TAGMAT!: Never Make Rash Decisions!

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TAGMAT (They are giving money away today!) is a weekly column done every week by APIAS.net’s resident gambling addict, Smoothron.  This site in no way advocates gambling, especially excessively.  Smoothron’s degenerate friend, who will refer to as Casino Bobby also gives you his picks for the week.  If we can tell you anything, bet against both of them and you should be able to retire within the first month of the season.

Okay, okay, I know you were expecting to see Jim Tressel’s face in this spot.  Sure, in the past, Sly Croom’s mug appeared.  And last week, Bill Stewart graced us his with presence.  I did lose the OSU game last week, but Tressel is still good and happens to own my favorite football team so I won’t be angering him any more.  Besides, Ohio State will not lose a game for the rest of the season, play in the Rose Bowl and will generally be a good team to bet for the rest of the year.  USC is more the team to worry about, from a gambling perspective.  Did I miss the game last week on them?  Absolutely (although in my defense, I thought C. Wells was going to play).  But, USC always plays well in those types of games.  Their biggest stumbles come against mediocre Pac-10 teams they should beat by 30. 

Does that warrant Pete Carroll a ‘no bet’ picture?  Hell no!  But, bettor beware if you take the Trojans (obligatory joke passed by) for the rest of the year.  That game in the middle of the year against Arizona may look like a lock at 18.5, but that Stanford game looked the same last year.  USC is really good, but every announcer will talk about how no one can beat them, they should be playing in the NFC West and all that shit.  Diatribe over.

It’s a great weekend to be a college football fan!  LSU goes to Auburn to maybe decide in September who wins the SEC West.  UGA is going west of Alabama for the first time since I’ve been alive.  The Gators are on upset alert with a trip to Knoxville.  And, mercifully, the Wolverines are NOT playing so no one has to watch that ‘offense.’  Grab a tv (or 3, like we had at APIAS headquarters last weekend), grab 100 beers and get comfortable.  Saturday could be a LOOOOONG one.  Let’s make some money! 

Casino Bobby’s Picks (2-1-1 last week, 6-4-1 on the year)

Are you kidding me Sly Croom? Seriously? You’re gonna bend me over like a cheap hooker after I stuck by you all this time? I’m a regular martyr. Most black people love me, not sure what I ever did to ruffle your feathers.

Regardless, I got back on the winning track last week and if not for the pitchers duel that broke out in Starkville, I had a shot at being undefeated. This week i’m back at. I’ll be doing my best David Copperfield and pulling out the whole bag of tricks. I’ve been studying the lines since Monday, while listening to my Allman Brothers record on repeat. Here’s your winners…

WVU (-3) @ Colorado
I know I know, we’ve already been taken to the cleaners by WVU this season. The good news here is they are playing Colorado. Unless that big ass buffalo is actually suiting up this week, i just dont see CU staying within a touchdown. Kordell Stewart aint walking through that door. 

Vandy (+7) @ Ole Miss
The perennial battle of the two SEC teams that nobody really gives a damn about. This one took me awhile to decide on, but I think Vandy wins it outright with a late score in the 4th.  I concluded this based on line from “Fortunate Son.” I wont give away the line, and looking back, it really makes no sense anyway. I was obviously drunk and hadnt taken my pills. Regardless, Eli Manning aint walking through that door.

Alabama @ Arkansas (+10)
I dont like anything about either of these teams. I do think Arkansas will finally show up and keep it close. Petrino can only take so much of an inferior product, which is why he left Louisville. And why he left Atlanta like 7 days later. So they Hogs get it within a touchdown, and Saban et. all escape with a tough SEC road victory. Also let it be known that John parker Wilson is a raging d-bag.

Pitt (-1) vs. Iowa
Iowa still plays football?

Smoothron’s Picks (2-1-1 last week, 5-6-1 on the year)

LSU @ Auburn UNDER 38

So, Auburn put up 3 points last week and gave up only 2.  LSU’s defense is equally as nasty as it was last year, if not better.  There’s just no way either of these teams score 20 points in this game.  The offenses are too anemic and the defenses are too good.  Another 3-2 game for Auburn is absolutely not out of the question.  The game wouldn’t even be that horrible to watch, with all the SEC athletes flying around on each defense.

Wake Forest @ Florida State (-4)

Wake is just trying to join the national scene, as FSU is trying to re-join the national scene.  This is a huge game in determining the fate of the ACC and I just think FSU’s upswing has more momentum than Wake’s at this point.  The Seminole faithful know this game is huge and will be out in full force.  It could end up being one of those, “That was as loud as I’ve EVER heard that place,” kind of nights.  The Deacs are absolutely intimidated and lose by 2 TDs.

LSU @ Auburn (+2 1/2)

Can you say, “Parlay?”  Yes, I have done the unthinkable and will be double-dipping on this affair.  I really like Auburn to win this game straight up, actually.  They were obviously looking ahead to this game last week during the MSU game and this is a big revenge game for them.  They absolutely should have beaten LSU last year in Baton Rouge and let it slip away at the end.  The Tigers rally ’round their family and win by a FG.

Georgia (-7) @ Arizona State

Georgia plays well when they need to and last week wasn’t that week.  They needed to get a win and then get the hell out of Columbia, SC.  Done and done.  Now, they have bigger plans.  They have to go out west and play well in front of that part of the country (specifically the recruits they’ve invited to the game), they have to annihilate a Pac-10 team on national television in primetime and they have to impress Erin Andrews.  Bulldogs roll by how many ever they want.  But, let’s be honest, Erin Andrews + Hot ASU Girls = EVERYBODY WINS!!!

 

Man, Kordell Stewart looks like a dinosaur, no?

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3 Responses to “TAGMAT!: Never Make Rash Decisions!”

  1. BobWicket Says:

    C. Wells??? You mean Beanie?

  2. smoothron Says:

    I am not, actually, referring to Vince Vaughn’s character in Old School.

  3. casino Says:

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