TWIRS: Americans Give Nod To Croquet Over Soccer

 

To kick off TWIRS (This Week In Random Sports) we at APIAS would like to delve into something near and dear to our hearts.  Croquet. 

It strikes us as odd that soccer has slowly been creeping up on the radar of American sports, while croquet still takes a back seat.  We understand the need to cheer for people kicking around a ball, but seriously, croquet is a much more interesting sport.  And because of this, we present the top 5 reasons croquet is a superior sport for the American public. 

More after the jump… 

#5 You Can’t Wear Funny Pants in Soccer

Seriously, this point speaks for itself.  If you can’t dress classy with plaid pants, why would you want to be involved in a sport.  The Lexington Croquet Association mandates pants and goofy sweaters at their matches.  People, your choices here are competitors in John Stockton short shorts and epilepsy inducing jerseys or stylishly dressed individuals in kooky sweaters.  Point, croquet.

 #4 There’s Always a Winner In Croquet

As a previous article at APIAS has already stated, soccer is just one of those odd sports where you can end up tied after running around all crazy-go-nuts for 90+ minutes (how anyone can physcially do this is beyond us).  Croquet on the other hand always ends with one person victorious, and 5 others bitching about the victor’s playing ethics.

#3 No One Ever Died After a Croquet Match

Seriously, we don’t have the bandwith to post all of the links to crazy ass soccer fans killing one another.

#2 In Croquet, You Hit a Ball With a Stick

Much like Amercia’s pastime (baseball, for those of you not in the know) croquet is a sport that involves hitting a ball with a stick.  The laid back atmosphere of croquet should get baseball fans involved, while the brutatlity of “sending” someone’s ball should get the UFC crowd fired up.  How could croquet not win in the USA?

#1 You Can Imbibe Whilst Playing

I ask you one thing sport fan:  how many soccer players have you seen with a beer in hand?  There are very few sports that encourage a beer or twelve.  Golf, bowling, croquet.  It’s a good, short list.  But soccer is not included.  You don’t go to a golf course to shoot 100 and enjoy yourself.  You don’t go to a bowling alley to bowl 83 to enjoy yourself.  And you sure as Hell don’t play croquet on New Year’s Day in the rain because it’s what you were taught to do growing up.  Croquet is a sport of kings (Barbaro was fond of croquet) and every sport of kings involves a little imbibery from time to time.

So you see, soccer may be a global monster bent on domination of the American market.  But croquet will always be croquet.