Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.
It’s okay… I’m sure if I just breathe, I’ll be fine. This is the first weekend since March we won’t be making an appearance at Keeneland. Last weekend was wild out there, slip-n-slides, gambling and lots of beer. Big Brown did the unthinkable, not winning from the twenty-post, but actually breaking the ‘Smoothron FWP Curse.’ I did my damnedest to jinx that bastard, but somehow he won anyway. Something happened during the NASCAR race last weekend, but none of us can even remember watching it. The Cavs, Celtics and Jazz all made it through to the second round and the Mets even took two of three from the D-Backs. Chances are you don’t remember, but Billy G and Bruce Pearl tag-teamed your girlfriend. Sorry. More hoops, baseball, NASCAR and well, you know…
The Jazz will finally beat the Lakers tonight. Ok, Kobe Bryant is really good. I’m still not sold on him as MVP, but no one in the league appears to be able to stop him right now. However, I like the crazy Mormons getting really crazy (maybe some caffeine!) tonight. It should be another wild night in Salt Lake City.
Elliott Sadler will win Saturday night in Darlington. Usually, I try and find a douche to jinx on here (see: Hot Carl, Jeff Gordon). Well, it’s getting to be a little harder to find NASCAR drivers who have hotties associated with them. I then found, Lisa Tollett, who used to date Sadler. Sadler immediately found his way into douche-ness when he let Lisa slip away. I mean, look at her… smile.
No player from the Reds will hit three homers in a game against the Mets. I don’t know what kind of team would allow a player on the Reds of all teams, but somehow the Cubs managed to let that happen. I’m actually going to call the Mets sweeping the Reds. There, I said it. Let’s move on.
Cedric Benson will offer to captain your boat. Decline, I beg of you, just don’t accept the offer. He may or may not be tanked while he’s steering the ship, but I can guarantee you that he will cause a scene and scream, “MOMMA!!” multiple times.
The NBA Playoffs will continue to matter. I’m sure you don’t believe me, but there is some fabulous basketball being played. If you didn’t see Spurs/Hornets, which should have been called Paul/Parker, last night, you definitely missed out. The future of the NBA is on display, so tune in and watch Chris Paul, Dwight Howard and that Kobe guy.
Kenny Perry will win at Sawgrass. You know what bothers me, when people say, “The TPC at Sawgrass.” Doesn’t TPC stand for The Players Championship? Would you say, “The The Players Championship?” I think not! Also, Kenny Perry’s sister is planning BobWicket’s wedding. Somehow, the two are related.
Amanda will win Survivor. I haven’t watched Survivor in a long time, but Amanda is really hot. I’d think of some things to do for forty days on an island with her. I’d need a buffalo, live or stuffed, preferably stuffed… for safety’s sake.
Billy Gillispie will meet you out at the bar and sleep with your girlfriend. Rumors were flying last weekend in Lexington that BCG and his mentor Bill Self were enjoying themselves immensely at a local bar. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. Just be careful, one minute you’re enjoying a few drinks with Coach G, the next thing you know, you wake up alone and your girlfriend is asking you for a ride home from some big house in Jessamine County.
Live it up, people! Drink some beers and watch some sports… Preakness next weekend!