Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.
Well, folks, this is the last FWP until December. Don’t cry, though, as this means two things: 1) College Football is back! and 2) The return of APIAS.net Sandwich Pick ’em Scramble! I know you love some FWP, but Pick ’em is probably the highlight of this site, other than 2SL’s grammatical errors. I will be making my “fearless” gambling predictions on Thursday of every week. Tune in, read my picks, then go bet the opposite and become rich. It’s a simple theory. I’m just here to get you through the last weekend without real football. Luckily there’s a lot of shit going on: the Olympics are wrapping up, baseball is heating up, the Travers Stakes, NASCAR and a new Scarlett Johansson movie. One last time… thumbs up, let’s do this!
- The Mets will just play baseball. Things are good in NY right now (well, not for the Yankees) so I don’t want to do anything to anger the baseball gods (you know, like this). The Cubs, however, play the Nationals so they’re guaranteed to win all three this weekend.
- Dale Jr. will win in Bristol on Saturday night. Dale has been a favorite of FWP through the NASCAR season because of his incredible luck with the ladies. He looks like someone scrunched his face together, but he has banged some of the hottest chicks around. What a joke! I still think his crowning achievement was Marissa Miller. She is absolutely heavenly. Why would a Trolldoll lookalike break up with her? You got me. So go win this weekend, DEJ, EDay would appreciate it.
- The US Basketball Team is going to kick Spain’s ass. Gold medal glory will return where it’s supposed to be. Spain can make all the changes they want, but that changes nothing. They’re not exactly gaining forty points in a week. Also, can anyone figure out why some of them have their first names on the back of their jerseys while others have their last? They are goobers.
- Shawne Merriman is going to use steroids. It’s not like he hasn’t used them before and now he’s got a tear in his knee? I can almost see the syringes lying around his house. It’s a sure bet that he fails a drug test this season.
- Vicky Cristina Barcelona will send guys to the movie like never before. Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz in the same movie? Yes, please. Super sexy, check. Who cares if the movie is any good or not… I’ll watch the damn thing with no sound. Please enjoy picture directly to the right.
- Chris Henry will celebrate his new contract with the Bengals. …By getting arrested! ZING!
- You will get through the weekend without college football just fine. Just think about all the bad things associated with it: Lou Holtz’s lisp, Holly Rowe in HD, Verne Lundquist in HD, Pam Ward talking over a game and drinking all day. Wait, drinking all day is a good thing. Fine, just think about Mark Mangino naked.
- Pyro will win the Travers Stakes. Ahh, yes, my Derby pick is back in the game. He’s the 7-2 favorite in the biggest race of the summer and should be a clear-cut winner. At least I hope so… you know… if I gambled.
- Billy Gillispie will see your girlfriend win a bunch of medals, then sleep with her. Of course I’m talking to you, whoever is lucky enough to be dating Nastia Liukin! You had to see it coming. She’s out there flaunting it every night, being athletic, wearing that tight suit… delicious! If Billy seems a little more excited this week, it’s because he just doinked Nastia on the balance beam.
That’ll do, people. It’s been a fun ride and hopefully we’ll catch back up soon enough. Hell, I may even do a Fearless College Football Predictions next week (I believe that’s called a tease in the business), but you’ll have to check back. Have a good weekend, drink some beers, watch some baseball and enjoy yourselves.