NAME: Andrew Bogut
DATE OF BIRTH: November 28, 1984
LOCATION(S): Melbourne, Australia/Milwaukee, Wisconsin/NBA Draft Lottery
WANTED FOR: Stealing approximately $72 million from the Milwaukee Bucks basketball club, impersonating a quality NBA center
DISTINGUISHING MARKS: Australian accent, bad haircut, terrible stench, lack of coordination
LAST SEEN: Crying on Australia’s bench after a 116-85 loss to Team USA
CASE DETAILS: On or about July 5, 2008, suspect signed a five-year extension to continue “playing” basketball for the Milwaukee Bucks professional basketball club (hereinafter referred to as the Bucks). Contract is reported to be worth at least $60 million, and could reach $72.5 million if suspect reaches agreed-upon incentives. Bucks officials were believed to have been drugged at the time said contract was signed, given that Bogut posted only measly averages of 14.3 points per game and 9.8 rebounds per game. Furthermore, the Bucks won only 26 games last year, providing only more evidence that Bucks officials were not able to think clearly in paying extravagantly to bring back a core member of that team.
In his time in Milwaukee, suspect has reportedly alienated teammates and fellow NBA employees with surly attitude, and incomprehensible arrogance. Furthermore, his greasy haircut continues to bring down the entire league, threatening all sense of style in cities across the United States. Finally, suspect has shown little to no remorse for stealing fans’ money with said contract, despite being a mediocre center (at best) on a bad team.
CRIMINAL HISTORY: In 2005, while attending the University of Utah, suspect was also believed to have been behind a heist that allowed the John R. Wooden and the James Naismith College Player of the Year awards to be falsely presented to him, over candidates such as Chris Paul, Sean May or Francisco Garcia. Suspect received awards under false pretenses, as he played in a community college-level conference with little quality competition.
NOTE: SUSPECT IS CONSIDERED ARMED WITH POOR FREE-THROW SHOOTING ABILITY (58%), AND MAY LAUNCH BASKETBALLS FROM ANY AND ALL ANGLES TO ATTEMPT TO ESCAPE. IF FOUND, PLEASE REPORT TO TEAM USA, WHO WILL PROCEED TO BEAT HIS ASS ONCE AGAIN.