TAGMAT!: Oh, Hell

by

TAGMAT (They are giving money away today!) is a weekly column done every week by APIAS.net’s resident gambling addict, Smoothron.  This site in no way advocates gambling, especially excessively.  Smoothron’s degenerate friend, who will refer to as Casino Bobby also gives you his picks for the week.  If we can tell you anything, bet against both of them and you should be able to retire within the first month of the season.

Some people would throw in the towel at this point.  A subpar gambling season would cause some to run to the hills exclaiming, “I’m never gambling again!”  That is about the same as the time you were a college freshman and got sick in the dorm and you told your roommate, “I’m never drinking again.”  You serious, Clark?  Everyone knows that you drank the next night and everyone knows you’ll be right back checking the lines the next week.  Don’t get discouraged, find some sort of silver lining.  Isn’t there something to gain from weeks and weeks of picking losers?  Sure there is.

The good thing about this season is that teams have played five or six games.  We are starting to figure teams out, we know who they are.  Some teams aren’t as good as we thought they might be: Clemson, Auburn and Wisconsin.  Others teams ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!: Oklahoma, LSU and Texas.  So, it’s time to quit looking at expectations and now look at what teams are this season.  West Virginia isn’t very good, so don’t bet on them just because they have Pat White and Noel Devine.  Nick Saban IS very good, so don’t bet against them just because they play fifteen (15!) true freshmen.  Figure out who a team is for this year, not what they were or should have been, and then bet on them.  Hey, I tried.

Here goes nothing… or something… but probably nothing.

Casino Bobby’s Picks (Jail 1 CB 0 Last week, 8-7-2 on the year)

So. If you learn nothing from me ever again, at least we can all agree that verbally attacking the head of the state of kentucky is not the best of ideas. On the bright side, i probably saved you some bunk bets by spending the last 2 weeks in a jail cell. Oh well. How many chances do you get to call a high ranking official a “limp wristed d-bag who couldnt govern his head out of a mules ass.”
On to this weeks pics. I’ll be turning around my whole season right now. The economy may be slumping, but you stick with me and you wont even realize that your 401 K has bottomed out.

Title hopes ride with this guy?

Title hopes ride with this guy?

Mizzou -12 vs Okie St.

Chase Daniel is a dork. He’s a white kid that wears a wave cap. But that offense is as beautiful as a tall glass of scotch and a cheap hooker. No 3 and outs yet? Are you kidding me? And they are playing that, ‘I’M A MAN, COME AT ME I’M 40!!!” jerk off, so its a no brainer. Get at ’em tigers.

Clemson +2.5 vs. Wake
The ACC is just terrible. Nobody cares about it till basketball season when they’ll underachieve and get 12 teams in the Dance. In this case, Clemson shouldnt win. They suck royally, have 85% of the roster on crutches, and their coach is a bumbling idiot. But part of my turn of fortune involves going out on lonely limbs. And in this case, im the only sucker picking Clemson– and i’ll stand by that.

Kentucky +1 vs USC (little version)
The Cats went down to Tuscaloosa and went nose to nose with the hottest team in the land. Their offense continues to stall, but their defense has held them into games. This should be the same case this weekend as the Old Ball Coach takes his faggy smirk into Commonwealth– and they finally wipe that shit eating grin off his ugly face. Lones Seiber seeing less and less action give the Cats the advantage in this pick ’em game.

Tulane +4.5 vs UTEP
I have no clue. I saw Tulane play decent against the Tide, but other than that— i’ve lost so much this year im in that WTF mode already. The Green Wave has a victory in their sight lines.

Casino Bobby advises you to bet it all.

Smoothron’s Picks (1-3 last week, 8-15-1 (ouch) on the year)

The SmoothRon curse may haunt Spurrier.

The SmoothRon curse may haunt Spurrier.

SC (-1) @ UK

 

0-16.  That’s Kentucky’s record against Steve Spurrier.  Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me sixteen times, they’re just giving money away.  Spurrier does not lose to Kentucky.  It is beneath him.  I don’t care how good Kentucky looked last weekend against a flat Alabama team, nor do I care how bad South Carolina looks.  I think there’s a clause in Spurrier’s contract that says if he loses to Kentucky, he has his membership at Augusta revoked.  We all know that’s not happening.  South Carolina wins, but it’s closer than fans of the Cock (Bru) like.

Michigan State (-1.5) @ Northwestern

How could I go against my man, Javon Ringer?  That’s my dog!  He’s really good and I can’t understand that anyone on Northwestern’s defense can come close to tackling him.  Also, is there really a home-field advantage at Northwestern?  I don’t think so.  Spartans win by two TDs in Northwestern, er, somewhere outside of Chicago.

Vanderbilt (-2.5) @ Mississippi State

A good team riding a ridiculous wave going against TAGMAT!’s Public Enemy #1?!? Yes, please!  Something special is going on in Nashville this fall, and I’m not talking about the sexy girls from Belmont and Lipscomb rebelling for the first time (however glorious that may be).  Add that to the fact that Vandy is really good and Sly Croom is REALLY bad.  Also, Vandy getting upset is the sexy pick of the week and that will give them some added motivation.  Vandy goes into Starkville and wins by about 100 (give or take 80).

LSU @ Florida (-6)

Florida has lost to LSU two years in a row.  Florida hasn’t looked really impressive all year (don’t even talk to me about Miami).  Urban Meyer has been building to this game all year long and will have the Gators ready to roll.  I don’t care if Percy Harvin practices all week, he’s going to play on Saturday.  The Gators D isn’t that bad, and LSU’s QB play is.  The Swamp will be as loud as it can possibly get for this huge East/West rivalry.  Erin Andrews’ alma mater wins by thirteen.

That’ll do for another weekend of TAGMAT!  Some of the APIAS.net crew will be at Keeneland on Saturday looking good and drinking ‘shine.  Stop by the tailgate, you magnificent bastards.

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3 Responses to “TAGMAT!: Oh, Hell”

  1. TheGoldfishCowboy Says:

    I am so adding “faggy smirk” to my daily vernacular.

  2. TheGoldfishCowboy Says:

    Nice week smooth

  3. smoothron Says:

    Finally.

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