Prison Team Wins BCS Championship??


BCS LogoThe recent legal issues surrounding Plaxico Burress has sparked some interesting discussions at headquarters.  The debates have been intense and are the kind of issues that end friendships, work relationships and crash websites.  Gun control;  Does this country need stricter gun laws to protect the citizens of this great country?  So after that was discussed gun control for approximately five minutes, we as a staff moved on to a more important question, the kind that can end life long friendships.

Can a squad of convicts field a football team that would compete for a BCS championship?  Yes, you read that correctly, now give it some thought.  Could you find 22 guys, that have been in the detention system in the last few years, good enough to beat Florida, Oklahoma, Alabama or Texas?  After hours and hours of debating we came up with a squad that has a chance…..after the jump.

Bound to prove it can be done, I took over as GM….

The Roster  (cue the cheesy montage music as we assemble the roster).

Quarterback – Michael Vick  The obvious choice to lead this football team.  The lefty with swift feet is known for his ability to move outside the pocket and make plays with his feet.  Currently serving a sentence for funding dog fighting in one of his homes, Vick is the cool under pressure and has the youth at QB we need to build for the future.  Of course the warden will require our team mascot not be the bulldogs.

Running Back – Maurice Clarett, Lawrence Phillips, Ahmad Bradshaw, Troy Hambrick, Travis Henry What depth at running back!  At one point in time, all these guys could really play.  The battle in training camp for playing time will be a fierce one.  It will be RB coach, OJ Simpson, who will be responsible for making sure these guys don’t shank each other.  Clarett is the youngest and most talented of the group.  His youth is beneficial because his body has dealt with less wear and tear but his youth is also a hindrance because it makes him more susceptible to getting shanked by the much more veteran group.

Pre-Camp Workout

Pre-Camp Workout


Wide Receiver – Rae Carruth, Plaxico Burress, Koren Robinson The lack of depth at wide receiver will require some running backs to take snaps at this position.  While this group may lack depth they make up for it with great size and ability.  We’ve been overly impressed with Carruth in pre-camp workouts.  They always say murderers make the best inmates.  We are well aware the Burress is not yet in the system but I think it is safe to say we’ll be seeing him soon.  We’ve had to eliminate the button-hook route from the playbook, apparently that phrase has a whole different meaning in prison.

Tight End – Jerramy Stevens The former Washington Huskie, Seattle Seahawk and Tampa Bay Buc was put in the slammer for armed robbery.  Armed robbery!?! That’s nothing, he’s about to be named team captain.  I mean, come on, who hasn’t stolen something before?  Stevens’ poorest decision wasn’t to rob that little old lady, it was to sign with the University of Washington to play football.

RobbinsOffensive Line – Barrett Robbins, Yemi Babalola, Ben Coleman, Nate Newton Here are four solid offensive lineman with whom we can really establish the run.  You win in the trenches and these guys have been in the trenches for a long time.  Robbins thinks he is literally in trenches in WWII.  Ben Coleman is here because he failed to pay his taxes, is that really a crime anymore?  Nate Newton is a man that’s been known to locate things from time to time.  We will need one more offensive lineman but he is out there, or in there somewhere.

Defensive Lineman – Brandon Joiner, Tank Johnson, Leonard Little, Alonzo Spellman  Tank Johnson will anchor what should be strongest part of the defense.  Spellman, the former Chicago Bear, will be the biggest question mark, his age and insanity could prove to be obstacles as the season wears on.  Oddly enough he and roommate Barrett Robbins have demonstrated great stability during pre-camp workouts.  Leonard Little is anything but Little, which has curred him favor with the bull sisters and doubled the fan base. 

Linebackers – Jeremiah Pharms, AJ Nicholson, Maurice Simmons Wouldn’t you think linebacker would be the easiest position to fill in prison?  Well it isn’t.  Great linebackers must have outstanding attorneys.  We have been really hurting at this position since our first round draft pick Ray Lewis ended up a free man.  The unknown group is not without talent.  Nicholson had a great career at Florida State or as we like to call them, our AAA farm club team.  Simmons has signed with USC and would have graduated in 2008 if we hadn’t scooped him up first.  Thank God for robbery, without it, couldn’t field a team.

Defensive Backs – Cole Corey, Darryl Henley, Dwayne Goodrich, Rod Council This was another position that was difficult to field.  Former Michigan State CB, rapist and current rapee (it is a prison word), Cole Corey will anchor the secondary built around speed.  The unit loves man-on-man coverage and has spent countless hours practicing bump-and-run coverage.

Special Teams – Not Needed.

Style of Play 

With Vick and a slew of running backs, the ground game will be vital to the team’s success.  With Vick’s speed will we run a version of the spread offense that emphasizes a vertical passing game.  Defensively the team is looking at a base 4-3 defensive scheme with linebacker freedom to chase the ball carrier.  There will be no need for a punter or kicker because going for it on all fourth downs and never kicking field goals is a staple of the program.


BYU – Players with more than one wife versus Players who haven’t seen a woman in years.  Yeah, easy W.

Yale – Taking shots at the guy who will put ten extra years on your sentence, W.

Hawaii – Rainbow Warriors vs. Rainbow Warriors, no one really wins do they?

Then we begin our prison system conference play.

BCS Championship, here we come!

3 Responses to “Prison Team Wins BCS Championship??”

  1. eDayStat Says:

    What, no Burt Reynolds?

  2. TheGoldfishCowboy Says:

    I assume they’ll be coached by Eddie Sutton?

  3. Юнкин Says:

    Спасибо, интересно было прочитать.

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