What – like the Bengals need another challenge entering this season? It’snot as if we’re talking about a perennial playoff contender who is making some small adjustments to move forward. This is a team with one playoff appearance since 1990, a team who went 7-9 last year, and a team whose defense allows teams to score as easily as Brad Pitt at a women’s prison (thanks to Dave Barry for that one). Not to mention the fact that they spent much of their off-season “getting tough” with star Chad Johnson, not giving into his trade demands. With an unpredictable and volatile Johnson back in Cincy for another season, and with the team floundering, and with everyone questioning Coach Marvin Lewis’ ability, and with a tough schedule, and with very low expectations for the team…why not re-sign an underachieving felon who has had 13 incidents with police in the last 3 years?
Even better, why not sign a felon that the team waived only four months ago, saying they could no longer tolerate his off-field problems? What – did he become a Boy Scout since April? I must have missed the story where he saved all those children from the burning orphanage, and then donated his free time to work at the soup kitchen…when he wasn’t delivering Sunday sermons and giving motivational speeches at schools. And Mike Brown wonders why he presides over one of the worst franchises in professional sports. With decisions like this, he’s quickly working his way into Isiah Thomas territory. I can’t wait to see his next move. Is OJ available? They could use a back-up for Rudi Johnson. Why not bring in Unabomber to be offensive coordinator? Maybe he could even convince Barry Bonds to be the team trainer. Ron Artest could be the team chaplain. I’m sure Michael Vick wouldn’t mind organizing social outings for the players on off days (dog track anyone?), and who wouldn’t agree to have Amy Winehouse in charge of the post-game buffet?
Obviously, the re-signing of Chris Henry is sure to be nothing short of a comedic adventure. A bad team, lots of explosive personalities, a disgruntled fan base, a moron who can’t stay out of handcuffs, who was once arrested (this is still hard to believe) wearing his own jersey…this is can’t miss. Rumors are that souvenir stands at Paul Brown Stadium will also be selling bulletproof vests this year – discounted for fans within range of the home team’s sideline. Also, keep an eye out for Week 7 this year – first 10,000 fans to PBS receive a free can of mace, and in Week 13, all kids 12-and-under can redeem their ticket stubs for a free tour of Henry’s latest jail cell.
So my advice for you Bengals fans, as we count down the days until kickoff? Forget about playoffs this year (if you haven’t already) – just enjoy the show.