You know what I mean, Verne?


(by: W | 9-24-07)

Before I unleash this tirade, I must preface it with this simple little personal factoid: I HATE amusement parks- of any kind.  And Saturday this hatred became even greater when I had to spend the day at one these godforsaken places instead of hanging out with the APIAS crew drinking and burgooing all the live long day. 

Now, not only did this make me moan with even more piss, vinegar and vitriol than any man should need in his system, but the day turned out even worse than expected- something I had not foreseen possible that culminated in a fight with Mrs. W. I shan’t go into any further details, but this should set the tone for my mood when I (finally) arrived at the back porch to catch the 4th quarter of the UK game.

As we sat watching the ‘Cats making a comeback ever-so innocently, I heard Verne Drunkquist utter a phrase that is quite common amongst sportscasters and even more common to the synapses in my brain- he referred to an Arkansas player getting a “blow” on the sidelines.

Now to just about everyone else, I’m sure they pass this off like any of the other random, pointless minutia that announcers say during athletic events, but for me, this strikes an uneasy chord. Do they not realize that it’s not 1950 anymore and you can’t/shouldn’t refer to someone engaging in oral sex on the sideline?

I mean, in my perverse mind, when they utter this it makes me envision something from Caligula, where harlots and whores are lined up to fellate athletes as if they were golden gods who had just arrived from the top of Mount Olympus or (for the non-heteros) a scene from a San Francisco bathhouse. (And yes, I know that is a mixture of Greek and Roman history, so fuck off with your semantics.)

Of course this could just be me and while I do chuckle like a 5th grader when this happen,  I merely suggest that these announcers get pulled aside by their producers to get a quick lesson in “Synonyms 101” so they can use words that aren’t so blatantly perverse.

Then again, maybe I’m just not in on the joke/secret and these dirty old men sportscasters like the aforementioned Drunkquist and Bill “Where the fuck am I?” Raftery get a real kick out of being able to get away with something nobody else on television possibly could. And if that’s the case, then I take it all back and apologize and may I never mention it again.

Also, special thanks to TGC for beating me to the punch on (read: stealing) the “Britney” bit from the UGA game.

3 Responses to “You know what I mean, Verne?”

  1. TheGoldfishCowboy Says:

    Bro, there’s no way that Spears commentary was gonna make it more than a couple hours before hitting the ebays. It was too impressively fucked up.

  2. Extra P. Says:

    Excuse me, about this photograph, what movie is that? I really need to bone up on my Greek, Roman, and Etruscan history, and that looks like just the ticket.

  3. W Says:

    Those pics are great. Thanks again for popping my apias cherry.

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