Archive for the ‘Beer’ Category

NBA Draft LiveBlog: 2008 Version

June 26, 2008

The time has come once again!  It’s time for the NBA Draft and I couldn’t be happier.  We did this last year and if you want to know what you’re getting into, here’s last years.  I love watching college basketball and I love the NBA; combine the two and I’ve got a half-chub.  This year’s draft has the chance to be a great one.  I think we’re going to see a ridiculous amount of trades, a LOT of bad picks and DICK VITALE AND STEPHEN A. SMITH YELLING AT EACH OTHER!  I’m actually skipping PBJT’s last softball game of the year in order to be here and I’m sure my counterparts will be joining after they get a big win and grab a few post-game brews.  I, too, will be drinking heavily throughout so things may get interesting around 9PM.  Enjoy, people.

6:15 – We’re about an hour and fifteen minutes out from actual draft time (don’t let ESPN fool you with their Preview show coming on at 7).  It’s pretty apparent the Bulls are going to take Derrick Rose at #1.  The #2 pick is where things could get really interesting.  I am hoping the Heat trade the pick, mainly because I don’t like the Heat and want them to rue the day they passed on Beasley for the next decade as he dominates the league.  I also think OJ Mayo may end up being the best player in the draft when things are all said and done.  The Lopez twins scare the hell out of me… and not from a basketball standpoint.  They scare me in a “homo-incest” kind of way.  DeAndre Jordan is a guaranteed bust, as is anyone from Nevada or Rider (I’m talking to you, Javale McGee and Jason Thompson).  I just saw ESPN’s desk at the draft and there was no Vitale or Stephen A.  Could the Lord be shining on this night already?  I’ve got to make a beer run.

7:16 – Dammit, I walk in from the beer run (The longest beer run in history, also, I went with my mom.  True story.) and the first peron I see on the screen is Stephen A.  Oh well, even he can’t ruin this night for me.  Let me also go on the record saying I think Portland is going to package their two picks to move up in the draft.  Indiana should be trying to do the same.  Twelve minutes until Derrick Rose’s mother starts crying and fanning herself uncontrollably!

7:24 – Colleen Dominguez is really sexy.  Wendy Nix… not so much.

7:26 – Fran Fraschilla just said the Knicks don’t have a lot of history with international players.  Um, they drafted Frederic Weis didn’t they?

7:29 – The “New Loaded Special” from Burger King scares me.  Loaded baked potato on top of a burger?  And they’re showing this on ESPN?  Nothing like a few clogged arteries to get me wanting to watch sports!

7:32 – The Bulls are going to select Derrick Rose first overall.  I can’t say enough how bad of an idea it is bringing a guy back to his hometown to play professional basketball.  Oh… he’ll never be able to find anyone to go out with in Chicago, will he?  As always, I select Blake Lively first overall as, “Female Most Likely to Be My Wife.

Okay, I’ve put a picture of one hot girl on here, hopefully that’s enough to have you keep reading.  More after the jump… (more…)

We’re 400!!!

June 25, 2008

Well, technically, we’re not 400 days old until tomorrow, but much like 2SL we can’t keep help but bust out a little early.  For those of you who haven’t been here from the start this here web log started back in ought seven on April 22nd.  That parting shot fired over the wall of the Internets at Lexington Herald Leader resident write John Clay was our first foray into this odd world of sports blogging. 

Since that day we knew we’d never be the same again, and if you’ve read this site more than 2 days, we suspect you feel much the same about your own life since discovering us.  We’re sure you’ve never been more horrified.  Where’d we go from there? 

Well it’s hard to say.  A little baseball, a little racin’, a little college football and then it was New Year’s.  Time was flying and our hits were going up.  Soon, with the help of Deadspin, With Leather, and some well-timed Google image searches we were floating at about 1,000 hits per day.  We’re happy to say that’s still the case.  And we’re extremely happy that we’re had over 330,000 hits in a little over a year since we started this.  We’d like to get teary and thank everyone but we’ve still got some time to recap.  Hit the more for recaps of our best and worst ideas around this here blog.

(more…)

FWP: Things Are Sloooowing Down

June 20, 2008

fwp.jpgFearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

What a week!  Basketball (games) ended until the Olympics, a lot of interleague baseball, 91 holes of golf and I remember something about someone getting fired at 3:15 in the morning.  I actually had one of my better weeks from a prediction standpoint.  Tiger acually did win the US Open (no matter how hard I tried to jinx the bastard), the Mets gave up on the season (see: 3:15AM firing of manager), Chad Johnson’s ankle kept him off the football field, we haven’t heard another peep out of Tim Donaghy after his first little outburst and Billy Gillispie totally railed Cristiano Ronaldo’s girlfriend (sorry about that Cris, oh, and that loss to Germany yesterday).  Basketball ending means the long summer of baseball has begun.  Interleague play gives this weekend a little bit of extra flavor (spicy!).  There’s also a NASCAR road course race, Kentucky football fans set themselves up for a big letdown and EURO 2008 continues (it’s going to be a loooong summer).

  • The Mets season will hinge on this weekend in Colorado.  I know, I just said they’d given up on the season, but if they can just put a little run together…  Oh, who am I kidding?  The team with the fourth highest payroll in baseball is going to finish at .500.
  • Phil Mickelson will be forced to carry the PGA for the rest of 2008.  And with the extra holiday weight he’s been carrying around for the last decade it shouldn’t be too much of a problem.  The PGA desperately needs Mickelson to be in contention for the remaining two majors of the year, as Tiger won’t be in them.  I would also like for more shots of Phil’s wife, Amy.  Amy is a classy babe and is absolutely cougar-ific.
  • The Cubs will begin their slow descent back to reality.  It was a nice run in the beginning of the season for the Cubs, it really was.  Then, Alfonso Soriano never learned how to actually get out of the way of a ball that was going to hit him (but somehow, he manages to do this with every fly ball hit to him in left field).  After that, Carlos Zambrano’s shoulder gave out on him.  Their only saving grace is that they play in the WORST DIVISION IN BASEBALL!  Every team in the NL Central got swept except for the Brewers.  Incredible.
  • There will be big news for the site unveiled on Monday.  First of all, EDay has promised to mediate the results of the bet between Brubaker and I.  I’m just trying to get a new car.  Also, I believe we’ll be adding a new writer to the APIAS staff.  Whatever happened to that 2ndStoryLloyd guy anyway?
  • Jeff Gordon will win the race in Sonoma.  It’s a road course.  One can only hope that means lots of wrecks and lots of drivers bitching at each other on the radio.  That is the best part of racing.  A road course also means the “Said-Heads” will be out in full force.  Boris Said is the Bob Ross lookalike who dominates on road courses.  Unfortunately for Boris, his wife probably doesn’t look like Jeff Gordon’s.  Why would Ingrid Vandebosch marry a douche like Jeff Gordon?
  • Morgan Newton will never sign with the University of Kentucky.  The LHL is reporting today that highly touted 2009 QB, Morgan Newton, is considering Kentucky for college.  Unfortunately for the Cats, South Carolina is also listed in his favorites.  Let me think, when was the last time Steve Spurrier lost anything to UK?  That’s right.  Never.  Keep dreaming.
  • Willie Randolph will continue to try and keep his name relevant.  Look, I understand you weren’t let go in the most polite way ever.  But, you probably got a pretty nice buyout and get the rest of the summer to do nothing.  And you want to bitch about it?  Stop… just stop.
  • EURO 2008 will continue and no one will care.  There’s nothing about this that appeals to Americans.  First of all, it’s soccer.  Second of all, with the name EURO in the title, it’s just that much more unwatchable.  Plus, no more Nereida Gallardo (SFW) means I have no interest.
  • Billy Gillispie will go see Get Smart and then sleep with your girlfriend.  I’m talking to you, um, whoever it is that is lucky enough to be dating Anne Hathaway.  Get Smart has officially reached “I would definitely watch that while taking a nap on a Sunday afternoon” status.  Anne Hathaway has reached a much higher status for me that you probably don’t want to hear about.  But, we all know who will end up railing her, Coach Gillispie.  That guy has all the luck.

It’s summer, so even with a lacking sports schedule tap you should be able to enjoy yourself.  Grab a beer or twenty and go sit by a pool.  I know I will.

Boston wins; America loses

June 18, 2008

Hey Brah, watch this. Wooo!!! Smash!!! Tom Brady is Gahd!! Woo!!! Matt Damon is so freakin’ haht!!  What what??

Lakeland, FL; the place to be post-injury/sucking

June 16, 2008

A few days after Tigers’ flamethrower Joel Zumaya departed Lakeland, FL for his rehab assignment, the laid back tiny baseball town in Central Florida probably thought it was headed back to minor-league business as usual.  Well, not with Dave Dombrowski calling the shots in Rock City.

Last Tuesday, after Dontrelle Willis’ 1 1/3 inning, 2 homer, 5 walk, 8 run debacle, he was optioned down to the Single-A team to work on “control and command” with the Instructs staff, the organization’s pitching coordinator, Jon Matlack, and Lakeland pitching coach Joe Coleman.

Today the front office announced that the D-Train will be getting some company.

Gary Sheffield is heading south in order to rehab his strained oblique

Gary Sheffield will begin a major league rehab assignment with the Flying Tigers on Monday in Sarasota against the Sarasota Reds. Sheffield is expected to play in Lakeland for the Flying Tigers when the team returns to Joker Marchant Stadium on Thursday, June 19th at 7:00 p.m. against the Tampa Yankees. He is anticipated to be with the Flying Tigers for one week.

This makes the total salary of the Lakeland Flying Tigers weekend roster somewhere just over $20.3M.  With Sheffields $13.3M and Willis $7M taking the lion’s share.

No word yet on whether Dombrowski and Leyland like Lakeland so much for the warm temperatures, coaching staff, small town atmosphere, aging cleat chasers or delicious Rib Sampler from Brother’s BBQ.  At any rate, it seems to have worked for Joel Zumaya, who’s unprecedented recovery from AC Joint replacement should have him back with the big club before next week.

Here’s hoping Dontrelle and Gary can find the same magic potion… or at least a delicious Pork Chop Platter for only $6.25

[MiLB] [Tigers.com] [Brothers BBQ]

FWP: Wha Happon?

June 13, 2008

fwp.jpgFearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

I’m not a mean spirited guy, I promise.  I tend not to delight in the failures of others, but sometimes I must make an excuse.  Last Saturday night around 6:30PM, I was overjoyed by the fact that Big Brown had lost the Belmont.  It’s not that I have ill-will towards the horse, but I think Rick Dutrow is one of the least valuable persons to the human race walking the earth.  I couldn’t be happier that he had guaranteed a win multiple times, even saying it was a, “foregone conclusion,” and then his horse ran last.  LAST!  As TGC said after the race, “That bastard couldn’t find enough cameras for the past three weeks and now he’s shying away.”  There was probably more profanity involved, but we were all a little toasty by that point.  I didn’t do so badly last weekend: Big Brown lost, the Mets bullpen sucks and You Don’t Mess With The Zohan apparently sucks.  The past is not of merit any more, let’s move on.  This is probably the last weekend of basketball for the summer, baseball plods along and there’s a golfing major!  On with it…

  • Tiger Woods will undoubtedly win the US Open.  Bum knee be damned!!  He’s still the best golfer in the world and he cannot be stopped.  Even if he were ten shots out going into Sunday’s final round, he would still win.  I have no doubt in my mind.  This totally doesn’t have anything to do with my bet with Brubaker, which will result in one of us losing our cars; nor would I mention Tiger just to put up a picture of his sexy-Swedish-nanny wife.  Well, what do you know?  There she is.
  • The Mets will give up on the 2008 baseball season.  In the last week, they lost three one-run games in a row in San Diego, gave up a four-run lead and Billy Wagner blew two saves.  I kept holding out hope that once it got warm in NYC the Hispanic players might start playing better, but it seems like it’s just not going to happen.  My cousin is in Vegas and offered to put down a future bet for me for the Mets to win the NL East and I declined.  If you know me, you know that means I really don’t think they have any sort of chance to win it.
  • Chad Johnson will do as much at Bengals mini-camp as you.  I don’t really get this new fad of players showing up at mini-camp but not participating.  What does that mean?  I mean, you’re there, but you’re just sitting around?  Why would you bother even driving to camp when you could sit at home in your mansion and do the same thing?  Trust me, you look like just as much of an asshole as if you weren’t there.
  • Clint Bowyer will win this weekend’s race in Michigan.  I actually don’t have a lot of beef with Bowyer.  He seems like a good enough dude.  His sponsor is Jack Daniel’s, and if you’ve ever seen TGC after a pint of Tennessee’s finest liquor on a College Football Saturday… you’d appreciate Jack as well.  The jinx this weekend comes because of Clint’s former girlfriend, Athena Barber.  How in the hell could a guy like Bowyer ever let her become a former?  You can take the crazy out of a lady, but they’re not all built like that.
  • David Stern will have Tim Donaghy removed from this planet.  Excuse me, Tim?  You want to try and take publicity away from Mr. Stern’s NBA Finals?  Obviously, whoever is making decisions for you is not thinking in your best interests.  Stern is the same guy who once (allegedly) suspended the face of the NBA  18 months.  And that was Michael Jordan, would anyone miss Tim Donaghy?  I see this ending in a Lee Harvey Oswald type situation.  I’d go ahead and shut the ol’ yapper, Timmy.
  • You will be on Barack Obama’s list of VP candidates.  Whoa!  A political joke on FWP.  If 2SL still reads this site, he just stopped.  Forever.  Seriously, though, who isn’t on that list? 
  • Rick Dutrow will cry like a bitch.  Had to get one more in there!
  • The Lakers will win Game 5.  They have to, don’t they?  I don’t have much else to say about this series.  I have been disappointed by most games, except for Game 4.  Even it wasn’t that good, it’s just that you don’t often get a chance to see a team blow a 24-point lead and lose by 6.  I really think I could have beaten Sasha Vujacic on the play Ray Allen did.
  • Billy Gillispie will watch Euro 2008, see your girlfriend, then sleep with her.  I’m talking to you, Cristiano Ronaldo.  I actually watched about three minutes of a game today, afterwards I washed the gay off of me.  I can’t imagine Billy G is too big of a soccer fan, but even Nereida Gallardo could ease the pain of the most boring game ever.  She is sexy, and no matter how good looking Cristiano is, we all know the powers of Coach G.  Also, let me say, it was more difficult to find a SFW pic of Nereida than an NSFW… you know, if that kind of thing interests you.

Drink beer, watch sports and sit by the pool; it’s summer!

FWP: Are You There God? It’s me, Smoothron.

June 6, 2008

fwp.jpgFearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Well, I think America did it.  They made it through their first weekend since March without FWP.  Deep breaths, beer and sitting by the pool helped everyone cope, but I hope never to have to do that to you again.  I’m sorry.  Not a lot happened last weekend, anyway.  The NBA Conference Finals had already wrapped up, no horse racing and most people were still hungover from a long Memorial Day weekend.  THIS weekend, however, promises to bring out the best in what this country has to offer.  Tickets for the Belmont Stakes have supposedly gotten up to $4,000.  Along the same lines, two courtside seats to an NBA Finals game might cost $70,000.  Those are two wise investments and that is capitalism at its best.  If you don’t have the thousands to spend on those events, just go pay $8 for a beer at a baseball game!  Totally worth it!  I’ll be by the pool, drinking and gearing up for the Belmont… my second favorite race of the Triple Crown!  A week of FWP missed means double work for this week…

  • The Lakers will win Game 2 in Boston.  Remember when Paul Pierce went down in the third quarter last night and I arrogantly proclaimed the Lakers would win?  NO, NO YOU DON’T!  Something seemed fishy about last night, though.  Kobe sat for an extra long time starting the fourth quarter, which inevitably led to lots of Derek Fisher jumpers.  I cannot sit through another game where Fisher and Sam Cassell combine for 18 shots.  The only time they should combine for that many shots, the shots should be of ‘shine.
  • Dale Jr. is going to win the race Sunday in Pocono.  Sure, I’ve already used this spot for DJ, but I’ve put him back for two reasons: 1) He hasn’t won a race in about twelve years, so I don’t feel like me jinxing him is really going to effect anything; 2) He has banged an inordinate amount of smoking hot women.  How, you ask?  I don’t understand either.  His conquest featured this week is Leeann Tweeden.  She’s hot and I have no clue why she would want to mess around with that twangy-voiced-small-headed man.  Also, if you want to see more of Leeann, you won’t have much trouble finding it.
  • Tiger will practice and practice and practice for the US Open.  Not to spoil too much for next week, but does anyone else feel like Tiger might be in a bit of trouble?  He hasn’t played a round of golf since the Masters and he’s coming off knee surgery.  Plus, he’s got a wife and kid.  There, I said it, I now fully expect him to win the next thirty majors.
  • Doc Rivers will just be happy to be there.  It’s no secret that Doc is a terrible basketball coach.  His timeouts sound like a mess of basketball cliches and during his in-game interviews with Michelle Tafoya, Doc would rather deflect any basketball question by hitting in Michelle.  Come to think of it, Phil Jackson is probably just toying with Doc, letting him think he could win that first game.  The Lakers may very well win the next four games.
  • Sadly, You Don’t Mess with The Zohan will open.  Remember Billy Madison?  Who could forget Happy Gilmore?  Even Big Daddy was pretty good, and The Waterboy is very quotable.  Unfortunately, things have gone downhill for Adam Sandler in recent years.  I still hold that he’s one of the funnier guys alive, but his movies just suck.  And that’s sad.  Luckily, if you do go see the movie, Emmanuelle Chriqui is in it.  Yes, Sloan from Entourage!  And, yes, that is a picture of her, scantily clad.
  • Ty Lawson will offer you a ride home.  Uh, yeah, I would decline.  You probably saw that Ty got arrested for driving after drinking.  Oh, excuse me, he was “charged” with driving after drinking.  The story doesn’t actually say whether or not he was arrested.  That’s just perfect, if anyone else got pulled over, they’d be strip searched and spend a night in the drunk-tank.  Luckily, Ty played basketball for UNC so he got to go home.  Hell, sometimes getting a DUI right before the draft works out, right JJ?
  • Detroit will wrap up the NHL Playoffs with a win over Pittsburgh.  What?  It’s over?  Oh… let’s move on.
  • The Mets bullpen will cause a repeat of the Summer of Sam.  Seriously, first Aaron Heilman sucks.  Now, Scott Schoenweis is HBPing people in to win games.  All this after Pedro Martinez comes out on Tuesday and breathes life back into the Mets.  Normally I would go on, but I just got a text message from my ex-girlfriend saying I should try not being in a bad mood all the time.  Let’s just move on.
  • Casino Drive is going to win the Belmont.  Yes.  I said it.  Actually, my hot friend Mears said it.  And, since she is much better looking than me, I’ll listen to her.  Casino Drive is actually the half-brother of the last two winners of the Belmont (Jazil in ’06 and Rags to Riches in ’07).  TGC has another reason why Big Brown won’t win, but I’ll let him explain that in the comments.  Also, God will not let Big Brown win, I’m sure of it.  Put Casino Drive and Denis of Cork in an exacta.
  • You will start dating someone new and Billy Gillispie will sleep with your girlfriend.  This is actually to myself.  I don’t like to talk about my personal life, but I started dating someone new.  She’s pretty attractive and successful, and I really hope this goes somewhere.  She’s a little younger than me, but it’s okay.  You may have heard of her, her name is Megan Fox, she was in Transformers.  I’m just worried about BCG getting to her, maybe I’ll just keep her out of Lexington.  Like that’s ever stopped him before…!

Hey, it’s going to be a fabulous weekend.  Baseball, basketball, horses, beers and pools; what more could we ask for?

FWP: An Extra Day to… Study?

May 23, 2008

fwp.jpgFearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

I guess I must first issue an apology.  Sorry for putting up an NSFW picture last week.  Actually, I’m not really sorry, Jessica Simpson is hot and that’s more nipple than I’ve seen in months.  I didn’t do so bad last week: Boston lost on the road, the Mets beat the Yankees (twice!), the NASCAR jinx remains steady and Billy G railed your girlfriend (who is now your ex-girlfriend).  Big Brown, however, was quite impressive in a “race” that was never a race.  We’ll get back to the cunt of a trainer named Rick Dutrow in a week or so, but this is a big weekend.  First off, it’s a national holiday on Monday, which means an extra day of drinking!  It also means more sports for all of us to enjoy.  NBA Conference Finals, tons of baseball, night racing in Charlotte and much more.  An extra long weekend calls for extra long FWP…

  • The Spurs will regroup and win in LA tonight.  I really just want the NBA Finals to be Detroit vs. San Antonio.  For one, I will be closer to winning my bet with BobWicket.  Secondly, David Stern might shit himself.  And thirdly, Brubaker (who has been doing such a fabulous job writing the NBA Playoff Banter with me, I think I owe him a reacharound) could possibly go on a tri-state killing spree if he sees the Spurs celebrating another Western Conference Championship.
  • Natalie Gulbis will win the Corning Classic.  You may be asking yourself, what is the Corning Classic?  Well, of course, it’s this weekend’s LPGA event!  This is an FWP first, jinxing LPGA members.  I’m pretty sure if you look to the right, you’ll be able to figure out why we chose to start this practice and why we chose Natalie Gulbis.  WOW.  (Thanks to humanitysucks.com for the picture.)  Ed. Note: Click image to.. er… enlarge
  • The Mets are going to fire Willie Randolph.  Things went really well after Billy Wagner’s Bluetooth-inspired rant last weekend.  Two wins over the Yankees had them second in the division behind the Marlins.  Four losses in Atlanta later, the Mets are a game under .500 and they’re playing in the launchpad known as Coors Field (it’s still called that, right?).  I hope Willie finds work again soon and lets go of all the racist shit.
  • Z Humor will win the Met Mile.  There are a couple reasons he’s going to win.  For one, he’s not trained by Rick Dutrow.  Two, he is owned by Ahmed Zayat.  Ahmed Zayat is one of the richest men in the world and when he wants something, he usually gets it.  You can’t rig the Kentucky Derby, the Met Mile is a little bit easier.
  • Dario Franchitti is going to win the Indy 500.  This, of course, has nothing to do with Dario.  Sure, he won the race last year, but that doesn’t matter.  What matters is that he’s married to top-five-in-the-world cougar, Ashley Judd.  Not only is Ashley (yeah, we’re on a first name basis) a cougar, but she’s also a University of Kentucky grad.  The Tony Delk, Nazr Mohammed and Scott Padgett rumors aside, she’s a fabulous looking woman.  Good luck, Dario!
  • Michael Beasley is going to sandbag his NBA Draft workouts.  Let’s analyze this.  He can spend the next three or four winters in Chicago (#1 pick) or Miami (#2 pick).  The average winter in Chicago has below zero temperatures, snow everywhere and girls wearing parkas.  Conversely, Miami has 80 degree days in January, warm beaches and girls in bikinis.  I can’t imagine where he would want to be.
  • Boston, Minnesota and Pittsburgh are all going down this weekend.  No, those aren’t the names of strippers at 2SL’s favorite strip club.  They are the unfortunate opponents of Oakland, Detroit and the Chicago Cubs, respectively.  Yes, I’m going out on a limb (and will probably get hit with it afterwards) and picking TGC’s, EDay’s and 2SL’s favorite teams to win this weekend.  You probably know TGC and EDay from this wonderful site.  2SL used to write for it until he got fired for drinking a beer.
  • Everybody wins at the 69th Senior PGA Championship!  Either everyone wins or no one wins.  See it’s funny because in 69, everyone wins.  But, it’s seniors, so no one wins.  You know, because they have old balls.
  • I am going to destroy ESPN.com.  Doesn’t everyone in the world know that I hate needles?  And they go and put a damn needle on their frontpage?  Bastards! 
  • Tony Stewart will win in Charlotte.  I have held off on T-Stew for a while, but seeing as he hasn’t won in a while, I figure the FWP jinx can’t hurt him any worse.  I’m not a big NASCAR guy, but Stewart seems like a guy I could drink some beers with.  I’d also like to drink a few beers with his sometimes girlfriend, Tara Roquemore.  Oh to be a gray sweater.
  • Boston will keep losing on the road.  Detroit is good and Rodney Stuckey is the next Dwyane Wade (just ask Jeff Van Gundy).  Boston has a ton of talent, but they have three stars who have never sniffed the NBA Finals and it’s not going to happen this year either.  The Big Three of Boston have always been losers, they are losers and they’re always going to be losers.  It’s something you’re born with, like being smooth.
  • Billy Gillispie will get you out of your commitment from USC and then sleep with your girlfriend.  I’m talking to you, Malik Story.  Per usual, Matt Jones of KSR is on the ball.  KSR is reporting Malik Story might be a possible Wildcat for the 2008 season.  The never crazy or blue-blinded commenters over there are now comparing Story to former Cat, Alex Legion.  I think everyone knows what happened there.  Malik, would you rather go to LA and bang Jenny McCarthy or have Coach G bang the Tri-Delt you start dating?  Screw it, I love sorority week in Lexington, too!  See you in Lexington!

There you have it, folks.  1000 words to get you through the weekend.  Live it up, watch some sports, remember those who let us have the freedoms like writing crazy shit on websites and dammit, have fun!

FWP: Hey Baby! Go to bed!!

May 16, 2008

fwp.jpgFearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Yes, things are getting a slow start for FWP.  Drinking has not gotten a slow start.  TGC, BobWicket and myself are already about three beers deep and the 5 o’clock hour has just struck.  That’s the beginning of a good weekend, folks.  Last weekend actually didn’t go so bad; the Jazz made it a series with the Lakers, the Mets handled the Reds and Billy G railed your girlfriend (he said sorry afterwards).  Oh, and ask me if Amanda won Survivor.  “OKAY,” The Lord says (as if he doesn’t know), “DID AMANDA WIN SURVIVOR?”  Hell if I know.  Sorry.  I just wanted to put that picture up of her.  Also, thanks go to our friend Burnsy (I have no clue which site to link for him anymore), who apparently met Amanda and didn’t invite me to come along.  Hey, this weekend is going to be sweet.  Basketball, baseball, NASCAR, Preakness and drinking… what could ever go wrong??

  • It would be unconsitutional if Big Brown wins the Preakness.  Seriously, Rick Dutrow likes himself as a trainer more than Ted Nugent likes himself as a guitarist.  Neither are very good.  I’m going ahead and picking Hey Byrn for the upset at about 32-1.  Who’s with me?  (echo, echo, crickets chirping)
  • Boston will, once again, lose on the road tonight.  That’s not exactly a “prediction.”  Nor is it “fearless.”  It’s just going to happen, you know, because they can’t win on the road?  It’s actually becoming quite a joke.  I can’t wait for the Pistons to play the Spurs again in the NBA Finals.  Hooray defense!
  • Dale Jr. will win the All-Star Showdown this weekend.  I mean, hell, he hasn’t won anything else in years.  He may as well try and win something in which points have no meaning.  Also, I really wanted to jinx him because he used to date Marisa Miller.  For one, Marisa and I used to date.  Secondly, who breaks up with Marisa Miller?  Oh, we had irreconcilable differences, but Dale Jr. should have been able to figure that out.
  • The Spurs and Hornets will jerk off until Monday.  Um, so they played Thursday night and they don’t play again until Monday?  And there’s no game on Saturday night?  Thank you for common sense, once again.
  • The Mets will stop bitching at one another and beat the Yankees.  Seriously, Billy Wagner?  Funniest part of his little diatribe last night was that he had his Bluetooth in his ear while he was just going off.  You can’t say the “F-word” with a Bluetooth in your ear unless you’re a nerd.  Whoops.
  • Bizarro baseball will totally throw off TGC and EDay.  A’s play at 7pm tonight and the Tigs play at 10pm.  I fully expect a full moon, a Sasquatch sighting, alien abductions and a 2SL sock-trick.  You’ve never lived until you’ve seen the sock-trick.
  • Billy Gillispie will convince you to make a ‘voyage’ and then sleep with your girlfriend.  See, that was a Pilgrim joke.  Get it, Pilgrim Voyage?  Per usual, our friends at KSR were on point with a possible transfer from Hampton to the Cats.  Beware, Michael Pilgrim, beware.  Also, if you have recently broken up with your girlfriend, Tony Romo, I wouldn’t let you-know-who get to close either.

Good gosh, what a fabulous weekend.  Get excited, get in front of a TV and get drunk.  PEACE I’M OUTTA HERE!

FWP: What? No Horse Racing?!?

May 9, 2008

fwp.jpgFearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

It’s okay… I’m sure if I just breathe, I’ll be fine.  This is the first weekend since March we won’t be making an appearance at Keeneland.  Last weekend was wild out there, slip-n-slides, gambling and lots of beer.  Big Brown did the unthinkable, not winning from the twenty-post, but actually breaking the ‘Smoothron FWP Curse.’  I did my damnedest to jinx that bastard, but somehow he won anyway.  Something happened during the NASCAR race last weekend, but none of us can even remember watching it.  The Cavs, Celtics and Jazz all made it through to the second round and the Mets even took two of three from the D-Backs.  Chances are you don’t remember, but Billy G and Bruce Pearl tag-teamed your girlfriend.  Sorry.  More hoops, baseball, NASCAR and well, you know…

The Jazz will finally beat the Lakers tonight.  Ok, Kobe Bryant is really good.  I’m still not sold on him as MVP, but no one in the league appears to be able to stop him right now.  However, I like the crazy Mormons getting really crazy (maybe some caffeine!) tonight.  It should be another wild night in Salt Lake City.

Elliott Sadler will win Saturday night in Darlington.  Usually, I try and find a douche to jinx on here (see: Hot Carl, Jeff Gordon).  Well, it’s getting to be a little harder to find NASCAR drivers who have hotties associated with them.  I then found, Lisa Tollett, who used to date Sadler.  Sadler immediately found his way into douche-ness when he let Lisa slip away.  I mean, look at her… smile.

No player from the Reds will hit three homers in a game against the Mets.  I don’t know what kind of team would allow a player on the Reds of all teams, but somehow the Cubs managed to let that happen.  I’m actually going to call the Mets sweeping the Reds.  There, I said it.  Let’s move on.

Cedric Benson will offer to captain your boat.  Decline, I beg of you, just don’t accept the offer.  He may or may not be tanked while he’s steering the ship, but I can guarantee you that he will cause a scene and scream, “MOMMA!!” multiple times. 

The NBA Playoffs will continue to matter.  I’m sure you don’t believe me, but there is some fabulous basketball being played.  If you didn’t see Spurs/Hornets, which should have been called Paul/Parker, last night, you definitely missed out.  The future of the NBA is on display, so tune in and watch Chris Paul, Dwight Howard and that Kobe guy.

Kenny Perry will win at Sawgrass.  You know what bothers me, when people say, “The TPC at Sawgrass.”  Doesn’t TPC stand for The Players Championship?  Would you say, “The The Players Championship?”  I think not!  Also, Kenny Perry’s sister is planning BobWicket’s wedding.  Somehow, the two are related.

Amanda will win Survivor.  I haven’t watched Survivor in a long time, but Amanda is really hot.  I’d think of some things to do for forty days on an island with her.  I’d need a buffalo, live or stuffed, preferably stuffed… for safety’s sake.

Billy Gillispie will meet you out at the bar and sleep with your girlfriend.  Rumors were flying last weekend in Lexington that BCG and his mentor Bill Self were enjoying themselves immensely at a local bar.  There’s nothing wrong with that at all.  Just be careful, one minute you’re enjoying a few drinks with Coach G, the next thing you know, you wake up alone and your girlfriend is asking you for a ride home from some big house in Jessamine County.

Live it up, people!  Drink some beers and watch some sports… Preakness next weekend!

 


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