The Eastern Conference votes came in around Halloween and it took a couple of weeks to sift through the Western Conference ballot box. There were some tough calls as the NBA’s dominant conference in standings is also very promising in Goo factor. Enough jibber jabber, on to the NBA Western “stars” who make us feel physically ill when they hit our high def screens.
As stated in the Eastern Conference edition of the all-Goo team, white-bread honkies score high in our system. For this reason, Steve Nash is an absolute lock. Seriously, if you look up honky in the dictionary there may well be a picture of Nash. Well, I suppose he would actually fall under hoser, but Hell, we don’t speak Canadian around these parts so honky it is!
On a much more serious note, we’re big Nash fans here at APIAS and we hope to heaven that Captain Caveman never catches up with Nashie. He thought that Parker busting his nose was rough? CC has smacked a hooker just because she asked him to comb the tangles out of his back. Nash ripping off his entire look? There’s no telling what that fuzzy little bastard will do to him.
On the other side of the spectrum a just-as-small, just-as-hideous looking point guard resides. Even Steven Speilberg could not have dreamed up Sam Cassell. Yes the alien joke gets old after a while, but can you honestly believe that NASA hasn’t at least called up the Clips and asked to give Sam a physical one off day?
Cassell is one of those people that cartoonists wish they had of thought up. The first time Frank Miller saw Cassell on a basketball court he immediately got the idea for Ephialtes. Cassell is flat-out hideous looking. He was a very close cut on the all-time Goo team; however, we were forced to limit all-timers to the species homo sapien (and no, John Amaechi is not the charter member).
It’s time to wind this edition of gooness down and turn it into an inverted Oreo. That’s right, we’re going back to whitey. We’re going international and we’re going dirty. That’s right, it’s everyone’s favorite
West Virginian Spaniard. Mr Pao Gasol! Oh, and Pao Gasol did have a beard.
Well, that winds ‘er down in the Western Conference. If you didn’t see your favorite ugos on here, never fear. We’ll be back soon with the NBA All-Time Goo team. Stay tuned and remember, Gasol is only growing the beard out for Locks of Love.