T’d Up is a weekly column that runs on Fridays selecting, in our humblest of opinions, the biggest sports Tool of the Week.
Far be it from your humble editor to go Johnny-Drama-up a beef with a big dude like this. But this story caught my eye (tastebuds and nose) so, in spite of the forthcoming possible ass-beatings (or at least mean-spirited emails) I’ll brave the consequences for you fantastic bastards. I hope you realize what I do for you.
Kevin Randleman, if you don’t know, is a former UFC and Pride fighter. He’s had a rough go of it the past few years, including one 16 months span that included 11 surgeries for a variety of diseases, infections, and self-imposed physical problems. More recently, however, Mr. Randleman has been in the news for other reasons.
First of all, he was busted for failing a drug test after a Pride fight… erm… well maybe failing isn’t the right term… What’s the word I’m looking for? Oh yeah. They asked him to piss in the cup, so naturally, he gave them HORSE PEE!
No word on whether he physically procured the pee from the wang to the cup, but looking at this dude, it wouldn’t shock me if the horse gave it over willfully with a side of apples. (I know you just made the connection from applejuice to pee subconciously… you’re welcome)
When it was finally tested, this happened:
A measurement of 150 for CPK (creatine phosphokinase) is considered normal… Kevin’s CPK levels reached a measurement of 68,000.
What? Is that like, high or something?
This week Ol’ Randy was busted for quite the laundry list of illegalities. He was arrested on:
“several charges including DUI, Speeding, Driving Without a Valid License, Intimidating a Public Officer, Malicious Destruction of Public Property, and others.”
If that is what his charges “included” what the hell are they leaving out?? bestiality? racketeering? fishing with a bow and arrow in Kentucky? (yes, illegal) Well, probably more of the violent type crime, like you know, the kind of thing a guy who carries horse piss in a cup would do.
Kevin bud, for rolling up a wrap sheet longer than (CENSORED), for choosing to possess a cup of horsie diddle, and for that stupid-ass OSU tattoo (honestly dude?)… you are hereby: