There have been many reports that Phil Knight of Nike regularly donates millions to the Oregon Athletics Fund, or OAF (as I have just made up). But what is not known about the financial support system for the OAF is who has be been engaging in secret deals with behind closed doors.
All the under-the-table cartoon royalties, child labor kickbacks, and gay-duck-mascot prostitution ring led by one famous water-dwelling beast… A beast so fowl that his oily slicked-back black hair and poor English grammar call up fearful daymares of 1920’s Chicago and backroom assassinations for most of us (well, what we saw in movies anyway).
The culprit, the proof, and the SHOCK!! after the jump.
Yes folks, I’m just as appalled as you. That rat-bastard Daffy Duck is hiding out in Salem, Oregon, rolling in all his money like his creepy lester uncle Scrooge McDuck, all the while bank-rolling Oregon athletics with his dirty mind-manipulation money. We’ve found his hideout. (We tried contacting him at his listed number, 503-362-8181, but apparently he had already flown the coop.)
Where did all those 57 uniform combos, indoor practice facilities and sweet personal plasma tee vees come from? Yep. Daffy Damn Duck. You’ve been outed Phil Knight. Not only do your child labor antics and drive to make all college basketball uniforms alike make us all sick, but now we have indisputable evidence that you are in bed with Daffy Duck.
Sickening! I somehow knew all along that those wily antics and the crazy speech couldn’t have been in good fun… Now we know the truth: it was all an elaborate plot to hide herion ticks and acid flashbacks. For shame Mr. Duck.
Let’s hope for everyone’s sake that a dirty sex-tape doesn’t show up anytime soon. Or if one does, that you at least had the common decency to trim the special feathers.
(Editor’s Note: If it ends up being with one of these lovelies, this Editor is willing to pay full price for the DVD)