Pick Up Basketball…Don’t Be That Guy

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recleaguers.jpg From time to time we like to get involved in the sports world in more than an editorial role.  No, we don’t go to fantasy baseball camp or the Skip Barber Racing School.  Although if someone wants to donate 4 grand to the APIAS bankroll, I’d gladly write up a full report on the 3-day MX-5 Cup School. 

Our actual participation in the sports world is usually limited to rec-league basketball, softball, and flag football.  One of our favorite things about rec-leagues is that you always seem to find some interesting guys (and gals) playing in those leagues.  For a run-down of the usual suspects, including “The Old Timer”, “The B&Mer”, and “The Guy Who Used to Play D1”, jump with us.  Just don’t pull a hammie.

  • “The Old Timer” –  It may be a guy who is 30 and playing in a city-league game.  It could be a 50 year-old playing in your work league.  Hell, we’ve even ran into whole teams of guys over 40.  The common denominator is that these guys are in abnormal shape for their age and the bastards do not miss open jump shots.  Well, set shots, because let’s face the facts that these guys can no longer jump on top of a phone book.  The most frustrating part?  These are by far the dirtiest guys you’ll ever run into.  They’ll cheap-shot you in the lane, smack your forearm on every rip through, and if you’re in the air they’ll slide in under you.
  • “The B&Mer”  –  This is just short hand for “The Bitch and Moaner.”  You may have played against this guy, you may have played with this guy.  Either way he’s a pain in your ass.  You’re just out there trying to get excercise and relive some of your past glories.  This guy, who just happened to be the best high school basketball player no one has ever heard of, won’t let you enjoy the game.  That’s because he’s complaining to the refs the whole game.  Every shot he misses is a foul the refs missed.  If he fouls it’s ticky-tack.  And trust us, he’s going to let you know that all those threes he missed were because he worked out yesterday or drank all night or 75,000 other reasons that don’t include the fact that he sucks.
  • “The Guy Who Used to Play D1”  –  Everyone knows this guy.  He played for U of Wherever back in 1998.  Filled it up for 8 points on senior night his final year and now sells cars/insurance/houses/crack to make a living.  Maybe he’s the guy who went to a big-time program and filled it up his freshman year before being kicked off the team for stealing something, drugging it up, or the time-tested smacking a white girl.  His problem?  He doesn’t care.  This is small-time compared to what he used to be a part of and he’s gonna let you know about it any time you block him or bury a shot in his face.  He’s also going to be annoying as all Hell because he’s gonna let you know who he is.  Then he’ll get pissed because guys who never even played college can outplay him now and he’s getting everyone’s best shot every night he goes out.  He’s not having fun and you’re not having fun playing against him.  This guy should not be playing in a rec-league game, period.
  • Your Boss  –  Your good, he sucks, and he controls how much money you make.  This cannot end well for you.  Unless you are on his team.  But we’re talking about opponents here, so the best you can do is avoid him.  Don’t guard him and do not dunk on him in basketball.  Do not man up on him on a football field.  Try not to hose him at the plate in softball.  Basically, just avoid him.  He’ll laugh with you in the hall about the time you put your nuts in his face on a two-hand slam, but he’s really trying to think of a way to embarass you at work as much as you did to him on the court.  Basically, this is what it looks like when you take him on. 
  • “The Guy Who Knows a Guy Who Knows a Guy On Your Team”  –  This is about as bad as it gets.  You’re scrounging for a player and a guy on your team remembers that this 6’5″ guy he roomed with in college used to talk about playing basketball.  You facebook this guy and track him down and he shows up for the first game.  Can he ball?  Of course not.  This cat can barely dribble.  He can’t rebound, he can’t shoot, he can’t even catch the ball.  And now you’re stuck with him.

That’s a run-down of the guys you usually run into in your weekend leagues.  We’re sure we’ve left a few out in here somewhere.  If any good ones come to you, post ’em up in the comments section. 

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7 Responses to “Pick Up Basketball…Don’t Be That Guy”

  1. BobWicket Says:

    What about the guy who is a ref in his spare time? I think this species may be of the same genus as the B&Mer.

  2. TheGoldfishCowboy Says:

    What if he has the rule book in his car and will go get it and show you?

  3. burnsy Says:

    What about the guy who slaps you in the dick and says dirty things when he’s guarding you?

  4. eDayStat Says:

    Damnit Burnsy, my doctor asked what the Hell that was the other day.

  5. smoothron Says:

    Eday, you just capitalized “Hell.” Jesus likes you a little less.

  6. BobWicket Says:

    I also am a fan of the this-is-really-important-to-me-if-you-make-a-bad-call-I-will-be-waiting-outside-to-take-you-out guy.

  7. Burnsy Says:

    What about the guy who has both arms in the air while he’s guarding you but he somehow keeps poking you in the back?

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