FWP: Are You There God? It’s me, Smoothron.

by

fwp.jpgFearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Well, I think America did it.  They made it through their first weekend since March without FWP.  Deep breaths, beer and sitting by the pool helped everyone cope, but I hope never to have to do that to you again.  I’m sorry.  Not a lot happened last weekend, anyway.  The NBA Conference Finals had already wrapped up, no horse racing and most people were still hungover from a long Memorial Day weekend.  THIS weekend, however, promises to bring out the best in what this country has to offer.  Tickets for the Belmont Stakes have supposedly gotten up to $4,000.  Along the same lines, two courtside seats to an NBA Finals game might cost $70,000.  Those are two wise investments and that is capitalism at its best.  If you don’t have the thousands to spend on those events, just go pay $8 for a beer at a baseball game!  Totally worth it!  I’ll be by the pool, drinking and gearing up for the Belmont… my second favorite race of the Triple Crown!  A week of FWP missed means double work for this week…

  • The Lakers will win Game 2 in Boston.  Remember when Paul Pierce went down in the third quarter last night and I arrogantly proclaimed the Lakers would win?  NO, NO YOU DON’T!  Something seemed fishy about last night, though.  Kobe sat for an extra long time starting the fourth quarter, which inevitably led to lots of Derek Fisher jumpers.  I cannot sit through another game where Fisher and Sam Cassell combine for 18 shots.  The only time they should combine for that many shots, the shots should be of ‘shine.
  • Dale Jr. is going to win the race Sunday in Pocono.  Sure, I’ve already used this spot for DJ, but I’ve put him back for two reasons: 1) He hasn’t won a race in about twelve years, so I don’t feel like me jinxing him is really going to effect anything; 2) He has banged an inordinate amount of smoking hot women.  How, you ask?  I don’t understand either.  His conquest featured this week is Leeann Tweeden.  She’s hot and I have no clue why she would want to mess around with that twangy-voiced-small-headed man.  Also, if you want to see more of Leeann, you won’t have much trouble finding it.
  • Tiger will practice and practice and practice for the US Open.  Not to spoil too much for next week, but does anyone else feel like Tiger might be in a bit of trouble?  He hasn’t played a round of golf since the Masters and he’s coming off knee surgery.  Plus, he’s got a wife and kid.  There, I said it, I now fully expect him to win the next thirty majors.
  • Doc Rivers will just be happy to be there.  It’s no secret that Doc is a terrible basketball coach.  His timeouts sound like a mess of basketball cliches and during his in-game interviews with Michelle Tafoya, Doc would rather deflect any basketball question by hitting in Michelle.  Come to think of it, Phil Jackson is probably just toying with Doc, letting him think he could win that first game.  The Lakers may very well win the next four games.
  • Sadly, You Don’t Mess with The Zohan will open.  Remember Billy Madison?  Who could forget Happy Gilmore?  Even Big Daddy was pretty good, and The Waterboy is very quotable.  Unfortunately, things have gone downhill for Adam Sandler in recent years.  I still hold that he’s one of the funnier guys alive, but his movies just suck.  And that’s sad.  Luckily, if you do go see the movie, Emmanuelle Chriqui is in it.  Yes, Sloan from Entourage!  And, yes, that is a picture of her, scantily clad.
  • Ty Lawson will offer you a ride home.  Uh, yeah, I would decline.  You probably saw that Ty got arrested for driving after drinking.  Oh, excuse me, he was “charged” with driving after drinking.  The story doesn’t actually say whether or not he was arrested.  That’s just perfect, if anyone else got pulled over, they’d be strip searched and spend a night in the drunk-tank.  Luckily, Ty played basketball for UNC so he got to go home.  Hell, sometimes getting a DUI right before the draft works out, right JJ?
  • Detroit will wrap up the NHL Playoffs with a win over Pittsburgh.  What?  It’s over?  Oh… let’s move on.
  • The Mets bullpen will cause a repeat of the Summer of Sam.  Seriously, first Aaron Heilman sucks.  Now, Scott Schoenweis is HBPing people in to win games.  All this after Pedro Martinez comes out on Tuesday and breathes life back into the Mets.  Normally I would go on, but I just got a text message from my ex-girlfriend saying I should try not being in a bad mood all the time.  Let’s just move on.
  • Casino Drive is going to win the Belmont.  Yes.  I said it.  Actually, my hot friend Mears said it.  And, since she is much better looking than me, I’ll listen to her.  Casino Drive is actually the half-brother of the last two winners of the Belmont (Jazil in ’06 and Rags to Riches in ’07).  TGC has another reason why Big Brown won’t win, but I’ll let him explain that in the comments.  Also, God will not let Big Brown win, I’m sure of it.  Put Casino Drive and Denis of Cork in an exacta.
  • You will start dating someone new and Billy Gillispie will sleep with your girlfriend.  This is actually to myself.  I don’t like to talk about my personal life, but I started dating someone new.  She’s pretty attractive and successful, and I really hope this goes somewhere.  She’s a little younger than me, but it’s okay.  You may have heard of her, her name is Megan Fox, she was in Transformers.  I’m just worried about BCG getting to her, maybe I’ll just keep her out of Lexington.  Like that’s ever stopped him before…!

Hey, it’s going to be a fabulous weekend.  Baseball, basketball, horses, beers and pools; what more could we ask for?

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4 Responses to “FWP: Are You There God? It’s me, Smoothron.”

  1. TGC Says:

    Let’s just say there’s a reason Kent Desormeaux just bought a set of catcher’s gear. And it ain’t to suit up for the Mets Saturday night.

  2. eDayStat Says:

    1) It wasn’t his normal work but Sandler was good in Spanglish & Punch Drunk Love and still was funny in an awkward way.

    2) I for one do not want to EVER see Doc “hittin’ in Michelle”

  3. BobWicket Says:

    Does anyone know if the Celtics and Lakers have met in the finals before?

  4. smoothron Says:

    I was reading that and about to change that ‘in’ to ‘on.’ After second (drunk) reading, I think it reads for the best.

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