Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.
Sorry, people. I didn’t mean to leave you all hanging last weekend. I must have been worn out after the loooong 4th of July weekend. I may have actually achieved my goal of drinking one hundred beers over the weekend. As a few people told me, “It’s great you’ve finally found some goals.” I agreed and moved on. It’s probably for the best this didn’t go up last week, as I would have told you to bet it all on Curlin in the Man O’ War Stakes. It’s safe to say that Curlin won’t be racing on turf again any time soon. Lucky for you, FWP has returned to guide you through post-All-Star-break baseball, the Brett Favre saga, Kelenna Azubuike’s unlikely destination and The British Open (what the hell is The Open?). Thumbs up, let’s do this…
- The Mets will play baseball. Yeah, you thought I was going to talk about that one thing? That thing that rhymes with men maim spinning meek? Not a chance in hell.
- Greg Norman will defy all odds and win the British Open. Seriously, why is it just called The Open now? When did this happen? First, Pluto’s not a planet and now this? I am not okay with all these changes. Anyway, Greg’s recent marriage to Chris Evert has sparked him to a lead at the British Open. Not bad for a guy that’s as old as my dad. Also, Greg’s sperm brought us his smoking hot daughter, Morgan. Morgan has previously been linked to Sergio Garcia, no worries if you date Morgan, if you’ve seen Serg play golf you know he probably couldn’t putt it in the hole. Ohhhh, NO I DIDN’T!
- Oakland will trade more players. I still haven’t figured out why GMs answer the phone when Billy Beane calls, but they still do. Beane will continue to Moneyball the pants off of you, especially if you happen to be a male. EDay has promised analysis of more A’s trades to be expected over the weekend.
- The Clippers will try to be the first team to have every player on Injured Reserve. First, they sign oft-injured Baron Davis. Then, they traded for Marcus Camby’s legs (it’s not 1996 anymore). The only healthy player left may be the newly signed (hopefully) Kelenna Azubuike. In other news, my friends and I used to scream, “Azu-bukkake!!,” after Kelenna dunked on someone. If you don’t know what bukkake is, I don’t want to be your friend.
- You will want to do it with Maggie Gyllenhaal. If the statistics are right, you are probably going to see The Dark Knight this weekend. Since I’m a loser, I went to a midnight showing last night. I took away two things from the movie: 1) I shouldn’t have broken up with Maggie Gyllenhaal, she’s hot and her voice is sexy. 2) Heath Ledger is a really good Joker. As 2SL’s brother so eloquently put the other night, “Man, I heard that Heath Ledger guy is really good in The Dark Knight… He’s really going places.” Also, our good friend Burnsy is uber excited about this movie. Go check out his Nerd Boner.
- Somehow, people will continue to talk about Brett Favre. Look, I’m not hating on Brett. The guy had a change of heart, it happens to a lot of people. But, does it need to be talked about to everyone at every moment of the day? I was getting busy the other day with a fine female and she axed me what I thought the Packers were going to do with Favre. Okay, that story isn’t true, but a friend of mine… him and her got it on!! Whooooeeeee!!
- The number of days until College Football starts will continue to get smaller. Seriously, how close is it? Six weeks? I am definitely getting anxious. Who doesn’t love Wisconsin playing on ESPN at noon, Doug Flutie just happy to be somewhere and twelve-team parlays? Now I’m really anxious. Also, this is the funniest thing I have seen all year. Bar none. (link)
- Billy Gillispie will watch you host The ESPY’S, then sleep with your girlfriend. Justin Timberlake is living the dream right now. Everything he does turns to gold, or platinum for that matter. Like his music or not, the ladies fawn over his voice. He has a decent acting career starting and for some reason ESPN hired him to host this year’s biggest show in sports awards. Let’s be honest, though, the reason he’s awesome is that he could probably bang any female on the planet. My sources tell me his latest female of choice is Jessica Biel. I give him props for that, as she’s pretty hot. Unfortunately for him, the only person who has bigger persuasion over the lady is Coach Billy Clyde. Sorry JT, Billy will leave you a message after he bangs your girl: Cry Me a River.
That’s it for the weekend in sports. TGC, 2SL, BobWicket and I will be in Cincy tonight for Reds/Mets. Enjoy your weekend and remember to stay hydrated, it’s hot out there!