So in an odd turn of events, or just a sign that I’m getting old and pathetic, I jacked my back up in rec-league basketball on Sunday night and literally couldn’t walk on Monday. Not like broken spine couldn’t walk, just shooting pains in the lower back couldn’t walk. As I sat on my couch and worked from home all day (read: played MLB The Show) a strange thought occurred to me. If my company ran like the Bigs, where would that put me right now?
Wouldn’t it be awesome if my manager had called me and said “we’re putting you on the 15 day DL and bringing up a student worker to fill your position.” Or possibly, “we’re sending you down to the mail room until you’re back to 100%.” That would have been awesome. As long as I was still earning my major league contract money, or salary in the business world. For more ways that your office would be more awesome if it were ran like baseball, follow the MORE.
How else would it be weird? Well, you could only spend so much money on your engineering department, your HR department, and your managers. That’d be just like the salary cap in baseball. Wait, what? They don’t have one. Well looks like American businesses already run like the Majors in that they spend money hand over fist as fast as they make it (and in many cases when they don’t).
That parallel falls really close to home because the company I work for isn’t really close in the marketplace and feels like a small fish in a big pond. They also have pretty high turnover rates and can only afford to pay people semi-competitively. Hello Oakland A’s!
It’d also be great if the work year only lasted 7 months and if the company was doing really well they’d slam out an extra two weeks of work in November. March would be a month for everyone to just come in with all the old people sluffing off and playing solitaire while all the young folks worked their asses off to try to keep their job and earn a promotion. It’d be pretty sweet. Just like a mini Spring Training.
I personally think it’d be the shit if I were sitting at my desk, finally got the last bits of code in an Excel macro right, and right as it starts parsing data about 20,000 people standing outside my office door just went ape shit! They could all just crowd around in the hall while a guy went up and down selling hot dogs and beer. Possibly coffee and muffins for the AM shift? Why the Hell not!?!
The salary range would be a nice turnaround if the people who do good, solid work made more than their management. That’s not happening any time soon, so forget that. It would also be sweet if some kid brought me all the tools I need to do work and drinks, like a bat boy. Oh yeah, nevermind I already talked about student interns. Got that one covered.
I can see it now, pick up the local paper and the headline reads “eDayStat works 10 hour shift, finds problem with product, saves company’s ass.” There’d be reporters standing outside my office at 5 everyday asking me how I typed that day. Asking me how I was able to sit through that 2 hours staff meeting and stay awake. Inquiring about how I cut that e-mail thread in half in order to only send it to people who had an effing clue what it was about in the first place. The possibilites are endless.
Unfortunately, none of this is true. I had to get up at 7 and go to work today like always. Nothing had changed and my office was just as dark and dingy as ever. But a man can dream can’t he? Can’t he???