now left to have to wake up early to go inside (and have to sneak Jack in).  All the hoopla aside, the Vols desperately need a win.  They’ve lost two in a row at home and four out of their last five there.  I remember a trip to the Winch last year when the Gators came to K-town and got their ass run.  Hopefully, the same will happen again (for TGC’s health’s sake).  Vols 84 Gators 73.
  • The Snuggie will take over the world.  Are you people fucking serious?  The fucking Snuggie?  That thing has sold 4 MILLION products?  This must be a damn joke.  Hmm… a warm thing with sleeves?  Ever try a sweater?  Or putting on a robe backwards?  Who in the hell wants to look like a druid while sitting around watching TV?  I am absolutely stunned.  I have nothing else to say, ever, about the fucking Snuggie.
  • The APIAS headquarters might not be covered in ice.  Ice and snow really suck, unless you’re in school and you get out because there is so much.  Sadly, your APIAS contributors are all past their schooling prime… except of course for 2SL.  Everyone’s favorite student teacher has done nothing all week.  Congratulations.
  • The Cardinals will win the Super Bowl.  There is no stopping Kurt Warner and Jesus.  Let’s look at this analytically; Florida won the first championship of the year.  Who is their media darling?  Tim Tebow, who loves Jesus.  Who is the Cardinals’ media darling?  Kurt Warner, who loves Jesus.  Take the Cardinals on the moneyline and make yourself a lot of money.  Just don’t forget to give 10% of your winnings to JC.
  • ariellekebbelThe temptation of The Uninvited will not be strong enough to get you to set down your beer.  Can I be honest?  I have no clue anything about this movie, except for one thing.  Arielle Kebbel (the future Mrs. Smoothron) stars in it.  The Uninvited is not good enough to watch at the theaters, but if Arielle’s other films are any indication, it will be great for a Sunday afternoon.  I don’t like to admit this too often, but John Tucker Must Die is strangely re-watchable.  Arielle Kebbel is sexy, look at the picture, then let’s move on.
  • UConn will be the next team to claim the #1 spot in college hoops.  A game against Providence is the only thing standing between the Huskies and the top spot in all the land.  Of course, they go to Louisville on Monday and will probably give the ranking back up, but it will be fun for the four hours they have it. 
  • Johan Santana will get a little more ready for Spring Training.  Baseball is almost here.  The nights of a patio full of guys, laptops (labtops) on their… laps, beers in their hands, watching their favorite baseball team on (using the same username) and enjoying life are almost upon us.  I can’t wait.
  • Something will seem like a good idea, it won’t be.  Sometimes, I get upset when I drink.  It might be a sporting event gone awry, running out of beer or an ex-girlfriend which makes me irate; but it happens.  Often, I like to release this anger, and my old phone (The Tank 2005-2008 R.I.P.) took the brunt of my ire.  Sadly, I got a new phone which probably won’t do so well if I throw it across the living room.  Last weekend, a jump-kick to my recliner seemed like the best idea at 1AM.  One broken elbow (is that even possible??) later… Whoops.
  • cocksrockhahaBilly Gillispie will make fun of your hat, then sleep with your girlfriend.  Remember when those white hats were really in style for frat boys?  Did they go out of frat style?  The “cool” ones were from Oregon State (Beavers), Fordham (FU) and South Carolina (Cocks).  I had none.  The Cocks come to Lexington tomorrow for their annual beatdown in KY.  Darrin Horn (Tates Creek alum) will not enjoy his first trip as a Cock to Rupp.  The Cats are coming off a terrible effort against Ole Miss the other night and are looking to take some aggression out by beating the Cocks handily.  Watch out after the game, as always, for BCG.  He’s especially ready to rail your girlfriend after a loss.  Who the hell would leave Columbia, SC anyway?  Go to the Horseshoe, play your guitar and smoke a bowl… not that I’ve ever done that.

It could be one long weekend if you plan on drinking tonight (you know, because it’s Friday), all day tomorrow (Cats @ 3PM, Vols @ 9PM) and Super Sunday (Super Sunday).  Enjoy it all!

FWP: No F*#%ing Football

January 23, 2009

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Oh, it’s that dreaded week with no football.  The NFL, for some ridiculous reason, has a bye week between the conference championships and the Super Bowl.  Why in the hell?  I don’t think there is a good reason.  Oh!  But next year there will the Pro Bowl to fill our football needs!  Whatever, the Pro Bowl won’t help the void then and nothing helps fill it now… not even the NHL All-Star game, which is Sunday for those who didn’t know.  Oh, you don’t care?  Yeah, neither does the rest of America.  Hopefully a slate of college hoops, the dumbest discussion ever and the scent of baseball in the air will keep you occupied.  Yeah, let’s do this.

  • anaivanovicAna Ivanovic will not play tennis… and no one will be better for that.  How pissed are you if you flew all the way to Australia to see this hot Serbian babe play tennis and then she gets ousted early?  I wouldn’t be happy either.  Let’s be honest, the only reason Ana is being mentioned (let alone tennis for that matter) here is because she is smoking hot.  Take a look at the picture of the sexy Serb and then keep reading.
  • China will issue some crazy edict against its people.  Remember when Yao used to blow the rest of the NBAers out of the water in all-star voting?  It was never even close.  Now, Dwight Howard is the leading vote getting receiving all-star of all time and Yao finished 6th on the ballot.  This won’t go over well in the communist nation.  And, hey, Yi Jianlian didn’t even get voted in!!  There will be hell to pay, Chinese people!
  • The And1 tour will be broadcast on national television.  Yes, Memphis is playing at Tennessee on CBS!  Ooooh snap!  See what I did there?  They are both streetball teams, get it?   More seriously, there will be a lot of athletes on the court for this one.  More importantly though, is the matchup of Big Brian Williams and Pierre Henderson-Niles.  There will be about 600 lbs. of man throwing itself around when those two get together.  Memphis tries to play the revenge factor, but they just aren’t very good.  Vols win another close one, 81-76.
  • marisatomeiYou will probably go see The Wrestler.  I won’t, but you probably will.  I don’t like to let things like movies get in the way of my drinking, but apparently movies are what Americans do on weekend nights.  Who would have known?  Have they ever tried to drink 25 beers in a night?  You can’t go see a movie and drink 25 beers!  In other words, Marisa Tomei is in it and I have heard she has trouble keeping her clothes on in movies anymore.  Hell, maybe I’ll go see it on Recovery Sunday.
  • The dumbest sports debate of the year will rage on.  Waaaaaaaah!!!  We got beat 100-0, please feel sorry for us!  Please talk about us incessantly on sports talk radio.  Please rip the coach of a winning team for letting his girls play when… that’s what they’re supposed to do.  Take the quote of a mom on the LOSING team and publish it for the entire country to see, not that she would be biased or anything.  Whatever, get the fuck over it.  You suck at basketball.
  • Pitchers and catchers will start loosening up the arms.  Watch out, baseball is just around the corner.  You can see our cool counter to the right that tells you just how quick it’s coming.  I’m going out on a limb and predicting a Tigers/A’s ALCS and a Mets/Cubs NLCS.  The Mets will win the NL, of course, and whoever drinks more tonight between EDay and TGC can pick the winner of the AL.  BASEBALL!!!
  • alabamagirlsBilly Gillispie will come to your college town, beat your college basketball team, then sleep with your college girlfriend.  The Cats play in Tuscaloosa and Oxford back-to-back, so you better turn up the brightness on your television sets.  In other news, Ronald Steele has opted out of finishing his senior year at Alabama.  His AARP benefits kicked in, so he figured he could go ahead and start seeing the world.  Jodie gets 37, PatPat gets 22 and the Cats get 76.  Sadly (if you are a Tide fan), Bama will only get 65.  Also, I’m sure you’re really proud of that blonde girl you started dating last semester and it’s lasted all the way through second semester, but BCG is coming to town.  I wouldn’t let her out of sight.

Hell yeah!  Weekend!  Beer!  Exclamation points!

FWP: 54 Reasons To Be Alive

January 16, 2009

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Okay, I’m back.  After a sarcastic, “Do you still write for our blog?” from TGC, I decided to participate in the only thing that makes my week worth anything.  Really, the only reason I didn’t do FWP last week is because my work computer is a piece of shit.  And blogging while on the clock is just plain American.  If you want to check out my track record in 2009, it’s right here.  Needless to say, it’s not pretty.  TGC actually went so far as to post my record for the week.  Thanks again, asshole.  Anyway, enough about my landlord, my roommate… let’s move on.  This is a huge weekend for sports; conference championships in the NFL never disappoint.   ESPN is all about pimping out their games for you tomorrow, which are actually very good.  The UK Jodies travel to Athens and the Vols host some Cocks.  It’s also a long weekend for some, sadly the company I work for is racist so I have to work.  Giddyup.

  • cardinalcheerleaderThe Arizona Cardinals will secure a trip to the Super Bowl.  Yeah, I can’t believe I wrote that sentence either.  Who in the hell would have ever thought this was possible?  The Cardinals winning boils down to two things: 1) Brian Westbrook is NOT healthy.  2) The Arizona crowd is going to be absolutely nuts.  It was a good run for Donovan and Andy, but it ends in Phoenix… Tempe… Flagstaff… whatever.
  • Pittsburgh is going to throw Louisville around Freedom Hall like rag-dolls.  Samardo Samuels, Edgar Sosa and Terrence Williams (who I will never call T-Will, even though his own coach does) are soft as hell.  DeJuan Blair and Levance Fields are NOT soft at all and Sam Young will be the best player on the court.  Watching Pittsburgh play isn’t always the most enjoyable thing, but Jamie Dixon is a fantastic basketball coach and should be getting more respect than he is.  Panthers by double-digits and Rick Pitino ages four years.
  • Barack Obama will be everywhere.  Ugh.  Fuck.  Can it be four years from right now?  Please?
  • Jayma MaysYou will definitely not go see Paul Blart: Movie Cop.  Hmm, Kevin James… no Adam Sandler… a movie about a mall cop?  I don’t think so.  Not even the lovely Jayma Mays will get me out to see this, even if she is hot in the “I bet if I met her at a bar, I would have a little bit of a chance,” kind of way.  Okay, maybe I wouldn’t really have a chance… but I’m in quite a slump lately, so I have to dream.
  • The Vols are going to take out 54 points worth of vengeance on Darrin Horn.  I like Darrin Horn, we actually went to the same high school (graduated ten years apart, damn, I’m not as old as 2SL), but UT has got some pent-up anger from Tuesday night.  SC is in for quite the drubbing in Knoxville.  I expect Tyler, Bobby and Wayne (couldn’t those be three white lawyers’ names?) to absolutely go off.  Should be really good to watch.
  • Kobe is going to torch the Magic tonight in LA.  Sorry, I’m just not sold on the Magic at all.  First of all, their starting PG is Jameer Nelson.  Yes, the fat little bastard who was on that terribly overrated St. Joes team back in ’04.  Also, the Magic hit 23 3-pointers the other night, so they are due an off night.  Add that to the fact that Kobe passed to Trevor Ariza the other night at the end of the game and has had to hear abou it for two days and the Lakers are going to put on a show tonight.  If you’re not too drunk, do tune in.
  • The road will end for Jooooooe Flaaaccoooo.  Okay, I can’t do the Baltimore accent that SVP uses on Flacco’s name justice while typing, but you get the gist.  As much as I dislike the Steelers and think Ben Roethlisberger is ridiculously overrated, I just don’t think the Ravens have enough in the tank.  Pittsburgh is going to be absolutely bonkers on Sunday night.  Most of the factories in Pittsburgh will be closed on Monday so the nasty Steeler fans can get drunk all day.  Steelers by ten on a night of awesome hits.
  • georgia-girlsThe Cats will struggle for a bit, beat the Bulldogs and then Billy Gillispie will sleep with your girlfriend.  UK is bound to come out and not play well at the beginning of the game on Sunday afternoon.  First off, I think UGA uses candles to light their gym (along with almost every team in the SEC West).  Secondly, the game is at noon and I would say some of the UK players will put the Wild in Wildcat on Saturday night.  Thirdly, the national media has been sucking UK’s proverbial dick all week so they’re bound to have inflated egos.  It will be close for a while, but the Cats will prevail in the end.  Also, if you are a UGA student with an attractive special lady, I can only give this advice: DO NOT TAKE HER TO THE GAME!

Hell yes, I just got ready for this weekend by writing that.  I need a beer… and so do you.

FWP: New Year, Same Sh… Stuff

January 2, 2009

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Happy New Year, APIAS enthusiasts!  2009 has arrived; and not much has really changed.  I usually put some sort of build-up for the week in this spot, but things are going to be just a touch different.  I had totally intended to write a “Smoothron’s Top 10 Moments that Had to do With Sports that I was a Part of,” post, but that never happened.  And by part of, I mean watched… or saw or… whatever.  Well, really quick, here’s a short list:

  • USA Basketball Team Gold Medal Game: Bru and I were more excited about this game than anything else that happened all year.  I made the trek to NKY so we could watch together.  Lots of beers, one hell of a game, some drunken tears shed after the game and seeing the sun rise.  One hell of a night.
  • First Saturday of Keeneland Spring Meet -> Final Four Games:  The whole APIAS crew was around for this one.  We had the craziest tailgate of all time, won some cash at the track and later that night there might have been some basketball games on television.  TGC, 2SL and I also participated in the greatest session of texting about a girl in the same room ever.  1984 UK Basketball sweatshirt is all I need to say.
  • Music City Bowl: Technically, this was the last day of 2007, but it was a LONG day of drinking which led to 2008.  APIAS friend, Boski, and I made the trip to Nashville and met up with some people.  We got $10 tickets from a homeless couple and never made the 4 mile trek up to our seats.  After the game, all my friends bailed on me while I paid $40 to go into a shitty bar.  The things I will do for college girls in hot pants… ahh, memories.
  • First Saturday of College Football: There was a 9AM breakfast for the ages, which only could have been better if someone had made some damn eggs!  There was so much hope back then for all our teams.  Maybe RichRod would have Michigan ready.  Maybe Crompton was the answer for the Vols.  Maybe Mike Hartline could pick up where Woodson left off.  No, no and no.  Anyways, there was a ton of beer consumed that first Saturday.  The kitchen at APIAS headquarters looked like a damn war-zone afterwards.
  • BobWicket’s Bachelor Party: There was an NCAA Football 09 tournament, a golf outing, a cornhole tournament and 14 guys in their mid-twenties screaming at the television when Michael Phelps won his eighth (8TH!) gold medal.  Add that to the 3,000 beers drank and the “Roast of BobWicket,” and this was an all-time weekend. 

Enough of the looking back, it’s the first FWP of 2009!  Let’s roll!

  • BCS or no BCS, the Song Girls are #1.
    BCS or no BCS, the Song Girls are #1.

    USC will deserve to be playing Florida next Thursday.


      They were REALLY impressive last night against Penn State.  The Trojans were dominant on both sides of the ball, even after Joe McKnight got hurt and was out for the better part of the game.  All the bitching will never stop until there’s some sort of playoff, but USC and Florida are the two best teams in the country and should be playing instead of Oklahoma.  Also, Song Girls.

  • The Celtics will make a terrible decision.  Boston is supposedly looking into signing Stephon Marbury.  How is this possible?  Why would they want to do that?  This guy has killed every locker room he’s ever been in, and now the best team in the league wants to sign him?  He’s going to back up Rajon Rondo… and not bitch about it?  Don’t they already have Sam Cassell to bitch about not playing?  And, don’t give me the, “Their locker room is too strong to be broken, kind of like the Patriots with Randy Moss,” argument.  Doc Rivers couldn’t wash Bill Belichick’s half sweater.
  • Mid-major football programs will be humiliated.  First, Boise State lost their bid for a perfect run.  Now, Alabama will lay the wood to Utah.  I watched Utah play a few times this year and they definitely don’t have SEC speed.  I expect Julio Jones to not be tackled tonight.  Also, I watched Utah only beat Michigan by two points.  Michigan wasn’t very good this year, hell, Toledo beat them by more than two.  If this game isn’t within 4 TDs, I vote no non-BCS conference team can play in BCS games any longer.  Agreed?  Thanks.
  • With Anna around, Kris was a little better.
    Hooray, Anna!

    Derek Lowe will wake up and sign with the Mets.


      Hello, Derek?  It’s me, Smoothron.  I’d like to remind you that no one is really interested in you except for the Mets right now.  Also, our country is in a serious recession and the $12 million bucks they are offering is ridiculous for our economy.  Take the deal!  Seriously, the Mets need you.  If not, New York may have to go with Kris Benson again.  Or, on second thought, if he brings wife Anna with him, that might not be so bad.

  • All four road teams will not win this weekend in the NFL.  First of all, two rookie QBs aren’t winning on the road in the playoffs.  So, the Cardinals and Dolphins are winners already.  Secondly, Tarvaris Jackson is not winning a playoff game in the NFL no matter where they play it.  The Eagles are winners.  Lastly, Peyton Manning isn’t losing.  You want to know why?  Because I took him first overall in my postseason fantasy league.  If you know me and my hatred of Manning, this is a big deal.  The Colts are winners.  Two road teams win, two don’t.  Bet on those.
  • Tennessee will sneak out of Phog Fieldhouse with a win.  It won’t be pretty, but Bruce and the boys will not lay another egg like they did a few weeks ago on a Saturday afternoon on ESPN.  Kansas is down, but not terrible and will provide some trouble for UT, but they’ll be tough down the stretch and get a W.  Life will be good, and TGC will be drunk.  Everybody wins.
  • My new girlfriend, Kaley, will be cheering for the Cats.
    Kaley loves the Cats.

    Billy Gillispie will beat the Cards, then sleep with your girlfriend.


      It’s time for the biggest rivalry the Cats have.  No offense to Florida or recently Tennessee, but Louisville is the biggest rival for UK.  It will definitely not be easy for the Cats, now that the Cards are coming off an embarrassing home loss to UNLV.  It’s never good to have to play a Pitino team after a bad loss.  Practices after losses like that were staples when he was at UK.  I still think UL was overrated to start the year (by the experts and myself) and they don’t play as a team.  Edgar Sosa absolutely kills any offensive flow they have and will probably end up making Ricky P. bald.  Cats get five-point win in the Ville.  I hate the Ville and I think that’s a sentiment held by all of APIAS.  Oh yeah, after the game, Billy G. will be ready to go.  Hide your special lady!

There you have it.  First one of 2009 and it felt a lot like 2008 and 2007.  Did we even do this in 2007?  Go out and continue celebrating the new year.  The Cats play football in about 2.5 hours and I have a half of a keg left to drink.  Cheers!

FWP: Where the Hell Did College Football Go?

December 12, 2008

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Well, FWP has returned after last week’s Season 2 debut (or something like that).  Perhaps I was a little rusty and didn’t get everything just right as I might have liked.  But, I kind of think it’s like sex.  Wait, no, that’s not it.  I don’t know what sex is like anymore.  Let’s just say there has been a drought of Biblical proportions, because I haven’t known a female in the Biblical sense in a long, long time (pretty sure my eternal fate is set after that last sentence).  Nonetheless, it wasn’t all bad.  Florida covered against ‘Bama, Pittsburgh took care of Dallas and Billy G double-dipped (and I don’t mean basketball games).  There is one thing missing from this weekend and if you can’t guess, it’s in the title.  No college football!  Okay, there are D3 playoffs or something, but I have a life and won’t be watching those.  For the first time since the end of August, we won’t be able to wake up to Corso, Herbie and Fowler.  There won’t be any, “I’m not going to work ever again if I hit this!” parlays.  And sadly, you have to find another reason to justify that first beer at 10:27AM.  Alas, there are plenty things to fill your weekend: NBA games, MLB signings, college hoops and putting off Christmas shopping.  Plus, you get to hear twelve straight hours of Heisman speculation on Saturday instead of getting to watch actual games… sweet!  On with the prognosticating:

  • Cole Hamels will hide in his house.  What a dumbass.  Is he trying to become more hated in New York than John Rocker?  In an interview with an NY radio station, he called the Mets “choke artists.”  Good call, Cole.  People’s lives in New York aren’t screwed up enough, and now you want to piss them off even more?  Whatever, you dug your own grave.  (Note: yes, this pisses me off even more because, sadly, it’s true.)
  • abbymcgrewThe Cowboys will eke by the Giants in the “Drama Bowl.”  Hey, guys, want some off-field shit to stir up your teams’ playoff chances?  TO is essentially calling Romo and Witten gay.  Brandon Jacobs isn’t playing.  Plaxico is still being Plaxico.  Wade Phillips is still the world’s highest paid cheerleader (TGC’s joke).  Yeah, give the edge to the home team.  Actually, give the edge to Mrs. Eli Manning, Abby McGrew.  She looks like every other blonde at Ole Miss and I mean nothing bad when I say that.  Hell of a job, Eli, hell of a job.
  • The Celtics will keep winning games.  Do they have a chance at 70 wins?  Sure they do.  They play in a weak conference with only one other legitimate team in it, they have a loaded starting lineup and a decent enough bench and they have a great coach.  WAIT A SECOND… one of those isn’t right.  Doc Rivers still sucks.  Who couldn’t win with Garnett, Pierce, Allen and Rondo?  I took six white kids to the AAU National Tournament this summer and finished in the top 20.  I’d like to see him do that!
  • Manny Ramirez will not retire.  This isn’t even really a prediction, just a stated fact.  Would you rather not take millions of dollars or take millions of dollars?  Yeah, thought so.  Sure, he might have to play for the Nationals, but it’s a ton of cash and money is money.  He should just go play for the Mets.  Please?
  • coltsgfColt McCoy will win the Heisman.  Should he win?  I sure as hell don’t think so, but he probably will.  His stats were insane, he beat Bradford head-to-head and people don’t want to see Tebow win it twice.  He’s also going to come back to Texas for his senior year, which is a huge mistake.  He should go pro as soon as the Fiesta Bowl is over.  The senior class for QBs is terrible and his stock couldn’t ever get higher.  Remember Brian Brohm?  Yeah, first pick to third round.  Also, Colt’s girlfriend is very hot.  (For the record, I DO think Tebow should win.)
  • Will Muschamp will have some questions to answer.  First, he becomes the hottest name in the could-be-next coaching world.  Second, Texas freaks out, gives him a ton of cash to be “Head Coach in Waiting.”  Third, it is reported that he is going to be Auburn’s next head coach.  Very interesting, Senor Muschamp.  I think the whole “Head Coach in Waiting” is a crock of shit anyway, so good for him.  Besides, Auburn just interviewed Buffalo’s head coach for the vacancy.  If you’re a Tiger fan, do you want Texas’ D-coordinator or Buffalo’s (NOT the Bills) head coach?  My point exactly.
  • Jake Peavy may not may not be traded to the Cubs.  He’s going, then the Cubs don’t want him, then he’s going again, then Lou says his rotation is set, then he’s going again, the trade is off, the trade is on, then the Cubs don’t win the World Series for the 101st year in a row.  Oh, the last thing hasn’t happened yet?  Well, it certainly will.
  • Bob will win Survivor: Gabon.  Yes, I know no one in the world watches Survivor anymore.  But, one Thursday night I happened to watch an episode and twelve weeks later, I am really looking forward to the finale Sunday night.  Bob is old, nice and everyone likes him.  He’ll probably win and hopefully they’ll cancel the show, so I can never get sucked in again.  Also, I know it’s bad I watch Survivor, but 2SL watches Chuck, and he is literally the only American I know that watches that shitty show.
  • The hottest girl to ever attend IU.

    The hottest girl to ever attend IU.

    Billy Gillispie will make fun of your warm-up pants, then sleep with your girlfriend.

      Seriously, Indiana?  The warm-up pants still?  Some traditions are great (running through the T, dotting the i, etc.), but this is not one of them.  You look like a bunch of gay candy stripers who are trying to play basketball.  And with this year’s team, let’s emphasize the word ‘try.’  UK needs this one badly as they cannot lose another game at home.  IU doesn’t need this game because they aren’t going to be playing in the NCAA Tournament for about another decade.  Also, everyone’s favorite coach will be prowling the streets of Lexington after the game, so beware!

That’s it, people.  Once again, I’m going to plug TOMS Shoes as what you should be getting people for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus.  You buy a pair of shoes, a kid in Africa gets a free pair of shoes.  And, as EDay pointed out, they are hippie shoes.  If you haven’t seen Phish in concert, then just buy yourself some nice houseshoes, you’ll feel better about yourself.  This has all the makings of a great weekend, so build a fire to stay warm.  And, if you don’t have a fireplace, drink thirty beers to keep warm.

John Daly does his best Otis Campbell

October 30, 2008

The police in Mayberry Winson-Salem picked up a drunken John Daly over the weekend from, where else, passed out, outside the neighborhood Hooters.  They took him to jail to sober up, then sent him on his merry way.  I wonder if this counts as a mandatory photo-op in his Hooters contract?

From the CBS report:

While at the restaurant, police said Daly “appeared extremely intoxicated and uncooperative,” refused repeatedly to be taken to the hospital and was asked to leave the restaurant by several workers.

Daly was taken to the Forsyth County Law Enforcement Detention Center for a 24-hour stay, until he was sober.

 No word yet if there was a dynamite-eating goat in the cell with him.


TAGMAT!: Halfway Home Hopefuls

October 16, 2008

TAGMAT (They are giving money away today!) is a weekly column done every week by’s resident gambling addict, Smoothron.  This site in no way advocates gambling, especially excessively.  Smoothron’s degenerate friend, who will refer to as Casino Bobby also gives you his picks for the week.  If we can tell you anything, bet against both of them and you should be able to retire within the first month of the season.

Here we are, roughly halfway through the college football season.  Wow, it seems like just yesterday that it was that first Saturday of CFB… beer at 9AM, breakfast at 10AM, drunk by 12PM and bed by 3AM the next day.  Oh the glorious!  Last week, we talked about realizing teams for what they were and seeing them for what they are; and somehow it actually worked (I’ll take 3-1 any weekend).  At any rate, things are shaping up and we can start looking at possible National Champions, from a gambling perspective of course.  I’ve said many times that future bets are for suckers, but if you can’t tell, I’m a big sucker.  Here’s a list of teams that could win the title and their odds as of today to win it.

  • #1 Texas (6/1):  Were the Longhorns very impressive last Saturday against OU? Absolutely, but they still have a really tough schedule ahead. They could win out, but in the climate of today’s college football, it’s highly unlikely.  Their best shot is to lose in the next week or two, get their loss then try and bounce back.  I still think Mack Brown can find a way to screw this up and the Longhorns end up in the Cotton Bowl.  Save your cash.
  • #2 Alabama (3/1):  Nick Saban has obviously proved he is the man when it comes to recruiting and coaching, but is it too much too fast for the young Tide?  I say yes as ‘Bama still has three tough games left and a possible fourth.  Tennessee (rivalry), at LSU (there is no doubt this game will be at night) and Auburn (rivalry) all could be a bump in the road before the SEC Championship.  This is a really short price for a team that plays fifteen true freshmen.  My bet is that the Tide lose and don’t ever make it to Atlanta.
  • #3 Penn State (7/2):  JoePa has one Wolverine fan and many others believe in the Nittany Lions this year.  The HD or 3D offense they’re running is clicking and the defense looks just nasty.  The country shudders at the thought of a Big 10 team playing in the title game again, but if PSU gets past OSU next weekend everyone’s worst fears may be realized.  I wish they had better odds, but JoePa probably has a few more tricks up his sleeve.  The Nittany Lions aren’t a bad bet to get there, but chances are they (like OSU the last two years) couldn’t compete against the elite teams.
  • #5 Florida (6/1):  Yes, the Gators got beat by Ole Miss.  They also just hung 51 on the feared and revered LSU defense.  If Tebow and the Florida offense keep things rolling like that, the SEC better watch out.  I say the revenge factor gets them past Georgia and the rest of the schedule isn’t too difficult until the SEC Championship.  Florida has championship experience from two years ago.  I picked the Gators two months ago and am not going to change my pick now.  Keep in mind they have the best odds of any team that I think can win it and this is Smoothron’s pick.
  • #6 USC (3/1):  Pete Carroll has his squad looking invincible again after the trip-up at Oregon St.  USC probably has the easiest schedule of the bunch as well, but I think that loss to the Beavers ends up hurting them too much in the polls.  If you compare one-loss USC and Florida teams at the end of the year, the Gators are going to win that battle pretty easily.  Florida will have gone through the brutal SEC East, played LSU and played another elite team in the SEC Championship.  USC will have beaten at most two ranked teams.  Advantage Gators.

Yes, I just took Florida over Penn State to win the National Championship.  Also, I don’t want to hear anything about Oklahoma, Texas Tech, Missouri, Georgia or any team not in a major conference.  Oklahoma is banking on Texas to lose twice in conference just to get to the Big XII title game, Texas Tech couldn’t guard Michigan’s offense, Missouri is a joke, Georgia is going to lose another one or two and all teams not in BCS conferences please see UGA vs Hawaii in the Sugar Bowl.  Rant over, let’s get to this week’s picks. (more…)