Archive for the ‘Crime’ Category

Whatever happened to that guy? – Ramar Smith

January 26, 2009
Drive, draw, and dish... where have ye gone?
Drive, draw, and dish… where have ye gone?

As we noted before in our search for leadership and hustle out of the 2009 version of Tennessee basketball, we lamented for the days of long long ago last year.  2 fiery, intelligent players roamed “The Summitt” and did not render one defeat.  Those 2 players are gone (dismissed for puffing the cheebah), and APIAS is tracking them down.

Duke Crews was located alive and well, playing PF for D-II Bowie State.

It appears that, as of July last year, Ramar Smith had intended to go to 2 time defending NAIA National Champ Oklahoma City U.

Former Tennessee point guard Ramar Smith has enrolled at Oklahoma City University, according to sources close to the situation. (Knoxville News-Sentinel)

He then turned up in Poland in October (no that is not the beginning of a WW-II joke), playing three games for AZS Koszalin.  He averaged 22 minutes, shot 18% from the foor, and 40% from the FT line before leaving town.  According to eurobasket.com

2008-2009: in Sep.’08 signed at AZS Koszalin (Poland-DBE, starting five), left next month

That’s where the paper trail ends.  I recall seeing an article that suggested Smith had personal factors in his decision to give up pro basketball, but no further info.

sharp PG play and defense

Missing: sharp PG play and defense

If anyone has further information regarding the whereabouts of Ramar Smith, dial your local police shoot us an email at apiasdotnet (at) yahoo (dot) com.

In future installments of “Whatever happened to that guy?” we hope to include the current whereabouts of Lang Wiseman, all-time Kentucky 3-point percentage holder Todd Svboda, Ron Slay, Wade Houston, and Steve Hamer.

UPDATE: Scott Ross posted on scout.com “Ramar is in Nashville…..he was looking into TSU and/or MTSU, but neither worked out…”

The 4 Keys: Vols-Memphis Preview

January 24, 2009
JP Prince had a breakout game in Memphis last year.

JP Prince had a breakout game in Memphis last year.

Saturday afternoon, the Memphis Tigers roll into Thompson-Boling Arena understandably still irked at the Vols.   Around this time last year, Bruce’s boys from the East gave Memphis its first (and one of only 2 total) loss last year.

Calipari ranted and raved all off season about Bruce and his recruiting of Memphis, going so far as to say that Bruce not bother sniffing around the city, because anybody John wants, John gets.

Leslie McDonald then immediately signed with UNC.

This year, he still hasn’t cooled off much.

John Calipari was asked this week to describe his relationship with Tennessee men’s basketball Coach Bruce Pearl.

“We coach in the same state,” Calipari deadpanned.

He quickly noted it was said mostly in jest — key word: Mostly.

Pearl, to his credit, keeps stoking the fire, “My thing with John has always been his contention that this series does more for Tennessee than it does for Memphis.  I try to remind him from time to time that Tennessee does hold the all-time advantage (12-7) in the series and that it’s good for both teams.”

So what are we looking at on Saturday, other than another bruiser of a budding rivalry matchup?  Let’s take a look at the 4 keys after the jump. (more…)

Lloyd Blows McMahon

January 6, 2009

FWP: It’s Festivus Time in the City

December 19, 2008

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

It’s a beautiful night at the APIAS.net headquarters.  From the lineage of Frank Costanza, we will celebrate Festivus tonight and it is guaranteed to be glorious.  Put all of us (minus Bru) in a room with some ladies and our friends and 300 beers… what could go wrong?  But, that isn’t to say that the sports world can be forgotten while we air our grievances (“I got a lot of problems with you people!”) and display feats of strength (“Festivus is not over until somebody pins me!”).  If you don’t know the story of Festivus, I have a few suggestions: 1) Watch Seinfeld, it’s a really good show. 2) Watch the video below, it’s worth your time.

 I, for one, will be keeping an eye on the TV tonight during the holiday with two great NBA games on.  If you haven’t heard yet, the NBA is back.  Remember when you were a kid and loved watching Jordan, Barkley and (young) Shaq?  Yeah, tune in and watch Kobe, LeBron, Dwight Howard and Steve Blake.  Okay, maybe not the last guy, but the NBA has become very watch-able again, so quit being the “It’s-not-good-basketball” guy.  Along with NBA, there is a full slate of college hoops, a bunch of huge NFL games, one hilarious name and a bad prediction on a terrible television show.  On to the prognosticating…

  • Seven year-olds all over the state of Kentucky will laugh and laugh during the UK game.  I’ve got this sort-of nephew.  You know, when your friends have kids and you become a sort-of uncle to them?  Well, Zeke is the man and is seven.  He also thinks words like ‘butt’ are really funny.  He’s in luck tomorrow as Appy State brings Ike Butts to town as their starting center.  Seriously, though, Butts… that’s funny.
  • barryoStrangely, no one will talk about this picture.  Barack Obama… smoking a fatty… in a picture… in TIME Magazine… and this isn’t a national news story??  I hate getting political on our kind of sports blog, but seriously?  If there were a picture of George W. in the same room as a joint, it would be on the cover of every newspaper in the country.  This must be the first step to “change.”
  • Eric Devendorf will have some time to hang out, if you’re interested.  TGC’s Big East Player of the Year pick has been suspended indefinitely by Syracuse.  I, for one, am not shocked.  How the hell was he kicked out of school and still playing anyway?  Oh well, enjoy the time off.  Maybe he can start calling some teams in Austria… they don’t care if you beat your wife in Austria, right?
  • The Titans and Panthers will win their respective conferences.  Have we not learned yet?  Talk about how bad a team has gotten or how they’ve peaked and they will inexplicably play well.  Well, that means the Titans are about to beat the Steelers by twenty.  Also, the Giants are done (yes, I see the irony).  They may be playing without their two best offensive players against the hottest team in the NFL and they teetering on the edge of becoming UK 2001-02 (Team Turmoil).  By the way, Roger Goodell, in every way possible, will NEVER let a Tennessee/Carolina Super Bowl happen.
  • College football will return!  Who cares if it’s Wake and Navy playing for the second time this year?  College football is back, baby! 
  • erinandrewspinkErin Andrews will be working.  She was supposed to be my date for tonight’s festivities, but, sadly, she’s working.  Can you believe she would be working an NHL game on a Friday night?  I didn’t think so either.  But, apparently, she was desperately needed at the last minute and couldn’t make it.  Crazy, especially since ESPN doesn’t show the NHL anymore.  Oh well, my girlfriend is still so hot.
  • Mark Teixeira will sign with the Red Sox.  I love how John Henry came out and said the BoSox were out of the Mark T. stakes.  Who couldn’t see that as a ploy?  “No, Mark, sorry, we just can’t afford you.  Have fun playing for the NATIONALS for the next decade, though!”  Sure, he’s from there, but who wants to live in DC?  There are like four homeless people for people with homes.
  • Vol fans will have a great weekend.  First, they’re probably going to get another football commitment before the basketball game tomorrow.  Then, they’ll beat the crap out of Belmont.  Then, get another 4-star recruit.  Lane Kiffin was a terrible hire, wasn’t he John Clay?  Oh, no, you’re just a terrible writer.  Glad we got that settled.
  • The Celtics will win and win… and if they played again, they would probably win that one too.  Seriously, Rondo is really really good.  Supposedly, the talk in Boston is if Rondo is better than Ray Allen.  Who cares, they’re all good.  And to think, they have one of the five worst coaches in the league, imagine what they would do with someone like…. me at the helm.
  • You better hope this isn't your girl.
    You better hope this isn’t your girl.

    Billy Gillispie will dodge the App State bullet, then sleep with your girlfriend.

      Yes, I’m well aware.  My two favorite teams in the whole world are Kentucky Basketball and Michigan Football.  The parallels between the two programs right now are eerily similar, but that’s for another day.  Everyone knows what happened last football season in the Big House and it just won’t happen tomorrow.  The biggest laugh the Mountaineer crowd will enjoy will be when “Butts” is said during the starting line-ups (and that’s because everyone who goes to ASU is a pothead).  UK should win easily and coast into their showdown with their Jan. 4th meeting with Earl Clark, I mean Louisville.  Also, if you live in Louisville, hide your girlfriend… you know who will be lurking in the darkness.

That will do, people.  Have a hell of a weekend, seriously.  We’re going to have the best Festivus any of us could ever dream of.  Next FWP won’t be until after Hanukkah has started, after Christmas has passed and on the day of Kwanzaa, so happy holidays.  Also, one last time, buy your friend/spouse/mistress/lover/aunt/all of the above some TOMS Shoes.  Every pair that you buy means a kid in Africa gets a pair of shoes they desperately need!  Hell of a cause, really.  Be safe, drink a beer and HAPPY FESTIVUS!

Assaf Speaks on the Andy Kennedy Incident

December 19, 2008
andypooh

File photo of Andy Kennedy looking angry

A few months ago we were having a bachelor party for a friend up in Cincinnati, we’ll just call him W.  Anyway, a few of the other folk who work for and hang around this blog made the trip up with us as well.  We did the usual in Cincy, we caught a Reds game and then a cab over the river to the Horbrauhaus.  For the uninitiated, you must go to this place.  It doesn’t matter how far you must travel or that you could lose your wife in the bargain, go here and enjoy thyself. 

Back to the story at hand though.  BobWicket happened to be along for this trip as well (we held a blog contest to see who could come along for a weekend with the APIAS editors and BW won).  He quickly made friends with our fun loving cabbie Assaf.  Little did we know that not 6 months later Assaf would gain national media attention by being physically and verbally assaulted by Andy Kennedy.  BW and Assaf swapped phone numbers that night and BW contacted him this week to get the site a scoop of the night’s events.  Here’s what Assaf had to say.  Please keep in mind he can’t speak in detail due to the pending legal matter.

The night started out like any other.  I had a Big Mac and a McDouble from Donald’s.  See, the “Mc” in the sign of the McDonald’s by my house is broken out so I just call it Donald’s.  Pretty funny huh?  Well, anyway, I cruise down to this bar and pick up this guy who looks like a tad like Kyle Macy.  You remember him right?  Pretty good for Kentucky back when I first came to this country with my parents.

Anyway, so I pick up Kyle Macy’s younger brother and a couple of other assholes who are obviously ripped on Appletinis and SoCo.  They were freakin’ hilarious man.  The bald guy was trying to get a 200 pound hooker into the car but I wasn’t about to let that happen.  I just had the right rear shocks replaced in the yellow machine so that bitch had to go.

I finally get the bastards in the car and they ask me to take them to another bar.  I’m crackin’ up at this point because these guys are hammered and I was pretty close to taking them to a gay bar but the bald guy looked like he was in a bad mood over the hooker situation so I bailed on that. 

So I pull up to this next club and they try piling 3 more guys in the car.  I’m like, bullshit.  So I get out and tell baldy that they can only have 4 in the cab, the other two would have to wait.  So he gets all pissed and gets up in my face and says “Listen here Chinky, I’ll beat your ass.” 

At this point I was totally intimidated.  Not only was this man slightly bigger than me (at least taller) but he had 5 buddies with him and was so drunk he used the wrong racial slur in regards to me.  I stood firm though and told him that no more than 4 were getting in my car.  About that time he yelled “Kamikaze!” and came at me.  He tried to throw a punch but missed.  The problem was I stepped off the curb and stumbled and as he was flailing about trying to keep his balance he caught me with the back side of his left fist. 

But that shit was still a punch man.  And my attorney says we can get him for a hate crime because of the racial slur he used towards me.  Even though it wasn’t technically correct, it was still an ethnic slur and I am, after all, not born of this land.  Well, that’s about it.  Call me next time your hittin’ up the Hof-haus man.  I’ll get one of my boys to drop us off and we’ll get shitty all Andy Kennedy style.  Later!

So there you have it.  Straight from the man’s mouth.  Big ups to Bob Wicket for scoring the exclusive and thanks a ton to Assaf for coming forward about the incident.  Good luck to him in settling out of court just so the real story doesn’t come out and good luck to Andy Kennedy because after all that’s happened to BW’s boy, we still like Huggy Bear’s young grasshopper around these parts.

Kiffin Commentary; week three

December 16, 2008
Raiders Cable Football

My tiny jewelry is driving me crazy!

We’re another week into the Kiffin regime on the Hill, and things are continuing to materialize with recruiting decisions, fan reactions, a budding rivalry between the Vols and Raiders (heh, yeah) and a grandfather generally accepted as a defensive genius donning PMS 151 in 2009.

First, on the recruiting front, the Vols “planted the first stake” in the fence around Tennessee getting a commitment from DB Eric Gordon out of Nashville.

“His visit to my house was big,” said Gordon, who was the offensive MVP of the BlueCross Bowl. “We talked about school, plays and what I would learn at UT. He said I’m definitely a cornerback there, but he would love to get the ball in my hands at slot receiver or running reverses. And I could definitely return kicks.”

#2 overall Running Back Jarvis Giles chose a school, South Carolina.  Says Giles, “Tennessee just didn’t feel like the place for me any longer.”  I’m betting #1 overall RB and Vol commit David Oku didn’t mind much.

As I mentioned before, a chief instrument in the development of the Tampa 2 defense (which is widely used across the NFL these days), and good ole dad to Coach, Monte Kiffin informed Jon Gruden that he’ll be leaving the Bucs to join the Vols staff at the end of the season.  Gruden isn’t thrilled to be losing his D-Coordinator, but is handling  the loss of a coach immensely better than interim head coach of the Raders, Tom Cable. 

Kiffin hired away O-Line coach James Cregg, who notified Cable and Al Davis that he’s heading to Knoxville this week, and not after the season.  Like most things in the Raider organization, this news created another (standard) EVERYBODY PANIC!!

“I’m pissed,” Cable said. “That’s the best way to put it. Quite frankly, that’s the only way I can put it.

“You got to understand offensive linemen. This is our world. If I can speak freely here, it’s about pride, it’s about commitment, it’s about trusting everybody next to you. So, to walk your (expletive) out of here is about as bad a deal as you could possibly do to that group of guys.”

No comment yet from Al Davis, but then again, he may not be awake yet.  Or have taken his pills.

Will this end with the once-proud Raiders refusing to take NFL-eligible Volunteers in future drafts?  We can only hope.

More on Kiffin Commentary next week.

[Tennesseean] [USA Today] [SF Gate]

Prison Team Wins BCS Championship??

December 10, 2008

BCS LogoThe recent legal issues surrounding Plaxico Burress has sparked some interesting discussions at APIAS.net headquarters.  The debates have been intense and are the kind of issues that end friendships, work relationships and crash websites.  Gun control;  Does this country need stricter gun laws to protect the citizens of this great country?  So after that was discussed gun control for approximately five minutes, we as a staff moved on to a more important question, the kind that can end life long friendships.

Can a squad of convicts field a football team that would compete for a BCS championship?  Yes, you read that correctly, now give it some thought.  Could you find 22 guys, that have been in the detention system in the last few years, good enough to beat Florida, Oklahoma, Alabama or Texas?  After hours and hours of debating we came up with a squad that has a chance…..after the jump. (more…)

FWP: Oh Hell Yes, FWP Has Returned

December 5, 2008

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Seeing as I prophesied this would return in December, I figured I ought to actually make sure it happened.  There are going to be some tweaks and changes to make this better, though.  Remember the first season of Friends?  It was pretty good; Matthew Perry was pre-drug/fat funny, David Schwimmer was self deprecating and Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox were both really hot (and coincedentally both banging Adam Duritz, but that’s for a different time).  The writers of the show knew they had something good going, but certainly there was something they could do to make sure the show had staying power… just… what was it??  BINGO!  Make sure every Cox’s and Aniston’s nipples were visible through whatever shirt they might be wearing.  Perfection.  Nine years later, they were all millionaires.  And to think, it was all because they took off their bras.  Well, you asked for it and you can have it!  I will do my damnedest to have more hot ladies in FWP.  It may be a difficult task, but I will try.  I’m here for you people, I have heard your demands and I will come through.  Along with the ladies, this is a great weekend to start back!  Conference championships in college football highlight the weekend, and then possibly the biggest game of the NFL season, college and NBA hoops, the MLB hot stove cooking up something big (Boo, I know) and a guy who some think finally got what he deserved.  Hell, this could be 10,000 words by the time we’re all said and done.  Okay, I won’t make you suffer that long.  On to the prognosticating…

  • North Carolina will keep hearing hyperbole… and deserve it.  Seriously, this is the best college basketball team I’ve seen since UK in ’96.  They are DAMN good.  Keep in mind, they are dominating every team they play, including an absolute ass whipping of Michigan State the other night in Detroit.  Oh yeah, they’re doing this all after losing a 5-star player in their second game (STILL NOT A DIRTY PLAY, BRU!).  They’re real.
  • jessicasimpsonNot even Jessica Simpson will be able to save the Cowboys.  The Cowboys don’t exactly have great mental toughness.  Their leaders are guys like TO, Tank Johnson and The Marshmallow Man Wade Phillips.  Tony Romo has looked pretty good since returning from injury, but hell, Brad Johnson was his replacement.  How could he not have looked good?  The Steelers D is #1 against the run AND the pass.  Dallas’ starting RB may or may not have broken his toe last week, their QB is recovering from a broken pinkie and their best TE has broken ribs.  Enjoy, fellas!  Steelers by ten.
  • OJ Simpson will meet a new girlfriend… in jail.  Whoops!  Yeah, I’m sure that whole other trial thing didn’t play a part in this verdict.  Nope.  Not one bit at all.  Hey, at least he’s got someone else to murder now.
  • Rajon Rondo will continue to dominate NBA games.  In return, redneck UK fans will place blame in one of two places: 1) Tubby Smith!  Of course they will.  “Tubby couldn’t coach him!  Look at him now!  He’s the best player on the best team in that NBA League!”  2) Rajon Rondo.  “He used the University of Kentucky!  He didn’t give two shits about us when he played here!”  Those are actual quotes from made-up relatives of mine in Western KY.
  • UK Football fans will not be happy.  Seriously, Nashville on New Years last year was a hell of a time.  Memphis on New Years means this man is WAY too scared of Memphis to ever go there.
  • elishacuthbertSean Avery will continue to be awesome.  Hell, I don’t know anything about the guy except for this video.  That is classic stuff.  Let’s also mention, he’s talking about the lovely Elisha Cuthbert.  Apparently, after her and I broke up, she got a thing for hockey players.  Go figure.  Anyway, instead of suspending Avery indefinitely, the NHL should have given him a statue for increasing their relativity level above SlamBall’s.
  • The Yankees and Red Sox will take a fat guy to dinner… and he doesn’t want to play for either of them!  CC Sabathia is supposedly being courted by both teams this weekend before the owners’ meetings next weekend.  Sure, money isn’t an object to either of them, but I bet the dude will make those meals count.  He made his cash in September of last year, like he cares about his weight anymore.  Has anyone seen a picture of him since the season?  Didn’t think so.  Vegas set the O/U on his weight at 300lbs and I gladly put $100 on the over.
  • Lacey will finally get kicked off of Rock of Love Charm School.  What?  You don’t watch?  No one does?  Um… awkward… um… let’s move on.
  • A conference championship football game will be played and you won’t be able to name 10 players… and I’m not even talking about the MAC game tonight.  Seriously, name 10 players in the ACC Champioship game without looking it up.  Hmm… Tyrod Taylor.  Sean Glennon.  Macho Harris.  Yeah, I’m done.  The ACC sucks.
  • Billy Gillispie will have two games and two big nights sleeping with your girlfriend.  Gosh, it had been so long since I got to write about BCG sleeping with people’s girlfriends.  It felt so good.  It felt like when you go on a trip and you can’t… Whoops.  I thought I was writing for my sex blog a story about a guy I used to know.  Anyway, the Cats play two games this weekend.  One is of little importance (Mississippi Valley State) and the other is big (Miami).  They need to win both.  Especially since they don’t play a game of significance for another month.  Watch out, though, don’t get slapped!
  • A little close there, douchebag.

    A little close there, douchebag.

    Nick Saban’s deal with the Devil will finally run out.

      I can’t put this any other way:  Florida is going to kick Alabama’s ass.  It’s going to be awesome.  Bama’s freshmen will finally look like freshmen (except for Julio Jones, who is actually 37 years old).  Florida will be so much faster than the Tide, whether Harvin plays or not.  Just believe me on this one.  Give the ten points.  There’s a reason all the hardcore gamblers move the spread from 8.5 to 10 in an hour; they know something.  Believe them.  Believe me.  If it doesn’t work out, I’ll stop giving gambling advice.  Okay, the last part isn’t true.  You know why else UF is going to win?  Because Erin Andrews went there!  Wow.  Wow.  Wow.

There you go, folks.  First one back is over and done with.  I know, it was a little rusty (that’s what she said… and kind of weirded me out).  Not to get all whatever on you, but if you’re looking for Christmas/Channukah/Kwanzaa/Festivus gifts, you should check out TOMS Shoes.  In brief, when you buy a pair of shoes, a kid in a country who needs shoes also gets a pair.  At least go watch the video.  Soapbox over.  Have a hell of a weekend, drink beer and watch sports.

FWP: It’s Not Goodbye…

August 22, 2008

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Well, folks, this is the last FWP until December.  Don’t cry, though, as this means two things: 1) College Football is back!  and 2) The return of APIAS.net Sandwich Pick ’em Scramble!  I know you love some FWP, but Pick ’em is probably the highlight of this site, other than 2SL’s grammatical errors.  I will be making my “fearless” gambling predictions on Thursday of every week.  Tune in, read my picks, then go bet the opposite and become rich.  It’s a simple theory.  I’m just here to get you through the last weekend without real football.  Luckily there’s a lot of shit going on: the Olympics are wrapping up, baseball is heating up, the Travers Stakes, NASCAR and a new Scarlett Johansson movie.  One last time… thumbs up, let’s do this!

  • The Mets will just play baseball.  Things are good in NY right now (well, not for the Yankees) so I don’t want to do anything to anger the baseball gods (you know, like this).  The Cubs, however, play the Nationals so they’re guaranteed to win all three this weekend.
  • Dale Jr. will win in Bristol on Saturday night.  Dale has been a favorite of FWP through the NASCAR season because of his incredible luck with the ladies.  He looks like someone scrunched his face together, but he has banged some of the hottest chicks around.  What a joke!  I still think his crowning achievement was Marissa Miller.  She is absolutely heavenly.  Why would a Trolldoll lookalike break up with her?  You got me.  So go win this weekend, DEJ, EDay would appreciate it.
  • The US Basketball Team is going to kick Spain’s ass.  Gold medal glory will return where it’s supposed to be.  Spain can make all the changes they want, but that changes nothing.  They’re not exactly gaining forty points in a week.  Also, can anyone figure out why some of them have their first names on the back of their jerseys while others have their last?  They are goobers.
  • Shawne Merriman is going to use steroids.  It’s not like he hasn’t used them before and now he’s got a tear in his knee?  I can almost see the syringes lying around his house.  It’s a sure bet that he fails a drug test this season.
  • Vicky Cristina Barcelona will send guys to the movie like never before.  Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz in the same movie?  Yes, please.  Super sexy, check.  Who cares if the movie is any good or not… I’ll watch the damn thing with no sound.  Please enjoy picture directly to the right.
  • Chris Henry will celebrate his new contract with the Bengals. …By getting arrested!  ZING! 
  • You will get through the weekend without college football just fine.  Just think about all the bad things associated with it:  Lou Holtz’s lisp, Holly Rowe in HD, Verne Lundquist in HD, Pam Ward talking over a game and drinking all day.  Wait, drinking all day is a good thing.  Fine, just think about Mark Mangino naked.
  • Pyro will win the Travers Stakes.  Ahh, yes, my Derby pick is back in the game.  He’s the 7-2 favorite in the biggest race of the summer and should be a clear-cut winner.  At least I hope so… you know… if I gambled.
  • Billy Gillispie will see your girlfriend win a bunch of medals, then sleep with her.  Of course I’m talking to you, whoever is lucky enough to be dating Nastia Liukin!  You had to see it coming.  She’s out there flaunting it every night, being athletic, wearing that tight suit… delicious!  If Billy seems a little more excited this week, it’s because he just doinked Nastia on the balance beam.

That’ll do, people.  It’s been a fun ride and hopefully we’ll catch back up soon enough.  Hell, I may even do a Fearless College Football Predictions next week (I believe that’s called a tease in the business), but you’ll have to check back.  Have a good weekend, drink some beers, watch some baseball and enjoy yourselves.

The Bengals Never Cease to Amaze

August 21, 2008

What – like the Bengals need another challenge entering this season? It’snot as if we’re talking about a perennial playoff contender who is making some small adjustments to move forward. This is a team with one playoff appearance since 1990, a team who went 7-9 last year, and a team whose defense allows teams to score as easily as Brad Pitt at a women’s prison (thanks to Dave Barry for that one). Not to mention the fact that they spent much of their off-season “getting tough” with star Chad Johnson, not giving into his trade demands. With an unpredictable and volatile Johnson back in Cincy for another season, and with the team floundering, and with everyone questioning Coach Marvin Lewis’ ability, and with a tough schedule, and with very low expectations for the team…why not re-sign an underachieving felon who has had 13 incidents with police in the last 3 years?

Even better, why not sign a felon that the team waived only four months ago, saying they could no longer tolerate his off-field problems? What – did he become a Boy Scout since April? I must have missed the story where he saved all those children from the burning orphanage, and then donated his free time to work at the soup kitchen…when he wasn’t delivering Sunday sermons and giving motivational speeches at schools. And Mike Brown wonders why he presides over one of the worst franchises in professional sports. With decisions like this, he’s quickly working his way into Isiah Thomas territory. I can’t wait to see his next move. Is OJ available? They could use a back-up for Rudi Johnson. Why not bring in Unabomber to be offensive coordinator? Maybe he could even convince Barry Bonds to be the team trainer. Ron Artest could be the team chaplain. I’m sure Michael Vick wouldn’t mind organizing social outings for the players on off days (dog track anyone?), and who wouldn’t agree to have Amy Winehouse in charge of the post-game buffet?

Obviously, the re-signing of Chris Henry is sure to be nothing short of a comedic adventure. A bad team, lots of explosive personalities, a disgruntled fan base, a moron who can’t stay out of handcuffs, who was once arrested (this is still hard to believe) wearing his own jersey…this is can’t miss. Rumors are that souvenir stands at Paul Brown Stadium will also be selling bulletproof vests this year – discounted for fans within range of the home team’s sideline. Also, keep an eye out for Week 7 this year – first 10,000 fans to PBS receive a free can of mace, and in Week 13, all kids 12-and-under can redeem their ticket stubs for a free tour of Henry’s latest jail cell.

So my advice for you Bengals fans, as we count down the days until kickoff? Forget about playoffs this year (if you haven’t already) – just enjoy the show.