Archive for the ‘Drugs’ Category

Jay Paterno well on his way to being his Dad

August 28, 2007

downgoesmorelli.jpgIt’s no secret around here how much we love Joe Paterno.  First, he says he wants to coach from the press box this year.  That would make you think that Joe had nothing else noteworthy to give us until the season started.  It appears, however, that everyone’s favorite octogenarian-football coach has gone above and beyond.  Well not actually Joe, but his son, QB-coach Jay is the one making news.  He now has his Quarterbacks preparing for games by, yes, playing PlayStation3.  Everyone’s favorite Jersey-shore native Anthony Morelli goes on to explain.

“It’s pretty much getting to the point where it’s almost real. It’s getting scary,” he said. “They’ve got guys’ accuracy, your arm strength. They’re almost making it look exactly like you. Some guys even move like they really move. It’s crazy. It’s realistic.”

Hold on.

Wow.

Sorry, I had to catch my breath there for a second.  How great is this?!?  Again, my love of the UM Wolverines has never been hidden.  But, who couldn’t love this?  There are so many questions I have regarding this newfound “coaching” Jay Paterno is doing. 

  • Does JoePa know this is going on (if he knows anything is going on anymore)?  If so, what was his reaction?
  • Can Morelli and the boys hit the bong and eat Cheetos all whilst playing?
  • Can I play?

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Again, this is awesome, especially if you aren’t a Penn State fan.  Keep in mind, instead of actually practicing, PSU QBs are playing PS3.  If your favorite team is playing the Nittany Lions this year, you might want to let the team know to work on their video game skills.

[ Pittsburgh Tribune Review ]

SEC Wins Again – Celebrates – Begins Quest To Repeat

August 21, 2007

The 2008 Princeton Review List of the Top 20 Party Schools in the country is out and surprise, surprise the SEC wins again.  The Southeastern Conference put 6 schools in the Top 20.  List Below.

I love College

1. West Virginia University
2. University of Mississippi    
3. The University of Texas at Austin    
4. University of Florida    
5. University of Georgia
   
6. Penn State–University Park    
7. University of New Hampshire     
8. Indiana University at Bloomington    
9. Ohio University-Athens    
10. University of California-Santa Barbara    
11. Randolph-Macon College     
12. University of Iowa    
13. Louisiana State University     
14. University of Maryland-College Park    
15. University of Tennessee–Knoxville    
16. University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign    
17. Arizona State University at the Tempe Campus    
18. Florida State University    
19. University of Alabama–Tuscaloosa    
20. State University of New York at Albany

Not only does the SEC have 24 Men’s National Championships since 2000 and 44 Women’s National Championships since 2000 they know how to celebrate those Championships.

So congrats to all the SEC schools who made it into the Top 20.  We appreciate you turning a blind eye to underage drinking, girls making out, toga parties, kegs, the green goblin, cold beer, Jim Beam, sneaking flasks into games, tailgating, pimps & ho’s parties, Mad Dog 20/20, Tequila body shots, and waking up in a dorm room with a girl who don’t remember.  I love College.

VooDoo Sabermetrics, now with more sexual diversity

July 29, 2007

Recently we were asked to contribute to The Extrapolater’s most revered and scientific study on professional athletes, VooDoo Sabermetrics.  The new article considers Barry Bonds, and is out now.

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If mentioning transvestites doesn’t get us kicked out, I don’t know what will.

Barry Bonds Wins Yellow Jersey

July 28, 2007

barrysuniform.jpgIn a move that brings the sports world full circle, Barry Bonds has declared he will wear the Tour de France’s yellow jersey for the rest of the Giants’ weekend series versus the Marlins.  Bonds says the move has nothing to do with steroids, he just likes cycling. 

APIAS is unsure if it is all the cycling or the actual stimulant consumption that has shrunk Bonds’ manhood so much.  We do appreciate his love for other sports.  In fact, we were surprised to hear that he pays attention to anything but his own greatness.  But ride on Barry, and stay away from Landis.

Scotty O, we’re sorry

July 22, 2007

Scott Olsen was arrested last night after a long evening of partying and drinking.  We, here at APIAS.net, feel we need to inform you of some yet-to-be-disclosed information.  Well… we went out the town with Scott Olsen last night.*  We may or may not have… okay, we probably contributed to his arrest.  But, damn… it was a GREAT night!  maybedrunkhere.jpg

What can we say?  There were ladies, shots, and shots off of ladies to be had.  There’s a real good chance that Scotty O (which is the name we were told we had to call him) will get suspended for a few games by the MLB.  Luckily, we did not get arrested last night.  So, much to your dismay, Smoothron will not be getting suspended by the higher-ups at APIAS.net… no matter how much you may not want to read this shit any more. 

 Anyways, thanks Scotty O, for a great night… and that stripper named Denim.  Hope Ol’ Bud isn’t too hard on you.

*may or may not be fabricated

Armstrong v. Landis in Colorado, Kobe will not make trip

July 17, 2007

The much anticipated bike race between “GI Joe” Lance Armstrong and noted blackmail artist Floyd Landis is back on.  You may remember Floyd Landis, if not for the failed drug tests after the Tour de France, surely for the threatening “hide the weenie” comments left on Greg LaMond’s voicemail.

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Armstrong apparently spent part of yesterday riding the trail, in Leadville, CO, with coach Chris Carmichael.

The race, the Leadville 100, is scheduled for August 11.

Carmichael was apparently impressed enough to comment on his blog,

“For the record, Lance is not only quite fit, but he’s also very good on a mountain bike.”

What can you say?  The man’s got ball.  I hope he wipes the mountain with Landis.

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No further word on the Barry Bonds v. Dalai Lama chess match.  Latest reports have the Lama golfing in the Himalayas.

[Rocky Mountain News]

God Bless Our Readers

July 6, 2007

From time to time, we come across information about how you lovely folks stumble across our site, sometimes linked over, sometimes word of mouth, email, etc…  One of the things we are privy to here is a list of what, for instance, readers have Google-searched and then moseyed on over to APIAS.net.

Today, this list took the cake, guns, drunk babes, handcuffs, and coke.  Take a gander at what your fellow readers are seeking on the internets.

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A fight search, three different drunk searches, an old man search, a VHS search, a munchkin search, and of course, PLAYING SPORTS WHILE ON COKE!

There’s a special prize for you, homey.  I know you’re out there.  I hear ya.

God Bless Ya.

In Other News….Some College Athlete Smoked Pot

June 21, 2007

In SHOCKING NEWS….Dirk Minniefield, former University of Kentucky basketball player, admitted to smoking pot while a member of the team.  He claims to have been a habitual user of marijuana and cocaine while in college.  A recent article in the Lexington Herald Leader shed light on this UNSPEAKABLE CATASTROPHE.

UK point guard Dirk Minniefield spent the night before what became known as the “Dream Game” smoking marijuana. He and some teammates — he declined to say who — went to a park at the former World’s Fair site near their hotel to get high.

But Minniefield said it shouldn’t have been a surprise. When he played for UK, he was a habitual user of marijuana and cocaine

you wanna get high?

College athletes used illegal substances???? Unbelievable, what is the world coming to? Next the thing you know…..

  • Pacman Jones will get arrested for an incident at a strip club.
  • Barry Bonds will be accused of steriod use.
  • Athletes will make hip-hop albums.
  • Coach Pete Bell will admit he cheated when recruiting Butch, Neon and that white kid(movie reference – Blue Chips)
  • Poker will be on ESPN.
  • Britney Spears will marry a backup dancer.

Maybe I’m oversarcasticing (yes, I made that word up) the whole article.  Honestly who’s never gotten high at World’s Fair Park or in a softball dugout or in their dorm room the second day of college or on their way to high school in the morning?   College athletes getting high is not front page news.  We at APIAS would like to make front page news by pointing out that smoking up is not front page news.

2012 Olympics, Brought to You By Pokemon!

June 6, 2007

So in breaking news that surprises everyone no one, the 2012 Olympics logo has now been declared a health risk due to possible epileptic seizures that could result from its viewing.  I mean, I think the things hideous, but Jebus, I didn’t think it could literally harm me!  A spokesperson claims that it’s not the actual image that causes problems, it’s how it was displayed at a the logo’s launch party.

“This concerns a short piece of animation which we used as part of the logo launch event and not the actual logo.”

Oh, well that makes me feel better.  The logo itself won’t give me the seizures, but if I look at it all funny-like I’ll be rolling on the floor eating my tongue.  I think the most touching part of the story is that the logo failed a machine test that should clear it for safe viewing.

“The logo should not be shown on TV at all at the moment,” Harding told the BBC. “It fails Harding FPA machine test which is the machine the television industry uses to test images.”

At this point, we at APIAS think this story was made up.  There is no damned way that there is a machine that can test images for their seizure inducing ability.  It’s ludicrous.  But listen up boys and girls, this is just another example of what happens when you let the Brits take control of something.  You give them something nice and in the end they just Tubby Smith it into the ground.

No, This Is Not A Rerun

May 21, 2007

 gimmebackmyhotels.jpg

[x] Speeding with Weed
[x] No Driver’s License
[x] No Insurance
[x] DUI
[x] Puke Out Friends Car
[x] Probation Violation
[x] Alcohol to Minors
[x] Felony Possession of Firearm
aaannnddd……
[  ] Failed Drug Test… yep check that one off too… opiates… nice touch

F@$k! Again?! Seriously? I have honestly run out of comments for you.  Read about it at With Leather, Deadspin, or the kids over at Fox.  But Christ Almighty Marv, its time to let him go.