Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.
It’s 8AM, I’ve been at work for two hours and I am ready to go home. Hopefully, a little FWP will help pass the time until noon or whenever I deem a good time to head home. One place I will not be heading is to Louisville for “Downs After Dark” tonight. Yes, Churchill Downs, home of the most famous horse race in the entire world, will try out night racing for the first time tonight. My guess is that it will be a racing success and a social disaster. From a racing standpoint, it’s an absolute no-brainer. We’re in a terrible economy, where discretionary income is lessened every day. For many people, that means they won’t be able to go out to drink and gamble like they might once have. Well, when you put horse racing on a Friday evening, people can use their dinner money for drinking and gambling (much like I do everyday). Crowds will be absolutely killer and Churchill has already jacked up their admission prices to ensure they make every last dime they possibly can. Also, let’s not forget that you cannot watch Churchill on television live… anywhere, not on TVG or HRTV or even HGTV. So, the hardcore gamblers (the ones with jobs at least) will finally be able to actually see the races they are betting on. That is the part with this that I am totally on board, a homerun. Now, to the part that is going to suck: the people that are going to be there. One thing that Churchill Downs prides itself on (except for the Derby, of course) is their crowd is mostly people who are there for the races. It’s not like a Keeneland crowd where people go for drinking, socializing and to show off their new dress (Bru). Well, now it is going to be “the place to be seen.” I would say there will be a lot of dudes wearing their sunglasses at night (video below). Granted, Churchill doesn’t care who shows up as long as they get their $10 from each person through the turnstile, but that’s not a scene I want to be a part of. If Douchebag-Facebook-Status-Updates are any indication of the types of losers that are going to be there, I’ll be fine sitting on the couch with Blevs and Turner doing my gambling from 76 miles away. Lastly, Nick Nicholson better not be getting any ideas.
No choice but to move on, let’s do this.
Tiger Woods will dominate the US Open. Bru and I went double-or-nothing on our car bet from last year. If you’re new, Bru and I bet last year on the number of majors that Tiger would win. The O/U was 1.5. He took the over and lost, I took the under and won his car. I decided to let him double down. As TGC pointed out in the early spring, “Bru, in about 10 years, you might be opening Smoothron’s Ford dealership.” Fine by me. Also, we all love Elin, Tiger’s sexy, Swedish, nanny wife. Well, done Tiger… as if you didn’t have enough going well in your life.- The NHL Playoffs will continue being irrelevant. Um, excuse, someone is telling me something. What’s that? They’re actually over? Oh, I would have thought someone would have said something about that. In all seriousness, I watched the last ten minutes of Game 7 last Friday night. Hockey just doesn’t do it for me. The only hockey story of note this year was that one guy calling Elisha Cuthbert his sloppy seconds. That made hockey important for about six hours.
- Jodie Meeks will pray and pray and then pray some more. On Monday, Jodie crushed Big Blue Nation by not returning to UK and opting to keep his name in the draft. I really wish the best for Meeks, he was a bright spot on a very rough 2008-09 season, but this is a bad decision. After Meeks’ breakout performance against Tennessee (did you see that game, TGC?), defenses keyed on him. He struggled many times to get shots off against mediocre SEC defenses. I think he could have gotten quite a bit better under Calipari this year, especially his ball handling, but he’s gone. Now, Jodie will just have to hope and wait that some team will draft him in the first round where he will be guaranteed a contract. If not, he might want to brush up on his Arabic.
Year One will usurp The Hangover and become the #1 movie in America. Have you heard of Year One? It’s the movie that was advertised every f*#%ing commercial break during the NBA Finals. Michael Cera is one of the funniest people on the planet, but even I got a little sick of his “I’m awkward and don’t know what to say about sports” schtick at some point. The producers and studio must be praying this movie opens well or many heads will roll. The best part of the movie has to be that it features the uber-hot Olivia Wilde. Oh, Olivia, look how far you’ve come since you were playing hot, bi-curious Alex on The OC.- Bruce Pearl will prepare for an odd appearance in the coming week. NBA TV has hired Pearl as a Draft Analyst for the week. I don’t mean to rip on Tennessee too much this morning, but in what world does this make sense? Does Pearl, the basketball coach at UT, give NBA TV a big draw? More Vol fans would watch if Lane Kiffin were giving his analysis than Pearl. Thankfully, Bruce tweeted to let us know that he will be wearing a shirt.
- Donte’ Stallworth will just be chilling in the clink. I’m not positive if clink is still used to describe prison, but it makes me seem like I have street cred. You would think, with all the media there is these days, that someone would compare the Mike Vick case to the Stallworth case. You know, because the two are so very similar. Either way, this really sucks for everyone involved. What? Stallworth went to Tennessee? Oh man, TGC is going to beat me.
The second worst NBA Champs of the decade will keep celebrating. Yes, 2009 Lakers, you just beat out the ‘06 Heat to NOT be the worst Champs of the 2000’s. How bad was that Heat team? DWade, Shaq and a bunch of clowns. Antoine Walker and Gary Payton got valuable minutes for that team. In reality, the teams are very similiar. They each have a superstar guard (Wade/Bryant), an aging PG (Payton/Fisher), a great big man (O’Neal/Gasol), an athletic swing man who can defend (Posey/Ariza) and an enigmatic pothead (Walker/Odom). I will give the Lakers the benefit of the doubt because I don’t think Dwyane Wade would shoot 573,829 free throws again. Hopefully, Garnett will return to form and LeBron will get some help next year so we can get away from non-memorable champions.
Hey, it’s almost 9:30 and I haven’t done anything at work so I better pretend to work for thirty minutes or so. Get by a pool, play some golf, hug your dad, help W move and drink one for me. Weekend!
Phil Mickelson will play golf and that is awesome. Look, I know I usually (try to) be funny or whatever on here. But, Mickelson is playing golf during a time when his family is going through a terrible time. We’re all praying that Amy Mickelson gets better soon and keeps being a cougar for many years to come.
Carrie Prejean will not have much to do. Oh, poor Carrie. She lost her Miss California crown this week, now what the hell is she supposed to do? I could think of a few things I would love to do with her. Anyways, let me ask one question. If you are gay (not that there’s anything wrong with it), do you really want Perez Hilton championing any cause you have? Seriously? That guy? Whatever, I will marry the former Miss California tomorrow.
The Lakers won’t win the NBA Title. These predictions are just for the weekend, remember? Yes, the Magic will get one more win (even without Mickael Pietrus, the dirty Frenchy) on Sunday night. That will allow more money for ABC and the NBA and also allow the Lakers to celebrate their title in LA. We will then get to hear all the Kobe-lovers talk about how great he is. And he is great, but he’s still not (and never will be) Jordan. Let’s not forget, Kobe doesn’t have the signature shot in his career like MJ has about 15. Seriously, try and think of the greatest Kobe shot ever. Um… yeah. Now, think of the greatest MJ shot. Over Russell in ‘98? Over Ehlo in ‘89? Hell, you could even throw in the one from the ‘82 NCAA Title game. Chew on that, Kobe-lovers.
Jeff Van Gundy: Can you imagine the networks getting to hype LeBron vs. Howard and Van Gundy vs. Van Gundy in the Eastern Conference Finals for the next decade? We would also get to see the Van Gundy’s dad wearing one of those half-and-half shirts, one side would be a white button-down and the other would be a ribbed t-shirt. It would also lead to a new joke in the lines of, “Did you know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit?” and “Brady Quinn’s sister is dating AJ Hawk.” “Did you guys ever hear that Jeff and Stan Van Gundy are brothers?”
Bill Walton: How great would LeBron feel every day coming out of practice. “LeBron, your moves were absolutely magnificent today. Watching you play is like touring with The Grateful Dead in ‘78. Your dribbling reminds me of watching Jerry play “Terrapin Station” to the moon in San Francisco. Your dunk at the end was as powerful as a Bob Dylan lyric!” If LeBron is a jamband fan, Walton is the obvious choice.
Blake Lively: If the Cavs really want King James to stick around, why not hire a smoking hot girl to keep LeBron entertained. Surely, she could learn Mike Brown’s offense (“Give LeBron the ball, stand around and don’t get in his way.”) and would be a PR success immediately. Hell, I would pool some cash together just to watch her walk up and down the sidelines.
The story about Lebron James ducking the Magic and reporters after being ousted from the playoffs is days old now. Everyone’s had their say on the issue. Well, almost everyone. Now it’s our turn. Here’s the cliff’s notes verison, nobody gives a shit.
