Today, This Week In Random Sports brings you cricket. No, not the shitty $10/month cell phone service that you only see on the North side of your city (or downtown depending on where you live). We’re talking real, live British/Indian Association cricket. Why you ask? Well that’s an excellent question, and one which we have no good answer for. Yet, we’ll try to formulate one.
It all started last week at a company outing to the local minor league baseball game. I happened to be sitting in the near vicinity of two Indian folks (think dot com, no birds were harmed) and they began discussing cricket. I was somewhat intrigued (read, bored and roasting in the 90 degree heat) so I chimed in. They proceeded to explain how cricket works to me, and just like the old school game of telephone, I’ll relay those rules to you fine readers now after the jump.
It all starts with the bowler. This is a bit of a contention around these parts as we are very, very staunch defenders of the fact that Sundays are for bowling. Therefore it is an unwritten rule that all cricket matches must begin on a Sunday. Look, we don’t make the rules, we just report them.
Anyway, this bowler chap (like how we just drop into quaint British speak at our leisure?) tries to bowl the batter out. He basically throws a single seamed baseball at a dude with a cricket bat. The cricket bat, which is very handy in a barroom brawl, is shorter and wider than a traditional baseball bat. Think of that paddle that your principal used to beat that ass with before everyone’s parents pussed out and stopped spanking them.
Once the guy pitches bowls the ball, all Hell breaks loose. Honestly, this is where I lost the thread of the conversation the other day. They started talking about how to make outs, how to score runs, and I hadn’t had any beer so my concentration was shot. I believe they said you can only get out if you hit the ball in the air to someone, miss the ball and let it hit a wicket (yes, they are called wickets in cricket as well), or if you fail to write software faster than the 2 Yanks that you’re trying to replace.
You score by running in a straight line back and forth with a partner. The whole running with a partner thing sounds damned gay but it’d be hilarious if they ran into each other. I probably wouldn’t watch a 5-day match just to see that though. Apparently the five day matches aren’t as popular anymore as they’re supposed to be all formal and a dress-up occasion. There’s some new form of cricket called 20-over, or 20 something, or 21 Jump Street or some such shit. It’s supposed to be shorter and more fun because everyone just goes up there hacking like a beer league softball player instead of trying to slap it around like little Davie Eckstein.
Either way, I’m sure cricket isn’t fun. It’s named after an annoying insect and you generally wear some goofy ass outfits to play it. Including some faggoty shin guards that make Barry Bonds’ armor look like cheesecloth. Cricket also led to the creation of country clubs starting at Sussex CCC (says Wikipedia). That should be sufficient proof that cricket officially Sussexes. Or something like that.
Well, this has turned into a train wreck. We have a first in TWIRS, a game that appears to have no redeeming qualities. Too bad cricket, you really should follow the wireless carrier’s business model. Get people who are too poor to play a proper sport to jump on board. Now that’s the ticket!