TAGMAT!: So it Begins

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TAGMAT (They are giving money away today!) is a weekly column done every week by APIAS.net’s resident gambling addict, Smoothron.  This site in no way advocates gambling, especially excessively.  Smoothron’s degenerate friend, who will refer to as Casino Bobby also gives you his picks for the week.  If we can tell you anything, bet against both of them and you should be able to retire within the first month of the season.

I am so excited to be able to gamble again.  Yes, I’m aware that gambling is allowed on sports other than college football, but this is the official start of the gambling season.  Get excited!  With no games to recap from the last week, I’ll go ahead and share a story about where the title of this column came from.  Let me take you back to Keeneland, April of 2006.  Casino Bobby, BobWicket, cp22bru, Casino Bobby’s mom and a cast of thousands are tailgating before heading into the races.  I put down about 20 beers in two hours and embarrassed myself incredibly in front of CB’s mom.  Quite impressive, of course.  Somehow, I managed to find my way to the track and was coherent enough to place and win a few bets.  CB and Bru are looking for me and spot me from a balcony looking down at the paddock.  “Smooth!  What the hell are you doing??”  I look up, perplexed, and then realize these are my friends.  “Boys, they are giving money away today!”  I, of course, had won about $37.  Regardless, that’s how we’re looking at this season:  they’re just going to give us the money.  Follow along after the jump if you want to live like Turtle for the rest of your life.

Casino Bobby’s Picks

CB is back and ready to take home a little gold mine this season.  I still can’t describe how sorry I am about my picks last season.  I had a few issues with the bottle and an appetite for cocaine and midgets that obviously clouded my better judgment with most of my weekly picks.  If I cost you a good mint – I’m about to make up for it.  Here are some guarantees in Week 1.

Clemson (-5) vs Alabama (Neutral)

As many of you may know, I’ve recently relocated to Tuscaloosa after I foreclosed on my family’s home in Bullitt County.  Even as a resident, I still can’t get on board with the Tide until John Parker Wilson either dies or graduates.  Alabama’s still a year away from climbing back up to their normal SEC standings.  Sorry, Bama fans, but you’ve had more arrests than victories over the past year.  Clemson takes this low scoring one by a TD.

Kentucky (+4) at Louisville

Are you serious, Vegas?  You’re giving one away on Week 1?  I’ll advise ass to bet a mortgage payment on the Cats; and not just take the 4, take the moneyline if anyone will give it to you.  Louisville returns nothing and they keep getting hit with injuries and drug suspensions.  The Cats keep it on the ground and destroy UL on the line.  Not even close in this one, Cats walk in front of a pro-UK crowd at Papa Johns Stadium.

Western KY (+21) at Indiana

I’ll be honest, boys, I really have no clue what either team is bringing to the table other than a big stack of pathetic.  IU Athletics are still reeling from the Kelvin incident and honestly – their athletes couldn’t care less.  Western is even more pathetic on the field, but not 3 TDs more awful.  This one is a game until late in the 4th and IU ends up winning by about 17, in front of their friends and family.

Memphis at Ole Miss (-7)

The state of Mississippi did well on the football front this off-season.  Sly Croom has MSU back to contending for bowl games and Ole Miss added some Nutts.  A new coach not named Orgeron should put Ole Miss back on the map (just in Mississippi, not nationally and certainly not in the SEC), but if they ain’t a TD better than freaking Memphis, then kiss Calipari and Penny Hardaway’s ass.

Casino Bobby advises you to bet it all.

Smoothron’s Picks

Mississippi State (-8 1/2) at Louisiana Tech

I didn’t even look at CB’s picks until I’d made mine, but apparently we’re big fans of the state of Mississippi.  I love when SEC teams go and play out of conference, especially when they are bad teams like LaTech.  The speed and athleticism of the SEC dwarfs these corny, non-BCS schools.  Coach Croom and the boys roll into Ruston and win by at least 20.

Illinois (+9) vs. Missouri (Neutral)

I’m not a big fan of Missouri or Chase Daniels and cannot believe they’re getting talked about as being in the BCS title game.  They’re a one-year wonder.  Juice Williams will be by far the most athletic person on the field and will control the game with both his legs and his arm.  An inspired Illinois team will look to get revenge on last years 3 point loss to the Tigers.  The Illini may not win, but they don’t get beat by more than a TD.  Take the Zookers!

USC (-20) at Virginia

USC is, like always, very good.  Virginia, like always, is a joke of a football team.  I still can’t figure out why Al Groh is talked about like he’s Bear F’ing Bryant or something.  When is the last time they won a marquee game?  I sure as hell can’t remember.  They definitely lost their best player in Chris Long and they are overmatched at every position on the football field.  Pete Carroll will have the troops absolutely ready to come out and destroy on Saturday with an off week between the Cavaliers and the Buckeyes.  Also, this game will be ugly late which means that second-stringers will be playing and USC’s second-string would be ranked in the top 25.

Tennessee (-8) at UCLA

TGC will probably want to kill me for picking the Vols here, but I think they are a lot better than the Bruins.  First of all, UCLA is still reeling from the tenure of Karl Dorrell, which wasn’t good for anyone involved.  Secondly, Rick Neuheisel has been way more concerned with his Week 1 picks than with actually getting ready for the game.  Thirdly, SEC > Pac10.  Finally, I am just praying that UT wins big so that life living with TGC doesn’t go downhill.  It’s just a lot less violent when the Vols play well.  Also, there should be Erin Andrews’ sightings all throughout the game, which means we all win.

Smoothron says bet them all… it’s the first week.

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11 Responses to “TAGMAT!: So it Begins”

  1. Casino Bobby Says:

    This old coon hound is betting a little green on an 8-team parlay

  2. TheGoldfishCowboy Says:

    The only pick on here that doesn’t scare me is ILL +9. And that’s because I think Missouri football is a joke.

    As for the rest… you guys are nuts.

    Croom? WKU? Sheesh.

  3. 2ndstorylloyd Says:

    remember when erin andrews and i got in a fight and i said i thought it was a good idea that we see other people? i regret that decision everyday

  4. The W Says:

    I’m sure the fight began something like this:
    Erin:”2SL, is that really all you have?”
    2SL: “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

  5. Laub Says:

    good blog
    it’s very useful.
    Thanks.

  6. Mathys Says:

    cool pics

  7. Looper Says:

    Interesting read . . . I think I’m going to write a semi-reply on my blog but I’ll link back to yours

  8. Spurgeon Says:

    Great site. Thx!

  9. Couvillier Says:

    wah mantab sob langsung tak coba aja dech.. blog deraibali

  10. Successful Says:

    Thannk you very much for your writing.
    I wish you happy good days ziza.net

  11. Virgilio Blauw Says:

    Between me and my husband we’ve owned more MP3 players over the years than I can count, including Sansas, iRivers, iPods (classic & touch), the Ibiza Rhapsody, etc. But, the last few years I’ve settled down to one line of players. Why? Because I was happy to discover how well-designed and fun to use the underappreciated (and widely mocked) Zunes are.

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