Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.
Okay, I’m back. After a sarcastic, “Do you still write for our blog?” from TGC, I decided to participate in the only thing that makes my week worth anything. Really, the only reason I didn’t do FWP last week is because my work computer is a piece of shit. And blogging while on the clock is just plain American. If you want to check out my track record in 2009, it’s right here. Needless to say, it’s not pretty. TGC actually went so far as to post my record for the week. Thanks again, asshole. Anyway, enough about my landlord, my roommate… let’s move on. This is a huge weekend for sports; conference championships in the NFL never disappoint. ESPN is all about pimping out their games for you tomorrow, which are actually very good. The UK Jodies travel to Athens and the Vols host some Cocks. It’s also a long weekend for some, sadly the company I work for is racist so I have to work. Giddyup.
- The Arizona Cardinals will secure a trip to the Super Bowl. Yeah, I can’t believe I wrote that sentence either. Who in the hell would have ever thought this was possible? The Cardinals winning boils down to two things: 1) Brian Westbrook is NOT healthy. 2) The Arizona crowd is going to be absolutely nuts. It was a good run for Donovan and Andy, but it ends in Phoenix… Tempe… Flagstaff… whatever.
- Pittsburgh is going to throw Louisville around Freedom Hall like rag-dolls. Samardo Samuels, Edgar Sosa and Terrence Williams (who I will never call T-Will, even though his own coach does) are soft as hell. DeJuan Blair and Levance Fields are NOT soft at all and Sam Young will be the best player on the court. Watching Pittsburgh play isn’t always the most enjoyable thing, but Jamie Dixon is a fantastic basketball coach and should be getting more respect than he is. Panthers by double-digits and Rick Pitino ages four years.
- Barack Obama will be everywhere. Ugh. Fuck. Can it be four years from right now? Please?
- You will definitely not go see Paul Blart: Movie Cop. Hmm, Kevin James… no Adam Sandler… a movie about a mall cop? I don’t think so. Not even the lovely Jayma Mays will get me out to see this, even if she is hot in the “I bet if I met her at a bar, I would have a little bit of a chance,” kind of way. Okay, maybe I wouldn’t really have a chance… but I’m in quite a slump lately, so I have to dream.
- The Vols are going to take out 54 points worth of vengeance on Darrin Horn. I like Darrin Horn, we actually went to the same high school (graduated ten years apart, damn, I’m not as old as 2SL), but UT has got some pent-up anger from Tuesday night. SC is in for quite the drubbing in Knoxville. I expect Tyler, Bobby and Wayne (couldn’t those be three white lawyers’ names?) to absolutely go off. Should be really good to watch.
- Kobe is going to torch the Magic tonight in LA. Sorry, I’m just not sold on the Magic at all. First of all, their starting PG is Jameer Nelson. Yes, the fat little bastard who was on that terribly overrated St. Joes team back in ’04. Also, the Magic hit 23 3-pointers the other night, so they are due an off night. Add that to the fact that Kobe passed to Trevor Ariza the other night at the end of the game and has had to hear abou it for two days and the Lakers are going to put on a show tonight. If you’re not too drunk, do tune in.
- The road will end for Jooooooe Flaaaccoooo. Okay, I can’t do the Baltimore accent that SVP uses on Flacco’s name justice while typing, but you get the gist. As much as I dislike the Steelers and think Ben Roethlisberger is ridiculously overrated, I just don’t think the Ravens have enough in the tank. Pittsburgh is going to be absolutely bonkers on Sunday night. Most of the factories in Pittsburgh will be closed on Monday so the nasty Steeler fans can get drunk all day. Steelers by ten on a night of awesome hits.
- The Cats will struggle for a bit, beat the Bulldogs and then Billy Gillispie will sleep with your girlfriend. UK is bound to come out and not play well at the beginning of the game on Sunday afternoon. First off, I think UGA uses candles to light their gym (along with almost every team in the SEC West). Secondly, the game is at noon and I would say some of the UK players will put the Wild in Wildcat on Saturday night. Thirdly, the national media has been sucking UK’s proverbial dick all week so they’re bound to have inflated egos. It will be close for a while, but the Cats will prevail in the end. Also, if you are a UGA student with an attractive special lady, I can only give this advice: DO NOT TAKE HER TO THE GAME!
Hell yes, I just got ready for this weekend by writing that. I need a beer… and so do you.