Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.
I’m not a mean spirited guy, I promise. I tend not to delight in the failures of others, but sometimes I must make an excuse. Last Saturday night around 6:30PM, I was overjoyed by the fact that Big Brown had lost the Belmont. It’s not that I have ill-will towards the horse, but I think Rick Dutrow is one of the least valuable persons to the human race walking the earth. I couldn’t be happier that he had guaranteed a win multiple times, even saying it was a, “foregone conclusion,” and then his horse ran last. LAST! As TGC said after the race, “That bastard couldn’t find enough cameras for the past three weeks and now he’s shying away.” There was probably more profanity involved, but we were all a little toasty by that point. I didn’t do so badly last weekend: Big Brown lost, the Mets bullpen sucks and You Don’t Mess With The Zohan apparently sucks. The past is not of merit any more, let’s move on. This is probably the last weekend of basketball for the summer, baseball plods along and there’s a golfing major! On with it…
- Tiger Woods will undoubtedly win the US Open. Bum knee be damned!! He’s still the best golfer in the world and he cannot be stopped. Even if he were ten shots out going into Sunday’s final round, he would still win. I have no doubt in my mind. This totally doesn’t have anything to do with my bet with Brubaker, which will result in one of us losing our cars; nor would I mention Tiger just to put up a picture of his sexy-Swedish-nanny wife. Well, what do you know? There she is.
- The Mets will give up on the 2008 baseball season. In the last week, they lost three one-run games in a row in San Diego, gave up a four-run lead and Billy Wagner blew two saves. I kept holding out hope that once it got warm in NYC the Hispanic players might start playing better, but it seems like it’s just not going to happen. My cousin is in Vegas and offered to put down a future bet for me for the Mets to win the NL East and I declined. If you know me, you know that means I really don’t think they have any sort of chance to win it.
- Chad Johnson will do as much at Bengals mini-camp as you. I don’t really get this new fad of players showing up at mini-camp but not participating. What does that mean? I mean, you’re there, but you’re just sitting around? Why would you bother even driving to camp when you could sit at home in your mansion and do the same thing? Trust me, you look like just as much of an asshole as if you weren’t there.
- Clint Bowyer will win this weekend’s race in Michigan. I actually don’t have a lot of beef with Bowyer. He seems like a good enough dude. His sponsor is Jack Daniel’s, and if you’ve ever seen TGC after a pint of Tennessee’s finest liquor on a College Football Saturday… you’d appreciate Jack as well. The jinx this weekend comes because of Clint’s former girlfriend, Athena Barber. How in the hell could a guy like Bowyer ever let her become a former? You can take the crazy out of a lady, but they’re not all built like that.
- David Stern will have Tim Donaghy removed from this planet. Excuse me, Tim? You want to try and take publicity away from Mr. Stern’s NBA Finals? Obviously, whoever is making decisions for you is not thinking in your best interests. Stern is the same guy who once (allegedly) suspended the face of the NBA 18 months. And that was Michael Jordan, would anyone miss Tim Donaghy? I see this ending in a Lee Harvey Oswald type situation. I’d go ahead and shut the ol’ yapper, Timmy.
- You will be on Barack Obama’s list of VP candidates. Whoa! A political joke on FWP. If 2SL still reads this site, he just stopped. Forever. Seriously, though, who isn’t on that list?
- Rick Dutrow will cry like a bitch. Had to get one more in there!
- The Lakers will win Game 5. They have to, don’t they? I don’t have much else to say about this series. I have been disappointed by most games, except for Game 4. Even it wasn’t that good, it’s just that you don’t often get a chance to see a team blow a 24-point lead and lose by 6. I really think I could have beaten Sasha Vujacic on the play Ray Allen did.
- Billy Gillispie will watch Euro 2008, see your girlfriend, then sleep with her. I’m talking to you, Cristiano Ronaldo. I actually watched about three minutes of a game today, afterwards I washed the gay off of me. I can’t imagine Billy G is too big of a soccer fan, but even Nereida Gallardo could ease the pain of the most boring game ever. She is sexy, and no matter how good looking Cristiano is, we all know the powers of Coach G. Also, let me say, it was more difficult to find a SFW pic of Nereida than an NSFW… you know, if that kind of thing interests you.
Drink beer, watch sports and sit by the pool; it’s summer!