FLWP: Celebrating Independence The Right Way

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

It’s a perfect storm that happens once or twice a decade.  The 4th of July takes place on a Friday which means a long weekend of debauchery.  This weekend will be extra special for the APIAS crew: TGC will 2-2-2 the Tigers as they attempt to “keep the turtle head poking out,” EDay will make sure none of the Indians he works with read his scathing review of the game of cricket, 2SL will keep making sacrifices to the baseball gods after doing this and I will attempt to get in the triple digits in the category: number of beers drank for weekend.  Add those to BobWicket’s move and TheW’s wild 4th of July bash and there is quite a bit to get done.  There’s also a lot of baseball to be watched, NASCAR night racing, checking up on Brett Favre’s every move and hiding your girlfriend from you-know-who.  Enough with the intro, let’s get to it.  As always, long weekend means long predictions…

• The Mets will win one, then lose one, then win one, then lose another.  That seems to be the new mantra of the team, “No winning OR losing streaks!”  That’s a perfect way to end up right at .500, where MLB’s third highest payroll is destined.  Nevermind the fact they’re playing the Phillies (Friday-Sunday) and it would be a great time to make up some ground.
• Brett Favre will keep calling Mike McCarthy.  Seriously, Brett?  You just bawled your eyes out like two months ago at your “retirement” press conference.  At least Jordan took two years off before making his return.  Take a hint.  I’ve never had a wife and kid, but is it really that bad being home with them?  Well, seeing as your wife, Deanna is a smoking hot cougar… Yeah, I’m pissed.  Shut up, stay home, bang your hot wife.
• Venus Williams is going to win Wimbledon.  But, she’s not hot, so she doesn’t get her picture put up.  Instead of working on tennis, work on being more attractive.
• Seattle citizens will mourn the loss of the Sonics.  Didn’t they used to be the SuperSonics?  Anyway, at least you’ve got the Mariners!  Er, at least you’ve got the Seahawks. Um… the Storm?  Or do WNBA teams leave with their NBA counterparts?  Who cares?  It’s the WNBA.  The best hope for Seattle is that grunge rock becomes cool again.  The ball is in your court, Soundgarden/Pearl Jam/Nirvana.
• The Tigers will continue playing good baseball against the Mariners.  The hits just keep on coming, Seattle!  It’s never a good sign when teams and fans look at a weekend trip to your city and think, “I’m damn near certain we win at least two of three.”  Look at the bright side, Mariner fan: At least you didn’t give out ridiculous contracts to bring in busts and trade what little prospects you had for a bust pitcher.  Oh, whoops.  There’s going to be a lot of drinking going on in Seattle this weekend.
• Dale Earnhardt Jr. will win Saturday night in Daytona.  Yes, I know, this is Dale’s third time being picked the winner of the NASCAR race on FWP.  A dubious honor, indeed.  Dale did actually get a win for the first time in years a few weeks back which made EDay really happy (until someone brought up cricket, apparently).  Honestly though, the guy really doesn’t need to race.  Here is yet another one of his ex-girlfriends, Lauren Anderson.  Simply incredible.  How does he keep letting these women get away?  Also, many NSFW pics available of Lauren (if that’s your thing) on the web.
• Alex Rodriguez will slump, big time.  This guy is probably the best baseball player in the world, but he’s also very aware of his public image.  All this stuff about him separating from his wife, him banging Madonna, his wife banging Lenny Kravitz; well, that is not going to be good for his batting average.  Madonna’s hot and all, but couldn’t A-Rod find someone hotter if he was going to cheat on his wife?
• Oakland will take care of the White Sox in Chicago.  This will make this entire staff happy.  When the A’s win, EDay’s happy.  When the White Sox lose, TGC is happy.  When anyone besides he loses, 2SL is happy.  I’m just happy when my friends are happy.  Cue the gay music!
• Stephen A. Smith will talk about LeBron James.  It goes without merit, anymore.  He just starts screaming about this year’s free agents and somehow still ties it into, “LEBRON JAMES WILL BE A NEW JERSEY NET IN 2010!!!  HIM AND JAY-Z ARE BOYS!!!”  Seriously, we’re two years away from this, but he feels the need to say it everyday.  I would guess LeBron never wears a Net jersey.
• Hancock will bomb.  Unless it co-stars DJ Jazzy Jeff, I don’t need to see any more Will Smith movies.  Not even Charlize Theron can save this one.  She looks good, though, no?
• The Cubs will take care of business.  Gosh, I really hope so.  If you’ve ever seen 2SL after they lose a few in a row, you know what I mean.  Think of a four year old who has been awake for too long, has a poopy diaper, is hungry and drunk.  Well, actually, that’s about how he acts all the time.
• You will hear a soft whisper in the wind.  It will be College Football calling your name.  We are officially under two months until kickoff.  Gambling, beer, gambling and football.  Hurry up, August.
• Ellis Park WILL have live horse racing.  Apparently my diatribe about the closing has changed some minds.  According the Henderson Gleaner (a top-5 national newspaper, for places named Henderson), live racing still may be salvaged.  I applaud all of you who called President Bush, your Congressman or me.  This is what America is all about!
• The Golden State Warriors and Los Angeles Clippers will trade injured players.  What’s the deal with this?  Baron Davis and Don Nelson didn’t get along, but why would the Clippers sign him?  A guy who has professed he likes making movies more than basketball?  Oh, and has bum knees?  I guess Shaun Livingston’s injury is worse than they want to let on.  And, Golden State… does Elton Brand really fit into Nellie’s up-and-down system?  6’4″, lumbering post players don’t seem the best fit.
• Your girlfriend will dress up very patriotic, then Billy Gillispie will sleep with her.  You had to know it was coming, right?  You can’t let your special lady going out on the town looking like this and not expect Lexington’s Most Eligible Bachelor not to snatch her up.  More power to you if he doesn’t, though.  Chances are, though, he will.  It’s at least a good story.  Plus, you probably don’t play basketball at UK, so you won’t have to hear about it every day at practice.  A helpful hint, if you don’t want your girlfriend to sleep with Billy G, DO NOT go to the new Harry’s in Palomar.

Not to get all political or anything, but we live in a pretty fucking awesome country.  Go out and celebrate that fact this LONG weekend.  Say what you will about our President, gas prices or whatever, but a lot of people would kill to be able to live like we do.  Party, drink beer, sit by a pool and watch sports, because that’s what makes America great.