Thinking Baseball….Pedro Cerrano Style

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While taking a break from a grueling work afternoon at APIAS.net headquarters I stumbled across a VHS copy of Major League.  Of course I blocked off two hours in the middle of an afternoon on a Wednesday to view this fantastic movie for what is probably the 25th time.

During the final scene while the team is celebrating winning the pennant, when Roger Dorn punches Rick ‘Wild Thing’ Vaughn in the face for banging his wife, then picks him up and hugs him, I thought to myself, “Is there anything that happens in baseball that can’t be described via a Major League quote?”

It is common place at APIAS.net headquarters to hear the following terms…

  • “He got dorned.” – To describe someone getting hit with anything, like a baseball, cars, female fist, croquet mallets, or restraining orders.
  • “Give ’em the heater.” – A nice way to say, that it’s not about pleasure, it’s a race and I intend on winning.
  • “Just a bit outside.” – To describe that awkward moment when the weird one in the group takes the conversation to a level no one is comfortable with.
  • “You trying to say Jesus Christ can’t hit a curve-ball?” – Used during most religious discussions to depict the ultimate battle between good and evil.
  • “You may run like Mays, but you hit like shit.” – A way to politely inform your friend who is not so good at sports that he can’t be on your team because winning is more important than friendship.
  • “Don’t give me this ‘Ole!’ bullshit.” -Getting denied the rodeo in bed (if you get it, you get it.)
  • “Too high! Too too high!” – To describe Smoothron in high school.
  • “Saw your wife last night, great little dancer. That guy she was with?  I’m sure he’s a real close personal friend, but tell me, what was he doing with her panties on his head?” – A comforting way to say, “Dude, your girlfriend is cheating on you.”
  • “Most of these guys never had a prime.” – To describe our softball team.
  • “Don’t worry, nobody is listening anyway.” – To describe our radio show.
  • “I’m hung over, my knees are killin’ me and if you’re going to pull this shit at least you could’ve said you were from the Yankees.” – To describe Sunday afternoons.
  • “Nice catch, Hayes. Don’t ever fuckin’ do it again.” – To describe that one magical night where your girlfriend has a let down in judgement and lets you do that one thing she swore she’d never let you do, then vows it will never happen again.
  • “Hat for bat.” – To describe the female act of putting a condom on with her mouth.

Got a little carried away there.

Of course, after hours of research I have concluded that there are things in baseball that can’t be described via a Major League quote, however, those that can are much funnier than those that can’t.

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3 Responses to “Thinking Baseball….Pedro Cerrano Style”

  1. BobWicket Says:

    This reminds me of a young 2ndStory telling a young BobWicket, upon finding out BobWicket had never seen Major League, “I think it’s like the 11th commandment or something…’Thou shalt watch Major League and Thou shalt laugh vigorously.’ ”

    It changed my life.

  2. 2ndstorylloyd Says:

    I’m a life changer

  3. The W Says:

    ‘ “You may run like Mays, but you hit like shit.” – A way to politely inform your friend who is not so good at sports that he can’t be on your team because winning is more important than friendship. ‘

    I believe this one was used on me when other APIAS members decided not to invite me, the ONLY one from our other softball endeavors, not to play in church league. Maybe it was the incessant swearing, the bad knees, the gut, but I know it wasn’t my hitting, since I did hit over .500 this year. They may have all been singles, but at least I didn’t foul out to the catcher 12 times *cough 2SL cought*. Once again, fuck you guys, but I love you.

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