With Christmas around the corner, Tennessee finds itself in the market for a new head football coach. Who do Tennessee fans want as their new head coach? What do Tennessee fans write on their Christmas wish lists? Well that depends on the type of Tennessee fan we are dealing with. Each type of fan is interested in a different coach. Let’s take a look at the leading candidates for each Tennessee demographic.
The Old School Guy: You know this guy, he is just like your grandfather or maybe father. He’s been a Tennessee fan his entire life but never goes to a game because he hates large crowds. 8:00pm games on Saturday keep him up too late, he compares every Tennessee football team to the 1956 team that went 10-1 and constantly complains about everything unassociated with the actual game, like jerseys, fans, music, cleats, face-masks, eye black and grass color. He will find a reason to complain, even when Tennessee wins 56-0. This is the grandfather kids hate. He is bitter, angry and retired. Things were much, much better when he was younger and the world is going to hell in a hand-basket. Anything anyone younger than him does is stupid and because the world is going to hell in hand-basket. He lives to yell at the television during Tennessee football games and gets angry when teams throw the ball on 3rd and 13.
The Old School Guy is pulling for Joe Paterno. The old school guy wants an old school coach who is just as angry at the world as he is. Of course they are angry at the media because nobody is mentioning Paterno as a possible replacement for the too young and too energetic Fulmer.
More after the jump….
The Bootlegger: The east Tennessee bootlegger is a friend to anyone unassociated with the words law enforcement. He is the guy that has money but never seems to go to work and is free on most every Tuesday afternoon. He will refer to himself as a ‘farmer’ but the only crop he uses is barley. His great grandfather was a bootlegger, his grandfather was a bootlegger and his father was a bootlegger. He is a part of the family business. If you don’t know him then you obviously don’t have a drinking problem, if you know him, well then you know what he is all about.
The Bootleggers are pulling for Mike Price. The former Alabama hire would be perfect for the bootleggers. What other football coach would bring the bootleggers and their nasty stripper girlfriends more money than Mike Price? The answer, Eddie Sutton, but he doesn’t coach football.
Restaurant Owners: These people own restaurants and want to make money. Restaurant owners are pulling for Mark Mangino. Enough said.
The Frat Guy: This is the guy who attends the University of Tennessee and goes to every game. Ofcourse if it wasn’t for the tailgating he wouldn’t go. He wears a pop collared polo to every game but none of his gear is actual Tennessee attire. He is easily picked out off a real Tennessee crowd because he is the only one not wearing orange but he will blend in magnificently with his fellow frat brothers. You can spot him at tailgates, drunk and talking football with a bimbo blond who knows less about football than he does. Her lack of football knowledge works out well for him because his private school didn’t have enough students to field a team and he spent his fall weekends at the lake or on skiing in Aspen, instead of watching football.
The Frat Guy’s choice is Houston Nutt. There is no football reasoning behind this choice, just Hailey and Hanna Nutt. Houston Nutt’s twin daughters who transfered from Arkansas to Ole Miss and would do the same if he ended up at Tennessee. If Nutt does get the job, fraternities across campus will be hoping the twins like pop collars.
The Young Alumni: Tennessee young alumni are those just emerged into the working world. Their middle of the day naps, weeknight drinking binges, and trips to strip have been all but eliminated. These young professionals are angry at the loss of easy living lifestyles and in some ways blame the University for not making it tougher to graduate therefore requiring them to complete another year of sleeping till 10am, ditching class, playing flag football, eating pizza for breakfast, wearing sweatpants all day and making out with freshmen life. This anger carries over when conversations of possible coaching candidates surfaces. They are recognizable because they will be quick to lash out at Athletic Director Mike Hamilton, Phillip Fulmer and any possible candidate you mention.
The young alumni’s choice is Graduate School. A return to school would allow the young alumni to relive that college life for at least a few more years.
The Blatant Homer: This guy or gal is all Tennessee all the time. There is no better place to live, no better university and orange is the only color. They are people who have dogs named Power T and kids named Peyton. They get visibly upset when someone speaks poorly of Tennessee and its athletic teams. Comprehending why someone would not choose Tennessee is impossible for them to do and often leads to fits of rage. They are the people who put little orange gnomes in their front yard, have those little street signs for their driveways that say “Rocky Top Lane,” and orange Tennessee welcome mats. Their cars are littered with bumper stickers and personalized licence plates that make no sense. Blatant Homer owns the most obscure Tennessee paraphernalia. They refuse to attend weddings, funerals or family functions that occur during any Tennessee sporting event, including women’s softball.
The blatant homer’s choice is either Urban Meyer, Pete Carroll, Jim Tressel or Mack Brown. According to the blatant homer all these coaches would take pay cuts to leave their current coaching positions and come to Tennessee because, well, it is the University of Tennessee. Remember, these are the people who thought Tennessee would hire Jim Calhoun or Rick Pitino as the new basketball coach a few years back.
Many different coaches find themselves at the top of different wish lists. What happens in the next month or two is up to someone…not on this list. It’s Thanksgiving so be thankful for that.