Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.
Seeing as I prophesied this would return in December, I figured I ought to actually make sure it happened. There are going to be some tweaks and changes to make this better, though. Remember the first season of Friends? It was pretty good; Matthew Perry was pre-drug/fat funny, David Schwimmer was self deprecating and Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox were both really hot (and coincedentally both banging Adam Duritz, but that’s for a different time). The writers of the show knew they had something good going, but certainly there was something they could do to make sure the show had staying power… just… what was it?? BINGO! Make sure every Cox’s and Aniston’s nipples were visible through whatever shirt they might be wearing. Perfection. Nine years later, they were all millionaires. And to think, it was all because they took off their bras. Well, you asked for it and you can have it! I will do my damnedest to have more hot ladies in FWP. It may be a difficult task, but I will try. I’m here for you people, I have heard your demands and I will come through. Along with the ladies, this is a great weekend to start back! Conference championships in college football highlight the weekend, and then possibly the biggest game of the NFL season, college and NBA hoops, the MLB hot stove cooking up something big (Boo, I know) and a guy who some think finally got what he deserved. Hell, this could be 10,000 words by the time we’re all said and done. Okay, I won’t make you suffer that long. On to the prognosticating…
- North Carolina will keep hearing hyperbole… and deserve it. Seriously, this is the best college basketball team I’ve seen since UK in ’96. They are DAMN good. Keep in mind, they are dominating every team they play, including an absolute ass whipping of Michigan State the other night in Detroit. Oh yeah, they’re doing this all after losing a 5-star player in their second game (STILL NOT A DIRTY PLAY, BRU!). They’re real.
- Not even Jessica Simpson will be able to save the Cowboys. The Cowboys don’t exactly have great mental toughness. Their leaders are guys like TO, Tank Johnson and The Marshmallow Man Wade Phillips. Tony Romo has looked pretty good since returning from injury, but hell, Brad Johnson was his replacement. How could he not have looked good? The Steelers D is #1 against the run AND the pass. Dallas’ starting RB may or may not have broken his toe last week, their QB is recovering from a broken pinkie and their best TE has broken ribs. Enjoy, fellas! Steelers by ten.
- OJ Simpson will meet a new girlfriend… in jail. Whoops! Yeah, I’m sure that whole other trial thing didn’t play a part in this verdict. Nope. Not one bit at all. Hey, at least he’s got someone else to murder now.
- Rajon Rondo will continue to dominate NBA games. In return, redneck UK fans will place blame in one of two places: 1) Tubby Smith! Of course they will. “Tubby couldn’t coach him! Look at him now! He’s the best player on the best team in that NBA League!” 2) Rajon Rondo. “He used the University of Kentucky! He didn’t give two shits about us when he played here!” Those are actual quotes from made-up relatives of mine in Western KY.
- UK Football fans will not be happy. Seriously, Nashville on New Years last year was a hell of a time. Memphis on New Years means this man is WAY too scared of Memphis to ever go there.
- Sean Avery will continue to be awesome. Hell, I don’t know anything about the guy except for this video. That is classic stuff. Let’s also mention, he’s talking about the lovely Elisha Cuthbert. Apparently, after her and I broke up, she got a thing for hockey players. Go figure. Anyway, instead of suspending Avery indefinitely, the NHL should have given him a statue for increasing their relativity level above SlamBall’s.
- The Yankees and Red Sox will take a fat guy to dinner… and he doesn’t want to play for either of them! CC Sabathia is supposedly being courted by both teams this weekend before the owners’ meetings next weekend. Sure, money isn’t an object to either of them, but I bet the dude will make those meals count. He made his cash in September of last year, like he cares about his weight anymore. Has anyone seen a picture of him since the season? Didn’t think so. Vegas set the O/U on his weight at 300lbs and I gladly put $100 on the over.
- Lacey will finally get kicked off of Rock of Love Charm School. What? You don’t watch? No one does? Um… awkward… um… let’s move on.
- A conference championship football game will be played and you won’t be able to name 10 players… and I’m not even talking about the MAC game tonight. Seriously, name 10 players in the ACC Champioship game without looking it up. Hmm… Tyrod Taylor. Sean Glennon. Macho Harris. Yeah, I’m done. The ACC sucks.
- Billy Gillispie will have two games and two big nights sleeping with your girlfriend. Gosh, it had been so long since I got to write about BCG sleeping with people’s girlfriends. It felt so good. It felt like when you go on a trip and you can’t… Whoops. I thought I was writing for my sex blog a story about a guy I used to know. Anyway, the Cats play two games this weekend. One is of little importance (Mississippi Valley State) and the other is big (Miami). They need to win both. Especially since they don’t play a game of significance for another month. Watch out, though, don’t get slapped!
Nick Saban’s deal with the Devil will finally run out.I can’t put this any other way: Florida is going to kick Alabama’s ass. It’s going to be awesome. Bama’s freshmen will finally look like freshmen (except for Julio Jones, who is actually 37 years old). Florida will be so much faster than the Tide, whether Harvin plays or not. Just believe me on this one. Give the ten points. There’s a reason all the hardcore gamblers move the spread from 8.5 to 10 in an hour; they know something. Believe them. Believe me. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll stop giving gambling advice. Okay, the last part isn’t true. You know why else UF is going to win? Because Erin Andrews went there! Wow. Wow. Wow.
There you go, folks. First one back is over and done with. I know, it was a little rusty (that’s what she said… and kind of weirded me out). Not to get all whatever on you, but if you’re looking for Christmas/Channukah/Kwanzaa/Festivus gifts, you should check out TOMS Shoes. In brief, when you buy a pair of shoes, a kid in a country who needs shoes also gets a pair. At least go watch the video. Soapbox over. Have a hell of a weekend, drink beer and watch sports.