Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.
I guess I must first issue an apology. Sorry for putting up an NSFW picture last week. Actually, I’m not really sorry, Jessica Simpson is hot and that’s more nipple than I’ve seen in months. I didn’t do so bad last week: Boston lost on the road, the Mets beat the Yankees (twice!), the NASCAR jinx remains steady and Billy G railed your girlfriend (who is now your ex-girlfriend). Big Brown, however, was quite impressive in a “race” that was never a race. We’ll get back to the cunt of a trainer named Rick Dutrow in a week or so, but this is a big weekend. First off, it’s a national holiday on Monday, which means an extra day of drinking! It also means more sports for all of us to enjoy. NBA Conference Finals, tons of baseball, night racing in Charlotte and much more. An extra long weekend calls for extra long FWP…
- The Spurs will regroup and win in LA tonight. I really just want the NBA Finals to be Detroit vs. San Antonio. For one, I will be closer to winning my bet with BobWicket. Secondly, David Stern might shit himself. And thirdly, Brubaker (who has been doing such a fabulous job writing the NBA Playoff Banter with me, I think I owe him a reacharound) could possibly go on a tri-state killing spree if he sees the Spurs celebrating another Western Conference Championship.
- Natalie Gulbis will win the Corning Classic. You may be asking yourself, what is the Corning Classic? Well, of course, it’s this weekend’s LPGA event! This is an FWP first, jinxing LPGA members. I’m pretty sure if you look to the right, you’ll be able to figure out why we chose to start this practice and why we chose Natalie Gulbis. WOW. (Thanks to humanitysucks.com for the picture.) Ed. Note: Click image to.. er… enlarge
- The Mets are going to fire Willie Randolph. Things went really well after Billy Wagner’s Bluetooth-inspired rant last weekend. Two wins over the Yankees had them second in the division behind the Marlins. Four losses in Atlanta later, the Mets are a game under .500 and they’re playing in the launchpad known as Coors Field (it’s still called that, right?). I hope Willie finds work again soon and lets go of all the racist shit.
- Z Humor will win the Met Mile. There are a couple reasons he’s going to win. For one, he’s not trained by Rick Dutrow. Two, he is owned by Ahmed Zayat. Ahmed Zayat is one of the richest men in the world and when he wants something, he usually gets it. You can’t rig the Kentucky Derby, the Met Mile is a little bit easier.
- Dario Franchitti is going to win the Indy 500. This, of course, has nothing to do with Dario. Sure, he won the race last year, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that he’s married to top-five-in-the-world cougar, Ashley Judd. Not only is Ashley (yeah, we’re on a first name basis) a cougar, but she’s also a University of Kentucky grad. The Tony Delk, Nazr Mohammed and Scott Padgett rumors aside, she’s a fabulous looking woman. Good luck, Dario!
- Michael Beasley is going to sandbag his NBA Draft workouts. Let’s analyze this. He can spend the next three or four winters in Chicago (#1 pick) or Miami (#2 pick). The average winter in Chicago has below zero temperatures, snow everywhere and girls wearing parkas. Conversely, Miami has 80 degree days in January, warm beaches and girls in bikinis. I can’t imagine where he would want to be.
- Boston, Minnesota and Pittsburgh are all going down this weekend. No, those aren’t the names of strippers at 2SL’s favorite strip club. They are the unfortunate opponents of Oakland, Detroit and the Chicago Cubs, respectively. Yes, I’m going out on a limb (and will probably get hit with it afterwards) and picking TGC’s, EDay’s and 2SL’s favorite teams to win this weekend. You probably know TGC and EDay from this wonderful site. 2SL used to write for it until he got fired for drinking a beer.
- Everybody wins at the 69th Senior PGA Championship! Either everyone wins or no one wins. See it’s funny because in 69, everyone wins. But, it’s seniors, so no one wins. You know, because they have old balls.
- I am going to destroy ESPN.com. Doesn’t everyone in the world know that I hate needles? And they go and put a damn needle on their frontpage? Bastards!
- Tony Stewart will win in Charlotte. I have held off on T-Stew for a while, but seeing as he hasn’t won in a while, I figure the FWP jinx can’t hurt him any worse. I’m not a big NASCAR guy, but Stewart seems like a guy I could drink some beers with. I’d also like to drink a few beers with his sometimes girlfriend, Tara Roquemore. Oh to be a gray sweater.
- Boston will keep losing on the road. Detroit is good and Rodney Stuckey is the next Dwyane Wade (just ask Jeff Van Gundy). Boston has a ton of talent, but they have three stars who have never sniffed the NBA Finals and it’s not going to happen this year either. The Big Three of Boston have always been losers, they are losers and they’re always going to be losers. It’s something you’re born with, like being smooth.
- Billy Gillispie will get you out of your commitment from USC and then sleep with your girlfriend. I’m talking to you, Malik Story. Per usual, Matt Jones of KSR is on the ball. KSR is reporting Malik Story might be a possible Wildcat for the 2008 season. The never crazy or blue-blinded commenters over there are now comparing Story to former Cat, Alex Legion. I think everyone knows what happened there. Malik, would you rather go to LA and bang Jenny McCarthy or have Coach G bang the Tri-Delt you start dating? Screw it, I love sorority week in Lexington, too! See you in Lexington!
There you have it, folks. 1000 words to get you through the weekend. Live it up, watch some sports, remember those who let us have the freedoms like writing crazy shit on websites and dammit, have fun!